Dear Ava by Ilsa Madden-Mills

17

Coiled and tense, I’m waiting for her in the parking lot. Okay, what’s the etiquette for seeing a girl after you’ve had sex with her? I mean, I know what happens after the usual girls, but she’s…her.

Her Jeep parks a few spaces over from mine and I jog over. She gets out of the car, bends over to grab her backpack, and turns to face me.

My heart skips. Fucking skips.

Last night.

Well.

It’s all I can think about and I’m ignoring those voices in my head, the ones that tell me to tread carefully, to go slow.

I just…

Want her.

I shove down niggling warnings that prick at me, reminding me that I have other commitments. Football. Dane.

One day at a time.

That’s what I’ve been telling myself since I walked out of her dorm last night.

For now, she’s here and I’m here and I refuse to go one more day with this need for her unmet.

She slings her backpack up and over her shoulder. There’s a hesitant look in her eyes.

“Sleep well?” I ask, fidgeting as we take off for the entrance of Camden.

A slow blush rises up her cheeks. Her head dips, a vulnerable expression flitting over her face. “Yeah. You?”

My head goes back to last night, when I had her under me, all the things I told her, about my mom, admitting I was SA. I didn’t leave her dorm until nearly midnight, and walking away from her in that bed was hard.

She smiles, her lips curving up, lush and pink. “Hello. Earth to Knox.”

“Great.”

I slept like crap. Once I got home—with a mewling cat in my arms—Dad was sitting in the kitchen, demanding to know where I’d been. I paused, getting Astley settled with some sandwich meat from the fridge and a water bowl as I contemplated my answer. Truth is best.

“I was with Ava. I’m with her,” I told him finally. Damn, it felt good to get it off my chest, to finally tell him I want her, I want her next to me, I want her so fucking bad that no one even matters—

With his wide eyes searching my face, he interrupted my thoughts. “Knox, son, that girl is trouble for your brother. He can’t get over what happened to her, and just maybe, there’s a reason—”

“You don’t get to tell me who I see,” I snapped back and then stomped up the stairs.

“Your brother still isn’t home,” he called at my back, and I stopped in my tracks.

I came back in the kitchen and we sat on the barstools. After a few texts, I figured out he was at Liam’s. Dad and I both went to bed exhausted.

I finally got to sleep, then Dane woke me up around three, crawling in on the other side of my bed, eyes hollow and empty. I watched him get under the covers and turn over to face the wall, his shoulders shuddering.

Was he crying?

Why didn’t he spend the night at Liam’s?

When six o’clock rolled around, I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and ran for two miles, then came back, showered, and let Suzy fix me breakfast while Dad got ready for an early flight to New York. I went through the motions automatically, my head on Ava. Wondering if she was eating something. Wondering if her lips were as swollen as mine.

I come back to the present when she nudges me.

“How are we going to do this?” she asks as we get to the front doors.

I don’t have to ask what she means. I see the tension on her face as I open the door, and she glides through, her finger plucking nervously at her skirt. I take it and clasp it in mine. She’s not sure what we are, and neither am I, yet here we are.

She bites her lip, eyes darting around at the students in the foyer.

“They’ll fall in line.” Or I’ll eviscerate them.

I don’t see any of the other guys. Dane said he’d ride with Liam this morning, and they’re going to be late considering Dane was barely awake when I left.

Eyes are on us as we walk to her locker. Brandon walks past us, his mouth swollen and cracked from where I hit him. His steps falter when he sees me next to her, and I feel her stiffen.

I smile/snarl—whatever you want to call what my lips do.

With a huff, he pales and moves on.

Ava fidgets. “Knox, I-I don’t want your team to—”

“Please, trust me. Just keep walking to your locker,” I tell her.

She nods and when we get there, she undoes her lock, grabbing her textbooks. She turns around, and I tilt her face up, kissing her long and deep. Her backpack falls to the floor, her arms curling up around my neck. Jesus. God. Krishna. Whatever. I want to drown in her. I want to eat her slowly then fast—

“Get a room, locker neighbor.” It’s Wyatt and his laconic accent that pulls us apart. He’s smirking. “Prank night must have ended well.” His eyes focus on me. “If you hurt her, I’ll make you regret it, Shark.”

“What’s going on?” Piper says, sliding up next to us. Her eyes widen when she takes in my hand around Ava’s hip. “Um, did I miss something? Was there a comet last night that altered everyone’s brain? No? Maybe someone had a lobotomy? Still no? Huh. Then someone please tell me why a Shark is looking at Ava like she’s a slice of pie?”

