Take My Breath Away by Ali Ryecart
Chapter Nineteen
JAMES
“You realise you owe me for this, Hendricks? Big time.”
I glare at Elliot, who’s standing on my doorstep hugging an old moth eaten brown and grey fuzzy blanket that’s seen far better days. Closer inspection, however, reveals it to be Jasper, Elliot’s arthritic mutt of which he’s inexplicably fond. It doesn’t even look like a real dog, but more like a Brillo pad pan scourer, on four very stumpy legs.
“I’m sure you’ll extract your revenge in some way, and take great delight in so doing. We’ve got to rush because we need to get to the airport.”
He turns to the car, idling on the curb side. Freddie’s in the driver’s seat and he gives me a little wave.
“And there are these.” At his feet is a large bag. “His food, and some treats. We’ve written out a list of how much to give him and when. There’s also his blanket, his cushion, and his favourite chew toys. He particularly likes the squeaky bone.”
“Don’t we all,” I say, which is met with an eye roll from Elliot. “I still don’t know why you couldn’t put him in kennels. Or found somebody else,” I grumble, as I eye Elliot’s ugly little dog.
I’m not a dog person, and I’m particularly not a Jasper person. He seems to sense my antipathy, which means every time I’m forced into his company he insists on snuffling up to me and, dear God, even tries to crawl into my lap. His stiff back legs make it hard for him to scramble up so inevitably I’m forced to pick the thing up and do it for him.
“I explained over the phone. We tried. You were the last resort, and I mean the last resort.”
“How kind of you to say.” I understand what he’s saying but I still can’t help being a little peeved at being considered a last resort.
“We tried Freddie’s parents but they’re at a wedding all this weekend, Cosmo’s away for work,” he says, referring to my cousin and Freddie’s best friend, “and my neighbour’s broken her leg so obviously she can’t help. Kennels don’t suit him. He tends to get bullied by the other dogs so he gets very stressed, and that results in toilet issues for a few days.”
“Toilet issues? You don’t mean to say he shits everywhere? If he starts that here—”
“No, he won’t. He is house trained, you know.”
I peer at Elliot. My friend’s looking shifty when he never looks shifty.
“But don’t be surprised if he tries to pee in the corner. It’s because this is a new environment for him, but just give him lots of attention and lay out all his familiar things and he’ll be fine.”
I groan. Soggy puddles on the carpet stinking of dog wee. Is my friendship with Elliot really worth this?
“It’s only until Sunday, and we’ll pick him up straight from the airport. And anyway I’m sure Perry will be doing most of the looking after, especially as I’ve given him the day off to help get Jasper settled. Jasper knows Perry, he’s very easy with him. Now, we really do have to go.”
Elliot gives Jasper a big cuddle, rubbing his cheek over the dog’s head, and is rewarded with a whine and a strangled yelp.
“Now you be a good boy, Jas. I don’t want you to be too much trouble but if James is horrible to you, you have my permission to piss anywhere you want.” With a grin that’s got a touch of evil in it, Elliot thrusts Jasper into my arms.
The dog’s small but stocky and surprisingly heavy as he wriggles in my arms. I meet his eye. The next few days are going to be war and to be honest I’m not sure who’s going to come out the victor.
“I’ll ring you when we get back just to let you know what time we’ll pick him up. Must go.” He swings around on his heel and rushes to the car, making his escape.
I don’t know how, not yet, but Elliot’s going to pay a heavy price for this.
I hold Jasper out at arm’s length. “Do not give me a hard time, mutt. If you even attempt to cock your leg in this house, you’re toast. Got that?”
Jasper doesn’t shift his evil little eyes from mine but he tells me exactly what he thinks of my threat.
“Oh, fucking hell.” I shift my head and try to veer back from the noxious stink that fills the air around me. I’ve forgotten, and Elliot has handily not reminded me, how much this dog farts.
“He’s here!” Perry cries, as he walks up the garden path towards me. He’s carrying a bag filled with a few bits of shopping but he immediately dumps it and takes Jasper from my arms, thank God.
“Hello Jasper, it’s so lovely to see you again. Have you got a kiss for Perry?” Jasper wriggles in Perry’s arms with what I swear is excitement, as his stubby tail wags from side to side. A strangled sound, which can barely be called a bark, pushes its way out of Jasper before a long, pink tongue emerges and catches the tip of Perry’s nose.
“Errrgh, how can you let him do that?” My stomach’s still rolling from the foul fart Perry doesn’t seem to have noticed.
