The First Rule by Nicole S. Goodin

20

Ryan

There’sa knock at the door. I consider just yelling out, “fuck off.” But I know I shouldn’t.

It’s not the world’s fault my life is a train wreck.

I get up from the couch, dodging the empty pizza boxes and bottles of Coke. This house is a fucking mess. I’m a fucking mess. I haven’t showered in two days. I don’t know when I last put on deodorant or ate something that wasn’t predominantly made of cheese.

Whoever is on the other side of my door is in for a treat.

There’s another knock as I reach it. “Yeah, yeah, I’m coming,” I mutter as I swing it open.

It’s just some young kid. I scowl at him. “Yeah?”

“Mr. Steele?” he questions.

“Depends on who’s asking.”

He shifts his weight nervously from one of his feet to the other. “I ah, I’m Kenny, I work at Automotive Plus… did no one let you know your vehicle had arrived?”

I hear blood whooshing in my ears.

Fuck.

I completely forgot about it. I haven’t checked my emails all week either, so somebody probably did let me know, but I’ve been in no state to comprehend anything.

It’s only then that I notice the brand new, shiny, black sedan parked in my driveway.

The car I bought for Darcy.

I didn’t think it was possible, but I feel my heart crack open a fraction wider.

Kenny clears his throat, no doubt trying to get my attention so he can do his job and then get the fuck out of here – away from the crazy, stinky man in front of him.

I can’t pull my eyes off the car.

She should be here. I should be showing her what I got for her and our baby to get around in. We should be happy, celebrating this new thing in our lives.

But we’re not.

“So here are the keys,” the poor bastard states.

I finally look back to him, my arm coming up robotically to take the two sets of keys he drops into my palm.

“I need you to sign here, please.”

He holds out a clipboard.

I glance at his face again. I remember him now. I chewed his ear off about Darcy and the baby and everything that was going so great in my life.

The irony.

Now he probably thinks I’ve got them chopped in pieces in a chest freezer in the basement. I’m probably giving off some serial killer vibes right now.

I take the pen from him and scrawl my signature on the line.

“I’m meant to show you around the vehicle.”

He glances behind him, and I follow his line of sight to where, who I assume is his colleague, is waiting in another vehicle.

“I won’t tell if you won’t,” I deadpan.

He chuckles, nervous.

I feel bad for the kid. He’s probably waiting for me to hit him with a chloroform-covered rag.

“Thanks,” I say as he unclips my copy of the paperwork and hands it to me.

He nods, then scarpers like a cat on a hot tin roof, hightailing it across my front lawn and into the waiting car without so much as a backwards glance.

I step backwards, being careful not to let my eyes meet the vehicle that will never have the woman of my dreams behind the wheel.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do with it now.

I can’t sell it. It’s hers. It’s in her name, and even if it wasn’t – it just wouldn’t feel right to part with it. But I can’t keep it here either, looking at it every day will just depress me further.

I shut the door and drop the keys and papers to the floor.

I need to take a shower. I need some sleep.

I amble down the hallway, heading for the bedroom, when I stop.

I don’t know why I do it, but I stop outside the closed door of the nursery. Rebel shut the door to this room the day Darcy left me, but she may as well not have bothered. It’s not as though I could forget what lies behind it. I could bleach my retinas and I’d still see this room in my mind.

I turn the handle and let the door slowly swing open.

It’s exactly as we left it. Perfect.

I swallow deeply and cross the threshold into the room.

This is torture. She should be here with me. They should be here with me.

I shouldn’t have let her leave, certainly not with him.

I should have fought. I should have done more.

I reach the cot and run my fingers over the bars. My baby was meant to sleep here one day.

The thought breaks me – sends me to my knees.

I haven’t once cried. In fact, I can’t recall ever crying since I was a little kid, but I’m crying now. Tears are streaming down my face and my chest feels like it has a gaping hole in the middle of it, right where my heart used to be. Because the reality is, she took that with her the day she packed up and walked out.