“Just Knox making a statement,” Ava murmurs and glances at me. “Try to rein it in for class, ’kay? I don’t want to be sitting in Mr. Trask’s office explaining the PDA.”

Piper frowns then turns to Ava. “Don’t we hate him?”

“Apparently not,” Wyatt drawls, tossing an arm around Piper. “They were making out like gangbusters before you walked up. Putting on quite a show.”

“We weren’t making out,” Ava says.

“Pretty much,” I say.

She rolls her eyes. “Let’s go to class.”

Chance walks down the hall, Brooklyn next to him, and I pause. Nothing like ripping the bandage off right now.

“You go on to class. I’ve got something to do.”

She looks past me, following my gaze, and gives me a nod as she and Piper take off, their heads tilted together. I can only imagine what Piper’s asking.

I walk over to Chance, who hasn’t seen me yet.

“Hey,” I say to him, nerves kicking in. How am I going to do this? Oh, by the way, last year when you were seeing Ava, I wanted her, and now I’ve had her and don’t think I’ll ever let her go?

I glance at Brooklyn. “Can you give us a moment?”

“What’s up?” Chance says as she heads to class. “You ready for the game tomorrow? Anxious? I heard a scout from Auburn is coming.”

So did I. I’ve kept thoughts of it locked away and will focus on it when I need to.

I study him. “I’m with Ava.”

He pauses, and a long sigh comes from him. “With her?”

“She’s mine.”

Shoving a hand through his hair, he glares at me as his nose flares. “You’re my best friend. You know I still care about her, and when you want a girl, you just take her and then it’s over. Is that what you’re telling me? You want to screw my ex?” His face tightens. “Or have you already?”

Not answering that.

His hands tighten around his books.

“Are you angry?” I expect him to be, but I don’t want to lose him…

“Yes.” His teeth clench. “How do I know you didn’t hurt her at the kegger?”

“How do I know it wasn’t you?” I reply sharply. Part of me knows he’s not like that, and that’s what I’ve been telling myself for months, but…

His fists clench. “Because I loved her, and it pisses me off for you to even think that!”

I exhale, trying to shake off the anger I feel toward him. “You had your opportunity, Chance. You have Brooklyn. Ava is mine.”

He shakes his head, a knowing glint in his eye. “No, she isn’t. You may think so, but that girl is nobody’s. She belongs to herself. She’s different from everyone else here. You can’t own her like your dad owns this town—”

“Do you know how she grew up? She used to live under a bridge. Her mom was an addict and dumped Ava with a newborn baby. Tyler’s like her kid. Do you know her? Really?”

His eyes narrow.

“You deserted her when she needed you.” I’ve never said those words aloud to him, but boy have I thought it.

He closes his eyes, some of the heat leaving his voice. “I made a mistake, and I think about it every day.”

“What are you two girls gossiping about?” It’s Liam, weaseling his way over to us. We’ve barely spoken except for football, and I give him a surprised glance. “Is it about Knox showing up at prank night? All those underclassman girls went nuts with pics of you on social, man. Knox is so hot. Knox is at Arlington. Knox is holding a cat.”

Chance blows out a breath and looks away from me.

Liam frowns. “You two having a little tiff? Things not well on the offense, Knox?” He smirks. “Let me guess—Ava. Jesus, I’m sick of her.”

“Shut up, Liam,” Chance snaps. “Just stay out of it.”

I realize my twin isn’t with Liam. “Where’s Dane?”

He shrugs. “Went to pick him up, blew the horn and texted him. I got nada. Guess he’s not coming. He was wasted last night when I dropped him off.”

“Yeah? Where were you guys?” I ask.

Liam curls his lip. “Had a little get-together in my barn, some girls from Hampton High dropped by, sweet as hell—”

Jolena approaches and he shuts up, giving us a sweeping look. No blabbing,his gaze says. Whatever.

“When you went to pick him up this morning, was my dad’s car there? White BMW? He usually parks under the portico outside the front door.” He was supposed to leave for New York today for a meeting, but he hadn’t left by the time I did.

“No.”

“Suzy’s black Camry?”

He gives me an annoyed glance. “Didn’t see it, but I’m not his babysitter. He’s probably just skipping.”

My throat dries. When I left, Suzy was taking care of Astley and making an appointment for her to go to the vet. Had she left already?

“I even got out and knocked on the door,” Liam continues. “He’s sleeping in and will show up.”

