Now Or Never by Stella Rhys

33

HOLLAND

I knewplenty about The Victorian Hotel after spending two nights here with Iain, but I didn’t know anything about its bar until Mia forced me to Google it while she tore apart her closet.

Apparently, it had a reputation for debauchery with its hot tubs and infinity pools, and for that reason, I wound up going with flat shoes, because drunk or not, Adam’s friends were rowdy and I wasn’t going to risk it with water everywhere.

“Well, we’re going to have to go sexier if you refuse to wear heels,” Mia had said when I insisted on my trusty white sneakers.

Which was why I was now going up the elevator at the hotel in a hip-hugging cami dress. It was tight with spaghetti straps, and I wasn’t sure if it was taupe or light brown but it looked good against my fresh tan.

And it had the type of comfy built-in bra that I loved.

The same type that Iain found insufficient.

I had that thought in mind when I put my hair up in a ponytail at the top of my head, which I could feel whipping around right now as I looked all over the bar to find Adam and Iain.

The place was packed, teeming with men in dress shirts, women in their sexiest summer outfits and booty-shorted bottle girls weaving through the groups of friends and sections of tables.

It wasn’t till I heard a familiarly raucous round of laughter that I turned and looked at the back corner of the terrace, where I saw the group.

Finally.

They were in a semi-shrouded area right next to the pool with plants and greenery providing privacy. But from where I was, I could see Adam in a light blue button-up with his neatly styled brown hair, looking his usual deceptively clean-cut and all-American despite being a warpath of walking chaos. As I got closer, I could tell it was the typical scene: him being the center of attention, making some impassioned-but-probably-not-that-serious declarative point to an eye-rolling A.J, who clearly disagreed, while everyone sat around watching, laughing and chiming in.

But from across the roof, I couldn’t make out everyone—in particular, Iain or the girl I’d seen in A.J’s video, so I paced faster toward them, grateful for my sneakers as they brought me quickly through the crowd to that area.

I was three tables away when I finally spotted him.

Iain.

Still next to her.

My steady heartbeat was back to racing and I could feel the hurt and fury in my eyes as I took him in.

He sat close to her on the low white couch that circled the table of magnums and mixers stuck in a big tub of ice. His muscled chest and thighs were on display as he leaned back in his seat, wearing a white V-neck T-shirt and dark wash jeans, which somehow made me that much more livid, because aside from the fact that he looked outrageously good, I never got to see him dressing casual—which was my favorite or him—and it was just another reminder of the day we were supposed to be having right now.

The birthday weekend I’d planned.

Which he wanted to have. Which he insisted we have. As recently as this morning, I reminded myself, so I couldn’t get mad at that.

What I could get mad at, however, was the way that woman kept touching his leg when she laughed.

The way he let her. He was still talking to his friend, so he wasn’t looking at her, but he certainly wasn’t trying to remove her hand as she let it linger for longer and longer with every touch.

My heart was pounding, my blood rushing in my ears by the time I got to the table.

Because by now, the woman was fully resting her hand on Iain’s leg, just above his knee.

And he seemed perfectly happy to let her.

Seriously—what the fuck?

In my fury, it was all I could think. All I had in my brain. But as I stepped into anyone’s eye line, I forced myself to take a page from Iain’s book and put on my best poker face, putting on a placid smile, acting cool and collected despite the fact that under my chest, my heart was screaming at him.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. That’s not little Hollie Bear, is it?”

The question came to my left from a grinning Caleb Weston, who I remembered from my FaceTimes with Adam, because he was Adam’s law school roommate before Adam bailed to take the last bedroom at Iain’s house.

I took the excuse to recoil at the nickname because I desperately needed something to react to that wasn’t Iain.

“That’s not even a real nickname, Caleb. Adam called me that like, once to piss me off,” I snorted.

And with that, I’d alerted everyone to my presence.

“Hey! Look who it is!” Adam announced, holding his arms up and prompting everyone to cheer loudly.

I laughed and gave a wave to everyone, doing my best to look natural, unfazed despite the fact I was barely breathing under my smile, because to my right, in the very corner of my vision, Iain was watching me.