“Jasper’s such a lovely little thing, he’s so sweet and loving,” Perry says, as he cuddles the dog close. He’s got a big smile on his face and he looks thrilled with Jasper, and my antipathy towards the dog melts. Just a little.
“Come on, boy, let’s get you settled. We can set all his things up in the corner of the kitchen if you like?” Perry throws over his shoulder as he strides into the house leaving me to pick up the shopping and the bag of Jasper’s belongings Elliot’s left.
“The kitchen? You must be joking.” Jasper smells. He just does. He’s a living, breathing stench bomb, and there’s no way I want that floating around in the kitchen. “I thought he could go into the utility room.” Or the shed, at the bottom of the garden, but from the way Perry’s glaring at me perhaps it’s best if I don’t put forward those particular suggestions.
“You can’t do that.” Perry’s eyes are huge with shock. “He’ll think he’s done something wrong. It’d be like banishing him.”
Perry’s still glaring at me, but so too is Jasper, and I’m sure there’s a glint of evil in his round, button eyes. I’ve lost this round and the dog knows it. But I’m not giving up.
“He stinks, and he’s very farty. I don’t think it’s too much for me not to want that poisoning the kitchen.”
“He just gets nervous so if he picks up that you don’t like him very much,” Perry says, his scowl deepening, “that’ll just make him fart all the more. Try and be relaxed around him, be nice. He’s a lovely little thing and he’ll be no trouble, and besides I’m happy to do the work. I’ve looked after him before, you know. But for now maybe Jasper would like to get to know the garden. You’d like that wouldn’t you, you little cutie?”
I follow Perry through the doors that lead onto the patio, and the garden beyond. Jasper’s leaning his snout on Perry’s shoulder and I swear to God that dog’s giving me a malevolent grin.
The garden’s completely secure but Perry attaches his leash and tethers it to the branch of a large tree halfway down. It’s one of those extendable things and Jasper spends his time sniffing and rooting around and cocking his leg. No doubt there’ll be brown patches and dead areas but at least the dog’s out the house and I pretend the smell is fading.
* * *
Summer’s slipped into autumn, and it’s come in with a vengeance with plunging temperatures and blustery storms. The kitchen, though, is warm and cosy, but it’d be a hell of a lot more cosy if Perry were sitting with me at the table, instead of on his knees in the corner, where he’s telling Jasper he’s such a good boy as he tickles the dog’s belly. On his back with his legs spread wide, Jasper’s such a little tart.
Perry’s thrilled to have Jasper here, and that in itself is enough for the dog to earn his keep.
“And another tickle, and another,” Perry says in a sing-song voice as he scrubs his fingers through the short hair on Jasper’s pink stomach.
I have, I know, been completely forgotten, but I don’t mind as it gives me the uninterrupted opportunity to drink in every inch of Perry. He’s smiling, relaxed and happy, and I’m glad of that.
We haven’t talked much about the evening we spent with Rory and Jack, and the shift in his idea to set up a home-based business. It’s happening, I know full well he’s been busy looking at places. I’ve advised him not to rush into anything, to wait until the New Year when properties flood the market, to take his time to find the right place and not let enthusiasm get in the way of clear sightedness. Not that I think anywhere will be the right place, not in bloody Brighton.
As I watch Perry play with the dog, my mind’s turning over and over. Perry’s desire for his own home and a thriving business are everything to him. I understand, I always have, and admire his quiet determination. But I have desires of my own and they’re getting harder and harder to ignore.
I want him, and that’s bad news for a man like Perry.
It sounds so basic, crude almost. But I do want him, I want all of him, and if I’m honest with myself I think I always have. I want his smile, his warmth, his goodness, but they’re not all I want.
I could kiss him, and I honestly don’t think he’d resist. I know the way he looks at me. He’s easy to read, an open book in so many ways. And young — the age difference isn’t an issue, but it can’t be ignored. Life’s not always treated him well, but he still retains a kind of innocence. Yet, if he has much to do with me beyond what we have now, all that’ll be chipped away. Piece by piece by piece. Yes, I could kiss him and so much more, until I grow bored and restless, using him the way I’ve used all the men in my life. It’s what I did to Alex, the only other man I’ve cared for, and I couldn’t bear for that to happen to Perry.
That was in a different lifetime… I was younger, always searching for the next thrill… Surely I’ve changed since then? Learned there’s more to life than the next easy lay, the next casual, emotionless fuck, before moving on to the next, and the next…?