My lips tighten. He doesn’t have a car! I guess Suzy could bring him later, but…

Ignoring them, I open the Finders App on my phone, and sure enough, Dane is home. I think about him shuddering when he crawled in my bed last night—

Jolena lets out a startled gasp as she looks at her phone. She shoves it in my face. “Did you go to prank night with Ava?”

I look at the picture of me holding the cat. Ava is next to me, a little smile on her face. Damn, she’s beautiful.

Liam leans in and then looks at me, eyes gleaming. “Ah, didn’t see that one. You hitting that finally?” He smirks at Chance. “Sorry, man. What Knox wants, Knox eventually gets.”

Jolena shakes her head, her eyes hard. “What is going on? How did I miss this?”

“Catch up, Jo. He’s with her,” Chance says, his face tight. “I’m going to class.”

He stalks off, heading to History of Film, where I should be going.

“Let’s get out of here,” Liam says to Jolena, throwing his arm around her as they leave.

I think for half a second, debating going to class and seeing Ava or checking on my brother.

I whip around, head for the exit, and run for my car.

* * *

“Dane!”I call out as I walk into the kitchen, but no one’s there.

I check the den. The TV is on ESPN, but no Dane.

I jog out the French doors to the pool, my heart pounding. I’ve caught him out here before, a flat look on his face behind his sunglasses as he sat in a lounge chair. The place is eerily quiet except for the line of waterfalls along the pool wall that cascade down. Running, I scan the perimeter, the pool house, the cabana, the outdoor kitchen.

Twisting around, I dash back inside. “Dane!” I bellow.

Nothing.

I take the kitchen staircase three at a time and run to my room. He’s not there.

I step back into the hall and head to his bedroom. The door is shut and I swallow, closing my eyes, visions of Mom face down in our pool pulsing in my head.

“Dane?”

His bed is empty and his room is a total wreck, clothes on the floor, fast food drinks on the nightstand, his prescription bottles strewn about.

The sound of the shower comes from his bathroom and I call out his name before I step inside. The white, wall-to-wall marble-tiled bathroom is almost as big as his bedroom. Steam rises, clouding the mirrors.

My heart lurches when I see him huddled nude on the floor of the walk-in shower.

His knees are pulled up to his chest, water falling over him. I fling the door open and relief makes me weak. Panting, I crouch to the floor at the edge of the shower, water droplets hitting my face and clothes.

“Dane? Hey, man, I’m here,” I whisper as I reach over and turn off the water.

He doesn’t reply, just rocks back and forth.

Fear and dread snake over me as I glance around the room, my gaze landing and freezing on a package of razor blades on the sink. Adrenaline seizes me and my eyes dart back to him, but I don’t see any cuts or blood.

“Dane? Come on, man. It’s me.”

He moans, his head still lowered.

Shit, shit, shit.I rub my face. I can’t make him do the right things, and emotion, dark and thick, slides over me.

I don’t know how to fix him.

I wish I were better at this, but I’m just…

Just a fucking kid!

I barely know anything.

Since he won’t talk, I do, my voice gentle, ignoring the razor blades for now. “I was worried when you didn’t come to school.”

Several seconds pass.

“Let me get you a towel.” My legs feel weak as I push myself to stand and open the cabinet, grabbing a white one.

When I turn, he’s watching me, eyes empty.

Give me strength. Please, God, I don’t know if you’re real or if you’re listening, but this is my brother and he’s messed up, and he’s all I have, and…and I don’t know the right things to say and if I lose him—

I get in the shower with him and sit next to him and throw the towel over his shoulders. I’m not sure how long we stay there, my arms tight around him until he finally starts to cry. Long, earthshattering sobs. I’m terrified, but I don’t let go.

“I’m here, I’m here,” I say softly.

“I want to die,” he says in a ragged voice into my chest. His fists pound into my arms, and I take it. “I can’t do this shitty life anymore. I’m so tired of being lost and going on and pretending I’m okay when I’m not, and I know it and you know it, and I’m not strong, I’m not. I’m weak and I can’t shake things off like you do and carry on like she didn’t die and leave us and leave us and leave us and, fuck, I miss her so much…”

Helplessness eviscerates me. Tears clog my throat until they’re falling with his. I lift his face and press our foreheads together. “Dane, please, brother, please, you can’t leave me here. She’s gone, she is, but I’m here for you.”

He looks up at me, his face twisted. “Maybe you’d be better off without me. I keep bringing you down and you keep worrying and worrying…” He shudders, his voice halting and etched in pain. “You’re going to hate me.”

“Never.”

Several moments pass as he weeps, and I keep my arms around his wet body. I feel the tension in him, as if…

I push the hair out of his face. “Come on, talk to me. Tell me what brought this on.”

