Bound By Blood: Anthology by Cora Reilly

 

Gianna

For a long time, I stared down at the pregnancy test, unable to trust my eyes. We were supposed to leave for the Hamptons in exactly two hours but I wasn’t sure I could move. I’d done the test out of paranoia. I was only one day overdue, nothing to get worried about, but I had a stash of tests in the bathroom.

“Gianna?” Matteo called.

I swallowed, my fingers on the test tightening further. “I’m here.” I didn’t recognize my voice. It was weak and stunned.

I hadn’t taken the pill in over a year because it wreaked havoc with my body but I’d used a pessary or condoms. Over the year we’d been too horny for contraception about a handful of times but my OB/GYN had told me that my chances of getting pregnant naturally were minimal. I’d been relieved back then. It had seemed like a sign that my body was as against having kids as my brain.

Minimal chances.

Still the second line on my pregnancy test mocked me with its intensity.

Matteo pushed the door open and found me sitting on the edge of the bathtub.

“Why are you hiding in here?” he asked as he stepped in, then his eyes settled on the test in my hand and he froze.

“Gianna?”

I met his gaze. “I’m pregnant.”

Matteo searched my eyes. His expression didn’t give anything away as if he was waiting for my reaction. “You’re not happy.”

“Of course, I’m not,” I whispered harshly. “We don’t want children.” I paused because Matteo actually didn’t look unhappy. “Or do you?”

Matteo shrugged. “I always thought we didn’t need kids to be happy. But I like being around Luca’s kids, so being around my own might be even better.”

I scrunched up my face and shook my head. “It won’t. With other people’s kids you only get to do the fun things, and when it gets tough you can give them back, but this baby, it’ll be our responsibility… I never wanted that. I still don’t.” I cringed at how horrible that made me sound, but it was the truth.

Voicing it aloud, I felt guilty but I needed to say it. Matteo needed to know. He was the one person who would understand. Right?

Matteo came toward me and crouched before me, looking up at me. He took the test and laid it to the ground, then he touched my cheek. “It’s still early in the pregnancy,” he murmured. I knew what he was saying without saying it. His brown eyes were so full of understanding and love that my heart clenched tightly with gratefulness. In the beginning, I’d thought Matteo didn’t deserve me because he was a bad man but now, I often felt like I was the one who didn’t deserve him.

I swallowed. “Will you be okay with it?”

Matteo smiled wryly. “Gianna, I’m a killer.” Despite his attempt to sound flippant, I caught a hint of strain in his voice.

I tensed. “So you think we’re killing the baby?”

He frowned. With a groan he pushed to his feet and pulled me with him, wrapping his arms tightly around me. “That’s not what I meant,” he said firmly. “What I meant is that I can deal with anything. I’ll be at your side no matter what you decide.”

“It’s not only my decision. This is your child too.”

Something flickered in Matteo’s eyes. “It is. But it is your body. You’ll have to carry a child for nine months, you’ll have to go through labor, and you’ll be the one the baby will need the most in the beginning, so really it should be your choice.”

I was grateful for Matteo’s support, but for once I wished he would tell me what to do, would take the decision off my hands, so I wouldn’t be burdened with the full weight of my responsibility. “Everyone will hate me if I… if I end this pregnancy. Or hate me more.” Because my fan club was fairly small while my haters were in the majority among the Outfit and the Famiglia. I knew it and usually I didn’t care. Trying to please everyone was a losing game and I’d never tried but now, now I was terrified of their judgment.

Matteo regarded me closely. “Our family will understand.”

“Will they?” I asked. Luca and Aria loved their children. They would never get rid of a baby, nor would Lily and Romero. Our world was a traditional one. Not that there wasn’t abortion. If a child was created out of wedlock, abortion was fairly common. But Matteo and I were married, and he still needed an heir in the eyes of his fellow Made Men.

“It’s none of their business anyway. We don’t have to tell them,” he said. “We never cared about other people’s opinions. We shouldn’t start now. Fuck them all.”

I nodded. That was probably for the best. But I knew I’d be devastated if Aria and Lily condemned me for my choice. Other people’s judgment I could deal with but my sisters… “I don’t want to be a mother.”

“Okay,” Matteo said quietly. His brown eyes brimmed with understanding but I couldn’t help but wonder if he hid part of his feelings from me.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to hate me for it.”

“Gianna,” Matteo said roughly, cupping my cheeks. “I could never hate you, and this is our choice. I won’t blame you.”

I took a deep breath. “Will you accompany me to the appointment?”

Matteo kissed me gently. “Of course, Gianna. I’ll be there for you.”

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his chest. I waited for relief to set in now that we’d come to a decision but the uncertainty, the fear, the doubts remained. Maybe it would take time to come to terms with everything. “How are we going to celebrate my birthday as if nothing’s wrong? How do we hide the truth from everyone?”

“We just forget about it. Try to enjoy a few summer days, all right?”

I nodded, but I wasn’t sure if I’d manage to do it.

I kept twisting my wedding ring around my finger, staring out of the windshield as we headed toward the Hamptons. Matteo was oddly quiet and I hadn’t said anything either. My thoughts kept whirring, and with every passing moment my worry over being around my sisters and their husbands, and worse, their children, rose. I didn’t feel like celebrating my birthday. I wanted to hole up in our penthouse and wait for everything to be over—as if that would magically make things easier. My thoughts kept revolving around my decision and the looming appointment.

When we pulled up in the driveway, Luca’s and Romero’s cars were already parked in front of the beautiful white house.