But I don’t know, I can’t answer the questions and that shakes me. Yet there’s one thing I do know, and that is I won’t run the risk of finding the answers out on Perry, using him like he’s some bloody lab rat to be experimented with.
“James?”
My name on Perry’s lips pulls me back into the present. He’s looking up at me from where he’s still on his knees in the corner, his head tilted, his lips very slightly parted. He’s waiting for the answer to a question I’ve not heard him ask.
“I said, I think we should take Jasper out for some proper exercise.” He pushes himself to standing.
“We?”
“Yes. We could all do with walking off our lunch.”
A walk. It’s a distraction, and I grasp it with both hands, but the clouds are grey and heavy, promising rain at some point.
I shift my attention to Jasper. I’m sure exercise is the last thing he’s thinking about as he wriggles up to sitting. Snorting and grunting, he lifts a back leg and takes great delight in licking his balls. For a dog with two arthritic back legs he’s very agile when it comes to spreading them.
“I’m not at all sure I want to be seen in public with that thing.”
Perry’s face wreaths with smiles, but there’s mischief in his glinting eyes.
“He says the same about you.”
“Oh, he does, does he?” I look back at Jasper, still licking, snorting and grunting. “There are clear rules attached to our public appearance.”
“Rules?” Perry drops down into the chair next to me.
“Yes, and ones you’re going to abide by.” I count them off on my fingers. “You’re going to be responsible for him. You’re the one who’s going to hold on to his lead, and you’re the one who’s going to pick up his poo. There’s no way I’m scooping up dog shit into a carrier bag. And if he gets wet and muddy, you’re the one who’ll be cleaning him off. Understand?” I try my best to glare at Perry, to look hard-faced and serious, but it’s near impossible where he’s concerned.
Perry tilts his chin up, a determined look on his face. “You’re on. We could jump in the car and head up to Hampstead?”
He must see the horror in my face, because he splutters out an explanation.
“Jasper’s familiar with the Heath. It’s only a short drive away. It’ll be wonderful up there, all wild and windy.”
“Wild and windy? That’s very Kate Bush.”
“Who?”
“Never mind.” I groan and shake my head. Another reason for lines not to be crossed, if I need one.
Perry’s looking hopeful and I know this is yet another round I’ve lost, but I’m not giving up without a fight.
“You do realise that having him anywhere near my car means it’ll need fumigating?”
“He’s not that bad.”
A long and rasping fart blasts from the corner of the kitchen.
“You were saying?”
“Erm, all the more reason to take him out so he can walk off his, erm, indigestion?” Perry holds a hand up to his face, conveniently covering his nose.
“We could put him in the boot, I suppose.”
“If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were being serious.” He gets up and goes to find Jasper’s leash. I snort, because Perry obviously doesn’t know me as well as he thinks he does.
A few minutes later we’re in the car, heading towards the Heath. Despite my argument that the boot’s the best place for him, Jasper’s good as gold, curled up on a blanket on the back seat.
By some miracle, it doesn’t take long to find a parking space and soon we’re heading over the rough ground and climbing high. Perry’s holding onto the leash and Jasper’s snuffling around stopping every so often to cock his leg. Now we’re out on the blustery Heath, the little dog seems surprisingly sprightly. At least out here, in the chilly wind, I can’t smell him.
“We had dogs when I was a kid,” Perry says, suddenly. “Much like Jasper, we always got them from the rescue centres. It was my job to look after them and I didn’t mind at all. In fact I loved it.”
Perry’s smiling wide as he recalls happy childhood memories. Jasper’s bringing them all back and for that reason alone I’m glad I agreed to take him, even though I made Elliot listen to all my bitching.
“You didn’t have dogs as a child?” Perry looks at me, even though I think he’s already guessed the answer to that. “I thought it was in the job description, for all posh people to be surrounded by dogs and horses.”
“It’s not a requirement. Although I admit, my parents did have dogs. Setters and Labradors mostly, but I was away at boarding school from the age of four. In the school holidays I did as much as possible to avoid both my parents and their menagerie. When I went to university I rarely returned home, so was able to carry on avoiding the lot of them.”
I can feel Perry’s eyes on me but I keep my focus in front. I don’t talk about my late parents much, or about my childhood. I had little interest in either my mother or father, and they in turn had little in me. They’re gone, so there’s no way of changing that. I’m a grown man and I’ve been around the block more than a few times, so I should be inured to the thought of them, but I’m always caught out and, I suspect, always will be.
Perry doesn’t say anything sensing, no doubt, that it’s not something I want to talk about. He’s a sensitive boy; he picks up on atmospheres and he’s picked up on this.