He even had the gall to give two claps for my arrival, as if he was really just one of the guys here. Like everyone else.

What in the actual hell are you doing?

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I willed him to feel my question. Meanwhile to my left, Caleb lifted both his eyebrows and his hands in surrender.

“Alright, alright. No Hollie Bear. Damn. Already off on the wrong foot,” he laughed before I went to hug Adam then A.J, quietly praying for them to give me a distraction, more material to fake normal with.

And thankfully, it came right as A.J greeted me with a big smile, telling me how pretty I looked and giving me a hug, her arms still wrapped around me as she said, “Your brother threw my phone in the pool

I pulled back. “What?” I said as I looked at Adam.

“What?” he said with that deceivingly boyish grin he didn’t deserve. “It’s waterproof.”

“Adam. Why did you do that?” I asked. And though I was genuinely curious, I was mostly using this conversation as a front. A way to look normal despite the fact that I felt burning hot all over my face right now, because from my peripherals, I could see the brunette leaning into Iain, murmuring something in his ear.

While he still looked at me.

Good. Keep looking, I simmered while doing a stellar job of reacting accordingly to Adam’s attempt at justifying his actions, citing an alleged “no phones” rule and the fact that A.J had been on hers every second of the night.

“Texting my fiance,” she argued.

“Even worse.”

“He has the flu, Adam.”

Adam grinned at me. “Yeah, he came down with it right when he heard that we were going to The Terrace tonight. Is the flu also why he got mad that you were wearing heels tonight?” He flicked his eyes down A.J’s front and I tried to ignore the palpable sexual tension as I winced at her.

“Did he really?”

She groaned. “Okay, I promise that Caspar and I are working on his very stupid, fragile ego, but his shortcomings are irrelevant to the current argument, which is that Adam should get my phone from the pool. Not me.”

“I agree. Go get her phone, Adam,” I said.

He gestured at his probably-expensive shirt. “Can’t,” he said, making a shucks face, like it was just out of his hands.

But then he volunteered one of his friends who was wearing a T-shirt, and suddenly, everyone was raucously debating, throwing each other under the bus for fun and roasting each other’s style while trying to figure out who was wearing the least expensive outfit.

Which was the perfect time for me to turn my attention to Iain.

And when I did, my pulse jumped and started beating in my clenching teeth, because for God’s sake, he was in the middle of checking me out.

But it was like it wasn’t even him anymore.

Stoic and unsmiling, he sat partially reclined in his seat, looking infuriatingly calm, relaxed for a man who was openly welcoming the advances of another woman while gazing shamelessly at the tits of the one he was supposed to be with.

The one he’d been pleading to be with this morning.

I really don’t give a fuck Holland let’s just go

They’ll survive if I’m gone this weekend

I just want to be with you

I stared, warding off the sudden feelings of heartache and hurt trying to claw their way through my fury.

What the hell happened to you since?I wanted to demand as Iain brought his cold eyes back to me, lingering on my mouth for a second before settling with nonchalance on my burning stare.

It blazed so hot I could practically hear the crackling of the flames.

But I forced myself to snap into a cheerful mood when one of the guys came up to me.

“Drink for you, sweetie?” he asked, nodding at the bucket of bottles.

I blinked a few times to let myself transition to my normal voice.

“Oh, sure,” I smiled, delighting in the way this guy was grinning at me, because while I didn’t know his name, I already knew his intentions.

And I knew Iain was watching.

So maybe I’d go ahead and play dirty.

“What can I mix for you?” he asked.

“Oh, umm.” I tilted my head to look at the selection, eyeing Iain for a swift second and enjoying his hot, rapt stare on me before I brought my gaze back to Adam’s friend. “Anything with tequila is good,” I said.

“Tequila girl? Damn, I wouldn’t have guessed.” He raised his eyebrows and took the excuse to look me up and down. “Or I don’t know. Maybe I should’ve,” he smiled just as a tanned forearm lowered itself between us like a security gate.