A long exhalation comes from him as he leans his head back against the shower wall. In a toneless voice, he says, “I remember…what happened to Ava.”

I flinch, revulsion crawling over my skin. “Are you saying it was you? Because no way—”

“Might as well have been,” he says bitterly. “It was Liam. And I knew it this whole time.”

I can’t breathe. Anger and rage coil inside me, itching to get out. Liam. Liam. Liam. I’m going to pound my fists into his face. I’m going to rip him apart, and then I’m going to do it all over again—

He grabs my hand and clenches it until it hurts. “I know you want to run out of here and kill him, but you have to hear all of this. You have to hear my part.”

“I’m not leaving you,” I tell him brokenly, my shoulders hunching.

He gulps air. “Liam, last night, he…he had a small group at his barn, some of the players, and he was hot after some girl from Hampton High. We were drinking and he pointed toward the Hampton girl and said, ‘Tonight I get a trophy from her.’”

“What does that mean?”

He closes his eyes. “It just sounded like something I’ve heard before, like it knocked something loose in my memory.” He scrubs his face. “It kept niggling at me. Then it hit me. I recall being at the bonfire and watching him slip off into the woods. He set his drink down on a stump, said, ‘Trophy time,’ and followed Ava.”

His words sink in, and my hands clench. Different scenarios fly through my head—

“It’s my fault too. I was there. I was THERE. And I’ve known for ten months.”

“You just now remembered,” I tell him.

“Maybe there’s other stuff I don’t recall.” He pauses, his hands wringing. “Last night, he wanted to do some coke, and I didn’t, and he kept asking me why and when I said I was tired, he just got this hard look on his face, like he knew I remembered something. I could tell he regretted saying the trophy thing.” He takes a breath. “So before he brought me home, he asked me if I remembered that I roofied Ava’s drink at the kegger, and I said no, I didn’t give her anything to drink, and he just laughed and gave me that aw-shucks routine and said, ‘I saw you giving her drinks but I won’t tell anyone.’” Anguish glazes his face as he looks at me. “I wouldn’t do that, would I? Not after what happened to Mom…”

“No, you wouldn’t,” I assure him, and he just stares at me.

“I’m your brother. That’s what you’re supposed to say because you love me, but what if I did?”

“You didn’t!” My gut fucking knows it! “Look at how the idea of it wrecks you! You didn’t!”

He flinches and I exhale and ease him up by his arms, helping him stand.

I make him sit on the toilet as I lean over the sink, turn on the water, and splash my face. After drying my face, I pick up the razors and face him. “Dane, you can’t quit on me, okay? I’m going to get you help, and you’ve got to stop with the drugs, and…” I stop, swallowing.

What does he need? He needs me and Dad. We need to circle the wagons and get him straight.

He dips his head. “This is what’s been eating at me, and for months my brain has been telling me I knew something. I don’t want to be part of that, to hurt a person like Ava.” He bites his lip, trying to fight the tears, but they’re back, coursing down his face. “I’m sorry, God, I’m so sorry. I know you care about her, and what have I done?”

I watch him and wrestle with my emotions about Ava, knowing I have to be strong for him. “Come on, let’s get you dressed.” I dash into his room, grab him some joggers and a T-shirt from his chest of drawers, and press them into his hands. Inside, I’m seething with suppressed rage over Liam, but somehow I manage to keep it from spilling over. Liam’s been at the center of Dane’s issues for months. Oh, I’m not stupid, I know my brother has problems, but Liam, that motherfucker, I’m going to kill—

“I can’t go to school,” Dane murmurs.

“I know.” I’m just glad he’s putting his pants on. I don’t want to think about the broken boy in the shower.

“How does peppermint tea sound? We can talk. Are you high right now?”

Isn’t that what old people do, coffee and tea until everything’s okay?

He shakes his head, and when I meet his eyes, they still have that vacant look, but his pupils are normal.

After I change into some sweats and a shirt that isn’t wet, we walk downstairs to the kitchen, and I put the kettle on, wishing Dad were here. He’s on a plane and won’t land until noon. We’re going to need his help. None of this can go wrong if we want to keep Dane safe from himself while also making sure Liam gets what he deserves.

I send Dad a text, not really saying what’s up but letting him know it’s an emergency and to call me when he gets service. Don’t need to leave a trail, runs through my head, because I’m paranoid as shit. There’s no real proof it was Liam, and if we run and accuse him now, more than likely, he’ll point his finger at Dane and say it was him who drugged her. Hell, he could even say it was Dane who followed her into the woods. All kinds of different possibilities run through my head as I make our tea, dunking the herbal bag.