She took the most important part of me with her, and I know I’ll never get it back. Life will go on, but I’ll never recover – I’ll never be the same.

I’m startled by a loud, guttural noise. It takes me a minute to realise it’s come from my own mouth. Sobs are racking my body, shaking me to the core. My head feels light, like I’m spinning… I can’t get enough oxygen.

“Breathe.”

My eyes snap up, and I find Rebel crouching in front of me.

I haven’t got the faintest idea where the hell she came from or how long she’s been there, but her voice is probably one of the only ones that could reach me right now.

“Breathe,” she says again.

I try to suck in more air, but it feels like I’m choking on it.

“Easy,” she warns.

I try again, and more successfully this time.

“That’s it. Nice and steady. In and out.”

I don’t know how long we stay there like that. Her encouraging me, her hand never leaving my shoulder.

She stays with me until my breaths are regular and my heart rate is steady.

I sigh heavily.

She rocks back and sits down on her butt next to me. “You wanna talk about it?” she asks after minutes of silence stretch on.

I don’t, but I don’t see how it can make it any worse at this point, so I do.

“Her car arrived today.”

She nods. “It’s a pretty sweet ride.”

“I’m losing my mind without her, Rebel.”

She doesn’t say anything, just leans her head on my shoulder in a show of support.

“What are you doing here anyway?” I say after we’ve been quiet a while.

“I came to tell you that we won. Best new business is us, Ry, we did it.”

She holds up her phone and shows me a news article, naming us as the overall winner of one of the most competitive categories. This city’s most prestigious business award.

I feel something other than pain for the first time in far too long.

“I’m sorry we missed it.”

I didn’t attend – obviously I wasn’t up to it, and Rebel refused to go without me. I feel awful now; I wish I’d had the strength.

“I’m glad we didn’t go,” she replies.

“Why?” I question, my voice hoarse.

“She was there, Ry, with him. I saw photos.”

And just like that, the little bit of pride and joy I felt over our win is washed away.

She was there… with him.

“I want to see.”

“She looks like shit.”

“Show me,” I demand.

“I’m not sure that’s a –”

“Show me,” I repeat.

She sighs heavily, but does as I ask, scrolling through her phone before tapping on something and then turning the screen in my direction.

It’s Jacob and Darcy alright. He’s wearing a suit, and Darcy is at his side, wearing a floor-length, dark blue dress that shows off her killer figure and growing bump.

Rebel was wrong, she’s utterly breathtaking, but she looks thin – frail, and her eyes are holding so much pain it physically hurts my chest.

I run my finger over the screen, and Rebel leans her head on my shoulder once more. I rest my head on top of hers and we sit there, together, leaning against the empty cot, her keeping me from falling apart as I stare at the image of the woman I love with the man I hate.

* * *

“That’s it.I can’t fucking take this moping around shit anymore. We need to figure this out and it needs to be now, I’m too pretty for prison and I’ve contemplated offing you at least three times this morning alone.” Rebel points her finger at me menacingly as she storms through the door to our shared office and slams the door shut behind her.

I’ve been waiting for this outburst from her, and honestly, given the absolute sack of shit I’ve been, I deserved it much sooner, doesn’t mean I’m going to take it lying down.

It’s been nearly two weeks since the day she found me at home, breaking, and I don’t know that I’m any better now than I was then. I don’t give a fuck about showering, I am off the couch and have expanded my diet to include Chinese takeout, but I’m not okay – I’ve just gotten slightly better at pretending I am.

“I thought you’d be dancing in the street,” I snap back at her. “You never liked Darcy anyway, I assumed you’d be the first one lined up to say, ‘I told you so’.”

I’m being a prick, I know it, but she’s pushing my buttons. She’s been patient, so patient, but it seems today is the day that patience has finally run out. Well, she can join the fucking queue, because mine is well and truly run out too. If she’s looking for a fight, she’ll get one. I need to feel again – anything. And if the only way I can feel is by going to war with her, then so be it.

