A Vow Of Hate by Lylah James

CHAPTER NINETEEN

 

THE PAST

 

Julianna

 

 

I sat on my bed, wringing my hands on my lap while my sister paced back and forth.

“Julianna,” she hissed through clenched teeth. Her forehead creased with tension lines, and I worried that the stress wouldn’t be good for her and the baby.

Four hour ago, her pregnancy test came back positive. My sister was pregnant, and the way she had collapsed in horror, I knew this wasn’t planned.

After the shock had worn off, I realized just how much more complicated the situation had become. And it was time to tell Gracelynn the truth.

About my forbidden affair… with the man she was betrothed to.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. For the fourth time. But my apologies weren’t going to fix this situation. I couldn’t go back and change the past. And as much as I hated to admit it, I didn’t want to undo my lies.

As bitter as my lies were – I found peace within them. I found Killian.

“Do you realize what you’ve done?”

I nodded, voicelessly. I wanted to defend myself, but I couldn’t find the words to do so. Gracelynn speared me with a dark look before she resumed going back and forth, her fists clenched at her sides. Her pacing was making me dizzy.

My left leg jerked, barely noticeable, but I felt the muscle spasm. My fingertips tingled and I worried that this could be one of my symptoms for an oncoming seizure. God, I hoped not. I haven’t had a seizure in almost four months. This was my longest streak.

“Dad is going to blow a fuse,” she warned.

“You’re not interested in Killian, anyway. You’re in love with Simon,” I muttered, as if that excused what I had done.

“Yes, but I am betrothed to Killian! You – oh for Pete’s sake. This is a mess! How did you even fool him?”

“I didn’t fool him,” I cried. “That was never my intention. When I introduced myself as Gracelynn, I never expected to see him again. But then, it was like something kept pulling me to him. I tried to stop, Gracelynn. Trust me, I tried.”

“You didn’t try hard enough,” she accused. “You don’t realize just how dangerous your lies are.”

“It’s more than that. We, uh…kissed.”

“What? When?” she growled.

“Two weeks ago… and there have been a lot more kisses since then.”

She rubbed a hand over her face, an exasperated sound rumbling from her throat. “How long has this been going on? When did you and Killian start – whatever it is you started?”

“About two months,” I whispered.

Gracelynn gasped. “Two months! And you’re just telling me this now?”

“I was scared!” I cried.

“Scared of me?”

I blinked, appalled she’d think such a thing. “What – no! I just wanted… I didn’t want it to end. I was, am scared of losing Killian.”

My sister and I had always been very close and the only reason I told her the truth was because I trusted her. Gracelynn would never betray me. Especially when it came to my happiness.

Her expression turned forlorn, almost like she pitied me. “You’ve lost him anyway when you started this relationship based on a lie.”

“You don’t understand,” I whispered, my voice breaking.

Gracelynn came closer, kneeling in front of me. She grasped my hands in hers, squeezing. There was tenderness in her gaze, almost motherly. “Then make me understand, Jules. Tell me what’s in your head. I need to know.”

I remembered the first time I saw Killian, when I thought he was a simple stableman. A man with no status. And now, I wished he really was. It would have made it so much easier to love him.

And I did. Love him.

I didn’t know when it happened or how it happened. It was painful loving someone from afar, in the shadows – in secret, while knowing your love was never to be. From the beginning.

I let a secret love kindle within me, knowing full well it could never be returned. But when it was reciprocated, I realized just how dangerous it was. Just how cruel fate could be.

Killian Spencer was everything I could ever need – the Prince Charming I had dreamed of when I was a little girl – but he was nothing I could ever have.

Still, I loved him.

And I wanted to defy the odds to have him.

For once, I wanted to be selfish.

“Killian,” I started, swallowing. “No one ever sees me for who I am, but with Killian, he makes me feel important and heard. I feel seen for the first time in my life, Gracelynn. Wanted and desired. He understands me, the woman behind Julianna Romano.”

I squeezed Gracelynn’s hand, remembering the day I told him about my accident and my fear of horses. How he neither judged, nor looked at me like I was someone insignificant.

While my father sought to trap me, Killian simply wanted me to let go of my fear. To live. To feel.

“Killian doesn’t see me as a weakness or treat me like I’m fragile. He doesn’t look at me as if I lack something and I don’t feel incomplete with him. Or that my existence is wrong and futile. Because Killian sees me for who I am and that’s enough. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Gracelynn sighed, her brows furrowing. “Oh, Julianna.”

“I fear losing that. Him. The feeling he gives me. The emotions he evokes in me. I don’t want to lose that, Gracelynn,” I confessed, my deepest fear pouring into my words.

“Yes, but our father – I am the woman Killian is meant to marry,” my sister said, deeply troubled. “In fact, Killian thinks he’s marrying Gracelynn, the eldest daughter of Bishop Romano.”

Even though my sister wasn’t in love with Killian, she would never disappoint our father. She’d go ahead with this marriage, even if it meant losing the man she loved.

She was selfless.

And I was selfish.

