Dear Mr. Brody by A.M. Johnson

Donovan

“Hey.” Parker smiled at me from my office doorway, and I still couldn’t get over how good he looked in his dark-washed jeans and steel gray button down. He’d had his appointment with Anders today, and I thought it was cute that he’d dressed up like it was a job interview. “You ready to get out of here?”

“How did it go?” I asked, closing my laptop.

He walked in and shut the door behind him. “I think it went well. Anders is fucking intense.”

I laughed as I stood, wrapping my arms around his waist. He leaned on the edge of my desk as I pressed a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth, to his jaw, below his ear. “Did I tell you how much I like you in this shirt?”

He buried his nose in my neck and inhaled. “Yeah, about a dozen times since I got here.”

Leaning back, I ran my hands up his chest. “We should go out to dinner to celebrate.”

“You don’t even know what Anders said.” He bit the corner of his lip, his smile giving him away.

“I already know he wants to sign you, Park. You wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

“Then, I guess we should celebrate.”

“You decided to sign?” I asked, and he nodded. “Parker, that’s—”

“Fucking crazy.” His smile fell and he lowered his head. “The shit I write… it’s bits and pieces of the stuff I have in my head. What if I can’t ever write an entire book?”

“He’ll help you. Push you when you need it.” I rested two fingers under his chin and lifted his head. “You can do this.”

“I want to believe that.”

“Anders is only a facilitator. Write what you want, Parker. You don’t owe anyone anything. If you never write a book, or if you write twenty. Do it for you and no one else.”

He cupped the back of my neck, his eyes falling to my mouth. “We don’t have to go out.”

“I want to take you out.”

He kissed my bottom lip, the heat of his breath sweet against my skin as he spoke. “A real date, in public and everything?”

I rested my forehead against his. “I should have taken you out sooner.”

“Van…” He framed my face in his hands, his blue eyes boring into mine. “We’re midterm, soon it will be finals week, after that you can take me wherever the fuck you want. I don’t care about where we eat food, as long as you’re there, I’m happy.”

“We can—”

Parker’s mouth captured mine with a hungry kiss, a low groan rumbling in his chest as his hands threaded through my hair. His hold tugged at my scalp, and I pressed against him. I was already hard for him, my cock brushing his thigh. I thought about what it would be like to be on my knees for him, here, in my office, behind my desk. Heat gathered along my groin, my heart beating faster and faster, the voice in my head whispering, ask him for it, ask him for it, as his mouth opened and our tongues swept against each other. He tasted like mint, and Parker, and God, I loved the way he took what he wanted. I wanted to be that bold. I wanted to sink to my knees and—

There was a soft knock on my door, and I broke away from his mouth. His cheeks were red, his pupils dilated as he stared back at me.

“Just a second,” I said, and Parker laughed, dropping his face to my shoulder.

He lowered his hand between us, cupping my erection, and I shuddered. “Better do something about this before you open that door.”

He palmed me again and I squeezed his ass. “You’re making it worse.”

Parker raised his head, grinning. “I know.”

“Just letting you know I’m heading out for the evening,” Kris said, and I could have sworn there was a smile in her voice. “Let Parker know I’ll send him the contract on Monday.”

I cleared my throat, gripping Parker’s waist as he stroked me through my pants. “I… um… Thanks, Kris.”

“You two have a nice evening,” she said, and my face flushed.

I exhaled a harsh breath and grabbed his wrist. “Anders is still here.”

“You told me he and Ethan are always fucking around in his office.”

“I mean… I don’t know, but—”

Parker laughed again and it was soft and warm. “Still want to take me to dinner, or should we just get take-out?”

I kissed him deeply, ignoring the sharp ache he’d created. Breathless, I smiled as I shook my head. “We’re going out.”

“If we must,” he teased, and I kissed the corner of his fake frown before I stepped away.

“I have to pick up Anne from her afterschool program and drop her off at Lanie’s studio. Then we can grab whatever you want.”

