Not Pretending Anymore by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 21
Molly
My father’s advice had rung through my mind ever since I’d left him. I’d told Will I was going to give him a decision tonight, but was that really necessary? Why did we need to rush things? If I wasn’t sure, I most definitely needed to do as Dad said—take more time before making a commitment.
Looking in the mirror, I unbuttoned the top of my blouse and pulled it aside. The mark Declan had left on my neck was still there. I would have to cover it up with makeup before my date. The hickey would be one of many things I’d have to deal with before tonight. I didn’t feel ready to face Will without talking to Declan one more time.
Declan had texted that he was coming home from work and hoped to catch me. I wondered if he wanted to talk about what happened between us on Monday.
On the surface, that kiss seemed like a simple goodbye gesture, a gratuitous opportunity to take advantage of the situation. But the way he’d kissed me told a different story. It was desperate and full of passion and unlike any kiss I’d ever experienced. And it left me feeling more confused than I had before.
I thought about the conversation I’d had with Dad. There was more than one way to hurt someone. If I was going to commit to a man, I needed to be certain I wouldn’t be thinking of another. At this point, I didn’t see how my telling Will yes could automatically turn off my feelings for Declan. How would I feel if the tables were turned—if Will agreed to be my boyfriend, yet held complicated feelings for another woman? I would hate it.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. I stayed in my room, anticipating that Declan would come find me.
A minute later, through the mirror, I saw him standing in my doorway. His melancholy expression, though, was not what I was expecting.
I turned to face him. “What’s wrong, Declan?”
He plopped on my bed, lying flat on his back and scrubbing over his face. “I don’t know how to say this.”
My heart sank as I walked over to sit on the edge of the bed. “What’s going on?”
My mind raced. Is he going to tell me he has feelings for me? Did our kiss change things? Did something happen with Julia? What he actually said, though, was far worse.
“I have to leave Chicago, Mollz.”
“What? Did something hap—”
“I’m being reassigned to an account in Wisconsin. The guy running it left our company, and my boss needs someone there ASAP to take over. He wants it to be me or Julia, and he left me in charge of deciding who goes.”
Him or Julia?
My heart pounded. “So why isn’t she going?”
He shut his eyes briefly. “Julia can barely handle Chicago. She does nothing but complain about how much she misses California. This assignment is in the middle of nowhere. I’m pretty sure those two months would kill her.”
“You’re leaving?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I have to, Mollz. But it’s the last thing I want.”
“I can’t believe this. I always knew your time here was limited, but I feel like we just got robbed.”
“Me, too. I’ve been really down all day. Once I told Ken I’d do it, I fell into a horrible funk.” He sat up so he was right next to me. “There’s a little silver lining, I guess. Depending on when things wrap up there, I might be coming back to finish off the Chicago gig before I have to head back to California.”
That gave me a glimmer of hope. “So you might be back?”
“I’m not sure how it’s going to play out, but that’s a definite possibility. I did talk to my boss about the company covering my rent here for the remainder of the time I’d committed to. I didn’t want to put you out. He agreed to reimburse me for it.” Declan placed a piece of my hair behind my ear. “Can you keep my room here open? That way I know I’ll have a place to stay when I come back.”
It still felt surreal. “Of course, Declan. Of course.”
He shook his head as he stared down at my bedspread. “This is shitty timing—literally kissing and running.” He looked up at me and flashed a crooked smile that made my heart ache. Then he took my hand in his. It was an innocent gesture, but it made me warm all over.
I looked down at our entwined hands. “No matter how confused we might be, Declan, you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I hope we don’t lose touch, because the thought of that makes me so very sad.”
He squeezed my hand. “I promise to stay in touch, Molly. I would love that.”
“You’ve helped get me through a really tough time in my life. Your friendship, your breakfasts for dinner, your smile...” I grinned. “I’ve felt more alive since you’ve moved in than I have in years.”
He studied my face. Maybe that was a little much to admit.
“This sucks,” he muttered.
The room fell silent.
“When do you have to leave?” I asked.
“He wants me out there by the beginning of next week.”
I did the math. I was off for the next three days but had to work Saturday through Monday. That meant I only had a couple of days to see him before he left.
I wanted to cry. “That’s so soon.”
He frowned. “I know.”
“What about you and Julia? Where does this leave that relationship?”
He shrugged. “In limbo, I guess—but that’s not far from where it already is. I think the distance will be good for us. I’m glad we hadn’t made any kind of commitment before this happened.”
Declan would surely want to be free to date whomever he pleased in Wisconsin. The thought of that made me nauseous, once again reminding me of my feelings for him.
