The First Rule by Nicole S. Goodin

29

Darcy

“Holy. Fucking. Shit.”

“I know.” I sigh.

“Holyfuckingshit.” She repeats it so quickly that the words run into one another.

“I know.” I roll my eyes.

I know it’s a shock, I get it. Obviously, but I’m getting a little bit over the dramatic reaction from Steph. She’s done nothing but curse and make ridiculous facials for the past twenty minutes.

“You know, if I knew all you could offer was to drop a bunch of f-bombs and give absolutely no constructive advice, I wouldn’t have bothered making you come home from work.”

“Oh, take a day off, this is insane, I need to process. This is my process.”

I can’t help but laugh at her, however exasperating it might be for me. She’s not entirely wrong. I did just dump a hell of a lot on both her and Freya, but still. I need them to give me something helpful.

Freya has barely said a word, she’s just been sitting next to me, holding my hand in silent support. I actually don’t know what’s worse, her complete lack of reaction, or Steph’s over-the-top one.

I called a taxi from the Steele Industries offices, went straight back to Jacob’s apartment, packed my shit and left – for good. I even left the taxi running outside so it could take me straight to Freya’s and out of that five-star hell hole.

The look of relief on Freya’s face when I knocked on the door, bag in hand, is something I’ll never forget.

I knew I’d been worrying my best friends, and rightfully so, but it probably hadn’t sunk in just how concerned they really were for me. I can’t even imagine watching either of them go through something like this, knowing there’s nothing I could do to help.

“I can’t believe he has a kid.” That’s Freya. Finally.

“I know,” I whisper. “I got the impression he has nothing to do with him. He didn’t even know how old he was… What kind of man can know he has a son out there and want nothing to do with him?”

“A prick like Jacob,” Steph replies, flopping down next to me and casually laying a hand on my belly. “You’re huge, by the way.”

I shake my head in amusement. “Gee thanks.”

She rolls her eyes dramatically. “You know what I mean. I’d put my money on this kid popping out early. There’s no way you’re going to last another four weeks.”

I’ve been thinking the same thing. The size of my bump, my level of discomfort and the twinges I’ve been feeling in my back these past few days all indicate that I’m likely to go into labour early, but I’m hardly an expert on the matter, so I could be completely wrong.

“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see,” I murmur.

The thought of going into labour and having this baby without Ryan by my side makes me feel like my throat is closing up, but I can’t be around him right now. Not until I figure this all out.

“What did Ryan say when you left?”

I nibble on my bottom lip as I think about it. The expression on his face has been doing a loop through my brain ever since I turned and walked away from him. He looked broken, but he respected me enough to allow me to do what I needed to do.

That’s the difference between Ryan and Jacob – one of the many differences at that.

Well, that’s what I thought to be true. Now I’m not so sure. My whole life feels like a lie.

“Nothing,” I reply. “He just let me go.”

“Huh,” Steph muses. “Can I just point out a silver lining here for a second?”

“Shoot.”

“At least you know with one hundred percent certainty that your kid’s dad isn’t that absolute prick… like don’t get me wrong, he’s a total nob for getting his balls snipped and not telling you, but the world doesn’t need any more Jacob Steeles, ya know? It’s a real positive.”

“Preach,” I reply.

“I’m sure the stripper and the secret kid would have been enough bargaining power to get him to leave you alone, but you always would have wondered which one was the father of your baby. I’m glad you don’t have that worry.”

I’m glad too. The idea that Jacob fathered this child, as unlikely as that might be, still kept me awake at night far too many times. She’s right. I probably would have always wondered.

“You know what you should do?”

“Dare I ask?” I mutter.

“You should blackmail Jake for millions and then disappear to Mexico and get yourself a toy boy.”

A giggle slips through my lips.

“For fuck’s sake, Steph, don’t make me knock some sense into you.” Freya shakes her head in disbelief.

Steph erupts into laughter. “Oh please, you couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat.”

“That’s a lie and you know it. I’ve been taking those combat classes at the gym.”

“Yeah, for two whole weeks. I’m shaking over here,” Steph teases.

I feel tears welling in my eyes.

“Now look what you’ve done,” Freya scolds Steph as a drop of moisture rolls down my cheek.

I shake my head. “They’re happy tears. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed you both so much.”

Freya gives me a small smile, the banter with Steph forgotten, and rests her head on my shoulder. Steph does the same on the other side, and finally I feel some of the stress leave my tense body.