And when we turned, we saw Adam standing there, staring down his extended arm as he made a sound like the wrong answer buzzer on a game show. Then he looked up at his friend. “Love you Sully, but fuck right off, pal,” he said with a big grin that turned into an even bigger laugh as Sully muttered goddammit and indeed fucked right off with a sheepish smile.

Which I probably would’ve laughed at under normal circumstances, but considering my currently enraging predicament, all I could do was cut my eyes to brother.

“Really, Adam?” I said under my breath, arms crossed as he held his out and kept smiling that Adam smile.

“I’m sorry, okay? I promise I’m not trying to become one of those overprotective brothers. It’s just these animals are only here for the weekend, and—you know what?” Holding his drink up, he turned to the group. “Here’s an announcement, ‘cause my beautiful sister is here tonight, and I think everyone needs to hear this, alright?” he said, easily getting the amused attention of the group and already making me want to shrivel up into a ball. “If you’re here tonight, you’re my good friend, which means I vouch for your character, which also means that any one of you is welcome to take my sister to many dinners and treat her like the absolute goddamned queen she is,” he said, looking to A.J, who nodded approvingly, since she clearly taught him that phrase. “But let’s be real, you filthy bastards are only here for the next thirty-six hours, so if you’re flirtin’ up Hollie Bear tonight, it’s for reasons I’ll kick your fuckin’ ass for, and if I’m too drunk to do that—because let’s be honest, I’m getting there—you know damned well who’s gonna do it for me,” he warned, setting off a chorus of laughter and whistling that acknowledged what a stone-cold badass A.J was. “And as you can see, you don’t want to test this one tonight,” he said, shooting that boyish grin of his at A.J, who was doing her best not to smile because she was definitely still mad about her phone. “So long story short,” he clapped my shoulder, “don’t fucking try it. Alright? As you were.”

Great.

Now that I was thoroughly cock-blocked, I had no options or form of retribution for tonight, which meant I was going to have to play this more aggressively than I thought.

So I went to mix myself a drink, letting Iain watch me walk over to the table and bend over right in front of where he sat. I knew he was thrown off because he stared hard then tore his eyes off of me, finally looking away to answer the brunette’s question.

“Sometimes, but not always,” he said, making me wonder what she asked.

Making me wonder if she was Camila.

“Mm. What about next week?” she asked.

I clenched my teeth as I poured the tequila in my cup.

“You want me to get that for you?” Caleb asked since it was a heavy bottle.

“I got it, thanks,” I smiled, and when Caleb sat back down behind me, I peered up to see Iain staring at him, all but confirming Caleb’s eyes on my ass.

I was still fuming as satisfaction seeped through me, and once I was done mixing my drink, I stood up straight, smiling brightly right at Iain.

“Hey! Iain. I meant to ask you some questions about that fellowship program you told me about,” I said, playing the kid sister card since whatever bullshit I just said certainly sounded like something I would ask Iain Thorn if I were just some younger girl and he were just some older, wiser friend of her brother’s.

Iain stared at me, in no rush to speak. But when he did, all he asked was, “Come again?”

You prick.

“I just have some questions,” I shrugged, taking a sip of my drink and then making a face down at my cup. “I think I need to order something sweeter at the bar. Will you come with me?”

At worst, I looked like a little girl with a crush, and at this point, I just didn’t care.

I was so livid my breaths were trembling in my throat as I paced ahead of Iain to the bar, every inch of my skin on fire as I felt him stalking behind me.

There was no room at the counter, so once I got to the very end, I turned around, forcing myself to withstand the blow of how good he looked up close in that T-shirt, and hitting him right away with eyes that represented everything I was feeling right now.

Anger. Bewilderment. Hurt.

As he stood a foot away, just looking down at me, I ran my stare all over the cotton stretched over his shoulders and chest. Looked him up and down as if to make sure it was him before I settled on the only question I could think of.

“What are you doing, Iain?”

He swallowed. Wet his lips and looked away for a second. I was sure he’d have an answer by the time he looked back, but he didn’t. All he did was look at me. And he didn’t even look sorry about it.