“I wish I could say ‘fuck the job’ and stay. I really do. I love it here, and no part of me is ready to leave.” He exhaled. “I’ve come so damn far with this company, and if I pushed back on this, it would make me seem like I wasn’t a team player. It would hurt my chances of promotion.”
“I totally get it. Now is the time in your life to work hard so you can play later.”
He let go of my hand and laid back down, staring at the ceiling. “My need for success is deeply rooted. My parents are very old-fashioned—particularly my father. I grew up being told I needed to be successful because I’m a man, whereas they were fine with my sisters just marrying and settling down. The ironic thing is, my sisters all excel in their careers. But even so, my father has always put added pressure on me because I’m the only boy. I disappointed him when I chose not to go to law school like he wanted, so I’ve tried so damn hard to show him I can make my mark in an industry of my own choosing, not the one he chose for me.”
“Your dad is a lawyer?”
“Yeah. I never told you that?”
“No.”
“Yep. So he wanted me to follow in his footsteps, but it never felt right. When I finally decided to go into marketing, I promised I would prove myself to him, prove that I could carve out my own success.”
“You talk so much about your sisters, but you don’t talk much about your parents.”
“It’s a bit of a sore spot. But it’s also what motivates me.”
“I get it.”
He looked over at me and smiled. “You have a way about you that makes me want to share things I don’t normally talk about. I’m gonna miss talking to you—in person. I promise we’ll keep talking.”
“I’m gonna hold you to that.”
He nodded. “You’re still going out with Will tonight, right?”
I sighed. This news about Declan leaving threw a wrench into my plans to talk about my conflicted feelings with him this evening. “Yeah. I’m supposed to meet him at his place.”
“And you’re gonna answer his little proposal?”
I hesitated. “I don’t know.”
“I have a confession…” he said.
“Alright…”
He sat up again to face me. “That kiss... I don’t regret it. Not for a second. It was an asshole thing to do, though. You’d just told me you’d made a decision you felt good about, and I went a little caveman, because I was feeling jealous.”
I smiled and let him continue.
“I didn’t have a right to toy with you like that. And I’m sorry.”
“I don’t regret the kiss,” I immediately said. “Maybe I do regret letting you suck on my neck so hard, because now I have to wear this shirt buttoned all the way up tonight. I look like a nun.” I unbuttoned the top two buttons and pulled the material back to show him the bruise. “No offense with the nun comment.”
“None taken.” Declan ran his finger along my skin. “Shit.”
The brush of his fingertip made me shiver.
“But damn, I do like seeing it on you. Sorry not sorry. Is it wrong that I kind of want Dr. Dick to see it?” he asked. “It’s like I’ve brainwashed myself into thinking the competition we created between me and him is real.”
If only he realized how real it had been for me all along. All I wanted to do tonight was hang out with Declan because our time was so limited.
I’d almost suggested canceling my date when Declan said, “Go have fun tonight. Don’t let my news about leaving get you down. Order the most expensive fucking thing on the menu. Get a little tipsy—but not too drunk. And go with your gut, Molly. If you don’t feel like you’re ready, don’t tell him anything tonight. You don’t owe anyone an answer on any timeline.”
“That’s the same advice my dad gave me.” I smiled.
“Well, great minds, then.”
***
I didn’t end up having dinner with Will after all. He was called in for an emergency at the hospital and had to cancel at the last minute. That was a relief—which had made me question my feelings all over again. I’d gone back home and found Declan out, so I’d used the quiet to think about things some more. I’d decided that in order to really assess how I felt about moving forward with Will, I needed Declan to be gone. It wasn’t fair to make a decision right now when all I could think about was him leaving.
Anyway, Will and I had rescheduled our dinner to lunch this afternoon. We were meeting at a place near my apartment, which made me feel a lot more comfortable than the dinner at his place we’d originally planned. So far, we’d only shared a few kisses on the nights we’d had dates, but the natural progression of a physical relationship was looming, and I didn’t want that pressure before I had my head screwed on straight.
It was Friday morning. Declan was at work, but we had planned to hang out tonight, since it was my last evening off for a few days. He’d be leaving on Monday.
When I went out to the kitchen, I noticed a single pink M&M on the countertop along with a note.
Mollz, I realized that before I leave I should probably give you back your pink M&Ms. But I’ve decided to leave them around the apartment in various spots so when I’m gone you’ll think of me and smile whenever you find them. It’ll be like I’m still here. (Not.) This is your first one. I hope you have a good day. See you tonight.