I reached for the door to get out but Matteo grabbed my hand and kissed it. “Come on, babe. Everything will be all right. Nothing’s changed for us.”

But it had. I didn’t even feel my pregnancy yet but it was a lingering presence in my body. It was there, ever-present.

Together we headed into the mansion. Inside, Amo’s and Marcella’s voices rang out. When we reached the living room, we were hit with the full force of our family’s boisterous presence.

Lily was trying to prevent Sara from getting ice cream everywhere. Judging from the chocolate covered face of my two-year-old niece and the brown stains on her dress and the floor, she wasn’t very successful. It was a good thing that Sara’s brown hair was pulled back in a short ponytail so it stayed unaffected by the chocolate mess. The French doors were wide open, letting in the hot August air. Marcella and Amo were already dressed in swimwear, ready to take a dip in either the new pool or the ocean. They too were eating ice cream but at nine and almost six they did it without making a mess.

Luca and Romero stood on the terrace while Aria and Lily kept an eye on the children. Luca noticed us first, followed by Romero. Romero smiled and Luca did something with his mouth that might have counted as a friendly gesture as well.

“Gianna!” Aria exclaimed. She tore herself away from Lily and Sara and rushed over to me, embracing me tightly. “Happy Birthday! I’m so happy that we get to celebrate together!”

“Me too,” I said with a forced smile. Aria pulled back, her brows drawing together briefly before Lily took her place.

“Happy Birthday!” She tried to hug me with one arm while holding Sara away from me but the little girl managed to shove her ice cream in my direction and smear some across my cheek.

“Oh no, Sara,” Lily crooned, giving me an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Gianna. I should have set her down before hugging you.”

My smile became shakier. Even my sister thought I’d have a freak-out because of her kid and wanted to keep it away from me. Nobody would ever consider me motherly or anything close to it. And here I was, pregnant. “Don’t worry,” I pressed out.

Aria threw me another questioning look.

I was usually better at keeping up appearances but the current situation made my walls crumble.

Matteo took my hand again and squeezed. His eyes sent a clear message “Do you want to leave?”

“Hey princess, how is it on the boys’ front?” I asked Marcella, giving her a cheeky smile. I wouldn’t run off from my family with my tail between my legs.

Marcella rolled her eyes in the direction of Luca who’d entered the living room with Romero at his side. “No boys.”

“They are scared of me!” Amo declared. I raised my eyebrows. He was tall for a five-year-old but I had a feeling Luca’s towering frame and his psychotic mafia killer reputation had more to do with the boys staying away.

I relaxed. This was familiar.

Romero gave me another warm smile before he joined Lily who’d set down Sara by now. He embraced her and a secretive look passed between them.

“What?” Aria asked at once. She’d noticed it too.

Lily laughed uncertainly, biting her lip, looking at Romero for some kind of sign. He shrugged. They smiled at each other and then Romero put his hand on Lily’s flat belly.

I froze.

Aria’s eyes grew wide, delight spreading on her beautiful face. “You’re pregnant?”

Lily nodded. “But it’s only six weeks.”

Matteo looked at me and squeezed my hand again but I didn’t react. I was in my fifth week if the pregnancy app was correct. My sister and I were both pregnant but our reactions couldn’t have been more different. Aria rushed toward Lily and hugged her carefully, then Romero. Luca slanted Matteo and me a suspicious look before he too congratulated them. Matteo tugged at my hand. “Come on, Gianna.”

I let him pull me toward my little sister, embraced and congratulated her on autopilot, pretended to be happy. Deep down I was happy for her but having her own joy thrown at me when I felt devastated for the very same reason… I couldn’t bear it.

I excused myself to the restrooms and sat down on the closed lid. For a long time, I only stared down at my feet in my favorite sandals, at my toe with the gold and diamond skull ring that Matteo had gifted me this morning, at the small tattoo on the arch of my foot: a Sanskrit symbol meaning breathe. I’d gotten the inspiration for it during my yoga teacher training. Breathing came naturally from birth to death, but right now my lungs seemed weighted down by lead.

A soft knock sounded. Too soft to be Matteo.

I steeled myself before I opened the door to Aria’s worried face. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve been feeling off these last few days. Maybe I’m coming down with something,” I lied.

“Do you want me to make you tea?”

I shook my head. “I’ll drink a few glasses of water to feel hydrated.”

The rest of the family had gathered on the terrace, chatting and drinking wine. Matteo’s gaze sought me at once, his eyes filled with concern. I gave him a firm smile and joined them outside. Luca held out a glass with white wine to me but I shook my head.

“Headache. I need to drink water first.”

Lily pointed at her glass. “Do you want some of my homemade iced tea. With Rooibos, not black tea though.”

“Sure,” I said and accepted a glass. We clinked glasses and I sipped at my iced tea. Only a few days until the appointment but I couldn’t bring myself to drink alcohol, as if it mattered what I did. Matteo snuck his arm around my waist, pulling me against him.

Luca and Aria occasionally threw us curious glances. They knew us too well. I talked to Aria about pretty much everything but this was a topic I couldn’t bring up with her, with my sister who loved her children more than life itself, whose motherly nature amazed me every day.

“I love that we’re doing this every year,” Lily said. We’d celebrated my birthday in the Hamptons every year in the last eight years because it was perfect out here in August.

“Next year, we’ll be one more!” Aria said with a huge smile.

One more. She was right. In one year, Lily would carry a newborn in her arms, looking exhausted but deliriously happy. And I? I’d be the same I had been the previous years, the cool aunt.

Even as I wished for that outcome, I knew I’d never be the version of me I’d been before. This pregnancy had already changed me.