The Queen by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Chapter 18

I sat on the bed while Kalen called…well, I don’t know who he called. In situations like these, he normally would’ve called Tanner, and I doubted he’d call Faye when she was dealing with her cousin.

But he spoke to someone while I sat there, holding the iron cuff and staring at the spot where Tanner had been standing.

I was still angry, but I was also…I just couldn’t believe that Tanner had sent himself back to the Otherworld. Whatever Caden or I would’ve done to him would’ve paled in comparison to what would happen to him in a realm ruled by the Winter Queen. We would’ve killed him. End of story. But a fae stabbed by iron didn’t die. It basically sent them home, and being sent to the Otherworld was a fate worse than death.

Not that he didn’t deserve it, but I…

I just couldn’t believe any of this.

“Brighton.”

Blinking, I realized that Kalen had been speaking to me. “I’m sorry?”

“It’s all right. I said…” He dragged a hand through his hair, trailing off as he stared at the same spot as I did. “I can’t believe this. I wouldn’t have believed any of this if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.”

“I thought that maybe he’d told Tatiana and perhaps her brother. So that they’d know what was happening and she could pursue Caden, you know?” I explained hoarsely, running my fingers over the cuff. “I had no idea.”

“I don’t know what to even say.” Kalen turned away from the spot. “I really don’t.”

“Neither do I.”

It was only a few minutes later that Caden filled the doorway. I looked up, my heart seizing at the sight of him. The urge to race over to him hit me hard. I was starting to stand when I realized what I was doing and stopped myself. Was he still mad at me? Well, obviously, he had to be. One didn’t get over all that he learned in a matter of hours. I wasn’t sure if he would want me to go to him, to touch him.

And God, that was another sting on an already raw, rapidly spreading wound.

Caden had halted, but then he was striding forward, coming to where I sat. I half expected him to stop there or to put space between us.

That’s not what he did.

He knelt, gently taking my face in his hands. The contact was a jolt to the system as his gaze searched mine. “Are you okay?”

I started to answer, but his touch threw me for a loop, and all my hesitation slipped away.

Dropping the cuff onto the bed, I all but launched myself at Caden. If he were unprepared, he didn’t show it. He caught me in his arms and straightened, holding me tightly. He didn’t push me away. I buried my face in his chest, inhaling deeply. That didn’t mean that everything was peachy and perfect between us, but I needed him—needed to feel him, to smell him, to be held by him—and he was here.

That meant everything.

“Brighton?” he murmured, smoothing a hand through my hair and down my back as I felt his head turn. “Is she okay?”

“Physically, yes,” came Kalen’s answer.

“I’m fine.” My voice was muffled and probably barely coherent, but I didn’t lift my head. “I’m just…it was Tanner, Caden. It was him.”

Tension strummed through every part of his body as he said to Kalen, “Tell me what you know.”

Kalen did exactly that, but he didn’t know everything. I did. Forcing myself to put it together, I lifted my head and reluctantly stepped back. I told Caden everything Tanner had told me, and he went from tense to downright rigid when I got to the part about Aric.

I was pacing by that point, one arm curled over my stomach. “He kept saying that he thought he was doing the right thing—”

“He wasn’t,” growled Caden.

“I know.” I stopped, meeting his gaze. “I was going to kill him. I trusted him. My mom trusted him. You trusted him. But I was going to kill him.” Tearing my gaze from Caden’s hard one, I started walking again. “That’s when he grabbed the blade with a napkin and told me that Neal had left the city, but that he had to know that I was your weakness, and that Neal would’ve told others. He then told me—” I cleared my throat. “He told me that I needed to do what he’d failed to do. Protect the Court by never letting my guard down. And then he…”

“He sent himself back to the Otherworld,” Kalen picked up where I left off. “What will be done to him there will… It will make whatever we could do to him here look like nothing.”

A muscle worked along Caden’s jaw. “That knowledge doesn’t ease me. I want to watch the life seep out of his eyes.”

Kalen didn’t object to that.

Neither did I.

“Can you please sit?” Caden asked, and I stopped. “You should be resting, and nothing about any of this is restful.” He turned to Kalen. “Can you get Luce? I want Brighton checked.”

“Of course.” Kalen bowed and then turned to leave.

I sat because he was right. I felt okay, but none of this was exactly stress-free.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Caden asked.

“I feel all right. He didn’t try to hurt me.” I pressed my lips together. “At least not this time. Are you okay?”

Caden stared at me. “You don’t need to worry if I’m okay.”

“But I do,” I told him. “He said you were with Faye, handling Benji, and I know you trusted Tanner. Everybody trusted him.”

“I’m worried about you and the baby right now—”

“And I’m worried about you,” I cut in. “Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.”

His head tilted and, for a moment, I wondered if he was going to say anything. “I trusted Tanner as much as I trusted anyone. I never would have expected him to be behind this.”

