Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
Tori
Then
I’ve had For Elise mastered since the age of ten. Yet I stumble over the notes and lose track of my place three times.
Finally, I heave out a sigh and press ten keys at once in frustration. “I suck. Beethoven would be scowling.”
Gloria smiles from her seat on the sofa where she’s braiding a macrame wall hanging. “No. You’re just distracted.”
Guilty. I’ve kept one eye on the door since the moment I took a seat on the piano bench. Jace is supposed to be working at the bowling alley for another hour so it’s premature to expect him but I can’t help keeping watch. Something has happened to me ever since that night when I kissed the boy next door. The kiss wasn’t my first one. Over the years I’ve had plenty of crushes and flirtations and even a few boyfriends. And they were all nothing compared to Jace Zielinski.
“Do you and Jacek have plans tonight?” Gloria is still smiling. She always calls her grandson by his full name to distinguish him from his father. He is the third Jacek in her life. The first was a handsome Polish immigrant who captured her heart when she had just begun studying music at the University of Texas where he worked on the grounds crew. She’s told me their love story many times, how she was running in the rain and tripped on a sidewalk crack, badly spraining her ankle. Jacek Zielinski rushed over, picked her up and carried her all the way to the infirmary. By the time they arrived, she knew that all the boys she’d ever known could never equal the man she’d just met. Her parents did not approve when she left school and eloped but Gloria insisted she had no regrets, not even during such hard times as the still birth of their baby girl or the three years of cancer treatments at the end of her husband’s life.
“Yes, we’re going out tonight.” I’m unable to stop a huge smile from spreading across my face. Funny, I’ve spent countless hours in Jace’s company over the years but now the idea of being alone with him sends my heart racing.
The first Jacek Zielinski grins at me from atop the piano in a faded framed photo that was taken on his wedding day. He curls a protective arm around his petite bride who smiles radiantly up at him instead of at the camera. Jace, like his father, inherited the strong build and cleft chin of the man in the photo. But Jace’s thick black hair and dark eyes come from the mother he never talks about.
My fingertips brush the piano keys and I consider playing something more spirited, less mournful, than For Elise. Perhaps one of the Irish tunes that I memorized from one of Gloria’s old music books. I’m a mediocre pianist, nothing like the gifted Gloria. I’ve only ever played for fun, not because the music calls me. I wish it did. I wish music, or anything, motivated me the way football motivates Colt or the way Jace is driven to secretly write stories. The career aptitude tests we all took last year said I’m best suited to a career in either medicine or business management. In other words, career tests are useless. My grades are excellent and I suppose I’ll go college, which doesn’t sound bad but doesn’t sound fantastic either. In truth, I drift. My interest is difficult to hold and every possible path looks ordinary.
Except the one that leads to Jace.
Something changed permanently the night when I reached for my oldest friend and did something I’ve secretly wanted to do for years. Being with Jace means being excited and hopeful and, despite the wreckage of my home life, being happy.
With one hand I tap out Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, the first song I ever learned. For the longest time I had the habit of playing it every time I sat down at Gloria’s piano. I’m sure I played it the day my brother and I discovered a solemn little boy sitting in front of his grandmother’s house. It was instant, the way Jace became a part of us, like we’d been waiting for him to show up and didn’t realize it. Officially, he was Colt’s best friend. But in those days we were an unbreakable trio. It was around the time we started high school that I quit thinking of Jace as a second brother and began to notice that he was destined to be good looking. Very good looking. Other girls noticed too. I used to shrug and keep my jealousy to myself. I wouldn’t admit the truth out loud when I could barely acknowledge it inside my head.
And the truth was, I wanted the boy next door. My brother’s best friend. I wanted him bad.
Perhaps I never would have had the courage to make a move if he hadn’t but that doesn’t matter now. We’re already different. We are us.
Gloria looks up from her macrame when I rise from the piano bench and stretch my arms toward the ceiling.
“I should run home and change into something presentable before Jace gets off work.”
Gloria evaluates me and then shakes her head. “My grandson would be the first to tell you that you are beautiful as you are, Victoria.”
I know I’m not really beautiful. I’m somewhere in the middle of the cuteness spectrum with a snub nose and a face that’s slightly too round. But it’s true that Jace doesn’t take his eyes off me when we’re together and he would find no fault with my faded Aerosmith tee and denim shorts. Normally I’m not a dress up kind of girl and I rarely take the trouble to use makeup. Tonight I want to take the trouble.