My heart seized in my chest. The mere thought of my sister and Killian together made me sick. I imagined his lips on hers and bitter jealous crawled up my body, digging itself deep into the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t bear it – to watch him hold Gracelynn as tenderly as he held me.

I knew that eventually Killian would fall in love with my sister. It was bound to happen. Gracelynn was beautiful, smart, selfless, understanding… everything Killian Spencer needed in a wife. Someone who would rule by his side – his Queen. His equal.

My stomach hollowed and I fought the urge to retch.

“But he’s been courting me,” I whispered. “He’s mine.”

“Killian is not an object, sister.”

“I know that,” I hissed.

When I tried to pull my hand away, Gracelynn held fast. Our eyes locked and she held my gaze with utter seriousness. “He needs to know the truth, so he can make his choice.”

“I can’t,” I choked, my chest tightening in a way that hurt. “He’ll hate me.”

My sister shook her head, solemnly. “He’ll find out either way. Soon enough. But he needs to hear it from you than someone else.”

“You don’t even want to marry him,” I said, lamely. “You’re pregnant with Simon’s child and I know abortion is not an option for you. How unfair is that to Killian if you marry him?”

That made Gracelynn pause. She cocked her head to the side, her brows furrowing thoughtfully. “You’re right. I don’t want to marry Killian. I think… we might have a solution to our problems.”

I straightened at that, hope blooming in my chest like a fragile rose. “What do you mean?”

Gracelynn had been in love with Simon for three years. He was her bodyguard in France. They spent every breathing moment together – of course, it was bound to happen. Simon was everything my sister wanted in a man.

And I knew their love was true. I saw it in Simon’s eyes. The way his gaze tracked my sister, so carefully, so tenderly whenever they were in the same room together.

I noticed his mischievous grin and her hidden smile.

The look of longing and the little stolen touches.

Their love was never meant to be, like my own with Killian.

But fate – oh how cruel it was. Destiny brought two men into our lives. Men we couldn’t have, yet we had succumbed to their charms. Such forbidden love was a tragedy in the making.

Gracelynn’s gaze met mine. “What?” I breathed, my heart galloping.

“I think I have a plan.”

I curled my arm around Killian’s waist, pressing my face into his neck. My nose brushed along his throat and I inhaled his musky and earthy scent. “My father would blow a fuse if he were to see us like this, alone,” I whispered.

Killian worked through my thick tresses with expert fingers. My lips twitched with a knowing smile. “You do this on purpose,” he accused, softly. “I used to hate strawberries, but now I find myself eating them more often because they remind me of you.”

I swooned. For the third time in my life.

All three times had to do with Killian Spencer.

Once my tresses had come undone, he made a sound of approval in the back of his throat and my smile widened. Killian raked his fingers through my blonde hair, curling a strand around his finger. “You’re my wife-to-be. Your father can’t stop me from seeing you.”

“Yes, but he specifically said we needed a chaperone,” I said. “He’s old-fashioned like that.”

“Fuck that.” Killian rolled over, dragging me under his body and pushing my back into the blanket. He hovered over me. “We were seeing each other before we were even betrothed. If I hadn’t defiled you then, I promise to protect your virtue now. I mean, apart from some stolen kisses and touches…”

We were both still fully clothed, but his warmth seeped through our many layers and I could feel it on my skin. “Oh please, don’t ever say that in front of my father.”

Killian gave me his signature crooked grin. “It’s our secret,” he breathed.

“Our secret,” I whispered.

Little does he know…

My eyes darted to the dark sky, just in time to catch what we had been waiting for. “Look!” I whisper-yelled, excitement coursing through my body. “The first shooting star. Oh my, it’s beautiful.”

“Hmm.”

I pushed at his shoulders. “Killian, look!”

“I am,” he rasped, before leaning down and claiming my lips.

Oh.

His body covered mine, arms wrapped around me like a vise. Chest to chest. Hips to hips. My thighs caged between his strong ones. I could feel the length of his body on mine, every inch of him. Strong and warm.

His lips were soft on mine, demanding. I opened for him, without any resistance, and his tongue slid against my own. Tasting me. Licking and devouring me, like a starving lover.

My eyes fluttered closed.

Killian groaned, the vibration rumbling through my body. My chest tightened and my belly pooled with warmth. There seemed to be an insistent pulse between the juncture of my thighs, aching and almost fevered.

God, I hungered for Killian.

The kiss deepened, and when he nipped on my lower lip, almost teasingly – I whimpered while he laved the sting with his tongue. His lips left my mouth, trailing along my jaw and down my neck. His kisses whispered over my throat and the hollow of my collarbone.

My body was aflame and I burned, with such fevered need.

When Killian started to pull away, leaving me empty and suddenly cold without his tender caress, I opened my eyes. His dark gaze was already on my face. “I’m not sure if you’re an angel or a she-devil, you temptress,” he muttered.

“Why can’t I be both?”

His lips quirked with a half-smile. “I approve.”

Killian rolled over, taking me with him, so that I was half-lying on top of his body. His arm curled around my hips, anchoring me to him. My gaze darted up to the dark sky again, finding another fiery shooting star.