“I know I haven’t exactly been her biggest cheerleader.” Her voice is soft – not what I was expecting.

My anger all but evaporates when I see her face and the genuine worry and concern written all over it. Rebel is a lot of things, but I know she’d go to hell and back for me. She’s a good friend.

I raise a brow at her.

“Okay fine, I was a total bitch to her.”

“You were a bitch who’d sucked on a ‘fuck you’ lollipop,” I amend.

“Whatever, we’ve already had this argument.” She rolls her eyes. “That’s not important right now. But look, I’m not even sure I like the chick, and even I can see that something doesn’t add up here. She’s in love with you, Ryan, it was as plain as day to see. I never want to see you get hurt, and I can’t say I didn’t have my doubts about her based on the situation, but she really does love you. I just know. I’ve been waiting until you had your shit together enough to see sense, but since that’s not happening anytime soon, we’re going to do this now. That girl loves you. Women don’t just walk out on the man they love for no good reason.”

I’d thought so too. Darcy looked at me with so much love in her eyes. I really thought we were going to make it.

“Obviously you’re wrong.”

“Doubtful.” The retort is quick.

I manage a small chuckle at that. Rebel has a lot of strengths, but admitting that she might ever be wrong is not one of them.

“You said she was beside herself when she left – that it felt like she was rehearsing lines.”

I nod. That’s exactly what it was like. I’ve relived those moments hundreds of times, and I can see now that leaving was the last thing she wanted to do. It was as though she was lying to me, but I can’t figure out why she would. She left with Jacob of all people.

She shrugs, not understanding that piece of the puzzle either. “You can’t just do nothing.”

“If it’s what she wants then it’s what I have to do.”

“And what about the baby? Even if Darcy has gone off the reservation, you’re that kid’s dad.”

My words get caught in my throat as I think about even considering never meeting my child, but I choke them out anyway. “I told her there were no conditions. If she doesn’t want me to be in their lives, then I have to respect that.”

She ignores me. It sounds like bullshit even to my ears, so I can’t exactly blame her. I know I told Darcy that, but that was before. Things have changed, everything is different now and there’s so much more at stake.

“Exactly how big of a prick is your brother?” She’s pacing the room now, classic behaviour from Rebel when she’s trying to figure something out.

“Imagine the biggest prick you’ve ever met,” I suggest.

“Doing it.”

“Now go up about twenty levels and you might come close.”

She stops pacing and stares at me. “I think he’s behind all of this. Maybe he’s forced her to go back somehow.”

I’ve been hurt to the point of breaking, so much so that I’ve barely been able to think straight, but I have considered that he’s manipulating Darcy in some way – one of my 3am conspiracy theories. But it makes no sense. She owes him nothing. He has nothing over her. There’s no reason for her to go back to him other than love or desire.

“Maybe she really does love him. Maybe I was just the closest replacement – only good enough until the real deal came back and claimed his spot.”

“Oh, fuck off,” she snaps, clearly tired of my pity party for one. “I smell a rat. Something is off and you know it.”

I shrug.

She’s one hundred percent right, but I’m not sure I can afford to think that way. If I try – if I do something about it and I’m wrong, and she really does love him, I’d have to relive this heartbreak all over again, and I’m not sure I’m built of strong enough shit to survive another round.

“What does your gut tell you?” Rebel asks gently.

I know what it tells me. The same thing it’s told me every second since she walked out the door.

I sigh. “That she needs me.”

She nods her head, one short, sharp bob, my words confirming what her instincts had already told her. “Then pick up your bottom lip and go figure out what needs to be done.”

She’s right. I hate that she is, but she’s so fucking right.

I stand up, a new wave of hope flowing through me.

“And for the love of all things holy, take a shower.”

I smirk at her, and it’s the first real smile that’s crossed my face since Darcy walked out of my life.