The Embrace by Vivian Wood

21

Icome in from a long run to find Kaia on the kitchen floor, playing with her cat and a ball of paper. She looks up, smiling at me. I slow my pace, unable to bear how happy she looks right now. It's almost too much for my heavy heart.

“Hey stranger,” she jokes. “You were gone for a few hours. I was starting to worry about you.”

“I was just blowing off some steam,” I say. “Besides, it looks like you found someone to entertain you.”

I nod at her cat, reaching out a hand and rubbing his soft scruff. She smiles at the way that her cat sniffs my hand, suspicion warring with wanting to be petted.

“This is the first time that he has actually ventured into your apartment. I didn't want to make a big production about bringing him over here, but I was starting to worry. Luckily, I walked into the kitchen here and he was staring at me from the countertop.”

After getting a couple of strokes in, the cat decides that he’s had enough and wanders off.

I sigh and walk to the fridge, pulling it open and grabbing a bottle of water. The sound of the fridge closing sends her cat skittering across the kitchen floor.

She stretches her hands over her head and yawns a little. “I think he just needs a little more time before he is affectionate toward you.”

I uncap the water and take a long pull. I toss the plastic cap onto the counter and Kaia’s cat bounds onto the counter as well, following the little piece of plastic. He proceeds to hunt that piece of plastic down and swipes it off the countertop, quickly following it to the floor.

My lips lift a bit as I watch him. “Okay, I'll admit it. That is pretty funny.”

Her lips curved upward as she watches the cat. “You might not love him yet, but he is a part of the family. Where I go, he goes.”

“The family?” I roll my eyes. “What family?”

Kaia shoots me a look. “You know what I mean.”

For some reason, I can’t help but find her words antagonizing. I shoot her a tiny glare.

“No, it's obvious I don't. Why don’t you spell it out? Be very explicit for me because otherwise I might not understand,” I reply sarcastically.

She frowns a little at my tone. Standing up, Kaia scoops up Exupéry and rocks him in her arms.

Seeing her being so affectionate towards another living creature makes my stomach curl. I open my mouth, intending to crack a joke. But instead, the words that pour out sound pointed and sniping.

“What is it with you and that three legged cat? You know he is damaged permanently, right?”

She glares at me, a little hurt seeping into her expression. “I told you. I collect broken things.”

I chug a little more water, leveling the with a glare. “That explains so much about why you’re with me, I guess. You need a little project and I am the biggest, most obvious walking wounded you could find.”

Kaia’s eyebrows shoot up. “What is your problem? I know that you are upset because Anita passed away…”

I cut her off. “I’m not upset about it,” I snap. “I’m just saying that you are probably wasting your time trying to fix that cat. Or fix any of the other damaged things in your life.” I screw up my face. “I should probably include myself. I'm the biggest waste of time in all of your collection.”

She pushes her cheek out with her tongue, looking very aggravated. “Calum, seriously. Don’t talk about yourself that way. It’s hurtful to you… but also kind of hurtful to me. Like it makes me seem like I’m stupid for even trying to be with you. Be serious for a minute.”

My cheeks warm. “I am being serious. I am the most broken person that you know. I am always going to be damaged. I can never have my own kids because I know that I am already fucked up. I'm telling you Kaia, I am a dead end.”

I slam the water bottle down on the kitchen counter and turn on my heel, stalking off toward the bedroom. A thundercloud grows over my head as I strip off my running clothes and I turn on the shower.

The whole time I'm in the shower, I'm thinking of the worst case scenario, of where my life could end up. Hell, I could screw things up even more with Kaia to the point that she leaves me. I could be alone. It doesn't seem very far-fetched as of late.

By the time I get out of the shower and wrap myself in thick white towel, I have worked myself into quite a lather over the fact that I might eventually drive her away.

When I step out of the bathroom, she is standing in the doorway that leads to the hall. Her arms are crossed and she has a look on her face that tells me she is mad.

This is it. This is how it starts. I can feel it. I am going to drive her away sooner or later. No one can love me for very long because of who I am, because of my very essence.

Dropping my towel on the hardwood floor, I stalk into my closet. Kaia follows me, her footsteps all but silent on the floor. I scrounge for a pair of sweatpants and T-shirt to put on, feeling the black thundercloud over my head swelling in size. When I am dressed, I turn around and Kaia is still right there.

“Well?” I growl.

Her lips thin. “Calum, you are normally not exactly a people person. In fact, most people are afraid of you. And rightfully so. But lately, since we have returned from vacation, you've been even more…” She trails off, her face tightening. “Difficult.”

I barrel past her, almost pushing her out the doorway when I stalk into the bedroom once more.

“Are you making some point? Or do you just like taunting me when I'm already mad?”

She follows me, touching my inner elbow. Even though I am expecting her touch, it makes me jump. My teeth are set on edge.

I round on her, not even pretending to hold myself in check anymore.

“What do you want??” I demand. “I’ve given you everything I have to give. Can you not just leave me alone now??”

Kaia withdraws her touch, her gaze growing hard. “I know that you're going through something right now, Calum. I get that. But I can’t handle it when you're taking it out on me. Earlier you were taking it out on the cat. You are looking around and lashing out at anyone that’s around because you are hurting.”

I interrupt her. “And? It's my apartment. It's my life. If I want to yell at everybody, I'll damn well do it.”

She shoots me a glare. “It’s not fair to me. I think you should see someone about your grief. A professional. A therapist or a counselor.”

I give a surprise cough. “A shrink? No thank you. I'll just deal with it like I always have. Eventually, things will even out.”

“And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Huh? Just fade away and hope you don’t notice my presence? Maybe check into a hotel for a couple of weeks?”

“If I’m so bad, maybe you should. Maybe you should just go. And if you return, please have a better attitude.”

Her eyes widen. “Me? My attitude is fine!” She presses her lips together and shakes her head. “That will not fly with me. You can't just go around yelling at people. You can’t yell at me. I didn't even do anything!”

I open my arms wide, gesturing all around me. “You're in my space! What do you expect?”

She is quiet for a quarter of a minute, clearly fighting her own rising anger. “You know what, you're right. I am in your space. So I think I will go to get my cat and head back into my apartment until you calm down. When you can talk to me without losing your shit, come find me. Until then I don't think I want to see you.”

Her final words fall like a hammer to my heart. I stare at her, surprised, as she stalks from the room. Less than a minute later, I hear the door between our apartments slam.

My temper erupts is just then.

“Fuck!” I scream. I punch the wall, putting a fist-shaped hole in it. “God dammit!”

That’s it. I’ve driven Kaia away. Somehow my greatest fear has suddenly reared its ugly head and become true.