A Vow Of Hate by Lylah James

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

 

THE PAST

 

Julianna

 

 

“What if tonight flops? What if my truth comes out?” I whispered, squeezing my sister’s hand in a death grip.

“Dear Lord, calm down.” Gracelynn placed a hand on my knee, forcing me to stop bouncing my legs. “You’re so jittery, it’s making me nervous.”

I burrowed my other hand into my black satin gown, trying to hide my shaking from her. The bodice was too tight, or it felt like it. When I left home, the sapphire and diamond necklace was light as a feather, but now it felt heavy. Almost like a weight around my neck.

Maybe it wasn’t the necklace.

Maybe it was the ball of emotions and anxiety stuck in my throat.

The engagement party was tonight. And this was the first time both my sister and I were making an appearance in public, at such a grand event. Our father had kept us living quite a private life. I had never been photographed and my sister only had one of her photos swimming around on the internet, but that was almost eight years ago and she was barely thirteen.

Gracelynn and I had social media, but our accounts were on private and we never posted any of our photos online either. While our father attended many parties and events amongst the high society, we never accompanied him.

In fact, this would be our debut as Bishop Romano’s daughters.

All eyes would be on us, full of judgment and gossip.

And not to forget… my secret would possibly not be a secret anymore by the end of tonight, if my sister and I were not careful enough.

“How are you not nervous?” I hissed under my breath.

She brushed a hand down her emerald gown, smoothing out the wrinkles. My sister and I wore a similar gown. Mine was black and strapless, with a long slit along my right leg. Gracelynn wore the same gown, but in an emerald shade and hers was a sweetheart neckline with long sleeves. “Because I have faith it’ll all work out.”

I shoved my hand into the pocket of my gown, curling my fingers into a fist. I just couldn’t stop the tremors. “You’re way too optimistic.”

Gracelynn rolled her eyes. “And you’re way too cynical. Always have been.”

“No, I’m not,” I shot back, defensively.

“Are to.”

“I’m not.”

“Will you two stop the jabbering?” Simon’s deep voice broke in. He was sitting in the passenger’s seat at the front. He shook his head. “You act like kids sometimes.”

“We don’t,” Gracelynn and I growled together.

“Sisters,” he muttered. “For fuck’s sake.”

“Was that meant to be an insult?” my sister said through clenched teeth.

Simon brought his hands up in mock defense. “No, milady. I wouldn’t dare.”

He caught Gracelynn’s gaze through the rear-view mirror. He grinned a secret smile before winking, once.

My sister blushed and she stuck her tongue out, before slumping back against the backseat.

Ten minutes later, the car came to a slow stop. The driver cleared his throat. “We’re here.”

“I think I prefer to stay in the car,” I mumbled.

Gracelynn punched me in the arm and she leveled me with a glare. “Get yourself together.” She leaned in closer, to whisper in a low voice so that the driver wouldn’t hear. “You’re about to be married to Killian Spencer. You can’t hide anymore, Sister. You need to be the woman he needs you to be. His equal. He needs you strong and fierce. A lioness. He protects you. You protect him.”

“I don’t know how to be…”

“You do,” my sister cut in. “And you are. A strong woman. Believe that.”

A resigned sigh left my chest and I nodded. “Let’s do this.”

Simon opened the door for us and we climbed out of the car. The engagement party was held in one of my father’s five-star hotels and the entrance itself was grand.

The moment we stepped out of the car, there were multiple flashes and several fast clicks. “Shit,” I cursed under my breath, before plastering a smile on my face.

Gracelynn did the same. We allowed the photographers to take a few photos of us before Simon quickly escorted us inside.

“I didn’t expect them to jump on us like that.”

“What did you expect?” I said, my voice shaking. “This is our first public appearance. And I’m – well, you are engaged to Killian Spencer.”

It was in this very moment that I realized why Killian hated the paparazzi and tabloids so much.

His mother was an A-list actress, so he had been photographed since he was a child. And then his father ran for President for two consecutive terms, which brought Killian more into the limelight. It must have been exhausting, to grow up and mature in such an environment.

We walked past the double door, leading into the banquet hall of the hotel. Gracelynn and I both came to a halt at the entrance, as everyone slowly turned around, their eyes landing on us.

My sister was more comfortable around people and having attention on her. But me? Not so much. How do I stand? Where do I put my hands?

God, I was hyperventilating.

