Hellbent Hero by Naomi Porter

16

Tara

MY HANDS WERE clasped together, steepled fingers pressed to my lips as if I was praying. Maybe I should send up a request to the man upstairs. I never tried it before. Didn’t really believe in an entity of a higher power the way Madeline did. My dad conversed with spirits. It creeped me out when I was a little girl. Made me afraid to even talk to myself. I feared becoming like him, an addict and mentally unstable. The saying the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree was always in the back of my mind. Nothing terrified me more. I shook at the thought of being like him, my lungs nearly collapsing in my chest… death might be kinder.

Dr. Kelly cleared her throat, a sign I’d zoned out.

“If there is a God, why is evil in the world? Why is there suffering?” Honestly, if there was a higher power, why not just make everything happy and peaceful?

“Do you really want a Bible lesson? It all began with Adam and Eve.”

“You’re a Christian, aren’t you?”

“This appointment isn’t about me, Tara. You made an emergency session. Let’s talk about what made you pick up the phone to call me.” She set her notepad down and considered me a long second. I’d been seeing Dr. Kelly since my freshman year of college. She knew me better than most. “Has your father contacted you?”

Tears pooled in my eyes and a softball size of emotion formed in my throat. Unable to speak, I hid my face behind my hands. Just admitting my dad was back in my life terrorized me.

“Have you seen him?”

“No. He called Saturday night.”

“And what did he say?”

I shook against the cushion of the chair, hands turning to ice, tears marking a path down my cheeks. Dr. Kelly passed a tissue box to me.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “He knows I have a kitten.”

“He told you as much?” She picked up her notepad and pen.

I wiped my runny nose. “Yes, in his demented roundabout way.”

“Have you gone to the authorities?”

“No. I can’t go to the sheriff. Then everyone will know about my past. I’m a respected teacher. My students and parents like me. I have friends. A life.” A sob choked me.

“Your past won’t change any of that, Tara. You were a child.”

“No! I’ll deal with him on my own.” I blew my nose and dried my eyes. The tremors in my body grew in strength. “He’s not the only reason I’m here.”

“Have you burned yourself?”

I knew she’d ask. Had talked to myself on the drive about how I’d answer. A little pep talk, if you will. Praising myself for making an emergency appointment right away, instead of sinking deeper into the darkness. I was prepared to own my shit. Or I thought I was.

I fidgeted with the edge of my safety blanket with my stomach in knots. I felt like I let her down.

Let me down.

I cleared my throat of the emotion bubbling in it. “Yes, I burned myself.” Just saying it made me frustrated with myself. I hated being weak. At the mercy of my emotions. Because of him.

We stared at each other. She issued me a slight nod to continue.

“But not because of my dad.” My chest felt like it would cave in as his name danced on my tongue. Hero wasn’t a road name, nor was he remotely close to a hero in a romance novel. Hero Fuentes was his given name.

His husky voice whispered in my ear, “I’m never letting you go.”

“Stop it,” I hissed.

Dr. Kelly’s confused expression had me pulling my blanket up to my nose.

Shit. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. I was sure I looked like a child trying to hide my face. My fuzzy blanket was necessary during these sessions. It brought me comfort when I spoke about uncomfortable things. It was a coping mechanism we put in place during one of the early sessions. I needed to feel safe in this office or I couldn’t handle how hard it was to dig up the past.

“What’s going on, Tara?” Dr. Kelly crossed her leg over her knee. Her slow, fluid movements calmed my anxious soul. She reminded me a bit of Audrey Hepburn. I remembered when we first got acquainted, she told me a story of when she was a little girl she wanted to be a ballerina. Her mother put her in ballet classes. She got to be the Sugar Plum Fairy in the Nutcracker. It was a dream come true for her.

I’d had a similar dream, except I wanted to be the Black Swan in Swan Lake. A knot formed in my throat, wishing I had a mother who took me to ballet lessons.

“He won’t leave me alone.” I wasn’t new to this. I wasn’t hearing Hero’s voice like the spirits my dad convened with. I was only remembering actual moments with Hero. Words he spoke that I wished had been true. I held onto the edge of the blanket as if it could give me strength. This irrational fear blistering my insides made me weak. Made me doubt my own sanity. If I could just open up, I’d be free so I could process the pain in my heart in a healthy way.

“Who?”

“Hero.”  Saying his name gave him life outside of my thoughts. Releasing it to Dr. Kelly nearly made me weep in my blanket. But I needed to take back control of my life. Persevere. Open up. Process. Then heal.

“And he is?” Dr. Kelly scribbled something on her notebook.

“A biker,” I blurted. “A dark, dangerous, lying biker.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. You met a biker? And he won’t leave you alone?” Dr. Kelly sat forward. “Can you elaborate on this?” Her gentle voice gave me courage. I was safe to speak freely with Dr. Kelly. She pushed her clear glasses up her nose and switched legs, crossing the other over her knee. I focused on her brown leather ankle boots. They looked new and expensive. Refined. Totally not my style.