Before leaving, I pause beside the couch and lean down to brush a quick kiss on Gloria’s soft cheek. Colt and I have always been embraced as her de facto grandchildren and since our only surviving grandmother lives in Reno and phones once a year on Christmas morning, we are glad to have a substitute grandma. Gloria was not shocked to hear about me and Jace. On the contrary, she said she always knew we would find our way to each other.
Colt, however, wasn’t nearly as pleased.
“Take one of the zucchini bread loaves on your way out.” Gloria points to the kitchen counter where a cooling rack hosts a neat row of freshly baked sweet bread.
After wrapping a loaf in a square of wax paper, I leave the cozy, happy atmosphere of Gloria’s house and walk the short distance to my own. The exterior has benefited from a recent facelift since my mother has been getting the house ready to go on the market at the end of the summer. I’ve lived here all my life and my stomach flips as I look at the fresh coat of light blue paint and understand that I won’t be living here for much longer.
My mother is in the kitchen, which is a surprise. Even when she’s home, which is not very often these days, the kitchen is never a place where she spends much time.
“Who is that?” she asks, her back to me as she hunts for something deep in the recesses of the refrigerator.
I roll my eyes and set down Gloria’s zucchini bread. “Just me.”
She taps her mint green fingernails against the side of the fridge and doesn’t turn around. “Did you or your brother take the unopened bottle of vodka?”
“No.” I didn’t. Colt might have. In fact, Colt probably did.
She closes the fridge and spins around with a pouty expression. “It’s Rusty’s. I don’t want him to think you kids can’t be trusted.”
I try not to sneer over the mention of my soon-to-be stepfather. Rusty Marano isn’t the biggest jerk in the world and he’s not solely to blame for my mother’s selfish decisions. She could have tried to figure out a solution that wouldn’t involve dragging us to another town and crushing Colt’s chances at a football scholarship.
“Maybe you just drank it all and forgot.” It’s a bitchy thing to say. Then again, she was bitchy first so I feel justified.
The look she gives me would melt a glacier. We’ve never gotten along very well. With a sniff, she seizes her purse and rummages for her keys. “I’ll be at Rusty’s tonight. I left a twenty in the napkin holder so you two can use that for dinner.” Before she reaches the door she pauses to scrutinize me. “By the way, I ordered your dress for the wedding. It’s mauve and it’s backless and it will likely need to be altered but six weeks is plenty of time.”
“Whatever.”
She waits to see if I have anything else to add to the dress conversation. I don’t.
My mother sighs. She’s thirty eight but she could easily pass for ten years younger. She basks in the fact that people often mistake us for sisters, although I’m not being humble when I admit that she’s far prettier than I am.
“What’s that?” She points to the wrapped zucchini bread.
“Gloria sent it over.”
Her mouth flattens into a thin line. “Tori, you’re too old to keep bothering that senile old woman every day.”
“She’s not senile and I’m not bothering her.”
My mother’s dislike for Gloria evolved slowly. When Colt and I were little she was always happy to send us next door in order to get us out of the way for a while. By the time we were in middle school and she realized that we preferred Gloria’s home to ours, she grew resentful. But the real divide arose when I was thirteen and my mother began dating a local loser named Chad Dunnigan. Gloria noticed that Chad paid attention to me. Too much attention. Naturally I hated it when creepy Chad would throw his arm over my shoulder or stroke my hair but I was too embarrassed to complain out loud. Gloria confronted my mother about Chad’s behavior and an argument ensued. Fearing that I was in danger, Gloria decided to inform my father of the situation. He was in the middle of a cross country trucking run but he took the next u-turn and barreled back to Arcana. Eric Malene wasted no time seizing Chad Dunnigan by the throat and promised that Chad could look forward to getting his eyeballs gouged out and his testicles crushed if he dared to come within a hundred yards of me again. That was the last we saw of Chad and the post-divorce ugliness between my parents became even uglier. My mother blamed Gloria for interfering. She was still bitter enough to refuse Gloria’s offer to let both me and Colt live in her house and finish high school in Arcana.
Suddenly she glances around with a frown. “Where is Colt right now? I swear, I haven’t seen that boy in days.”
Colt has a cell phone. She could easily call and ask after his whereabouts herself.
“Working out, I think. Coach Toledo gave him unrestricted access to the high school gym so he can train all summer.”
Her pert nose wrinkles with distaste. “Training for what? There’s no football in the summer for crying out loud.”
