The Not-Outcast by Tijan

50

Cheyenne

Iwasn’t nervous.

I was nervous.

Not freaking out.

I was freaking out.

Okay…on the outside, I looked calm and chill. I was too-cool Cheyenne again.

My insides: I’m the Home Alone dude running around with his arms in the air.

Cut had dropped me off at Come Our Way since he was heading in a little earlier to the rink. Reba lived only a block away, so she said she’d drive my car back for me. And once she came in, we had no time to talk. Dean insisted on a staff meeting. I was guessing my veiled threat filtered through because he made sure we were all okay with what would be happening that day.

Basically, we needed to get everyone cleared out an entire hour earlier, which was going to piss off the regular guys. This was a whole hour argument between Dean and everyone. Everyone included myself, Reba, and Boomer. Gail was rumored to be coming in, too, and when he heard that, Dean backed down. He was scared of Gail, but it wouldn’t push into the time when people would be arriving.

It’s clearly on the invite that people can start arriving at six, but no one arrives to an event at six in the evening. Reba promised that she’d have the volunteers start cleaning the room, but no one would be pushed out an hour earlier.

After that, Dean had catering coming in, and they’d start setting up around six thirty. Boomer was asked to have appetizers on hand to cover those thirty minutes, which Boomer said was fine.

The meeting was ended with Dean asking, “Anything else?”

I felt Reba and Boomer’s gaze on me, and I felt them because I was firmly looking down at my phone. No. Dean didn’t need to know about Cut, about Deek, about Chad (if he showed or not), or— Wait, I had something.

“Yes.”

Dean turned to me, his irritation clear. I’d been pushing back on a whole ton more than I usually did. “Yes, Cheyenne?”

“Sasha and Melanie are coming.”

“They’re not—”

“They’re coming.” No arguments, dickhead.

He heard the unspoken message from my tone and said, “They’re coming, I guess. Anyone else?”

I was back to my own internal monologue. Dean didn’t need to know about Natalie, or Hunter, or… I was running out of anyone else I personally knew who could be coming that Dean didn’t need to know about.

“We’re good to get back to our regular jobs now?”

Reba was the best at sarcasm. She even had a head tilt, and her eyes were bulging out with that comment.

Dean read the room and glowered back at us. “This is for Come Our Way. The funding we can get from tonight could finance us for another five years. I’m not doing this as a personal—”

“Bullshit.”

That was Boomer, and Reba and I were suddenly more interested in the conversation.

He added, “You’re doing this because you want to rub elbows with the high and mighty from the city. Come Our Way has never done it this way before. We’ve never needed to do that, and we’re your excuse, so don’t lie to us. Lie to yourself, fine, but not us.” And with that, Boomer stood up and left the building.

He didn’t actually leave the building.

I was being dramatic. He only went to the kitchen.

Reba and I shared a look before we both scrambled, not wanting to be around for the aftershocks. We’d gone three steps before Dean’s door was slammed shut.

Reba followed me into my office, dropping into one of my chairs as I went to close the door. “How you doing, chickadee?”

Chickadee. I liked that term, and I shrugged, booting up my computer. “I’m good.”

“You know what I’m talking about?”

I looked up, locking eyes with her. Yep, she knew.

I sat back with a soft sigh. “He was pretty great yesterday, wasn’t he?”

“I’d say so.” Her eyebrows were up, and she was giving the look of all looks. “Dean was stumbling over himself trying to impress your guy, but he only had eyes for you. Could tell he cares about you, a whole lot.”

“You could?”

Warmth started spreading through me.

“Sure could.” Her eyes narrowed and her head moved back a little. “Why am I getting a feeling like you’re not believing me?”

I shrugged, reaching forward for some paperwork. I didn’t want to have this conversation, and especially not with Reba. She’d be the Boomer to my Dean. “It’s just new and…”

“And what?”

“Nothing. It’s just new. That’s all.”

Her mouth pressed together, hard. Disapproving lines curved down around her lips. “My Mama Alert is blaring loud right now. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Child.”

I laughed. “I’m not far from thirty.”

“Come on, tell me what’s going on with you.”

“It’s nothing. I’m just…” My throat swelled. This was an old conversation by now. I was even tired of thinking about it. “It’s just insecurities. That’s all, and they’re dumb.”

“Honey.” Her tone was soft, but also knowing. She leaned forward. “Insecurities are never dumb. Everyone has insecurities, but not believing something or not letting yourself live your fullest life because of them is what is dumb. That guy I saw here yesterday cares a lot about you. Whatever your insecurities are, you don’t need to be listening to them. Got it? He’s a big-time athlete, but you’d never know unless you were told. You feel me on that? He’s a good guy and he’s smart, and he took one look at Dean, and I knew he had him figured out right away. I was impressed with him and the other cutie patootie. I might need to get me some hockey tickets, maybe when my girl comes back for a visit.” She sighed, shaking her head. “I don’t express it enough, but I look at you like a daughter. If you were my own daughter, I’d do nothing different.”