The clouds are thickening, and scudding across the sky as the wind rises. There’s a biting edge to it, which is probably why there are so few people out on the Heath.
I slip Perry a glance. Wrapped up in an overcoat, a bright red scarf and a matching woolly hat, he looks happy and content, and warmth winds its way through me as we make our way to the top, high up on the Heath, our bodies bent into the wind, our shoulders and arms nudging each other’s as we go.
Ahead of us and still on his leash, Jasper’s making good progress but I can’t help noticing he’s slowed down. We get to the top and look at London spread out below under the leaden sky. Next to me Perry’s breathing hard, his mouth slightly open.
“That was hard going. I didn’t realise I was so unfit.”
“Then you ought to join me on my morning runs.”
Perry answers with a snort. “No, I’ll leave all the pounding to you.”
“Always better to pound with somebody else, I find.”
His face turns from pink to cherry red and it’s everything I can do not to laugh, or ratchet up the innuendo. I’m more than happy to be the one who does the pounding but it’s not the streets I’m thinking of. My cock agrees as it thickens and twitches.
“I’ll just let him off his leash for a little while,” Perry mumbles, as he bends over to unclip the lead attached to Jasper’s collar.
“If he runs away, you’re the one who’ll be running after him. Remember our deal?”
Perry shakes his head. “He won’t run away. I’ve taken him out quite a few times, looking after him when Elliot’s been stuck. He’s not a very adventurous dog and he likes to keep close.”
As though to underline his words, Jasper doesn’t stray more than a few feet, sniffing around and not showing any sign of wanting to dart away, although I don’t think with his stiff back legs he’d get very far. There’s a bench up ahead and I jerk my head towards it, and Perry and I take a seat leaving Jasper to his own devices just steps away.
The wind’s buffeting hard and there’s a smell of rain on the air. Despite my earlier grumbling, I like being outside in all weathers and the wide-open view of the city, from this high up, makes it worth it.
We’re sitting close, neither of us talking, almost but not quite touching. He’s looking out over the city, transfixed.
“It’s such an amazing view. Every time I see it, it takes my breath away.”
I’ve seen it so many times from up here I’m used to it, but it’s the first time I’ve been up on the Heath with Perry and I gaze out with fresh eyes. It is breathtaking, but not nearly as much as the man sitting next to me in the big coat and the woolly hat.
“It’s funny, although I’ve lived in London all my life, I’ve never been to most of the landmarks. I’ve passed them on buses, but that’s not what I mean. Sometimes I think I should just take a few days off and be a tourist in my own city, take advantage of what’s on the doorstep before I move away.”
Before he leaves.
A blast of wind, hard, cold and biting, whips its way around us. I say nothing because there’s nothing to say. The clouds are darker than just seconds ago, and the first distant, angry rumble of thunder rolls in on the gusty wind. The already weak light is fading, and the first spots of rain begin to fall.
* * *
“Let’s head back,” I say to Perry, who nods his agreement.
We push ourselves up from the bench and look around. There are few trees up here but there are large patches of thick gorse and some bushes. What there isn’t, is any sign of a small brown dog that looks more like a Brillo pad.
“Jasper! Jasper!” Worry fills Perry’s face. “He can’t be far, he never goes far. He’s not that kind of dog,” he says, but a thread of concern’s running through his words.
He shouts some more for the dog and I join in but Jasper doesn’t stumble out from under a bush, or emerge from a patch of gorse. There’s nothing except our voices being whipped away by the wind and the rain that’s starting to come down hard and heavy.
“Where the hell is he?” Perry darts this way and that, calling the dog. “I shouldn’t have taken him off his leash, it’s my fault. If we don’t find him… Oh God, what will I tell Elliot?” Worry and upset crease his face.
“We’ll find him, he can’t have gone far.”
This isn’t Perry’s fault, whatever he might think. Elliot entrusted Jasper to me, so if there’s any comeback it’s mine.
We make our way across the Heath, all the time calling, trudging through the torrential rain. The light’s fading fast. I pull out my phone and flick the torch on. Up ahead, there’s a dip in the top of the hill, the edge lined with overgrown, tangled bushes beyond which is—
“Behind those bushes, there’s a pond.”
God alone knows how I’ve forgotten. It’s large, but shallow and muddy for much of the time, but it’s been raining heavily on and off for the last few days, so it would have filled up.
I look at Perry at the same time he swings his head to look at me. Our eyes meet with the same thought connecting between us.
“Oh no, you don’t think…?”
