Not Pretending Anymore by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 19
Molly
“I was going to ask how things were going with you and Dr. Daniels.” Daisy lifted her chin, pointing to my neck. “But I can see they’re going pretty well.” She chuckled.
We’d been making up a bed together for an incoming patient, and my scrub top had pulled to the side. I looked down but couldn’t see what she was referring to.
“What?”
She laughed. “You have a red mark—a hickey right on your collarbone.”
My eyes widened, and I ran to the en suite bathroom to look in the mirror. Sure enough, I had a love bite. Declan must have done it earlier, and I’d had no idea. I straightened my top, and thankfully, it covered the mark again. But then it hit me that Will could have noticed it, rather than Daisy, and that made me feel sick.
What the hell was I doing? I’d been crazy about Will for a long time, yet I’d struggled to make the decision to be exclusive with him. And then I finally made the choice to go for it, and less than forty-eight hours before I’m going to commit to him, I’m sucking face with Declan and getting a hickey.
Why would I have done that if the choice I’d made was the right one? I felt more confused than ever.
Overwhelmed, my emotions got the best of me, and tears welled in my eyes. Great. Just great. Now I’m going to have swollen eyes, a red nose, and another man’s mouth marks on my body. I felt like a horrible person—as if I’d done something traitorous, even though I hadn’t yet told Will we could be exclusive. I tried to sniffle back the tears, but a crushing sadness seeped into my chest, and apparently crying was the way it needed to come out. Fat tears rolled down my face, no matter how hard I tried to stop them.
Since I hadn’t shut the bathroom door, Daisy thought nothing of walking in.
“Molly, do you know where the—”
She took one look at my face and froze. Clearly, she had no idea what to do. We were friendly, but it wasn’t like I told her my problems. She seemed torn between coddling me and running out of the bathroom to get as far away from me as she could. “Are you…okay?”
I sniffled. “I just need a few minutes.”
“Sure, of course. Do you…want me to stay? Is there something you want to talk about?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m sorry. It’s just been a long day. I’ll be out in five.”
“Don’t be silly. Take all the time you need. I’ll cover the desk for as long as it takes. It’s quiet right now, anyway.”
“Thanks, Daisy.”
***
The next morning, I wasn’t ready to go home after my shift ended. I hadn’t been to see my dad in a few days, so after texting Kayla to make sure it was okay, I picked up some bagels and headed to their house.
“Hey, Dad.” I leaned down and kissed his cheek when I arrived. He had a home oxygen system set up now, but the plastic face mask was hanging on the back of the kitchen chair he sat in. I fingered it. “Umm… This works best when it’s on, believe it or not.”
Dad shook his head. “Wiseass. You sound like Kayla. I’m drinking my coffee. I feel fine.”
Every time I came to see him, he looked a little worse. Being a nurse, I was used to seeing sick patients deteriorate, but Dad’s decline was not the norm. The difference between small cell and non-small cell cancers was really staggering. It was almost as if we were watching the rapid spread on the inside happen on the outside, too.
I put the bag of bagels on the table. “I brought your favorite.”
He smiled. “Oh yeah? You remember my favorite?”
“Of course I do. Salt—the more of it, the better. Probably not the best thing to bring you, considering what it can do to your blood pressure.”
My father waved me off. “That’s the least of my worries.”
I dug into the bag. “I’ll make it for you. Cream cheese or butter?”
“Butter, please.”
Kayla came down from upstairs while I was making Dad’s breakfast. We said hello, and she walked over to Dad and kissed him on the forehead. “I’m going to run some errands.”
“Okay, dear.”
“I’ll be back in about an hour. Can you stay that long, Molly?”
My father answered for me with a grumble. “I don’t need a babysitter.”
She rolled her eyes. Clearly this wasn’t the first time he’d given her a hard time about this. “Of course you don’t. But the doctor said you need rest, at least until your blood count is back to normal. So it makes me feel better to know someone is around in case you feel dizzy again.”
“Doctors just cover their asses.”
I chuckled. “I guess you should know.”
After Kayla left, my father and I ate breakfast. We made small talk, and I’d thought I was doing a good job hiding the turmoil I felt inside. But after he finished eating, he leaned back in his chair and squinted at me.
“Are you worried about me, or is something else going on?”
My brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”
He looked down at my hands. “You pick at the cuticle on your thumbs when you’re nervous.”
I totally did, but I didn’t realize my dad knew that. I tucked my thumb into a fist to stop myself and sighed. “It was just a long night.”
“A delivery gone wrong?”
I shook my head. “No, nothing like that.”
“Okay…”
Dad waited. I didn’t want him to think my issue was because of him. I mean, of course that was always in the back of my mind, but that wasn’t what he was seeing on my face today. So I thought it might be best to put his mind at ease.
“It’s a…a man problem.”
Dad sipped his coffee. “Okay. Well, believe it or not, I am one of those, so lay it on me.”
It was hard to explain, and I wasn’t sure my situation was something I wanted to get into with my dad. We’d never discussed my dating life or anything like that. “I’m just struggling with what I think is the right choice for me.”
Dad nodded. “That happens to be a subject I’m an expert on.”
At first I was confused, but then I realized he was referring to my mom and Kayla. I’d only ever looked at what happened from an abandoned child’s side, not from the point of view of a man in a relationship.
“What happened between you and Mom, Dad? I’ve only ever heard it from her.”
My father sighed. “How much time do you have? I think that story could take a while.”
I smiled. “Tell me the abbreviated version.”
“Alright. Well, as you know, your mom and I were college sweethearts. We got married at twenty-one. People told us we were too young, but we didn’t listen.” He looked away for a moment, and a wistful smile grew on his face. “She was the most beautiful girl on campus.” He shook his head. “Anyway, this is supposed to be the abbreviated version, so I’ll jump forward a few years. Your mom worked a lot while I was in med school. Then when I graduated and you girls came along, she stayed home, and I worked a lot. Over the years, we sort of drifted apart. At first, we had you girls to bind us together. I’d come home, and your mom would catch me up on the happenings of you and your sister. But as the years passed, that became the only thing we discussed. So when you guys got a little bit older and started to spend time with your friends at sleepovers and whatnot, we felt like strangers. Sometimes we’d sit at the kitchen table for dinner, just the two of us, and have nothing to say, even though we’d spent the entire day apart. That led to frustration, and frustration led to arguing. I’m sure you remember the argument part. It was almost like we’d grown up together, yet never learned how to communicate.”
“What about Kayla?”
Dad sighed again. “I know you think Kayla was the cause of my breakup with your mom, but she really wasn’t—nothing on her part, anyway. I swear, God as my witness, I never cheated on your mother—at least not in the physical sense. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t grow too close to other women during those tough years in a non-physical way. Looking back, I think I was seeking the emotional connection your mom and I were missing. I should have worked on that with her instead of finding it with others. And I own that. In a relationship, cheating isn’t just a physical connection. I developed feelings for Kayla. At the time, they weren’t reciprocated. She had no idea. She was just so easy to talk to at work. And once that happened, I realized things weren’t right with your mom and me. I had a lot of guilt, but I was also a selfish asshole. So rather than invest the time to try to fix what had gone wrong with your mother, I took the easy way out.”
Wow. I don’t know what I’d expected him to say, but that wasn’t it. Though it did feel like the truth.
Dad shook his head, and his eyes filled with emotion. “I’m sorry I let you down. I should have been a better man.”
I took his hand in mine. “You’re human. And when you left, I don’t think I understood that. In my eyes, you were my father, not an actual person, if that makes any sense. I was sixteen and didn’t understand boys yet, so I couldn’t have possibly understood the complexities of making a marriage work or your heart falling out of love. I just wanted someone to blame because my father was gone and my mother was sad, and it was easiest to blame you.”
We were both quiet for a long time, but eventually, I asked, “What if there was no Kayla? Would you have stayed with Mom?”
Dad shook his head. “That’s obviously not a simple question to answer, since there is a Kayla. But I’m pretty sure the answer is no. If it wasn’t her, it would’ve been someone else eventually. The problem wasn’t me falling for a specific woman, Molly. The problem was me. Can I ask you something?”
“Yes.”
“Do your man problems have to do with Declan and Will?”
I nodded.
“I know I’m probably the last person who should give advice on relationships. But sometimes hindsight is a lot clearer than when you’re in the thick of things. So if I can offer any advice, it would be not to make a commitment unless you’re certain and ready to work at it.”
