Puzzle by Nora Phoenix

36

Calix blinked, unable to believe his ears. Surely he must’ve heard that wrong, and Del had not just announced he was done and walking away from it all. “Come again?”

“I’m not seeking a second term, Cal.”

Del’s voice was firm, laced with a finality that told Calix he’d made up his mind.

“I…I don’t understand.”

Rhett reached for his hand, and Calix took it, as much to signal to him he’d be okay as to seek comfort. Why had Del not spoken to him about such a crucially important decision?

Del looked around the room. “I know this will come as a shock to most of you…maybe even all of you. Rest assured that I’ve thought long and hard about this. I hope you’ll be willing to listen when I explain the why behind it.”

“Of course.” Calix’s voice joined in with others.

Del took a deep breath. “The first reason is that I’m tired. Exhausted. Ever since Sarah…I’m not sleeping well. Being president means running on pitiful amounts of sleep anyway, but for me, it’s even worse because I lie awake in bed for hours, unable to fall asleep. I miss her beside me in every way. The burden of the presidency is a heavy one, and I can’t bear it alone. If I were to go on, I know I’ll be killing myself slowly but surely. That’s not worth it.”

Calix had known Del had trouble sleeping, but he hadn’t realized it had gotten this bad. Guilt filled him. No one worked more closely together with Del than him. He should have seen this. He’d thought that Del had been drowning in the small stuff, which was why he’d hired Issa. And boy, had he made a difference. Del never had to worry about any of the details anymore. Issa took care of all that, lightening both their loads.

But at night, when Del went back to the residence, he was still alone…and Calix couldn’t help him there. He’d figured that with Kenn and Warrick staying there, plus Milan, Asher, and Denali, Del would have enough company to not feel lonely, but he should’ve known better. The nights had been the worst for him as well. Not having Matthew in his bed, waking up alone…it had broken his heart again and again.

“But the second reason and the one that sealed the deal for me is the knowledge of how this is impacting all of you.” Del gestured at Kenn, his eyes full of love. “I want you to be able to build your life with Warrick, kiddo. You belong together…and not under the same roof as me. You’re hiding the nature of your relationship as if what you have with Warrick is something to be ashamed of. It’s not. Love is beautiful, and you shouldn’t have to hide how much you love your Daddy…”

“Dad…” Kenn said, sounding shocked.

Del smiled at him. “Warrick has been patient, but asking him to continue this charade for another four years…or even another eight, considering I would be allowed to run once more, since my first term wasn’t a full one… I can’t ask that of him. Or of you. I want you to be happy, Kenn. More than anything in the world, I want that.”

Kenn was out of his chair in a flash, and Del was ready for him, hugging him as he whispered words to him no one else could hear. When they let go, Kenn’s cheeks were wet with tears. “I love you, kiddo. More than life itself.”

Del kissed his forehead.

“I love you too, Dad.”

Kenn walked to his seat again, but instead of sitting down on his own chair, he nestled on Warrick’s lap, a sign of how accepted he felt in this group.

Del breathed out a long, slow breath. “My son isn’t my only concern, though he is my biggest. The last year has been hell for all of us. We’ve been thrown into carrying a responsibility we may not have been ready for…”

He looked at Levar, who nodded.

“Or somewhat forced to quit our jobs…”

A meaningful gaze at Henley, then at Milan.

“While others have been doing work that’s been a heavy burden on them, especially mentally.”

Seth and Coulson shared a look, and then Seth dropped his head on Coulson’s shoulder. That simple gesture of leaning on his partner made Calix’s stomach weak for a moment. He’d always seen Seth as the strongest man he knew, but he was showing how depleted he was here.

“And let’s not forget the impact this has had on relationships. Rhett, I know you don’t get to spend as much time with Calix as you’d want, and the same is true for Henley with Levar. Both of you have had to endure many hours of being alone because your partner was working late…again.”

“I’m… I would never complain about that,” Rhett said. “I understand how important Calix’s work is to him.”

He was speaking the truth. Not once had he objected to Calix’s long hours, to him interrupting dinners and evenings at home, even sex, because this job needed him.

“I know you wouldn’t, honey,” Del said, and Calix’s heart warmed at that sweet endearment, proof of the tender feelings Del had for Rhett. He evoked that in almost all of them, that urge to protect him. “But I see it hurts you. You need him, and that’s valid and important.”

Rhett looked at Calix as if to check it was okay to acknowledge that. Calix leaned in for a quick kiss. “He’s right. You need me home a lot more than I’m able to manage.”

“B-but I don’t want you to sacrifice your career for me,” Rhett protested.

“I wouldn’t, sweetheart. It’s not a sacrifice when nothing brings me more pleasure than to be with you.”

“And that leads me to the three of you.” Del turned to Milan, Asher, and Denali. “Don’t think I don’t know the price the three of you are paying…”

“Del,” Milan said, but Del held up his hand and cut him off.