I wondered if this counted as a date.

Killian and I had found another place for us to meet on my father’s estate, other than the stables. It was lovely spot atop of a hill. When I found there would be a meteor shower tonight, I had asked Killian if he wanted to watch it with me. He had already agreed before I even finished my sentence.

So, here we were.

Laying on a blanket, curled in each other’s embrace. On top of a hill, under the midnight sky. Watching a meteor shower.

It started with two lonely shooting stars.

Before, soon enough, the dark sky became alight with bright neon stardust, raining down into a shower of shooting stars. So many at once – fiery and mesmerizing.

The night sky became alive.

My heart thudded at the sight of it. I had never seen something so magical.

I couldn’t tear my eyes away until the meteor shower came to a slow end, leaving only a few shooting stars in the midnight sky.

Killian’s fingers trailed along the curve of my back. “Do you miss your mom?”

I blinked at the randomness of the question. “Um, she died when I was very young, so I barely remember her. The only memory I have of my mom, and it’s so vivid, is her brushing my hair. I guess, I miss having a mother.”

Folding my arms over his wide chest, I rested my chin on my hands. My eyes roved his handsome, slightly stubbled face. “Are you close to your mother? You’ve never mentioned her before.”

“My parents,” Killian swallowed, his chest rattling with a sharp exhale. “It was an arranged marriage. I was fourteen when I found out my parents weren’t in love. In fact, they despised each other.”

“Oh.” That was harsh. I didn’t know much about my own parents’ marriage, but I heard it was marriage of love. Well, at least – my father was in love, or so he told us. He said it was love at first sight. And he instantly knew my mother was the woman for him.

“I walked in on my mother,” Killian sighed, his brows furrowed. “I found her in bed with another man, the very same bed she was supposed to share with my father. Two months later, I realized my father was a cheater too. They slept with other people during their marriage, never faithful to each other. Their marriage was a farce.”

My fingers brushed his cheek, feeling his rough stubble under my fingertips. I placed a chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth. I didn’t know why I did it, but it was almost instinctual. “I’m sorry about your parents.”

Our eyes locked and I saw what I needed to see in his dark gaze. Longing.

“When I was sixteen, they finally got a divorce. It was a scandal and the tabloids turned it into an ugly warfare, but my mother didn’t care. That night she left for France with her new beau and in the last ten years, she’s had about four new lovers. She’s living her best life, traveling the world with the money my father deposits in her bank account every month.”

How cruel. My mom died when I was too young to remember her. While Killian’s was still alive, but he was also without a mother.

My chest tightened, my heart aching at his words. “You’re not close to your mother.”

He shook his head. “Not at all; she wasn’t mother material. My father raised me. I’m not particularly close to him, but we get along.”

Killian was silent for a moment, before he rolled over until we were both lying on our sides. Chest to chest, hips to hips, face to face.

Our bodies were aligned and his fingers curled around my hip. “I want my marriage to be full of love and laughter, Grace. I don’t want something fake or a ruse to fool the public. I want something real.”

My heart squeezed and I bit my tongue until the taste of the copper tang of blood filled my mouth. It was almost like Killian knew. But he couldn’t. If he was still calling me Grace, he didn’t know my truth.

And that was the moment I could have undone my lies.

I wanted to scream that I was Julianna, but I only bit on my tongue harder, until it bled more. It wasn’t fair to him, not when he was practically begging me for something real.

The back of my eyes burned and I blinked the tears away. God, the pain. It hurt. The pressure on my chest grew heavier, more intense. It felt like thorny vines had wrapped themselves around my heart, crushing me. My skin crawled with the bitterness of my lies. My body recoiled with how ugly my secrets were.

“I know we’re basically already betrothed. Our fathers have finalized this arranged marriage, but I want to make it official with you.” Killian spoke, his voice strong and confident.

He brought my left hand to his lips and my eyes widened at the sight of the ring. When did he – Oh God.

“When you were looking at the shooting stars,” he answered my silent question.

I stared at the ring, a cushion-cut halo diamond ring. It wasn’t too big or too fancy; it was perfect. Killian had chosen a ring that suited me and my preferences.

“Marry me, Gracelynn,” he rasped.

“Are you… asking me or telling me?” I stuttered.

He grinned. “I don’t want to ask because I fear you’ll say no and I’m the mad bastard who doesn’t want to give you that choice, but fuck it, I’ll do it the proper way. The proposal you deserve, Princess.”

Killian nipped the tip of my finger, almost teasingly. Before he licked the sting away, his tongue laving over the burn. The tension between my legs was back again, intense and aching. His dark gaze glinted with mischief, as if he knew the effect he had on my body.

“Will you marry me?” he asked. “Spend the rest of your life with me? I don’t want something fake. I want a real marriage. Love and obsession. Laughter and tears. I want all the ugly and the beautiful that comes with a marriage. Can you give me that, Grace?”

I nodded my head, voicelessly.

Killian’s eyes flared with adoration.

His lips touched mine.

And my heart withered.

I was a deceitful woman.