Starting Over by Mia Malone
Chapter Sixteen
Funeral
Rosie
I spent the first part of the trip back creating a list of everything I needed to do. Then I remembered that I already had one, so I scrunched up the paper I’d been jotting things on and turned to look out the window. Nana and I had started the list when Gramps passed away, and she had told me to keep it up to date.
“When my time comes, sweetheart, then don’t make any fuss about it. Pull out the list, cross things out, and remember me with joy,” she said, and when I protested, she gave me one of her firm glares. “Rosie. I’m more than ninety years old, so that time will come. I’ll be here a while longer, and then I’ll go see Willy again that’s all there is to it.”
Nana had been mostly gone for more than a year already, but there had been flashes of who she had been shining through the fog in her mind, and now I didn’t have that to look forward to.
“Tell me about her,” Tony said, hoping that it would help to talk about the woman she’d just lost.
“Nana?”
“Yeah. You’ve told me some stories, but there are more of them.” He glanced at me and then back at the road. “So, tell me.”
I swallowed and didn’t know what to say, so I started at the beginning. Or the beginning I knew about anyway.
“Her name was Anna, she was fourteen years old when she met William, and that was it for both of them. There wasn’t anyone else after that. Then she got pregnant at fifteen, so she was sixteen when my mother was born, and neither family wanted anything to do with them after that.”
“They kicked them out?”
“Yeah. Gramps was just eighteen, and it was rough for them the first years.”
“I bet it was.”
“They saved up and somehow managed to buy a small piece of land, and they added to it over the years, but it was still hard.” I smiled as I remembered the small farm. “But somehow it wasn’t. They were happy, and somehow that was enough. Gramps used to...”
As the miles rolled by, I told Tony about Nana and Gramps, and as I shared stories about cows and eggs and dancing on the front porch, I told him about a big part of me. He listened and laughed with me but didn’t say much and just let me talk.
“Thank you,” I said quietly when we drove into Hark Falls, and he turned down the road leading to his home.
“Not a chore to listen to your memories, Rosie, so no need to thank me,” he said but seemed distracted suddenly, and I turned to look ahead.
Men were walking out of his house and into cars in the driveway. Finn raised a hand in a greeting but drove off with the others, and Tony just waved at them and got out of the car to open the trunk for Blue.
“Come on, we’ll grab the bags later,” he said and disappeared through the front door.
Inside was a complete mess because someone seemed to have dropped a bomb on Tony’s kitchen. The whole interior had been removed, but they’d started to build it up again. A new floor was already in place, and they’d started installing the cabinets and appliances, but they were far from done. The kitchen island seemed to be mostly finished, and there was a huge box on the gray marble countertop.
My pulse started to beat faster, and my gut clenched into a tight knot when I saw that it was a brand-new coffeemaker.
“What’s going on?” I asked and stared at him.
“I remembered what you said, baby,” he said quietly. “There is nothing in here to remind you of her. You will never wipe down any of this and wonder if there’s anything left from anyone.”
“Tony...”
“You said it wasn’t about her, but it is. I won’t let what happened taint a single memory for you.”
I turned around slowly to look at the pale hardwood floor and sage green cabinet doors. It would look amazing when it was done, and the design was exactly what I would have chosen, but all I could think of was how much I loved him.
“You had them tear out your whole kitchen?” I asked, which was a little bit stupid when I was standing in the middle of a renovation project, but I still couldn’t believe it.
“Yeah,” he confirmed.
“For me?”
“It was old and needed to be upgraded, but yeah,” he said and grinned crookedly. “It was for you.”
“Oh, God.”
“I told them to burn that flannel. I don’t want you to ever step back and not hug me.”
My throat closed up until it was a struggle to breathe, and I tried to calm down, but everything that had happened, all the feelings swirling inside me, and the mess surrounding us was overwhelming in a way I didn’t know how to handle. It felt as if the walls were closing in around me, tiny yellow dots started to swirl in the air, and my knees were suddenly shaking.
“I can’t do this,” I rasped out and skirted around a box with a new dishwasher on my way toward his back door.
“Rosie,” he called out, and I heard him move but didn’t stop until I was outside in the fresh air. “Rosie,” he repeated gently.
“It’s too much,” I managed to say as I sank into a crouch and then down on my knees, gasping for air. “It’s –”
Tony was suddenly on the ground next to me, pushing my head down between my knees.
“Breathe, Rosie,” he mumbled and caressed my back slowly. “Just inhale slowly, there you go, and then out again.”