“No, let me finish. When you moved in to support Sarah, I was beyond grateful. She needed you, but frankly, so did I. Having you there to lean on, both you and Calix, has been the only reason I’m still standing. And after she died, you stayed…and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that. But I also know how much it costs you to be by my side and to hide what shouldn’t have to be hidden. All three of you. When your relationship leaked, you were made to feel like your love was something to be ashamed of, something dirty and improper. It’s not, and I deeply regret that you were forced to hide.”

“Please tell me you didn’t make your decision because of us,” Milan said, worry flashing in his eyes.

“And what if I did? What if the happiness and well-being of my son and my friends are more important to me than whatever duty people assume I have toward my country? Haven’t we sacrificed enough? Haven’t I?” Del’s voice broke near the end, and he took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. “I know how much change I could realize if I were to get reelected. But I’m not so arrogant to believe I’m the only one who could. It’s not even been a year for me, but I can’t do this for another four years. I can’t. It would kill me, physically and mentally.”

Calix’s heart hurt for his friend, and he gave Rhett’s hand a quick squeeze, then got up. On the other side of the table, Milan did the same, and they both rushed over and hugged Del. “It’s okay,” Calix whispered. “You’ve done enough.”

And then Del broke, his body shaking with violent sobs as he cried his heart out. Calix and Milan held him, meeting each other’s eyes over Del’s bowed head, understanding without words that this had been a long time coming and that he needed them. A breakdown like this wasn’t Milan’s forte, but he stood tall, holding on to Del as much as Calix did. The man had truly changed, and Calix had never been more proud of him.

“Let’s give them some privacy.”

That was Coulson, of course, and as always, everyone followed his lead, and the room emptied. That man was born to be in charge.

Calix had no idea how much time had passed when Del calmed down and the tears stopped flowing. Calix’s shirt was soaked from where Del had rested his head, but he couldn’t care less.

“How did you do it, Cal? How did you move on after Matthew?” Del’s small voice as he stepped out of Calix’s and Milan’s embrace broke Calix’s heart. His eyes were red-rimmed, and when he wiped his cheeks with an almost childlike move, Calix wanted to roll him in bubble wrap and keep him safe.

“I didn’t, not for a long time. Grieve comes and goes, and sometimes, it can hit you like a wave out of nowhere. It’ll be like this for a while, I’m afraid.”

Maybe not the best news, but he refused to lie to Del. Losing a partner was a blow that left deep wounds. Del would need time to recover from this, especially since he had so little opportunity to grieve.

“Yeah…” Del inhaled, removing the last of his tears from his eyes. “I was afraid that was the case.” He turned to Milan. “Do you think I’m making the right choice?”

Calix knew why Del asked Milan first. The man had no filter. Granted, he’d developed a new sense of tact and sensitivity since he’d gotten together with Asher and Denali, but he’d always be a straight shooter. Not that Calix wasn’t, but Del could count on Milan to give him the cold, hard truth.

“Yes.” Milan’s answer was fast and firm.

“Why?”

“Do you remember the conversation we had when Markinson approached you to be his VP?”

Del nodded. “You advised me against it.”

“You never dreamed of being president, Del. That was your father’s dream, your grandfather’s, but never yours. You accepted that role out of a sense of duty to your country, out of the knowledge you could be a trailblazer and make a difference, especially for all of us on the rainbow. But you never sought this. Even if Sarah hadn’t died, I still would’ve felt the same. Can you honestly say the presidency doesn’t feel like it’s crushing you? Like you can’t breathe? You already bucked against the system when you were a senator. Now you are the system. How could you ever be happy here?”

Calix had forgotten about Milan’s vehement opposition to Del accepting the vice presidency. He’d warned him from the start it would suffocate him, especially working under Markinson, who hadn’t been known for allowing his vice president a lot of leeway.

“Cal?” Del asked.

He squared his shoulders. “Milan is right. I didn’t see it back then, and I didn’t want to see it now, but he’s right.”

“I feel like I’m letting you down,” Del said softly. “You’re so good at this.”

“I am, but I can be just as great elsewhere. We both know that after this job, I’ll have my pick of board or consultancy positions. You were right with what you said earlier. Rhett needs me, and another four years of this wouldn’t be good for our relationship.”

The relief that filled Del’s expression was so stark a wave of guilt rolled over Calix. He should have seen this, should have picked up on this.

“Not to get all touchy-feely,” Milan said, rolling his eyes at himself, “but Delani taught me this… How do you feel about the idea of leaving this behind? He says that’s a great indicator whether you’re on the right path or not.”

Calix smiled. What an impact that boy had had on Milan. Calix would never have picked him for Milan, let alone with Asher, but those three were magical together, showing that love was beautiful and unexpected.

“All I feel is relief. Joy. Mixed in with a good dose of guilt, but that’s understandable. I have a job many people dream of, and to leave that behind voluntarily…”

“Sure, but there’s your answer. You deserve to be free and happy, Del. So throw all your political weight behind Joanna Riggs and help her become a trailblazer for women. She’s smart, she’s kind, and she’s a moderate, so she’ll have a broad appeal. She can win this…and you’d be free.”

Wow. Milan Bradbury as the voice of reason with some free political advice thrown in for good measure. Miracles really did still happen.