My throat swelled up.

I…never had that before.

“Now.” She stood up, coming around to me behind the desk. She took my face in her hands and gave me a big smacking kiss on the top of my head. “I was a bit more distracted by the delicious yumminess that had been here yesterday. You’re not the only one who’s got work to catch up on. I’ll see you later on?” She squeezed my shoulder lightly, giving a soft smile before she headed to the door. Her hand on the knob and she looked back at me. “You going to handle tonight okay?”

No.

I nodded. “I’ll be fine. Dean’s handling everything, so I’m not even really needed.”

“He might ask you to speak.”

I shook my head. “He won’t. This is his shining moment tonight.”

She snorted. “I guess. He might be an annoying, ambitious idiot, but he’s our annoying idiot. Right?”

I laughed. “Right.”

* * *

Me: I need reinforcements tonight.

Melanie: I’m in!

Melanie: What are we doing?

Sasha: Question, should I bring some of the girls with? Juna mentioned wanting to go for a drink.

Me: The charity gala is tonight at Come Our Way. You guys are my dates.

Sasha: Is that a no on Juna and the other girls, or a hell yes?

Melanie: I say hell yes, but I’m not the one calling for reinforcements.

Me: As much I’d love to say yes, I’m thinking no for tonight’s event.

Sasha: Cool.

Sasha: In.

Melanie: Ooh! Let’s arrive in style, in Matilda.

Me: Doors are opening at six, so come whenever.

Sasha: Time?

Melanie: Are you staying there, or leaving to get dressed?

Me: I hadn’t even thought about that.

Melanie: Can you step out for an hour? We can meet at your place and finish getting ready? Go together.

Me: That’s a plan. Meet at my place at 5?

Sasha: Cool.

Melanie: Fuck yeah.

I loved my family.

* * *

I was just startingto head out, grabbing my purse and shutting my computer down, when there was a knock on my office door.

“Yeah?”

The door opened, and one of the volunteers poked their head inside. “A lady is here asking to see you.”

“You know who?”

“She said her name was Natalie? She’s rich, that’s all I can tell you about her.”

Natalie?

But I nodded to the volunteer. “Yeah. Bring her in.”

They nodded, starting to leave.

“Hey.”

They poked their head back in.

I added, “Don’t let Dean see her.”

Another nod, and they were gone.

I checked my email quick, looking to see if Hunter had emailed me about anything with Natalie, but no. Our last emails were a running joke about a quokka. We’d moved on from koalas long ago. Now it was pretty much constant smiling quokka memes back and forth. So I had no idea why Natalie would be coming early, and why she’d ask to see me.

The door opened and there she was.

“Hello, Cheyenne.”

She looked different. I skimmed over her cardigan sweater, and she was wearing khaki pants, the kind that someone might wear playing golf, but she looked like she was glowing. More natural. Less makeup.

Her brown hair looked lighter, too, but her eyes were Hunter’s. Dark almond with specks of hazel and gold in them.

I felt a little kick because this was Hunter’s mother, and once upon a time, she hugged me and I felt nice afterwards. That’d been something that I hadn’t known I was missing until that hug from her. Donna never hugged me.

“You look younger than you did back then.”

“Oh.” Her eyes widened and her hand went to her chest. She’d been holding a small clutch in front of her, then she nodded to my office. “May I come in?”

“Yes.” I indicated one of the chairs. “Please.”

She gave me a small smile, one that seemed genuine, and I was having flashbacks to my mom’s funeral. That’d been the last time I saw Natalie, and she’d been so nice to me on that day.

“Thank you, and thank you for the compliment. That’s very kind of you.” She shut the door behind her, then sat into the chair with grace.

I almost laughed because no one sat down in those chairs with grace.

They plopped. They collapsed. They sank into them, but no one sat down as if they were easing into a tub of boiling or freezing water. And clutching a clutch in their lap as they did so, but this was a reminder of the world that I’d never been a part of, and a world that was coming here tonight.

“You must be wondering why I came to talk to you?”

“Kinda, but to be honest, I’ve already run through twenty different scenarios, and I’m noticing the different textures of your sweater. I could tell you how many steps you took to sit down, and how many steps it probably took you from the door and through the cafeteria room to here. Not to mention, all the smells and all the different voices I heard when the door opened for you.”

“I see.” A soft laugh. “So the same Cheyenne?”