He kept it up until I’d calmed down enough to not faint.
“I didn’t expect this, Tony,” I pushed out. “I don’t know how to handle it.”
“The kitchen?” he asked. “I can afford it, you know.”
“I know, but you did it for me, and you teach Blue stupid tricks, and I love you so much more than I expected. I never thought I’d feel like this, and –”
I sucked in air and was about to release another rant when his arm around my back tightened.
“Jesus, Rosie,” he said. “Breathe.”
“‘Kay,” I said and mumbled. “It’s just too much.”
“I got that.” He laughed shakily and added, “Fuck, you scared the shit out of me.”
“What?”
“You love me,” he said instead of answering, and I closed my eyes.
God, what a moron I was.
“Yeah,” I said, feeling a little stupid and not sure what else to say.
“Baby, look at me.”
I straightened and glanced at him, and my insides promptly melted into a puddle of mush. He was smiling widely, and the way his eyes had softened was just beautiful.
“Tony,” I mumbled.
“You love me,” he repeated. “More than you expected.”
“Yes,” I said because I did, and I’d told him so.
He leaned in closer until his beard tickled my cheek, and then he brushed his lips over my mouth.
“I love you, Rosie,” he mumbled and moved his lips softly over mine again. “I’m so ridiculously in love with you, don’t you know that?”
“I –”
I didn’t get to elaborate because his mouth pressed against mine, his tongue slid inside, and I was pulled into his lap.
***
Tony
Relief rushed through him when he heard her rambling declaration of love, and the tightness in his chest eased off.
“Don’t ever do that again,” he murmured into her neck when they finally stopped kissing.
They were on the steps to his porch, Rosie was in his arms, and Blue was busy letting the universe know he was back in his domain and peed frantically on every bush along the fence at the back end of the garden.
“Yeah,” she said and turned her face into his shoulder. “Sorry about the panic attack.”
“Babe,” he said and waited until she raised her head and looked at him. “Scared the shit out of me, although in a weird way it’s kind of flattering you became so,” he couldn’t stop a smug smile and wiggled his brows, “Overcome with emotions.”
“Overcome with – Have you been reading in one of my books?”
“Yup.”
“The one with the –”
He started laughing and pressed her closer.
“Yup,” he repeated. “The naughty duke.”
“Oh, God.”
“Is what the damsel said when she became... overcome with emotions,” he said and tried to hold his laughter back. “Rosie, we all know what kind of books you read in the porn club.”
“In the porn club,” she echoed slowly, and he winced.
“Yeah, sorry, babe. That’s what we call your book club.”
“We?”
“Everyone.”
Her grin suddenly turned smug, and her lips twitched, but then she said flippantly, “Oh, goody. Then you won’t be shocked when I come home after our next meeting. One of Momo’s coworkers will join us.” She giggled but got out of his lap and held out her hand. “Come on, let’s look at your kitchen.”
He wanted it to be their kitchen but figured they’d taken a big enough step as it was on the day her grandmother had passed away. Instead, he talked about how Addie had planned the layout, and Momo had sent so many paint swatches he’d finally told her to pick anything she liked that was some kind of green. Two of his men were contractors, and they’d redirected their crew to his home, and Buddy had apparently managed to cut himself deeply on the calf with a crowbar.
“Good that you help getting him into college,” Tony said. “He’s a good kid who’ll grow into a good man, but he can apparently not be trusted with tools.” Then his brows went up, and he added quietly, “You should see this, baby. It’s for you, in a way.”
Next to the box with his carefully picked out coffeemaker was a new flannel, and on top of it was a sheet of paper ripped out of a notebook.
“I’m so sorry. Emma.”
***
The funeral was small and, according to Rosie, exactly what her grandmother had planned four years earlier when they lost her grandfather.
Rosie’s ex-husband attended, which wasn’t surprising, and since he barely said a word, also not a problem.
A few of Nana’s friends were there, and they mumbled words of comfort to Rosie and the girls but looked around wearily as if they thought about the fact that they weren’t far behind.
And then shit hit the fan.
Hugely.
The door opened just before the service was about to start, and an older couple walked in. Tony heard Rosie inhale and then she grabbed hold of his hand, squeezing it hard.
And he realized who they were.
Rosie looked a little like her mother, but Tony only glanced at the woman because his whole focus was on the father and on stopping himself from ripping the man’s intestines out through his throat.
“Who are they?” Chrissy asked quietly, and Rosie exhaled slowly.