“What happened after your last text to me?” I asked, refusing to let him do this again. To be that version of Iain. Silent. Closed off. Giving nothing away. “You still wanted me this morning, but then suddenly, something happened. And considering you were with my brother at the time, I guess what I should ask instead is what he said to make you act the way you’re acting right now.”

Iain didn’t move as someone bumped into him. He didn’t so much as blink as he kept his eyes locked on me.

“He made me realize that I made a bad judgment call,” he finally said.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means I made a mistake, Holland,” Iain said tersely. “That I got swept up. That I should’ve known better. It’s on me.”

“Don’t,” I said fast, shaking my head. “Don’t play the big brother card right now. It’s just you and me right now, and I’m not stupid. You know that, I know that, and we both know this is bullshit, so stop wasting our time and tell me the truth. What is going through your head right now?”

I didn’t take my eyes off of him, but I could see his chest move as he took in a deep breath.

“That this was never going to work, Holland.”

I ignored the steep drop of my heart to shoot daggers.

“Why not?” I demanded. And when he didn’t answer right away, I said fuck it. “Is it Camila?”

I practically rejoiced at the sign of life when Iain actually frowned—deeply too.

“What are you talking about?”

“Who is that woman at the table?” I asked. “The one you’ve been sitting with all night.”

His upper lip curled. “She’s one of your brother’s many friends, Holland, who I don’t give a single fuck about.”

“Then why are you with her and ignoring me? Knowingly hurting me?” I demanded, keeping my eyes pinned on him even as the crowd jostled me. “We both know this isn’t you, so don’t be a coward and just tell me what’s behind this sudden change of heart!”

“It’s not a change of heart, Holland,” Iain growled, close now as the crowd swelled around the bar. “It’s what I knew from the beginning. That I’m not the one for you. That this is wrong.”

“How so, Iain? Because no one gives a shit,” I argued. “Adam said it himself! He wouldn’t care if—”

“If I was dating you, Holland, not fucking you,” Iain hissed so harshly I reared back like he’d raised his hand against me.

In the silence that followed, I glared in awe at him, feeling my heart twist violently inside my chest.

“And that’s what you’ve been doing, right?” I asked softly. Furiously. “Just fucking me?”

He only stared, saying nothing. His eyes were cold and his jaw was tight, and when another few seconds passed without a word from him, I went off.

“For the record,” I enunciated, my voice trembling as I forced the tears away from my eyes. “I was ready to let you go. I was ready to move on because you were busy and a mystery, and I couldn’t trust you not to just disappear again. But then you came looking for me. You showed up at my apartment. You said you cared about me, and you acted like you needed me. You told me just this morning that all you wanted was to be with me, and if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t be standing here right now looking at you like you’re a fucking asshole, and asking you what the hell your fucking problem is.”

Emotion choked my last word before I could get it out fully, and I hated the idea of crying in any form in front of Iain right now, especially when I’d yet to get an answer, so I forced myself to calm back down. Forced my voice to relax before I spoke again.

“Tell me why you can’t be with me,” I asked evenly.

“Because I can’t afford to feel the things I feel around you,” he replied.

“Like what?” I seethed. “Good? Passionate? Actually interested?”

“Yes.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t.”

“Not an answer. Why not?” I repeated fiercely.

“Because, Holland,” Iain growled, making my heart leap into my throat as he got suddenly right in my face. “Because when I feel good,” he muttered hotly, his stare piercing into me as I backed into the wall, “and I mean genuinely fucking fired up, and passionate, and fulfilled,” he murmured. “I hurt people. And I don’t mean I break their hearts, I hurt people physically. I ruin their lives. I leave a trail of fucking chaos, because the things I crave aren’t good, and you know that. You remember what I was like back then. You saw us coming back fucked up every night. Bloodied. Bruised. You knew your dad bailed Adam out of jail. That Speed Demon wasn’t just some funny thing with no consequences. We hurt people, and you weren’t so young that you couldn’t understand all that,” he hissed. “You were just so hell-bent on seeing something good behind it. But it wasn’t there and it still isn’t. I’ve just gotten really good at pretending.”