“In my area, the Knight’s Legion MC rules. My best friend Maddy, remember her?” I was sure she did. I’d only mentioned her a gazillion times.

“Yes, of course. The singer.”

“That’s her. She married the president a couple of weeks ago. They’re having a baby.” I paused to catch myself before I told Dr. Kelly about the ordeal with the Dirty Hunters. The event wasn’t a secret. It’d been in the newspaper, and word had spread through Winters and Bastion Townships like a rampant virus. My identity and the others had been protected. But, even with doctor-patient confidentiality, I didn’t feel at liberty to tell her everything.

“I’ve heard about the MC. Hero is a part of it?”

“Yes…” I sucked in a breath. “We hooked up almost two months ago. I thought it was something more. Wanted it to be more, but it wasn’t.” I wiped away tears. “It was just sex.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Naturally this hurts because you hoped it would be more.”

I shook my head. The compassion in her voice hurt my soul.

“I should’ve known better. Bikers can’t be trusted.”

She tilted her head slightly. “But your best friend married one.”

“Storm is the exception.”

“Storm?”

“It’s his road name.”

“Ah, I see.”

“I know it sounds weird and messed up. It sort of is, I guess. It’s just… It’s just…” I fell apart sobbing again. “I… I’m so… so sad.” I buried my face in the blanket as I balled my eyes out.

“That’s good, Tara. Let it out. You’re sad. It’s okay to be sad. Remind your brain that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Keep going. You’re doing so well letting these feelings break free.”

“I miss him.” I waited a long time, not sure how much to tell her. I wasn’t just here because of him. If I wasn’t so fucked up from my dad then I would be in a better place to handle the Hero situation.

“What else are you feeling?” Dr. Kelly urged me on, wanting to fill in so much of the story I was leaving out.

“I’m angry with him for leaving me.”

“You’re angry at him. And what else is going on besides the sadness and the anger?”

I sniffled, drying my eyes on the blanket. “I hate him for lying to me. Manipulating me into thinking we would be something more.”

“Yes! And?”

I exhaled a shuttered breath. “I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Being alone. I don’t know where my dad is. Or what he wants. If Hero was with me, I feel like he would help me. Protect me.” Like when I was bound to the chair and gagged after the Hunter’s enforcer tried to rape me. I could not tell Dr. Kelly that part.

“But you said you hated Hero. So why would you want his help?”

“Because part of me trusted him. He may not be around, but Madeline’s husband might be able to do something. I just… I don’t want anyone to know I hurt myself or the reasons behind what I do. I’ve never told Maddy. All these years of friendship and I never told her. What if she feels betrayed? Or turned her back on me like everyone else?” I would die if I lost my best friend.

“It may take some time for her to adjust to hearing this from you. We don’t know how she will respond until you try telling her. If she’s your friend, she’ll support you. She’ll love you through this difficult time. We’ve discussed this before.”

“I don’t want pity.”

She shook her head. “Now, Tara, you know love and support is not pity.”

“She’ll look at me differently. I won’t be her badass, fiery redheaded bestie. I’ll be the damaged girl the kids at school used to make fun of.” I sat taller in the chair, finding my fight. I wouldn’t let that happen. I was stronger than what happened to me. “It’ll break Madeline’s heart to hear what I’ve been through and what I do to myself. She’ll cry. I hate to see her cry.”

“You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for others. Remember when we talked about this years ago? You don’t have to be a martyr. Let your friends help you if they can. Healthy relationships are a two-way street. There’s give and take.”

I tried to absorb her words. They made rational sense but I wasn’t there yet. I waved her off. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know.” I was never good at giving and taking. I only gave and never took. It was how I was raised to be.

I felt the shift into a healthier mental state inside me occur just as Dr. Kelly smiled. It felt warm in my soul like my blanket on my lap.

“I see the fire in you is returning.” She jotted something in her notebook.

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah.”

There was a time when my anxiety blew through the roof when Dr. Kelly scratched her thoughts down. Not anymore. She was excellent at her job. Helped me in immeasurable ways.

I felt better, despite how far I’d fallen back into my old ways. In the past, I would’ve beaten myself up about it. Slipped into a dark funk.

Not this time, though. My quick response showed strength. Yay me!

Her smile faded. “I have to ask. Have you hurt yourself?”

I hadn’t owned up about my recent incident. The time was now to do so. “Yes. But I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.”

My heart rate steadied as I drove into town after my session with Dr. Kelly in St. Cloud. The two-hour drive and hour-long appointment ate up my evening, but I didn’t care. It amazed me how light I felt after my session. I should make Dr. Kelly salted nut roll bars as a thank you for the first moment of peace since my night fucking Hero.