These girls are such a rock-solid support fixture in my life, I don’t know how I got so lucky.

We sit there like that for a long time. Them comforting, me thinking. All of us, together.

“You love him,” Freya says after a long period of silence in which my tears have run dry.

I don’t have to ask who’s she’s talking about; we all know it’s Ryan, not Jacob. It was never about Jacob. It hasn’t been about Jacob for a long time now.

Sure, I’m hurt by his actions, he betrayed me back then when he should have been loyal, but he doesn’t have any bearing on my life anymore. I’m free of him. He can’t hurt me because there’s nothing left there – I don’t love him anymore.

My heart is held by a completely different man.

Looking at the two of them side by side today, I can’t believe I ever mistook one for the other. They’re so different. Ryan’s eyes, his expression, his energy is soft and warm… Jacob’s is harsh and indifferent. Ryan looks at the world with wonder – Jacob looks at it with critical eyes. They might have been born identical, but they’re virtually strangers now.

“I love him,” I confirm.

And apparently, he’s loved me for years.

“You need to let him in, D. He loves you. He never meant to hurt you.”

I know this. I know he never set out to cause me pain, but the unfortunate reality is that he has. I know he must have been hurting himself, seeing me with Jacob after the night we shared, but he could have said something. He should have said something.

That night… that was something else. I’ve never felt a connection so instant, so intense, that quickly. He felt like home within a space of minutes.

Five years ago:

He’s standing so close to me, my head is spinning – it could be the drinks, but I doubt it. I’ve been drunk more times than I can count, and it’s never felt like this.

He lowers his head a fraction, gauging my reaction to his proximity.

I tilt my chin up towards him, welcoming him closer.

I’ve been waiting all night for him to kiss me.

We’ve talked and talked – about everything and nothing, it’s so effortless with him, it seems too good to be true.

God, I want him to kiss me.

His lip curves up at the corner as though he can read the thoughts going through my head and is amused by them.

He’s so handsome… that kind of gorgeous you only see on social media through a heavy filter. But there’s no filter here.

“You alright, Barbie?” he murmurs as he winds his hand around the back of my neck and into my hair.

I nod.

My breath hitches as he bumps his nose against mine.

He smells like whiskey and deliciousness.

He’s so close, I can feel the warmth of his breath on my face, but he’s not close enough, not yet.

His tongue darts out to moisten his lips and my belly flips.

He leans in… and someone yelling “wooooo! Bear pong!” crashes into us.

I hear him chuckle as he steadies me. The moment is lost, but I can’t be too mad about it. I know damn well we’ll get another one – I’m not going to let this one get away.

“I need the bathroom,” he tells me, his eyes looking over every inch of my face before meeting my gaze. “Wait right here, okay?”

“Where would I possibly go?” I tease.

He runs his thumb down my cheek, gives me one last, longing look and then heads for the bathroom.

Less than fiveminutes later he was taking my hand and dragging me out the door behind him.

Only now I know it wasn’t him at all. It was Jacob.

* * *

“Not that Idon’t appreciate the fact that you’re eating again, but you haven’t done anything but eat in two days, D. I think it might be time to put down the ice cream and go get your man.”

She’s right, I know she’s right. I miss Ryan like crazy and knowing that I’m free to see him whenever I want, but we’re still not together, is driving me mad, but the reality is that I’m scared. Terrified even.

Every time I open my heart to someone, I get hurt, and that scares me.

“I know. I’m being a baby.”

She reaches out and takes the tub of ice cream from my hands. I scowl at her but give it up. She’s right, I’ve made up for two months of barely eating by stuffing my face for two days straight. I feel sick.

“You’re not a baby, you’re afraid, and that’s fair enough. You’re allowed to be pissed, you can yell at him, cry… do whatever you want… but just do something, please, for the love of God, do something other than sit on my couch like a sack of shit.”

I giggle at her exasperated tone. “Tell me how you really feel.”

She huffs out a laugh. “Look, I love you, D, but you and I both know you’re not going to let this ruin what you have with him, so just get on with it. You’re having a baby together… Ryan will be going stir crazy without you. Put the poor man out of his misery.”

I hate the thought of him hurt or upset. I also hate the thought of my life without him.

We belong together, I know we do. We just need to sort out these minor details and we’ll make it. I know we can make it.

“Okay.” I nod. “I’ll go and talk to him.

“Finally, she sees the light.” She reaches up to the sky dramatically. “Let’s go, I’ll drive you myself before you can change your mind.”

