Now Or Never by Stella Rhys

37

IAIN

“Ah, fucking hell, man.”

Adam threw his napkin down as he sat across from Holland and me at our sidewalk table for lunch.

I’d spent the morning trying to figure out how I wanted to tell him about the fact that I was seeing his sister, but when Holland saw a second’s worth of a frown on my face as we headed to the restaurant, she said, “I got this.”

Which meant her sitting down at the table, letting me sit next to her, then saying to Adam, “So, we’re a thing.”

And that was it.

“What’s he so upset about now?” A.J snorted as she came back from the bathroom.

Seemingly, the answer was he’s not taking it well that Holland and I are together.

But instead of saying that, Adam heaved a sigh, took out his wallet and handed A.J a twenty.

Holland burst out laughing. “You knew?” she asked A.J, who gave a cocky toss of her dark ponytail over her shoulder.

“Suspected it early,” she said before turning her eyes to me. “I mean the whole buying her a bed thing was a little suspicious, Thorn. But you got the benefit of the doubt because I was swamped. But then the other day at the bar, I just felt it. And had I been there in person to see you guys earlier, I’d have known even faster because this energy?” she pointed back and forth between us. “Palpable as fuck.”

I had to laugh even if it meant I wasn’t as slick as I thought, and later in the meal, when I snuck inside to pay the bill before Adam, he found me and clapped his hand on my shoulder.

And though I expected his usual jokes, all he had for me was a quiet, close-lipped smile that was so obviously emotional that I had to give him shit.

Or at least try, but then he said, “Stop. Just… let me have this fuckin’ moment, okay? Because if I had to pick anyone in the world for her, it would be you in a heartbeat,” he said, humbling me so fast I couldn’t even crack a teasing grin anymore. “You were the one who taught me how to be a better brother for her. You always looked out for her from the start, and I’m not even sure who’s luckier. You or her.”

His hand was still on my shoulder as I broke into a smile as I nodded. “I appreciate it, man.”

“I’m sure I’m supposed to give you the customary ‘if you hurt her, I’ll kill you’ speech, but I’m pretty sure that’s yours to give,” Adam said, making me laugh. “So, you guys going off on the secret birthday adventure today?”

“Yep.”

He grinned. “Dude. This girl hasn’t been anywhere in the world except our shitty hometown in Jersey and the lower half of Manhattan, and she only got her driver’s license two years ago. You’re really going to trust her to drive you to some mystery location?”

“You bet. If she wants it, she gets it. I’m not even going to ask questions at this point,” I said, making him laugh and joke about how I was already whipped. And though I easily roasted him right back, it didn’t take away from what I’d just said, especially as I caught Holland’s eye through the front window of the restaurant.

A piece of her blonde hair blew in the breeze as she smiled at me, warming my entire soul and affirming what I knew in my heart as fact now.

That I would do anything for this girl.

And there was nowhere in the world I wouldn’t go for her.

* * *

Hiking.

That was apparently what Holland had in mind for my birthday surprise, and I wasn’t complaining.

But I was definitely perplexed.

And amused.

“Okay, but don’t you understand that hiking is never just hiking? It always serves a purpose, Iain,” she teased—teasing me in every way possible, actually, considering the fact that she was climbing ahead of me in these spandex-looking training shorts that made me want to spank her ass and fuck her right in these woods.

“I know, I know. There’s always a view of some sort at the top,” I said, though I had to wonder what kind of view we were going to get in this random area about an hour-and-a-half outside the city.

But as we traversed another twenty minutes up a steep incline of grass, dirt sticks and trees, I felt a natural rush in my veins. My blood start to pump. And when we got a little farther and I heard the unexpected sound of water, Holland turned to me with a bright smile for the look of realization on my face.

“It’s not just a view,” she said, taking my hand and leading me up the rest of the way up till I was grinning wide because suddenly the woods opened up and there was open sky above us and a waterfall ahead.

It was a little hidden oasis surrounded my trees, with more than a few big, flat stones the perfect height above the open water.

Including the thirty-odd-foot one we were standing on now.

“Like I said, it’s not just a view, it’s a cliff,” Holland smirked as we stood together a few feet from the edge. “And what you’re going to do is jump off… and I don’t mean that you have to backflip like you used to,” she laughed, making me great into a big grin. “But you have to just jump so you can feel the thrill and know it’s okay. That you can do the things you want and have the things you love. And you’re still going to be the same person after. You’re still going to be as good and perfect as you’ve always been.”

I had to breathe out disbelief. Complete awe of her.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Holland,” I said genuinely, making her lips curve up.

“I do,” she said.

I smiled. “What?”

“You gave me the fighting chance to be happy,” she said.

And when I frowned in confusion at her, she looked briefly down at our joined hands before looking back up at me.