It was roasted peanuts, marshmallows, and a few other ingredients—a Minnesotan favorite. I’d made them for myself and Maddy a few times, when I missed my mom. Had even hummed the way she used to when in the kitchen. They were dear to me…

I pushed the insane thought out of my head. The bars were something my mom used to make me. I didn’t share them with just anyone. Salted nut roll bars were one of the only things I had left of her.

Jeez, could I be any more juvenile?

A scented candle would be better as a thank you—less personal.

Wanting to give the world to people who didn’t deserve it was a symptom of my broken past. Ever the giver. Like I was addicted.

Once an addict, always an addict.

I hadn’t realized how all the crap I’d recently been through had affected me.

The short time I lived on the compound taught me to keep my mouth shut about what I saw, not like Storm and the others ever talked about club business in front of the women. They were cavemen, every one of them. Stupidly handsome too. Sexy as fuck.

Jeez, grow a pair, Tara.

Instinctively, I knew better than to eavesdrop on conversations or gab about the MC to anyone. I just wished I felt comfortable telling Mads or Steph about my issues, instead of holding them all in. Confide in them about my downward spiral after what happened between Hero and me.

How could he do me so wrong? I honestly couldn’t wrap my brain around it.

Whatever. It’s over. We’re over… even before we started.

I had more urgent worries, like the strange call from my dad. My stomach was still in knots, but I was dealing with them. During my appointment, Dr. Kelly had urged me to get a restraining order. She was concerned for my safety and that I might sink deeper into the darkness of NSSI.

But, I refused to regress back to burning my skin every week. The ritual of it all was an addiction. The blistering pain gave me comfort. It wiped away the sadness, leaving me with a marred body.

Self-harm was a vicious cycle. I had a fleeting moment of relief and peace. Not long afterward, regret set in. I’d then battle guilt for what I had done. I’d sink further, succumbing to the torment of my thoughts. I’d abuse myself to stop it from ravaging my insides. I’d end up on a wash, rinse, repeat cycle that made my self-harm in better shape than my hair. Sometimes it’d only last a few days. Sometimes for weeks. Sometimes I wondered if I could ever stop.

All of this had been before I met Maddy in college.

I slammed my hand on the steering wheel. I’d done so well the last six and half years. I was productive, loved my job, and my students adored me. I was Maddy’s badass best friend.

I was Roja.

I was supposed to be his.

Fuck Hero Fuentes.

“I hate you for breaking me, you son of a bitch!” I screamed, releasing more tension. “I hate you.” I almost felt like my sassy, badass self again. “A hard fuck would be spectacular right now.” Just to help me forget the spicy Latino biker who’d messed me up.

For a second, I considered driving past my street to go to the Wild Hog. Maybe one of the twins would be there. What was his name? That night I’d made out with him on the dance floor while Steph was with his identical twin, it made me hot just thinking about it. But thoughts of that damn Hero had ruined my chances with… What was his name? I guessed he was forgettable. It didn’t matter. I’d changed my mind about hooking up for apparently no damn good reason.

Turning on to my darkened street, the hairs on my arms prickled.

It was almost seven o’clock but felt much later the way the inky sky absorbed all the light.

A groan spilled from my lips. How could I forget to leave the porch light on? At least I’d left the lamp on in the living room. My poor Luna, she probably wondered what happened to me. I was usually home by four.

I parked in my small driveway. It was more like a parking pad. No garage. Just a space to separate my lot from the neighbor’s. Before exiting my car, I scanned my surroundings. Most of the trailer homes had lights on inside. On the outside, some were decorated to the hilt for Halloween, like they couldn’t clean up the decorations if they wanted to. I didn’t care for the holiday. Hopefully, now that the ghoulish festivities had passed, people would break out Christmas decor. A few on my street put twinkling lights on their homes early, due to the cold.

Everything looked normal, sans for the electric blue Chevy pickup across the street. My neighbor must have company.

Opening my car door, I thanked my lucky stars I hadn’t been followed by one of Storm’s prospects. Hard to believe he’d respected my wishes. I liked him a little more for it.

Copper. I could remember his name. Much more memorable than the Wild Hog twin.

I shivered, making my way to the door. There was a bite in the air. We were getting down to twenty-six degrees tonight, but no snow. As long as the winds didn’t pick up, I’d be fine. Unfortunately, my tin can house wasn’t insulated well. Maybe it was time to look into a better heater. I wondered if I could afford it.

Something didn’t feel right as I stepped closer to the door. As much as I felt peaceful after my visit with Dr. Kelly, my heart wouldn’t stop racing as I inched toward my porch.

I rechecked my surroundings. Paranoid much? It’s just dark. Dark doesn’t mean dangerous.

Although I knew I was paranoid. Hell yes, I was, after my dad called and so casually mentioned Luna. The only way he’d know I had a cat was if he’d been watching me. Shit, he could be spying on me this second. I hurried as I inserted the key into the lock.

The door flew open, unbidden.

“Ahh!”