I feel like screeching at her. Perhaps the noise would penetrate the vapid layers but probably not. In her mind, nothing is ever her fault.
“Colt is pushing himself hard in the hopes of impressing the Bredon High coaches. They have an excellent team and no room for an extra quarterback. He’ll have to try out and hope for the best but he’ll be starting over with the odds stacked against him.”
A guilty shadow does flirt with her expression for a moment but then disappears. She crosses her arms and chooses to sulk.
“I’m sure Colt will do just fine. By the way, I need you to pass a message to your father.”
Instantly I’m wary. My parents hate each other. “What kind of message?”
She sniffs. “Tell him he needs to do something about that wife of his. I’m sick of being harassed.”
I’m used to serving as the unwilling buffer between the two of them but this is a new complaint. “What are you talking about?”
“She calls all the time. All the time! She’s like obsessed with me or something. I’m ready to file a restraining order.”
I nearly laugh at the melodramatic claim. Still, I’m curious. “Rochelle calls you? What for?”
“She’s under the delusional impression that we should be friends. I keep deleting her messages.” She’s inches from the door but then she thinks of something else she wants to say. “Victoria, this summer is going to be very stressful for me. I have to plan the wedding. I have to sell the house. I have to pack for the move. I’m used to getting everything done on my own but I have no time to deal with your brother’s defiance. One of these days he’s going to get into the kind of trouble he won’t be able to get out of.”
She rubs her eyes and mutters her next words under her breath. I’m probably not meant to hear them. I hear them anyway.
“Just like his father.”
A cold finger slides down my spine. The fact that Colt is not my father’s biological son is no secret. But the identity of Colt’s father remains unknown. All the gossip I’ve ever heard points to the fact that my mother had a wild time while my father was deployed. I’ve always figured she might not even know for sure who got her pregnant.
Or maybe she’s known all along and has a different reason for keeping quiet.
She realizes I’m staring at her. “Just keep an eye on him, Tori. I need you to do that. Can you do that?”
Of course. I don’t need to be reminded to manage Colt. I’ve been managing Colt since I could walk. I should be starting my senior year in the fall instead of junior year but I was held back from starting kindergarten so Colt could go with me. I’ve always told myself I didn’t mind but maybe I do.
Sarcasm creeps into my tone. “Sure I can, Mom. I’ll do what I always do and make sure you are inconvenienced by your son as little as possible.”
There’s no answer. She just leaves and allows the screen door to slam shut behind her. She doesn’t see when I flip her off.
I don’t want to be in a crappy mood. I’m seeing Jace tonight. With this in mind I dash to my closet and scan the contents. I’ve never wished for an expensive wardrobe, even if I could afford it, which I can’t. Still, a few more options would be nice. I pick out the blue vintage sundress that I scored at a thrift shop and wore to a friend’s sweet sixteen party last spring.
The only large mirror in the house is attached to my mother’s closet door so I walk across the hall to see how I measure up. The dress has a fitted bodice that shows off my figure and I’m pleased enough at my reflection to twirl until the skirt flares. I imagine the way Jace’s eyes will spark when he sees me. He’ll pull me close. He’ll groan softly into my mouth when we kiss.
And then…
I don’t know. We haven’t done much more than kiss yet. I’ve never mustered the nerve to ask him outright if he’s had sex before but I’m pretty sure he has. I have not and I want to. With him.
My fingers straighten my necklace cord and I touch the smooth shape of the crystal tiger’s eye, a gift from Gloria on my seventeenth birthday last month. Colt turned sixteen on the same day. Gloria baked two cakes. Red velvet for me. Chocolate for Colt. She knows our favorites better than our own mother does.
The front door crashes open and the noisy entry can only be Colt. He stampedes to the bathroom and shuts himself in before I can even open my mouth. An instant later I hear the shower turn on. He keeps bumping into the wall. It kind of sounds like he’s fighting a bear.
I need to talk to him so I decide to wait in his room, which isn’t much of a room but a living room alcove that was walled off when we became too old to share a bedroom. Colt’s room is always neat as a pin and doesn’t seem to fit his careless ways at all. There’s no clutter and nothing on the narrow walls except a single shelf crowded with sports trophies.
I don’t have to wait long before my brother strolls in wearing a towel and dragging a razor over his jaw. He does a double take when he sees me and then his expression dims.
“You’re all dressed up.”
I fold my hands in my lap. “There’s a rumor that sometimes girls like to dress up when they go out.”
He tosses his razor on top of the dresser and opens a drawer. “Who are you going out with?”