My gaze darted around the banquet hall and when I met familiar dark eyes, I stilled. Killian stood tall and proud, amongst a sea of people, in a black tuxedo. He always looked so graceful and contained. And this self-assured man… belonged to me.

His gaze was riveted on mine, his lips twitching in a half-smile.

My father came to my sister and I. “You two are late,” he whispered, a tight smile plastered on his face.

“Sorry,” Gracelynn apologized. “I had an issue with my outfit.”

What our father didn’t know was that we were purposely late. Our plan was to walk in and out quickly. The less time we spent at this engagement party, the easier it would be for us to keep up our ruse.

Father guided us toward the middle of the room. Killian stood on his right and Father clasped him by the shoulder. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure you’re aware already of why we are here tonight. But I still want to make this announcement public. It’s with utmost pride to welcome Killian into the Romano family as my son-in-law. My eldest daughter Gracelynn and Killian are to be married in four months.”

Father gestured toward Gracelynn and I with one hand. We were practically stuck to the hip and we both smiled. To the guests, Gracelynn was my sister.

To Killian, I was Grace.

My heart withered when Killian gave me his signature smirk, looking decadently sinful. I hated how innocently he loved me…while I had been deceiving him from the start.

My secrets had turned our love story into something ugly.

It was unfair and cruel to the man I loved. The guilt of it was too heavy to bear anymore. The longer I dragged these lies, the harder it became for me to look into Killian’s eyes and act like everything was fine and perfect.

I had to tell him the truth.

I have to.

The next thirty minutes passed in a blur. Gracelynn and I stayed together, smiling at the guests, speaking when we were expected to. There were more than a hundred congratulations and my cheeks had started to ache from the stiff smile glued on my face.

Every now and then, I sneaked a glance at my fiancé. Killian was on the other side of the room, talking with a group of gentlemen. Once, our gaze met, and there was something in his dark eyes. Something akin to mischief and need.

Without him even saying a word to me thus far tonight, I knew what he wanted. What he was waiting for.

We both craved to be alone together, in each other’s presence. Away from the crowd. Away from all the judgmental eyes of these people.

When the orchestra started playing something different, a waltz tune, my eyes widened and I grasped for Gracelynn’s elbow. She went rigid too as we watched a few people move toward the center of the room, for a couple dance.

From my peripheral vision, I watched Killian stride toward Gracelynn and I.

“He’s coming,” I hissed to my sister. “I think he’s going to ask me for a dance. Do something!”

William Spencer and my father were watching us carefully, pride shining in their eyes. There was more attention on us now when the guests noticed Killian coming toward the Romano sisters.

As Killian approached us, coming toward me – Gracelynn quickly sidestepped into his path, halting him. She smiled, her hand fluttering to his chest. “I think you owe me a dance, Killian.”

“I do?” Killian muttered in a tight voice.

Her eyes widened with feigned innocence and even I was fooled to almost believe that her smile was real. “Of course, you do.” Her voice softened to a low whisper, only loud enough for me and Killian to hear. “If you think you can waltz my sister away so easily, think again. You have to work for it.”

Killian made an impatient sound in the back of his throat but nodded nonetheless. Gracelynn wrapped her hand around the crook of his elbow. My fiancé gave me a look filled with longing, before guiding my sister toward the rest of the waltzing couples.

I grabbed a glass of fruit punch off a server’s tray and watched Killian and my sister dance. To an outsider, they looked like a normal couple. Gracelynn fluttered her lashes up at Killian and her pretty smile never wavered. She was a good actress; I had to give it to her.

I peeked at my father and saw him nodding approvingly, looking quite pleased at the sight of Gracelynn and Killian dancing.

She successfully convinced Killian to dance two songs. Afterward, he guided Gracelynn back to where I was standing.

My sister appeared flustered, showing the guests just how amorous and captivated she was by her fiancé, while Killian’s attention was solely on me.

“Dance with me,” he said in a low voice, loud enough for my ears only. I swallowed, my eyes darting to his outstretched hand and back to his handsome, sculptured face.

“Are you asking or telling me?” I whispered.

His dark eyes flared. “May I have this dance, Princess?”

I nodded, while handing my glass to my sister, and Killian grasped my hand in his.

