Breaking Her Bad by Michelle Mankin
Kyle
“I gotta go to my next class.” Seeming reluctant to leave, Tommy glanced back and forth between Missy and me, then placed his hand on my shoulder. “You gonna be okay, Kyle?”
Was I okay? I felt like the ground had crumbled beneath me.
Losing her dad, Claire had lost more than her home. She’d lost her hero. Living in a tiny apartment in Southside was crappy compared to what she had, but I knew it was her dad being gone that put those circles under her eyes.
Who did she fall back on now? Her relationship with her mom was strained in Lakeside. No doubt, it remained strained in Southside. Or maybe it wasn’t.
I didn’t know what was going on with Claire right now, but I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything. That hadn’t changed. Just because I shouldn’t didn’t mean I didn’t long to hold her in my arms, comfort her, and be that person she could fall back on.
But would being in my arms comfort her? If I went to her, even if I could manage it secretly, would I make things better or worse? Worse, most likely, given what I’d said in front of everybody.
In Southside, I wasn’t the guy she’d known. I couldn’t be, and I wasn’t free here, not even a little. I couldn’t comfort her. I couldn’t rescue her without drawing attention to the fact that I cared. I couldn’t defend her from danger. In fact, I couldn’t do anything but long for her in secret and protect her from a distance. Though I wished I could right her wrongs, I couldn’t.
That powerless feeling made me want to smash something. Most of all myself.
Words and the chords to go with them flooded my mind. If I could, I would tear down this world with my bare hands and rebuild you a new one.
But I couldn’t give her a new world. I couldn’t give her anything. Least of all myself.
Refocusing on Tommy, I met his gaze. “That question you asked me about Claire. I changed my mind.”
“You sure?” He searched my eyes, and probably saw that it ravaged me to give him the go-ahead.
I gave him a hard look. “Yeah.” If Claire let him, he could keep her safe. He would treat her right. He could be her hero.
“You got it.”
When Tommy nodded and turned away, the ground didn’t just crumble. It caved beneath me. But I grabbed the ledge and held on.
“Wait,” I called and caught up to him.
“Yeah?” He stopped and turned around.
“Just this.” My throat tight and on fire, I unclasped Claire’s bracelet from my wrist and shoved it into his hand. “Give her this.”
His fingers closing around it, he shook his head. “No, man.”
“Yes,” I said firmly. “Her dad gave it to her.”
His eyes turned shiny. “What am I supposed to say when she asks how I got it?”
“Tell her I . . .” I trailed off. No, I couldn’t make it about me. She was what mattered. “Lie. Tell her whatever you need to. Tell her I lost it to you in a bet. Tell her you found out what it means to her, and you wanted her to have it back.”
Tommy squinted at me. “That’s why you want her to have it.”
I nodded.
“You’re not just giving me the go-ahead to pursue her. With this,” he held up the bracelet, “you’re giving me access to her heart.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. Because he was right.
“No.” His expression hardened. “I won’t.”
My heart breaking, I firmed my voice. “Do it, Tex. Just like I said.”
I turned and walked away, knowing him well enough to know he wouldn’t fail me or her.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” Missy said, her eyes aflame as she jogged to catch up to me.
Tasting bitterness, I swallowed hard. “I shouldn’t have done a lot of things. I fucked up my life from beginning to end with a choice I made a long time ago. But this I got right.”
“How can you be so sure?” she asked.
“Because it hurts, Missy. It hurts like hell.”