I flip her off and then extend my hand to her to help me off the couch. I’m not about to turn down a ride.

My belly tightens uncomfortably as she gently helps me up – I rub at it until the feeling eases.

I can feel my not-so-little peanut squirming around. “Not much room left in there, huh, baby,” I muse.

I go and check my reflection in the mirror, making sure my outfit looks alright, even though there’s only so much you can wear when you’re the size of a house, but I want to look as good as I can when I see Ryan again.

I start waddling towards the door – because that’s the only realistic way to describe my walk these days – when another wave of pain hits me.

“Urgh.” I groan. “Man, this kid is giving me a hard time today.”

Freya eyes me sceptically. “Are you okay?”

I realise I’m almost doubled over. I slowly straighten as the tension fades. “I’m alright. Let’s go.”

I only make it into the basement, to the side of Freya’s car before it happens again.

Freya glances at her watch. “Ah, so… I don’t mean to alarm you… but I think you might be in labour.”

“No way, it’s just a bit of discomfort,” I argue.

“It’s a lot of discomfort, every five minutes. Now, I might not be a midwife, but I am a nurse, and I’m telling you, you’re in labour.”

“Shit,” I mutter. “I’m four weeks early.” My voice trembles.

I’ve been waiting for this baby to come, I’ve been fully prepared to meet him or her early, but now that it might actually be happening, I’m terrified. Four weeks is a long time in terms of baby growing. I also don’t have my shit together at all. I’m not ready.

Her expression softens. “It’s okay. Let’s just get you to the hospital and they’ll check everything for you okay.”

“What about Ryan?”

Suddenly I don’t care about all the revelations of the past week. I just want Ryan. I want to feel like I’m safe.

“I’ll call him from the car,” she reassures me as she opens my door and tries to usher me in. I don’t move, I’m starting to panic.

“I don’t even have a baby bag.”

She looks at me sympathetically.

“We don’t know that the baby is coming yet, but we do need to get you checked out. Let’s just get there. One step at a time. I can get anything the baby needs if and when.”

“Okay.” I nod. I take a step towards the open door before pausing again.

“I don’t have my birth plan.”

She tries to refrain from rolling her eyes but fails spectacularly. “It’s exiting your body one way or another, what happens between now and then is nothing you can plan for, trust me.”

I nod again, wide-eyed. “Okay.” I still don’t move.

“I love you, D, but get in the car. If I have to call Ryan and tell him that you’ve given birth to a premature baby in a basement carpark because I couldn’t get you to hop in the goddamn car, he’s going to kill me.”

“Okay,” I repeat, like a skipping record, but this time when she helps me into the seat, I let her.

I’m strapped in and we’re heading down the block in the direction of the hospital before the next, what I now assume to be a contraction, hits.

“Oh man.” I groan. “They’re getting worse.”

“I’m calling Ryan,” she says as she hits the phone button on her steering wheel.

“Hey, Freya.” Ryan’s voice fills the car after only a few short rings.

“Ryan, hey, so listen, Darcy seems to be having contractions, we’re on our way to the hospital but she doesn’t have anything with her, and I don’t know who your doctor is.”

“She’s in labour?” His voice sounds robotic. “Right now?”

I watch the colour return to my knuckles as I release the death grip I had on the handle of the car. My breath comes in heavy pants.

Freya glances at me before looking back at the road.

“Sure seems that way,” she confirms. “She’s just had another contraction, she’s pretty uncomfortable.”

That seems to spur him into action. “Why didn’t you call me?!”

Freya sighs. “I’m calling you right now, and I really need you to keep your cool, for Darcy.”

“Sorry, sorry,” he mutters. “I just… is she okay?”

“I’m fine,” I answer him. And I am, I’m one hundred times calmer just for hearing his voice.

“Darcy,” he breathes. “I’m coming, okay, princess? I’ll be there soon with everything for you and the baby, and I’ll call Dr. Davis on my way.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, my emotions on overload.

“I love you, Darce. You and that baby are my whole world, and I’m so sorry if you’ve ever felt otherwise.”

“I love you too,” I reply softly.

“You guys are so cute,” Freya gushes. “But we’ve got to go, we’re just pulling into the carpark.”

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” he promises before the call ends.

Fifteen minutes.

I can manage fifteen minutes, and then Ryan will be here, and we can figure the rest out together. I just have to get through the next fifteen minutes.

Freya parks the car and kills the engine before looking at me. “You ready?”

I take a deep breath, then nod. I doubt anyone is ever really ready, but I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.