Once we were in the middle of the dance floor, his hand curled around my waist. Since my gown was backless, it was skin to skin. His callous fingers brushed along the curve of my back, my bare skin erupting with goosebumps at his teasing touch. The tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

My left hand went to his shoulder and he grasped my right one in his. The orchestra began a new song, and Killian guided me through the rhythm. It wasn’t a waltz, but it was a slow dance.

“You look enticing tonight,” he said, the rough timbre of his voice caressing my skin. “I’m more than pleased that you didn’t braid or put your hair up in a bun.”

I had kept my hair down, in soft waves, the way Killian liked it. The only thing fancy I did with it, was my hair being pearl-speckled – the tiny pearls woven and scattered into the platinum strands of my hair.

I matched Killian’s pace, making sure I didn’t step on his foot. “I wanted to wear a red dress, but then I thought it would be too bold.”

“You made the right choice, because if you had worn a red dress – I would have defiled you right there behind a pillar.”

“Maybe another time,” I breathed.

“Indeed,” Killian rasped. “Patience is a virtue, but mine has been stretched thin. I throb for you, Princess.”

He pulled me closer, so that our bodies were touching – so close, I could feel his breath fanning against my cheeks and his…

Oh.

Is that –

His erection pressed into my stomach and I stumbled, my heels catching the back of my dress. That was what Killian meant when he said he throbbed for me.

His arm tightened around my waist as he helped me regain my footing before I could further embarrass myself.

“You – I mean,” I stuttered before clearing my throat. “Your courting gifts were very thoughtful, Killian. But I truly feel like you shouldn’t have–”

“You’re worth it,” Killian said, cutting through my useless rant. “And as for my gift… well, you’ll be giving me something on our wedding night, alright. I can be… patient until then.”

It was then I realized that he was responding to my last letter.

“That’s very gentlemanly of you, Mr. Spencer.”

“You won’t be calling me a gentleman when I’m between your thighs and taking what belongs to me, Miss Romano,” he said, in a gravelly calm tone.

“Killian,” I hissed.

“What?” he said, feigning innocence.

“Not here,” I stuttered.

He brushed his fingers over my back, caressing my bare skin with such tenderness, it made me ache. “Shall we go somewhere else then? Somewhere more private.”

I dug my nails into his shoulders, but he didn’t even flinch. In fact, he just gave me a lazy half-smile, his dark eyes hooded with unmasked lust. “I thought you were supposed to protect my virtue, Killian Spencer.”

“Your virtue will stay very much intact till our wedding night, but there’s a lot of things I can still do to you, Princess.”

“Killian–”

“I can make you feel good,” he rasped in my ear.

“You’re being inappropriate,” I gasped. “My father is right there.”

“If I slide my hand under your dress right now, will I find you wet, Miss Romano?”

Sweet hell.

Killian was tormenting me and he was enjoying it – if I were to say so by that smirk on his face.

He spun me around once, before dragging me back into him, our bodies colliding together. “Do you touch yourself at night?”

My eyes widened and I gaped. “What?” I sputtered.

“Answer the question, Princess.”

My thighs clenched, involuntarily. The ache between them grew more intense and I felt strangely so… empty. “Yes. S-sometimes.”

“Hmm. How do you think it’ll feel if instead of your fingers, I touch you there?”

Holy shit. Flustered, I stumbled and stepped on his foot. An apology spilled past my lips and I prayed that no one had noticed my mishap. “Uh, now?” I croaked.

My body burned at the vivid image he had painted for me.

His voice had deepened when he spoke again. “Now.”

Killian’s eyes darted around the room, almost lazily, but I could see that he was trying to check if my father was watching or not. Once he realized that we were no longer the center of attention, he grasped my hand and practically dragged me away.

We quickly sneaked out of the banquet hall and into a lonely corridor. Killian pulled me behind a pillar, so we were completely out of sight and our figures were hidden in the shadows.

I gasped, my chest heaving. The air crackled with thick tension between us and I licked my dry lips. “If anyone sees us together, like this…”

I left my sentence hanging.

It was more complicated than that. If I were truly betrothed to him, this wouldn’t have been such a big issue. But the fact that he was, in reality, engaged to my sister… if anyone were to see us together, it would be a scandal.

And my father – oh God.

“Do you trust me?” Killian questioned in a low tone, a raspy voice.

“You know I do.”

“Then you should know that I will never put you in the middle of a scandal,” he said. “I will never let anyone question your virtue, especially not your father. You’re mine, Grace. Mine to cherish. And mine to protect.”