Her grip on his hand softened as she straightened her back and raised her chin a little.
“It’s my parents,” she said quietly. “We’ll all be polite, okay?”
Tony realized that this was aimed at him and wondered what he looked like if she felt she had to instruct him on his manners.
He could be polite. He would, in fact, be so fucking polite the asshole died from massive frostbite.
“Rosalind,” the man said and stretched out a hand.
“Father,” Rosie said, looked at the hand for a second, and turned toward the woman. “Mother.”
Then she turned and shuffled the girls with her toward the front with grace and so much dignity Tony thought his chest would explode with pride. Richard followed without a word, but Tony turned back to Rosie’s parents.
“You’ll sit there,” he said quietly and pointed toward a couple of seats far back and on the other side of the aisle.
Rosie’s father made a scoffing sound, and Tony took a small step forward, raised a brow, and wished the goddamned man would make a scene so there would be a valid excuse for bashing the old asshole’s head in. He didn’t, and when they’d reached their chairs, Tony joined Rosie and the girls.
The church service was short, and there were no eulogies since Nana apparently had nixed that quite firmly, and then they moved outside to the gravesite. This part was clearly harder for Rosie, and he put an arm around her shoulders to hold her when she cried silently.
It was hard to see her grief, and hear how the girls sniffled next to him, so Tony exhaled softly when it was finally over and the girls both blew their noses in quite unladylike manners. Rosie moved around among the attendants, explaining that Nana had requested firmly that there wouldn’t be a gathering after the funeral. Richard talked quietly with Chrissy, but Charlie joined Tony, who had walked a few steps away to keep an eye on Rosie’s parents in case they would try to approach her.
“Mom told you about them?” she asked and added, “About him?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
They exchanged a glance, and Rosie had told him that she’d given her daughters a highly sanitized version of her first ten years, but Charlie’s eyes were filled with anger, and Tony guessed what she’d done.
“You asked Nana about him?”
“Of course,” Charlie said. “Mom didn’t want to talk about it, but I wanted to know.”
Tony flashed her a quick grin of appreciation. Rosie’s youngest daughter looked like a stereotypical blonde, but she was sharp as a razor. Then Charlie made a soft sound, and he turned in time to see that Rosie’s parents had started to walk toward her.
“Fuck,” he muttered and moved too.
So did Chrissy and Richard, and they all stopped in an awkward group.
“Rosalind,” the old man began.
Rosie ignored him completely and turned toward her mother.
“You have two fantastic granddaughters that you don’t know and who will never call you grandma.” She smiled a little, but it wasn’t a happy smile, and then she added, “I hope it was worth it, and if you find out that it wasn’t, then I have donated the money you paid for the house in Seattle to a place that can help you.” She gave her mother a small card and turned toward her father. “You won’t come near either of us again.”
There was a short, stunned silence, and then Tony moved to place himself partially in front of Rosie.
“Rosie was right when she told me you’re nothing to her.” He leaned forward a little and rumbled, “You should leave now.” They moved immediately, and Tony knew it was incredibly petty, but he could stop himself from adding, “I hope you enjoyed Romania.”
Her father’s back straightened, but they kept walking. Charlie giggled quietly, and he felt her hand touch his quickly, so he grinned down at her.
“Christ,” Richard suddenly mumbled, and Tony turned toward him, suddenly a little angry with the man who hadn’t said a single word of rebuke to his ex-wife’s abusive father.
“That there...” Tony twitched his head to indicate Rosie, who was staring at the church where her parents had disappeared. “That’s pure, undiluted strength. You’re a pussy, so I have that by my side, and you don’t. I won’t ever let go because it’s a fucking fantastic thing to have.”
Rosie puffed out a hoarse sound, but Richard stared at him, blinking slowly in a way Tony thought looked ridiculous.
“Just sayin’,” Tony muttered.
“Okay,” Richard said.
“Okay,” Tony confirmed and put an arm around Rosie’s shoulders. “You good, babe?”
“I can’t believe they had the nerve to show up here today. He’s such an asshole.”
“Yeah, babe. He is.”
“He still wears that belt.”
It only took a split second for everything around him to become a silent bubble of fury, and he sucked in air, trying but failing at controlling his temper.
***
Rosie
I should have waited until later to tell him that.
“That’s the one he used to put that scar on your hip?” Tony asked silkily.
“Yes,” I confirmed.
Tony turned abruptly and marched with long steps toward the church.