As one we run over the rough ground, stumbling and sliding on the already sodden earth that’s turning to sticky mud. We stumble to a halt on the edge of the pond, our breath ragged with panic.
“I can’t see—”
“No, look. There.” My torch picks up a small shape in the water, bobbing up and down, disappearing only to reappear a second later before the water claims it one more time. A yelp, thin, frightened, and pathetic, is torn away by the howling wind.
“Oh my God, Jasper,” Perry cries, as he lunges forward. I grab his arm and pull him back.
“No. You take the phone, aim the light on him. I’ll get Jasper.”
I don’t give Perry time to argue as I thrust the phone at him, and slip down the slope to the edge of the pond. As I wade in, icy water fills my boots, soaking my jeans first to the calves then the knees. It’s fucking freezing and I start to shiver, but I trudge forward, towards Jasper, whose frightened whining and pathetic attempts to bark spur me on. God alone knows why but Elliot loves the little sod, and I refuse to be the bearer of bad news.
Jasper’s not far out, less than ten feet I estimate, but it’s lethal underfoot. The pond’s filled with thick, strong weeds which wind around my legs, and heavy mud sucks hard on my feet, making progress slow and heavy.
“Okay, boy,” I breathe out as I edge towards the dog, keeping my voice low so as not to panic him even more than he is already. “Let’s get hold of you.”
Jasper’s splashing about, but he’s moving in an ever decreasing circle, and I know that can only be because he’s caught up in the weeds.
The light from the phone barely reaches us, its beam weak and trembling in Perry’s agitated hand. I edge myself closer towards the frightened dog. If I’m going to get him and me out, I need to free him from the knot he’s got tied up in.
I’m within a couple of feet of him, and make a grab to stop him from dipping below the water’s surface, but his fur’s soaked and mud-covered and, smooth and slippery as an eel, he slides out of my grasp. Fumbling to keep hold, my balance goes and I lurch forward into the freezing, reed-choked pond, going under into solid blackness.
Bitter, acrid, muddy water fills my mouth and for a second I can’t breathe. My feet scrabble to find a foothold on the muddy bottom and I push myself upright, spitting and gagging out the liquid mud that tastes of the earth, leaves, the dead and decayed.
The torch beam doesn’t reach this far. Everything is shades of grey and I can’t see Jasper anywhere.
“Oh fuck, oh fucking hell.” I yell, angry not at the dog but at myself for my failure both to save him, and to Elliot, who’s placed his trust in me.
My heart’s hammering hard, my breath’s rough and ragged, and my blood’s a harsh whoosh as it rips through my veins, all of it against a background of the wail of the wind and the beat of the rain hard on the pond.
I tread water, settling my breathing as I strain my ears to pick up any clue as to where Jasper might be. And I hear it, a tiny whimper that trembles on the edge of extinction. It comes from behind me, and slowly I turn. Jasper’s given up the fight, as he bobs in the water just a foot or so from me.
And I grab him. One hand on a leg, the other gripping a floppy ear, I drag him to me and wrap my arms around him, hauling him into me and hugging him tight to my chest.
“Okay boy, okay, I’ve got you.”
He doesn’t struggle or put up any kind of panic induced resistance and for a moment I fear he’s gone, but the beat of my heart is joined by another, and a tiny excuse of a bark.
“You stupid bloody mutt,” I grumble, as I tighten my grip and begin the slow, cold, wade back.
“Oh God,” Perry cries out as I get to the edge, “the beam, it didn’t reach that far out. I lost sight of you and, and I thought…” He swallows hard, the phone wavering in his hand. “I was going to call the police, I was so scared you might have slipped and—”
“I’m fine, we’re both fine,” I say, cutting off Perry’s panicked words.
“But—”
“We’re both soaked through, freezing, and covered in slime, but that’s all. We all just need to get home.”
Perry’s nodding hard and with a shaking hand he pulls Jasper’s leash from his pocket ready to clip it to the collar. There’s no way on earth Jasper, exhausted and trembling in my arms, is in any fit state to walk.
“No.” My fingers are stiff with cold but I manage to undo some of the buttons on my sodden coat, and bundle him beneath it. “Come on, let’s get back to the car as fast as we can, get this one cleaned up and warm. From now on, he’s confined to the garden. No more adventures on Hampstead Heath, okay?”
Perry nods, and gives me a weak, quivery smile. Jasper’s not the only one who needs to be wrapped up warm. Without thinking, I throw my arm around Perry’s shoulders, hugging him close, as with the other I support Jasper as we pick our way down the hill towards the car.