He pressed into me, caging me between the wall and his solid body. “If I were to slide my hand under your dress right now, would you let me? Would you let me feel just how warm and wet you are for me? How needy you are?”

My throat suddenly felt parched. His hand brushed against my thigh, over the dress, before he slid his palm under the split. Skin to skin.

“Tell me, Princess.”

My head bobbed with a sharp nod. “Yes.”

“Yes, what?” he questioned; his voice deceptively calm.

Flustered, I released a shuddering breath before speaking. “Yes… touch me.”

His lips whispered along my jaw and I threw my head back with a soft whimper. My fingers curled around the back of his neck, holding him against me. He kissed and nibbled down the column of my throat and along the length of my collarbone.

Maybe it was the idea of something forbidden…

Something dirty, for Killian to be touching me like this, behind a pillar.

Maybe it was the idea of possibly getting caught or someone finding us, in such a compromised position…

Even though it made me anxious, it also turned me on.

His hand trailed along my thigh, before circling around my knee. A shaky breath rattled from my chest when he lifted my leg up, forcing me to hook my thigh around his hips. In this position, it left me vulnerable and open to his slow teasing and torturous caresses.

I can’t breathe…

I wanted Killian – no – I needed him, but it felt like I was about to combust in his embrace. My body felt overly sensitive to his touches. How could I be so aroused by just Killian’s voice and such simple caresses? He hadn’t even truly touch me yet.

Was it even possible to want someone this much? With such intense need?

He pulled his head back and his dark gaze met mine.

A quiver ran down my body when his hand snaked under my dress and his fingers teased my slit through my silk panties. Killian hissed when he found me wet, the fabric of my panties sticking to my flesh like a second skin and my arousal coating the inside of my thighs. “Princess, you’re soaked and I’ve barely even touched you.”

Sweet hell. What was he doing to me? How could he have such control over my body?

I burned with need for Killian. He pressed into me, his erection digging into my hips and my lips parted, with a barely audible gasp.

Slowly, almost like he wanted to tease me, Killian tugged my panties aside. His knuckles brushed against my wet folds and I flinched before a slight moan spilled from my lips.

His finger teased my opening and my core clenched. I could feel just how sticky my wetness was as Killian masterfully played me under my dress.

His caress was deliberately slow as he traced my wet folds, parting my lower lips and seeking my clit. His eyes never wavered from mine as he took my hardened nub between his forefinger and thumb and he pinched the sensitive bundle of nerves.

My lips parted with a silent scream and my back bowed, my hips bucking against his cruel hand. “Oh,” I gasped, before biting down on my lips – hard.

It hurt.

But… Oh God.

It hurt so good.

The pain mixed with forbidden pleasure and I whimpered.

His thumb circled my clit, as if to soothe the sting away, and I liked it. Liked the way his touch felt on my sensitive flesh. Liked how he knew where to touch me, in the way that made me mad with desire.

My nipples puckered tightly through my dress and they ached, while my whole body throbbed.

Killian slowly pushed a single digit inside my tight core, my inner walls clenching around it. He didn’t shove all of his finger inside me. Only halfway past his first knuckle. Almost like he just wanted to know how it’d feel to be inside me.

I tensed against him when he pulled out and I moaned impatiently. His lips twitched with a half-smile before he used two fingers to rub my clit.

“K- Killian.” Like a wanton woman in need, I choked out his name in a moan, before I quickly captured my lips between my teeth.

My eyes widened when I heard whispers and more voices in the corridor. They were far-away, but my heart practically hammered in my chest, almost like it was trying to break through the confines of my rib cage.

Someone was coming.

Not just one person.

I could hear more than three different voices mingling together.

Thud. My heartbeat echoed in my ears.

Killian didn’t pull away.

In fact, he showed no reaction except…

His eyes flashed with something dark – with lust and mischief.

Thud. Thud.

His thumb worked my oversensitive clit, switching between pinching and caressing before rubbing his two fingers between my folds. He traced my slit, gathering more of my sticky arousal.

I could feel… no, I could hear just how wet I was. The sound of his fingers working my sex was filthy and…

“My, my. The idea of getting caught with my hand under your dress just made you even wetter. You like the idea of exhibitionism, Princess?” he rasped, his teeth grazing my ear. His thumb circled my clit faster, like he was desperate to force me over the edge.