“Don’t play dumb.”
He snorts, yanks out some clothes and stalks out of the room. The bathroom door closes and after thirty seconds he returns fully dressed. My fingers are now twisted together in my lap. Having an honest conversation with my brother shouldn’t make me nervous. Our childhood has always included a fair share of sibling bickering but I can’t remember a time when he was really angry with me.
“You haven’t said much about it,” I say softly. “It’s been a week now.”
He rakes a hand through his hair, a thick, rich brown, darker than my own hair. He’s been letting it grow longer lately. He leans against the wall and crosses his arms over his chest.
“It’s just weird.” He sighs loudly. “You and Jace. I mean, he’s like part of our family. Never occurred to me that you guys would hook up.”
“We’re not just hooking up, Colt.”
He waves a hand, a signal that he doesn’t care to hear the details. “Yeah, I get it. But…fuck. My best friend and my sister.” He makes a face. “It’s like the plot of one of those angsty teen movies where everyone utters bullshit one liners and fights at a house party and finally learns some kind of life lesson at the end.”
“Can there be a dance too? There’s always a dance at the end of those movies.”
Finally he cracks a grin. “You hate dances.”
“Because I didn’t have anyone worth going with before.”
His smile fades and he exhales noisily. “I can’t help but feel like I should kick his ass. But somehow I can’t be too pissed at him. I know he’s into you in a way that he’s never been into any other girl.”
Colt would never say that if it wasn’t true. I bite my lip to keep from beaming with happiness.
“The feeling is mutual.” I look my brother in the eye. “I trust Jace completely. You trust him too, Colt.”
My brother’s smile returns. “Yeah, I guess if you have to go out with someone, he’s a better choice than the rest of the fucking losers in this stupid town.”
The doorbell rings. My brother and I stare at each other.
“That’s him, isn’t it?” Colt asks.
“Yup.”
“So am I your butler now or can you go let your boyfriend in yourself?”
I hop off the bed and lightly punch my brother’s muscled arm. “Put a lid on the attitude. Don’t forget you’re still my little brother.”
He thinks the comment is funny. In a way it is. Colt is already ten inches taller than me and stronger than two average men. I don’t care. In my eyes he’ll always be the little boy who ran away from school on the first day of kindergarten because Mrs. Montoni wouldn’t let him use the rest room and he peed his pants. I found him crying behind the dumpster in the parking lot, walked him home and made him laugh by joking about Mrs. Montini’s moustache line. We both got in big trouble for leaving school without permission but I swore to him that I’d never tell anyone about his bathroom accident and I never have.
I’m halfway to the door when Colt decides to be obnoxious and sprints past me. He flings the door open.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he booms. “Go away! She changed her mind.”
I shove Colt out of the doorway. “Don’t listen to him.”
Jace is not bothered by Colt’s humor and stands there grinning. He looks excellent and the breezy smell of his aftershave makes me want to climb all over him. Our eyes meet and I feel the electric pull of desire in my belly. I’d jump right into his arms if it weren’t for the awkward fact that my brother is standing six feet away and staring at us.
Jace doesn’t shift his eyes from my face. “You’re gorgeous,” he says and holds up a fistful of bluebonnets. Usually the wildflowers wither by early summer but spring arrived late this year and they can still be found in random clusters around town.
My fingers brush his when I take the flowers. “Thank you. You look great too.”
Colt pretends to projectile vomit on the living room carpet.
I shoot my brother a glare before carrying the flowers to the kitchen. I can’t find a vase and settle for filling a glass with water. I return to find that Colt has allowed Jace to enter the house and I curse inwardly when I spot the glint of mischief in my brother’s eyes. He’s not going to let us leave without tormenting us first. Hell no.
With one arm, Colt seizes Jace in a headlock. He flings his other arm around my shoulders. “So,” he bellows, far too loudly. “What are we doing tonight, kids?”
Jace is every bit as strong as Colt and extricates himself with no trouble. He’s beginning to look annoyed. “Whatever Tori wants to do.”
Colt’s arm remains draped over my shoulders and I shrug out of his grip before addressing Jace. “You want to drive up to Plainsfield? Maybe see a movie?”
Plainsfield Mall is twenty miles away. It would be nice to spend the evening somewhere we won’t be under the watchful eyes of Arcana. And my brother.
Jace apparently thinks so too because he nods with some relief. “Sure, that sounds good.”