“Oh, Mom,” Chrissy said. “That scar you have on your hip? Did your father put it there?”
I’d told them he was abusive and that it had been bad enough for Nana and Gramps to get custody, but I hadn’t shared any details. Nana had told me that they asked her and that she’d told them some of it, but they’d never brought it up with me.
“He usually used the other end of the belt,” I said quietly. “I don’t know if he made a mistake or if he –” I cut myself off and said with a sigh, “Yes, sweetie, he did. I should perhaps have told you more about him. Nana said you asked her.”
“We know everything we need to know about that...” Chrissy inhaled and spat out, “Asshat.”
Heavy steps approached behind me, and Charlie’s eyes widened, but then she started laughing.
Tony still looked like a thundercloud, and I stared at the belt he was carrying. He muttered something, leaned down, and when he straightened, he suddenly held a long, shiny knife in his hand.
“Tony,” I squeaked.
He ignored me, calmly cut off the belt buckle, and held it out in front of my daughters.
“Look at this, girls,” he said. “This is proof of how fucking fantastic your mother is. How strong she was today when she kept her cool and faced that fucking asshole for the first time since she was ten. Remember what it looks like, so you know that you will never accept that kind of shit from anyone, and if anyone tries, you will tell me, and I will fucking kill them.”
“Okay,” Chrissy mumbled when no one said anything.
“Let’s get out of here,” Tony said, glanced at me, and walked off toward our car.
We said goodbye to a white-faced Richard, and I heard how the girls promised to call him. Then we were in the car and speeding toward Hark Falls.
“Tony,” I said, trying to sound reasonable and not as if I wanted to shriek in his face.
“He didn’t even remember,” Tony barked and slammed both hands into the steering wheel. “I pulled that belt off him, and he didn’t remember what he’d used it for, baby. He kept asking why I wanted it.”
“It’s been more than –”
“You goddamned mother remembered, but he didn’t.” Tony hissed out air through clenched teeth, “Fuck what an asshole.”
“I know,” I said. “An asshole that means nothing to me.”
He glanced at me but kept staring at the road.
“Tony,” I said again, not sure how to calm the furious man down.
I wasn’t angry or heartbroken, and it felt cleansing to realize that I hadn’t lied at all.
My parents really meant nothing to me.
“You need to be quiet for a little while, baby,” he said in a low, even voice. “I’m still pretty pissed off, but it’ll pass.”
“Okidoki,” I mumbled and turned to look at the girls.
Charlie bugged her eyes out toward me, and Chrissy was staring out the window, but I saw how her lips twitched with a smile, so I guessed they were both okay.
Tony suddenly stopped the car in the middle of a bridge, and I turned to stare at him. He raised a hand, made a huffing sound, and got out of the car.
“Is he allowed to stop here?” Charlie asked.
“I’m not going to ask him,” Chrissy said, and then we waited in silence.
Tony seemed to breathe deeply, and I was about to go and talk to him when he suddenly threw the buckle far away, and it disappeared into the river. Then he returned to the car, started it up again, pressed some buttons, and music suddenly filled the car.
It was Leo Sayer, and he was singing chirpily about how some unknown woman made him feel like dancing.
“Okay,” Tony said calmly. “Not pissed anymore. Who wants something to eat?”
I stared at him.
“You have a knife in your boot,” I said.
“Yup.”
I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t, and I decided that debating his choice of armory would be less than optimal.
“I’m hungry,” Charlie said into the silence.
“I could eat,” Chrissy said. “A salad would be good.”
“Not eating a fucking salad,” Tony muttered.
“Sushi?” Charlie asked, which got her a snort I assumed meant that Tony wasn’t in the mood for raw fish.
“Baby let’s just go home,” I said. “We’ll –”
“Yeah,” Tony said and hit some buttons, which put Finn on the loudspeaker.
“You good?” Finn said as a greeting.
“Yeah. A couple of shitheads were there.”
“Yeah?”
“Long story,” Tony said. “Is Addie working tonight?”
“Nope. You want dinner?”
“Yeah.”
“Right. Later,” Finn said.
“Later,” Tony echoed, closed the call, and said, “Girls?”
“Yes?”
“Family isn’t about blood. The shithead you met at the church might have shared a bit of his DNA with you, but he’s not family. That man on the phone, offering dinner and a safe place for us to go to after your Nana’s funeral? That’s family.”
I blinked my tears away and put a hand on his thigh, squeezing a little.
“Let’s go home,” I said.