The sound of footsteps and the voices grew closer.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

My hips bucked into his hand, grinding and trying to chase my orgasm.

He nipped my earlobe again and I responded with a sharp hiss.

“Uhh.” Another whimper spilled from my lips, this time louder. Killian slapped a hand over my mouth, smothering my moans. My eyes fluttered close as the tingles coursing through my body grew more intense.

My legs quivered and I clenched my thigh around Killian’s hips. His erection dug harder into my hips, warm and hard. I almost worried he’d leave me with a bruise tomorrow.

“There’s a deviant, filthy woman hiding under all that proper and respectful ruse,” Killian growled in a low voice, the sound rumbling from his wide chest. “And she’s all mine.”

Killian shifted his body so that he was fully standing in front of me, pushing me against the wall. My fingers clawed at his shoulders, feeling the strength of his muscles under his tuxedo. It was then I realized that he was hiding me.

Killian was much taller and bigger than me, so his body was the perfect cover. And with us hidden in the shadows… even if someone were to walk up on us, they would only see the back of him. And if they were to recognize Killian, they wouldn’t be able to see who he was with.

My hips bucked into his hand as a wave rolled through my body, intense and acute. Powerful and all-consuming.

In the back of my mind, I heard the voices and footsteps fading away, heading farther from our hiding spot. But that was before my brain completely shut down.

The only thing I could hear was the sound of my heartbeat in my ears as I tensed into Killian’s arms. My climax bubbled in my blood, before crashing through me like a hurricane. His hand muffled my choked, desperate moan.

I shattered.

Thud.

The pieces of me scattered on the floor.

Thud. Thud.

I quivered with the aftershocks of my climax.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Killian pulled his hand from under my dress. While I was utterly transfixed by the sight of his brutally handsome face, his hand fell away from my mouth before he brushed his wet fingers over my swollen lips.

“Suck.” It was one simple command, his voice gravelly and low.

My lips parted and he pushed his two fingers into my mouth. I sucked, like he had commanded me to. The taste of me was musky and strange, but it was the utter filthiness of this situation that made my core clench again.

As if one climax wasn’t enough.

As if my body wanted more.

My tongue swirled around his fingers before he pulled away with a low snarl. Like he had snapped.

His mouth landed on mine, hard and bruising. He didn’t just kiss me.

He devoured me, like a mad man. Like an obsessed man who had been denied this kiss for far too long. His tongue meeting mine in an erotic dance had me whimpering into his mouth.

His hand curled around my neck, his fingers brushing over the pulsing veins in my throat.

The kiss consumed me.

Suffocated me. Confused me.

My mind had been utterly captivated by this man. Who kissed like a brutal savage, who touched like a soft lover and who loved like a gentle beast.

I had come undone in his arms and I didn’t know how to go back to the old Julianna. The one before she knew what it felt like to be touched by Killian Spencer.

I exhaled a shuddering breath into his mouth as I whispered his name, and he swallowed my moan. Killian licked my lips and the inside of my mouth, as if to taste the remnant of me, of my lust.

When he finally pulled away, our chest heaved as we shuddered with an inhale – almost desperate for our next breath.

Our eyes met.

Thud.

He grinned.

Thud. Thud.

“Happy engagement to us, Miss Romano.”

Thud. Thud. Thud.

My lungs squeezed as we silently put ourselves together again.

Killian trailed a finger along the curve of my throat. “I can’t wait to start our life together.”

My heart withered, like a wilting rose.

I opened my mouth to tell him the truth.

It was on the tip of my tongue.

I craved to be without the burden of guilt once again. I hungered for the weight to be lifted off my chest. The truth tasted almost sweet.

“Killian–”

“Gracelynn.” My head snapped toward the direction of my sister’s voice.

Her eyes darted between Killian and I. “We have to go. Uh, can we leave… early? My stomach… um, is hurting.”

I blinked. “Oh, yes. Right.”

My sister grasped my elbow, practically dragging me away from Killian. “Dad was looking for Killian. And then he noticed you were missing too,” she hissed under her breath. “So, I told him you weren’t feeling well, so we’re leaving the party early.”

I nodded along, not really paying attention to what she was saying. I looked over my shoulder and found Killian still standing there. Bringing my hand up for a quick wave, I mouthed, “Sorry.”

My apology was more than this – being dragged away from him or leaving our engagement party so early and so quickly.

My apology was for my bitter lies and cruel secrets.