Teeth clenched, I stared back, refusing to look as daunted as I was.

“So, what? You can’t be with me because I’m just so good and pure and you’re just the total opposite?” I said scornfully once he stood again at a normal distance, his shoulders still tight, the fire still burning in his eyes.

“There’s nothing here for you, Holland,” he said simply. “I’m not the person you think I am. I’m not good. That’s not innately me.”

“I think you’re wrong,” I fought him.

“I don’t care,” he said cruelly, holding his stare to ensure I knew that he meant what he said. “It doesn’t matter what you think.”

The tears were burning in my eyes now as I stood there in shock, my chest feeling raw like my splintered heart was scraping my insides.

I didn’t even remember turning around. Walking away.

All I remembered was pacing back toward everyone, refusing to let myself cry.

I wasn’t going to do that.

I was just going to get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. This awfulness crawling all over me.

It was seeping into my skin by the time I got back to the table where everyone was still happy, still laughing, still fake-arguing about who was going to get the stupid phone.

So taking a big swig of my drink, I slammed my cup down.

“You know what? I’ll get it,” I said, hearing a few of the guys say “what?” as I turned and went. Then came the sound of moving chairs, everyone standing up to watch me kick off my shoes and walk over to the pool, never breaking my stride before I jumped in.

Plunging deep.

Submerged myself in the cold.

And as I closed my eyes, I reveled in the peace and quiet. The way my tears weren’t tears here but just water. The sounds above me were muted and for a few seconds, that was just what I needed.

But when my heart finally stopped pounding, I kicked my way to A.J’s phone. I waded a little deeper down to grab it, and then I burst to the surface to the shattering volume of Adam’s friends cheering. Hooting and hollering. Making a scene.

It was one I would never normally survive—something Adam would incite and enjoy, not me.

But I just didn’t care right now.

“Holy shit, babe,” Caleb said, his eyes lit like Christmas lights as he appeared at the side of the pool to help me get out.

I said nothing as I took his hand and let him hoist me out of the water.

“Jesus. You’re gonna get me in trouble tonight, aren’t you?” he muttered, shaking his head as he stared at my dress.

It clung to me like a second skin as I walked with him back to the table, giving myself a three-second-long glance at Iain who stood paused a few tables down.

Staring.

Livid.

I could see the rise and fall of his chest from where I was at the edge of the pool, his fury so dark I could barely enjoy it.

Because this wasn’t like the other times.

It wasn’t playful torment. A little game. It was real.

Actual pain that hurt to the bone.

“Oh my goodness, Holland, you did not have to do that!” A.J gasped, throwing her arms around me after I handed over her phone. “Poor thing, there’s a breeze right now. Adam—get her a towel!” she called down to my brother, who was already going off somewhere to find me a towel. And when he came back with what didn’t look like a towel, she groaned to the skies and ran off to get a “real” one.

And unsurprisingly, Adam went with her, leaving me alone with his grinning, laughing friends.

But no Iain.

I didn’t know where he was and he didn’t come back for ten minutes.

Maybe he had left. Forced himself not to care.

The thought alone hurt me almost as much as his words had before.

It doesn’t matter what you think.

He knew it would hurt me when he said it.

But he had no idea just how much.

It was hurting me so much right now that I’d do anything to forget it. To erase it from my brain.

I can’t be here right now,I realized.

So without waiting for Adam and A.J to come back, I slipped away from the group.

I just had to go.

To just get out of this place. To not have to think of those words.

It doesn’t matter what you think.

I was already scared of having them play on repeat in my head all night. Having them be the last thing I heard before I went to sleep. So when Caleb found me at the elevators, I didn’t completely ignore him like I did when I got out of the pool. I didn’t smile, but I returned his gaze as he gave me a laugh.

“Kind of hard to Irish goodbye when you leave a trail of water everywhere you go,” he said before he furrowed his brow. “You okay?”

I stared blankly at him. “Yeah. I just want to get home,” I said. “Had a long day at the beach.”

“I get that,” he nodded, quiet for a few seconds. Then he gave my wet body the once over before taking off his blazer. “Any chance you need an escort?”