“I still can’t believe it.” I picked up the cuff, turning it over in my hands. “I should be relieved that at least we know who was responsible, but I can’t feel that. I don’t understand how he thought this was the right thing.”

“Fear.”

I looked up at Caden.

“Fear is what made him think it was right.” He approached slowly, sitting beside me. “Some of the fae here have limited their contact with the outside world so much that the Winter fae and their Queen have become like…what do you call it? The thing that scares children?”

“Bogeymen?”

“Yes. That.” He turned his head to me. “It’s not that I don’t think they’re not a threat. They are, but fear and panic are far more dangerous than any creature out there. It’s the only reason I can think of that would’ve caused him to take this path. His fear of the Court weakening was far greater than his fear of what I would do to him.” His gaze dropped to the cuff. “Maybe some would say that I should make myself into something greater to fear, but my father didn’t rule that way. Neither will I.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” I stopped turning the cuff. “Making people fear you only works for so long. We humans have a long, sordid history of doing that and failing, and…” I peeked up at him. “And that’s not you. I mean, you’re badass and can be very scary at times, but you’re also kind. I never would have…”

“What?”

I lifted my gaze to his. “I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you if you were the type to believe that fear is a tool to be used to rule people.” I turned my attention back to the cuff, quickly changing the subject. “I can’t imagine how people are going to react.”

“This is going to hit everyone hard. Tanner was well-respected. He was cared for. Loved. Trusted,” he said, exhaling roughly. “I could lie. I could swear Kalen to silence. But lies…they never work out as one intends, even when they’re told with the best of intentions.”

“No.” My shoulders sank. “They don’t. He…he said that he thought he was doing the right thing, just like we thought we were doing the right thing.”

“He’s wrong. What he did is nothing like our situation, Brighton. Not at all.”

“I know. It’s not the same, but I get the sentiment. You thought it was best to give me time before you told me everything. I thought it was best to push you away and keep the pregnancy a secret so everyone was safe. Neither of us was right. It’s still not the same. I know that.” I leaned over, placing the cuff on the end table. “But I…I keep seeing his face. He knew what he’d done was wrong. I think he even knew when he told Aric I was important to you, but he kept doing it anyway. And I know a lot has happened. God. Things won’t stop happening, but I…” I looked up at him as something occurred to me—something important and powerful. “I don’t want to keep messing up and making the wrong choices. I love you, Caden. I want this baby. I want us to be together. I don’t know if I’ll make a good Queen. Honestly, I’ll probably suck at it, but I don’t care. I want to be your Queen. I know you’re mad at me—”

“I’m not mad at you, Brighton.”

“Really? You sure you don’t want to rethink that answer?”

His eyes met mine once more. “I don’t need to think about it. I’m not mad. Even when I’m furious with something you’ve done, I’m never angry at you.”

That sounded like it would be good, if a bit confusing, but I had a feeling that whatever he was going to say next might be worse.

“I’m disappointed,” he said, and my shoulders drooped. I was right. That was worse. “I—”

Whatever he was about to say was cut off by Luce’s arrival. My blood pressure was a little high, which wasn’t exactly surprising. And then others arrived, one after another. Faye. Tink. Fabian. Ren and Ivy. Some fae I recognized but didn’t know their names. Others I wasn’t sure I’d seen before.

There was a lot of disbelief. Not a single person or fae who came through the door could believe or understand why Tanner had done what he did. There were long moments of shocked silence, there were tears, and then Caden reassured everyone that life at Hotel Good Fae would continue, and that things would be rough, but that it would be okay. And as I sat there, listening to how calm he was, how sure he sounded, I didn’t doubt for one second that things would eventually be okay once enough time had passed to move past the shock of Tanner’s betrayal and the grief of his loss that was still to come, no matter what he’d done.

I didn’t think I realized until then that Caden had truly been born to be a leader. I think he even eased Ren’s and Ivy’s concern, which was truly saying something. They left to share the news with Miles.

The whole time, Caden remained at my side. I kept expecting him to leave. I imagined that he needed to make a statement to all the fae at one time, but he didn’t go.

There wasn’t much for me to do as I sat there, other than to replay what’d happened with Tanner over and over and also wonder what it would take for Caden to no longer be disappointed.

If that was even possible.

I had to believe that it was. Like Hotel Good Fae, it would take time. There would be grief. There would be anger, but we had to get past this.

We had to.

Eventually, only Fabian and Tink remained in the room with us. Tink was standing in the corner, leaning against the wall. He’d been quiet through most of this, and I worried about him. He really liked Tanner, and I knew this had to be hitting him hard.