“Hardly.” Because I was able to mute those thoughts and push them to the back, so they weren’t front and center. That’s not how I had been back then. “Is Hunter okay?”

She’d been tucking a strand of hair behind her ear at my question and she froze, her eyes latching onto mine. “Of course. Why wouldn’t he be?”

“Because he’s the only connection between you and me, and I figured I should ask to rule out that he’s fine so I’m not worrying about him until you do tell me why you came here early to talk to me.”

“Oh.” Another soft smile as she stared at her lap where she was resting the clutch. “I wanted to talk to you because my husband and I are coming tonight. I thought I might run into you, and I didn’t want any social awkwardness at all.”

“Right.” The thoughts were pushing at me, pushing to come forward. I knew that was because of Natalie’s presence. “Well, it was lovely to see you. I promise not to be awkward tonight at the event.”

“I—” Another frown appeared, this one creasing her forehead. “No. That’s not— I’m sorry. I’m not explaining myself at all, and I should just say it, right? Yes. I should.” Determination fared over her features, smoothing out the frown, making her eyes shine bright. “I came to apologize for how I treated you.”

She was struggling, closing her eyes and she let out a breath of air.

“I…” She choked off and had to cough. “Jon’s a good guy. He’s my new husband. I’m saying this to explain that being with him has made me a good woman, or a better woman. A better person. I—I wasn’t when I was with Deek. I’m sorry, but I’m imagining that if something happened to me, and Hunter had to go into someone else’s house and if he was treated how you were treated, I’d be heartbroken. Because of how I treated you.” She paused, her throat moving to swallow. “The person I am now looks back at the person I was then, at the mom I was then and I’m sorry.”

“That would never happen. About Hunter.” I didn’t want to talk about me, or Jon, or Deek. I didn’t care about any of that.

“I know. I’m just saying—”

I waved that off. “No, I mean that would never happen. Hunter’s adorable. And he’d be coming from a rich household. He’s an athlete. He’s good-looking. He has great social skills.”

She frowned. “Have you seen Hunter recently?”

“Social media. He hasn’t blocked me yet. Please don’t block me.”

She lowered her head, looking to the side before raising it back up. “You saw him at the hockey game.”

My breath hitched. “He told you?”

“He did, and I know that you two email each other. He let me know a long time ago, and that’s another thing I am apologizing for. I should’ve orchestrated more communication between you and your brother, and I didn’t. I did nothing. My husband,” She had to stop again, looking down at her clutch before sniffing and raising her gaze to mine. She wasn’t hiding the regret. It was bright and shining right on the edge. “He was worried for me. He wanted to reassure me, so he did it the way his world does these things. I didn’t realize the magnitude of my silence about you until he handed me a file the other day. He knew that Hunter saw you at the hockey game. Hunter talked about it at great lengths with both of us because he was upset with how Chad and Deek both acted toward you. He went so far as to say that if attitudes didn’t change, he’d not be seeing his half-brother or his father ever again. It was then that I realized that I was partially responsible for this.”

My throat was swelling up again. “He told Chad and Deek this, too?”

She nodded. “Not at the time, but he talked about it more with my husband and me, and he seemed as if he were coming to a decision. I know he has reached out to both and told them this decision, but that’s not why I’m here. I had been planning on reaching out before Hunter made that declaration, but also before we got the invitation for the event tonight. I—well, the mother in me is ashamed when I think about it. My husband has a heart condition, and we didn’t get good news the other week. I think that, more than anything else, hastened this meeting. Life is short, and we don’t know when we may lose people we love.”

My damn throat. It was still swelling, and I was someone who mostly lived in my head.

Her words were making me feel things.

“You mentioned a file?”

“Yes.” Her cheeks reddened. “That was the moment I realized how my nonaction was coming across. My husband grew alarmed when he noticed that I was never encouraging Hunter to reach out to his sister, so he hired a private investigator.”

A P.I.?

I knew these people used to think I was a criminal, but to actually hire an investigator?

Natalie kept on, “I was stunned, not what I read inside, but that he had hired someone to look into you. You have deserved nothing for how you have been treated. Your mother was very sick, and had been for a long time, but I didn’t look at you as a child needing love. I was scared. I didn’t think I could handle what you might be bringing into my home, and my instincts kicked in to protect Chad and Hunter. In all that time, I never thought that I was hurting a child needing help, that perhaps you had been brought to us for a reason. I turned my back on you, and I’m very sorry for that.”

This was a lot.

I was feeling itchy all over, and restless, and my thoughts were almost breaking my barrier. If that happened, I’d be flooded with so much stimulus and information that I’d have to call for a ride home. I wouldn’t be able to endure coming back for the evening.

