Take My Breath Away by Ali Ryecart
Chapter Forty-Three
PERRY
“Of course you can come here, and for as long as you need to you dipstick. I’m sorry, mate, I really am.”
I close my eyes and all I can think is, thank God for Alfie. It’d taken all my courage to send Alfie the text, telling him things haven’t worked out with James, and could I come and stay? Alfie’s call had come less than a minute later.
“You think he might be going with other blokes?” At least there’s no I told you so tone to his voice, and for that I’m grateful.
“No. He said he hasn’t and I believe him. But…” I swallow hard, before I tell Alfie what’s happened.
“Jesus Fucking Christ.” Alfie explodes on the other end of the line, and I jerk the mobile back. “So it’s, sorry Perry, but I’ve decided that, going forward, I don’t think I’m going to like keeping my dick safely tucked away, so bye bye. What a wanker.”
“No, it wasn’t quite like that.” Wasn’t it? I’m not so sure, when it comes down to it.
“Want me to come around and kick the shit out of him?”
Alfie would, and I can’t help the smile that lifts my lips. I don’t tell him James would have him stunned and knocked to the floor within seconds.
“Easy tiger. No, I think I just want to leave with some of my rapidly dwindling dignity.”
A brief silence before Alfie speaks, softer this time, all his belligerence gone.
“You liked him a lot, didn’t you? More than any of the others.”
I close my eyes to stop the fall of tears.
“Yeah,” I rasp. I still do, but none of that matters, not anymore. “Thing is, he never lied to me. Not really. He told me exactly what he was like.”
“How d’ya mean?”
I suck in a deep, long breath. “Years ago he had somebody in his life he cared for — loved — very much.”
Loved. The word catches in my throat.
“But James couldn’t be faithful. He told me that, he never tried to hide it. He never lied.” No, I’ve just done that to myself. “He realised he was in too deep, I suppose, that he’d committed more than he could deliver. The life he really wants doesn’t preclude all that temptation.” I spit the word out, like something rank.
“Shit, Perry mate, I’m sorry. Really, I am. Then I guess it’s better you realise all this now before you got any deeper. I don’t just mean between you and him, but with the practical side of stuff as well. Like the cooking premises for the cakes. You don’t want to get yourself tangled up into a contractual agreement if the basis you’re building it on has collapsed. You’ve been talking about moving down to the coast for years, on and off, but you never have. But now’s your chance, and you should take it and not tie yourself to what somebody else wants.”
It’s a gentle reiteration of what he said to me before. Always putting the man in my life first, always taking second place, shoving my wants, and needs, and dreams aside.
But it’s what I wanted, to be here with James more than I wanted to go to the coast…
“Perry, you’ve got to put yourself first. You never do it and somehow it always seems to land you in the shit.”
Ah, so not such a gentle reminder.
“Thanks for your belief in me.”
“You silly wanker, of course I believe in you, but sometimes you just have to be selfish. That doesn’t make you a bad person — you’re the best person I know — but falling in with other people’s plans all the time even when they derail your own doesn’t win you any friends in the long run.”
He’s right. I’ve spend my life being a people pleaser and in the end I don’t please anybody.
“Walk away with your head held high, because you’ve no reason not to. Much as I’d like to beat him up for you, just draw a line under it. At least this time you won’t be getting locked out, or living in a basement.”
“No, I’m over basement living. It’s so yesterday.”
We both laugh and I’m glad of the light relief it brings. But Alfie’s right that I need to draw a line under this. I have to move on and regain control, even if it does feel like I’m freewheeling downhill.
“Perry? Perry, you still there?”
“Yes. Yes I am. Sorry.”
“Come at the weekend. Just a couple of days away. Is that all right? It’ll give me a chance to get the place sorted out.”
It’s more than all right.
“You mean cleaned up and not disease ridden?” I smile when he huffs down the line.
“Yeah something like that, but I’ll be around then to help you get settled.” He hesitates for a second before he speaks again. “I’m sorry this has happened, but better to find out now before you get in too deep.”
Too deep? I’m already in too deep, but this time I have to swim to shore and save myself, because nobody else will do it for me.