Colt says nothing. Suddenly I am very aware of the sharp shift in dynamics. Colt And Jace. Jace and Colt. They’ve always gone everywhere together.Best friends and football teammates. Partners in crime and brothers in spirit. Oh sure, I’d often tag along with them, but now things have changed. Jace and I are together and we’re about to leave Colt behind.
Jace must have the same thought because he’s looking at Colt when he says, “Hey, you got plans tomorrow? We haven’t been to the shooting range in a while. Or we could go hiking before the sun gets too high. What do you say?”
Colt thinks about it for a minute. “I might be able to make some room for you in my schedule. Just not too early. I need my beauty sleep.”
Jace snickers. “You’d have to hibernate at least a month to make a difference.”
“Eat shit, Zielinski.” Colt acts like he’s going to throw a punch.
“Nah, I’ll wait for a better offer.”
“Just be here at ten a.m., wiseass.”
Jace holds out his fist for a friendly bump. Colt stares at him for a second before meeting the gesture with his own fist.
“Later, man,” says Colt.
“What are you doing tonight?” I ask my brother.
Colt shrugs. “Probably meet up with some of the guys. Rafe said he scored a couple of cases of beer.”
Rafe is one of the Arcana High football idols and while he sure is easy on the eyes, I’ve seen lit firecrackers that are less volatile than Rafe Hempstead.
“Scored? You mean stole?”
Colt looks at me. “Whatever.”
I’m about to warn him to behave himself but then bite my tongue. Colt has actually been pretty cool about the unexpected news that I’m dating his best friend. The least I can do is give him the benefit of the doubt when it matters.
“Have fun,” I tell him and head for the door.
When we’re on the other side of the closed door I reach for Jace’s hand. The simple act of touching him sends a delicious buzz everywhere. He grins down at me. My heart melts.
Jace is on point with the manners and he opens the passenger door to his truck. He waits until I’m settled with the seatbelt clicked before closing it.
I watch his every move as he walks around the front of the truck and climbs into the driver’s side. He’s so freaking gorgeous it’s ridiculous.
“Sorry, but we’ll have to keep the windows open,” he says as the engine shudders to life. “It’ll stall if I turn the AC on.”
“I don’t mind the fresh air.”
Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me.
But Jace doesn’t kiss me right away. He is serious when it comes to driving. He keeps his hands at ten and two on the wheel and carefully watches the speedometer.
“Pull over here,” I say when we reach the main drag of downtown Arcana.
He raises an eyebrow but obeys and makes a right into the parking lot of the Arcana Market.
“You need to get something?” he asks.
I unbuckle my seatbelt. “Yes.”
“What?”
“I’ll show you.” My hand drops to his thigh as I lean in.
Jace cups his hand around the back of my neck and aims for my lips. I love how he kisses. He doesn’t hold back. His tongue makes instant demands and I’m glad to cooperate. I hear my own breathy noise of pleasure and he responds by sliding his free hand up my bare leg. I wish we were alone. Really alone. We make out in the front seat of his truck for a couple of really hot minutes and then break for air.
Jace touches his forehead to mine. “Hi,” he whispers.
“Hi,” I whisper back.
We kiss once more and then get back on the road. Jace gives me the freedom to choose a radio station but I have a better idea.
“Tell me about the story you’re writing.”
He shifts in his seat and gets adorably embarrassed. “Nah, you don’t want to hear about zombies and dystopian gore.”
“Yes I do. I know you’ve got to be working on something. You always are.”
A smile pulls at his lips and he keeps his eyes on the road. “This one’s a little different.”
“It’s not about monsters and the end of the world?”
“It is. But it’s also sort of a love story.”
“A zombie love story?”
“Zombies don’t fall in love. At least not my zombies.”
“So who does fall in love?”
He glances at me. “Two people who were right in front of each other all along.”
I swoon inside. This boy is one of a kind. “Can I read it?”
Jace Zielinski doesn’t get shy very often and it’s so cute when he does. “How about this? If I ever finish it you’ll be the first person who gets to read it.”
“You’ll finish it,” I say with confidence.
“How do you know?”
I take his hand off the wheel and lace our fingers together. “Because I know you. There’s nothing you can’t do, Third.”
He swallows and becomes serious. He presses my hand to his lips and then throws a heated look my way. “There’s nothing we can’t do, Victoria.”
I don’t think I’ve ever believed in soul mates.
But hearing Jace Zielinski say words like that changes my mind.
I believe in him.
I believe in us.
More than anything, I believe that I’ll never find anyone else who makes me feel the way he does.