Dane sits at the marble island and sips his until there’s color in his face once again. He eyes me. “What are you thinking? Do I need to go to Ava—”

I hold my hand up. The last thing Dane needs is to be around Ava. He’s teetering on the edge and his guilt is palpable, a tangible thing.

“Liam’s at school and we aren’t. That’s what I’m thinking.” I take a sip, looking at him over the rim of my cup. “We need proof.” Or maybe I just need to see it for myself, to confirm everything Dane has said, because while I trust that he didn’t hurt Ava, his head isn’t on quite straight right now, and I need to see for myself what Liam did to her. My hands tighten.

He nods, watching my fists. “If you beat him up, you’ll be arrested. They’re somebody in this town, Knox. His dad is the fucking mayor. We need to wait for Dad before we go to the cops.”

Frustration gnaws at me. “But if he was talking about trophies, I’d like to see them.”

Dane starts. “How? I don’t even know where he keeps them.”

“Where do you keep your drugs? The good stuff?”

“Bedroom. High up in the closet inside a box under a bunch of sweaters.”

I nod, making a note to go find them later and dump them. “Then, we’re going to get into his bedroom. That’s where his secrets are. His parents are working. He has a maid and a chef, right?”

He nods, a nervous look on his face. “What are you thinking?”

I’m not thinking straight at all. I’m operating on instinct.

“We knock on the door, tell them you left your phone in Liam’s room, which makes perfect sense—you were there last night, and it’s legit if Liam asks because he tried to text you this morning and couldn’t get you.” I pause. “Plus, if we find his…whatever he keeps, and by now, I’m thinking underwear…” I pause. “I need to see it, Dane.”

Dane gives me a long look. “You’re in love with her.”

I don’t respond for several moments. “I tried to stay away from her.” For you.

He sighs and stares down at his tea. “Just…just don’t let Dad put me at Lakeside, okay? Mom hated that place.”

Lakeside is a private facility where Mom stayed on and off.

“Maybe you need to stay for a week or so—”

“No. I don’t want to not see you! I’ll go back to therapy and that’s it.” He swallows. “I’ll go today if you’ll go with me. I need you, Knox.”

I exhale and nod, knowing I’ll probably need to convince Dad of it, and then make us a quick breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast as we talk more, letting him settle. I watch him closely, feeling better as his color brightens and he eats everything on his plate.

After I’ve called Suzy to check in and let her know we’re home today so she won’t be surprised if she sees us, I look at him. I don’t want to push him to do too much, but…

“You really want to sneak into Liam’s?” he asks.

I nod. “If you don’t want to, I’ll do it.”

He exhales. “I want to. Maybe it might jog a memory if I hurt her. I mean…” His lashes flutter. “What if it was…both of us?”

“It fucking wasn’t,” I say firmly as I grab my keys.

* * *

An hour later,the deed is done, and we leave Liam’s and get in my car. I drive to the end of their lane before I have to stop and let Dane vomit. It went pretty much like I thought it would, me smiling at the waitstaff while Dane nodded and went along with me, then we went to Liam’s bedroom on the second floor. We shut the door, locked it, and divided the room. He took the closet and I headed for the chest of drawers. I was close to giving up when I lifted his mattress. There, in an Adidas bag, I dumped out panties and thongs, some plain, some frilly. A white pair stood out. ATH was written on the back waistband. Ava Tulip Harris. She put her initials there, the same kind she wore last night.

We stood there and waffled on what to do with them. If Liam got suspicious, he might move them. If we took them, it would be messing with evidence. In the end, I used Dane’s burner to take pictures of them, making sure to get Liam’s bedroom in the photo. I don’t even know if it makes sense to take the pictures, but I’m worried he’ll ditch the underwear.

And now here we are.

Dane wipes his mouth. Puts his seat belt back on. “Do you…do you think they’ll prosecute me too? I deserve it for not remembering.”

My hands tighten around the wheel as I pull out. I don’t know if he’ll be an accomplice, but either way, this is about to be very ugly.

“In the end, it will probably come down to his word against yours about the woods and what you saw. You were trashed, but those underwear are damning.” I mull it over and decide I just don’t know enough. “He’s going to say it was you. He already dropped a hint when he said you roofied her.”

He nods, looking out the window.

A text comes in and I check my phone: a message from Dad saying he’s catching the next flight back and will be here in a few hours. I let Dane know.

He leans back against the headrest. “Thank you for coming home. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he says as he looks out the window.

He’s asleep before I even reach our house.