“It wasn’t as easy as you think,” she said. “Getting past all the things that happened to me in high school. I know it seems like I can be all rainbows and sunshine sometimes with my gratitude journals and my vision boards and my breathing exercises,” she laughed softly, so fucking beautiful when she smiled. “But all that happened way later, Iain. And none of it would have even had a chance to work if I went through with it.”

A knot formed in my throat as I squeezed her hands.

“Went through with what?” I frowned.

She took in a deep breath, taking a second to squint down at the sun reflecting over the water

“It might sound stupid, because I was a teenager,” she started quietly. “But I really felt like I was suffering for awhile. There was a period where it hurt too much. I lost all my friends overnight. I had to watch them parade around the halls without me. I sat alone for everything. Teachers, even the principal hated me. The way I looked at my mom was the way everyone looked at me. No one would go near me. I wasn’t invited anywhere. I’d known Kelsey and her family since I was six years old and she wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I tried to say hi to her mom at school and she looked away. Everywhere I went, I had to wear my mom’s shame, and I knew my mom wasn’t going to let me dorm at college, so it felt like there was no end in sight. I felt like I was suffocating.”

My heart hammered in my chest as I squeezed her hands tight. “What did you do?” I asked.

“I didn’t even know I started thinking about it. I didn’t realize. I knew I was sad, but I thought I was Googling things out of morbid curiosity. Maybe because I heard a story on the news. I didn’t think I’d ever do anything myself.”

My heart rioted inside me as I thought of Holland when she was that age.

Hurting alone. Hurting that much.

It made me want so badly to go back in time and find her. To wrap my arms around her the way I was doing right now.

“I think I’d spent probably months hoarding pills from my Grandma’s purse. I’d just take a few every time she came over. Which was messed up because she loved me and she used to try to defend me,” she said into my chest, her hand curled next to her lips as I held her tight against me. “You and Adam just started working at Engelman. You were too busy to come home that winter. I hadn’t seen you in three months, and June felt like forever away, so I just… picked a day to do it. And that was it. But then you called.

“You called to talk to my dad first. But then he handed his phone to me without my mom knowing. You asked me if you could try to fly me out to L.A to celebrate Adam’s birthday.” She laughed at the memory, nestling her head against my chest. “And I said that would never happen. Right away. I think I asked you what you were thinking too, which might’ve been the meanest I ever was to you. And you laughed and you said it was worth a shot, because it would be a great surprise for Adam. You said he was upset he didn’t get to see me for Christmas. And then you asked me about school. And then we hung up.”

My words would barely come out when I tried to speak.

“I remember,” I whispered.

I just didn’t know what it had meant.

“It was the first time you and I spoke on the phone. The first time I ever pictured myself on a plane. Or being in L.A. I visualized palm trees. Venice Beach. All that jazz. You said ‘we’ll try next year’ and it made me think about next year. It made me think that there might be things ahead of me. Others firsts to look forward to. Which is why I still write all my firsts down in my gratitude journal,” she said, looking up at me with a little grin. “I know it was nothing on your end but it was everything to me. And it wouldn’t have been if you were just some random friend of Adam’s who called. It was because you were you. Because I trusted you, and because you meant the world to me.”

Surrounded by water, standing over the edge, I brought her face close to mine, kissing her softly, letting my forehead rest gently on hers as she spoke again.

“I don’t think you realize that I’ve loved you since I was a little girl,” she whispered right against my lips, making my heart swell so full I thought it could it burst. “And it wasn’t just the crush, Iain, it was because you were my one saving grace. You were the best person I knew. Even before I fell into my dark place. Even before you pulled me out. You were always there for me. Like no one else ever was. And it hurt when you left, but I never stopped being grateful for what you did for me. So do you believe me now?”

I looked at her. “Believe what?” I murmured.

“That you’re a good person,” she answered, running her thumbs over my hands. “You deserve happiness more than anyone I know, because you gave me my shot at mine. And now that I have my happiness, I’m going to do whatever I can to help you find yours.”

All I could do was look at her for a moment. Stunned. Amazed. So fucking overwhelmed by my adoration.

“I have it right here, Holland,” I said.

And the little smile she gave me after was all I needed—for this birthday, the next, and all the others that followed.

“You ready then?” she asked.

I nodded, pulling her close to kiss her deeply, sweeping my tongue against hers before I peeled her her tank top up over her head. Our mouths found each other again as she tugged at my sweats, and when we were finally down to our underwear, we broke away and stood before each other with our eyes dancing in excitement.

I took the plunge first.

Then she followed.

One free fall after the other.

And when she burst up to the surface with the biggest smile, I couldn’t help but mirror it, laughing as my blood rushed and my heart pounded. Adrenaline surged through me as I pulled her close, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing her through all the words I couldn’t hold in anymore.

“I love you, Holland. I’ve loved you for a long time now. And I’m never going to stop.”