“There is something I can do,” Fabian said after he and Caden discussed what needed to be done and whether what Tanner had said about Neal could be believed. Like me, I didn’t think there was a reason to doubt what Tanner had claimed. Neal wasn’t a problem. For now, at least. “I know you’ll need to speak with the Court, but Tink and I can hold things down here while you make sure Brighton and my future niece or nephew actually get some stress-free rest.”

I opened my mouth.

“We got this.” Tink pushed off the wall, joining Fabian. “Consider these early godfather duties.”

I closed my mouth as Caden frowned at the whole godfather thing. I fully expected him to thank them for the offer but pass. He was King, after all.

“Thank you. I appreciate it,” Caden said.

Slowly, I turned toward him. “But aren’t you needed? Don’t you have to talk to them?”

“I’m needed here more,” he said.

Too afraid to hope that was a positive sign, all I could do was nod. Tink came to my side, then bent and kissed my cheek. “Please get some rest.”

“I will,” I promised, catching his arm as he pulled away. “Are you okay?”

He gave me a small, sad smile. “I will be.”

“It’s a lot.”

“It is.” He slipped free, and then he left with Fabian.

The door closed behind them, and then I was alone with Caden, sitting close but not touching. I was exhausted, but I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon. There was too much going on in my head and—

“Tanner was wrong,” Caden stated, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“I think there are a lot of things he was wrong about.”

“Yes, but there was something he was very wrong about.” He looked over at me then. “You’re not my weakness.”

My lips parted on a sharp inhale.

His gaze searched mine. “I could sense that you expected me to leave.”

“I…I did. I imagined that they’d want to see you. You’re really good at calming others.”

“They will want to see me, and they will. But like I said, I’m needed here. I know you’re tired. I can sense that too, but there’s something I need to finish telling you.”

Heart rate picking up, I nodded.

“I was disappointed, Brighton. I tried to clarify that, but we got interrupted. We keep getting interrupted,” he said. “It seems like that’s a trend for us.”

“Yes,” I whispered. “It is.”

He lowered his chin, leaning in so that our faces were only a few inches apart. “I was disappointed and overwhelmed. Of all the ways I’d thought to find out I was going to be a father, this wasn’t one of them. It was a lot to process, but what you said earlier? About not wanting to keep making the wrong choices? I agree. What Tanner did is nothing like us, but we both thought we were doing the right thing. I should’ve told you. You should’ve told me. We both messed up.”

I felt like I couldn’t breathe again, but this time for an entirely different reason. “We did.”

“I think we’re going to mess up again, sunshine,” he said, and my breath caught at the use of my nickname. “It’s bound to happen, especially since we’re going to be raising a child. I imagine we’re going to mess up a lot with that, too, but you know what that doesn’t change, right?”

I nodded. “That…that we love each other?”

“Right.” He took my face in his hands. “You hold a part of my soul, Brighton. You are my everything. Nothing will change that. Ever.”

A strangled sound left me as I grasped the front of his shirt. “I love you.”

We moved at the same time, and the moment our lips touched, it was like taking the first deep breath of summer air. The kiss was sweet and somehow more powerful than any we’d shared before. Maybe because it was the first kiss we’d shared with nothing hidden between us. Perhaps because it felt like a beginning.

Ending the kiss, he rested his forehead against mine as he slid a hand down my arm, to the curve of my hip and then to my lower stomach. “We are going to have a baby.”

I smiled widely, blinking back tears—happy ones as I placed my hand over his. “We are.”

“I haven’t even thought about having a child, sunshine. But from the moment I learned that you were pregnant, even with everything going on, I knew in that moment that I wanted to be a father.”

“I know the feeling.” I squeezed his hand. “It was a shock, but I knew immediately that I wanted this child.”

“You’ll be a great mother.”

“You think so?”

He pulled back so he could see my face. “I know so. Why would you doubt that?”

“I…I haven’t had any more hallucinations or…breaks in reality. But that doesn’t mean I won’t. And I know you think it will be different for me, but I can’t help but worry. I want to give this child what I didn’t have. I want to be a mother who is always there, and what if…what if I’m not?”

He touched my cheek again. “We have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I can promise you that you’re not alone. If you have more moments or not, I’m here. You have me. Our child will have both of us, no matter what, and we’ve got enough love already for this child that it will be enough. We will give him or her everything they could ever need.” He kissed my forehead. “Besides, I have a feeling this kid is going to be strong. They’ll be able to handle anything.”

I shuddered. “Luce thinks that the child is already strong-willed and determined to live.”

Caden folded his arms around me, gathering me close. “I don’t doubt that for one second, not when it’s you who’s carrying this child. I don’t know anyone, human or fae, more strong-willed and determined to live than you.”

I lifted my head, kissing him again, and for the first time in my life, I felt no fear, no anger, and no worry.

Both of us had gone through our own hell to get here. We deserved it. Our child deserved it. All I felt was love.

I was whole.