I didn’t do my run this morning, or yoga.

I wanted to sleep another hour in Cut’s arms and I was kicking myself, but this—who could’ve been prepared for this to happen?

“It’s fine. I went to my uncle’s.”

“Cheyenne.” She scooted to the edge of her seat, leaning forward. She placed her hand on my desk. “You are a very kind and resilient young woman. You are intelligent. You are funny. You are caring. I can always tell when Hunter’s read one of your emails. His smile is bigger, and he laughs louder. He’s happier. You make him happier.” She looked down, closing her eyes for a beat. “And I read that file and I’m amazed at the things you’ve done, and this place, this place is amazing. You started this place. I’m very proud to say that you’re Hunter’s sister, and I’d love it if we could form a relationship moving forward? If that is something you'd be interested in?” She paused, sensing my unease, as she then said, “But I will understand if the past is too painful for you. Either way, I want to apologize, and I am hoping that you and Hunter can do more things together. He really adores you.”

My forehead was itching.

I kept rubbing at it, over and over again.

This didn’t happen to people like me.

People like me, we were messed up and we were scorned, and we were judged. We knew our place. I knew my place. Cut had been chipping at that wall, but her being here, apologizing, saying all these things to me, and I was struggling with my brain getting away from me.

“Cheyenne?”

Panic was rising up in me, taking over, clogging my veins. It was moving into my throat. It was going to close up my throat and I wouldn’t be able to breathe.

“You need to go. Now.” My ears were starting to pound.

I couldn’t distinguish my own voice or the normal volume.

I might’ve been yelling for all I knew. “Now. You gotta go.”

“Cheyenne.” She pushed up from her chair and was coming around to my side. “What is it? What did I say—”

The door was pushed open, and Reba was there. “What’s going on in here?”

“I—” Natalie’s voice broke. I think that was her? I couldn’t tell.

My skin was crawling. I felt like there were ticks everywhere and I needed to wash them off of me.

“I was trying to apologize for something.”

“Apologize?” Reba pushed her way in my office, shutting the door behind her. “For what? Who are you? How do you know Cheyenne?”

My head was pounding. I reached for my phone, dropping it a few times, and I managed a text to Cut. He’d be done with his practice for the day.

Me: I need you. Come Our Way.

Natalie was speaking over my head, “...Hunter is my son. I only had the best intentions. I swear. I didn’t mean to upset her in any way. I’m trying to make up for the past.”

“Cheyenne. Honey.” Reba was at my side.

Natalie had moved so she was behind the chairs.

When had that happened?

Reba was looking at my phone. “You need me to call someone?”

“Cut—Cut is coming.”

I stuttered. I couldn’t talk now?

“You’re having a panic attack?” Natalie was asking me, sounding panicked herself.

No shit. I hated these things. Another thing wrong with me, Natalie.

Natalie wouldn’t want me around Hunter now, now that she was seeing this. She’d take back all the nice and wonderful things she said.

Horror clamped down on me, stifling me.

“Okay.” Reba’s take-charge voice was coming out. “It was really nice that you came and apologized to Cheyenne, but as you can see, I think you triggered some old anxiety in her.”

“I don’t want to leave her like this. I feel awful.”

“Ma’am, I think it’s best if you go. Cheyenne is kind and forgiving. I feel comfortable enough to speak for her that she’s already feeling worse about this than you do. She’ll reach out. Give her some time.”

My phone buzzed back.

Cut: Outside. I was already close.

Me: Coming out. Stay there.

I showed Reba the phone and she helped me shut everything down. The computer. I needed my keys. My purse.

Natalie watched us, standing back, with her hand to her throat. “I feel so bad. I’m so sorry, Cheyenne. I didn't mean for any of this to happen.”

I was fucked in the head. What’d she think would happen?

But I couldn’t talk. It was taking so much of my energy to focus and make sure I had everything before I left. Reba went to the door, a hand behind Natalie to urge her out. Their heads were bent together, and I knew Reba was smoothing things over for me.

I grabbed my phone and was locking my office door when I heard Dean’s voice.

“Mrs. Carroews! Hello. Are you early for the event tonight?”

I beat a hasty escape, going to the back door and hoping Cut would go back there. It’s where he dropped me off, and as soon I was out the door, I was so grateful to see him.

He took one look at me and hit his AC on full blast. Sometimes focusing on that helped settle me.

I shut my door, and he didn’t say a word. He was driving down the side alley that led from our back parking lot to the street, and he paused before turning.

I looked up.

Natalie was right there. With Dean. They were coming out from the front door.

They saw me, then Cut turned toward them. He was focused on the street, so he didn’t see them.

They saw him.