“She should come with us.”

“On a date?” I asked, shoving my laptop into my bag.

Parker watched me, shrugging, he asked, “Why not? There’s the Fall Festival at Centennial Park. They probably only have carnival food, but it could be fun.”

Like a deer in the headlights, I stood silent and still, my throat tight as I counted away my nerves. His smile was crooked, his eyes a little shiny as he waited for my response. He’d been sweet to Anne the handful of times he’d been around her, but this—he wanted to include her, and I had no idea why it was hitting me as hard as it was, but this gesture settled something inside me. It felt permanent, and that had to be premature. It had to be. Because this was supposed to be just dating. It was supposed to be feeling out what I wanted, exploring my sexuality, but it had become more. Every free night I’d had I’d given to Parker, and I didn’t mind it. I wanted it. Needed it. Needed him.

Raising my bag onto my shoulder, I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “She’d love that. I’ll have to run it by Lanie first.”

“Yeah, alright.” He eyed me, curiosity blooming inside his irises. “Everything…okay?”

“Yeah… everything’s okay.” I laced our fingers together. “Ready to stuff yourself sick with greasy carnie food?”

“Lead the way.”

The air smelled like cinnamon and sugar and fried flour with a lingering tinge of tobacco smoke. Centennial Park was packed, which was expected for a Friday night. We were a long way from Winchester, and I didn’t think anyone would recognize us, but it was good Anne was with us. I didn’t get to do stuff like this with her very often, and it helped keep up appearances since I couldn’t hold his hand or kiss him in front of her. We didn’t look like a couple. Which shouldn’t have bugged me, but it did. It would be nice to have his hand in mine, or to kiss him when he said something sweet to Anne. I almost did when he’d won her a stuffed elephant at one of the booths. This was a test in patience, and it made the sacrifice Parker had made for those four years he’d served that much more poignant.

“Look, Dad, I can win a fish,” she said and tore her hand from mine. She ran toward a gleaming yellow booth with a red sign that had an orange goldfish painted on it.

“Should we tell her these fish are already half dead?” Parker asked in a whisper.

“I’ll let you crush her dreams.”

He bumped my shoulder, his fingertips grazing my arm. Goosebumps covered my skin, and it had nothing to do with the cool temperature outside.

“Parker,” Anne called back at us. “You have to win me a fish.”

“I’ve been replaced,” I said, feigning offense. “Kids are so easily swayed. All it takes is a fluffy stuffed animal and it’s all over.”

He chuckled and held out his hand. “By all means, professor, win the girl a fish.”

I bit the side of my cheek, knowing damn well I sucked at this stuff, but I accepted the challenge, ego be damned. I bought three rings for ten bucks, cringing at the price. But Anne held her toy elephant close to her chest and clapped furiously, her eyes wide with excitement. I guessed ten bucks wasn’t much if it garnered that type of response.

“You can do it, Daddy.”

Daddy.

My heart squeezed. She hadn’t called me that in years.

How hard could it be? There were several tall, narrow glasses all stacked closely together. Each glass was filled with water and a single fish swimming circles inside of it. All I had to do was get a ring around one of the glasses and the fish was mine. Easy.

I made my first throw from behind the wooden barrier right as Parker poked me in the ribs. The ring clattered off several glasses and fell to the hay-covered floor.

“No cheating,” I said, and he held up his hands with a wicked smirk on his handsome face. “Watch him, Anne.”

She giggled but narrowed her eyes, not letting him leave her sight.

I tried again and missed.

Parker leaned in, his lips close to my ear, and I shivered. “Shoot for the middle glass, the rest are all too close together.” He grinned at me as I looked at him over my shoulder. “You got this, Daddy.”

I huffed out a laugh and turned back toward the game. Anne stared up at me, her eyes big, silently imploring me to win, win, win. Taking a deep breath, I aimed for the center glass and tossed it. Sailing through the air, the ring landed just short of center, and by some miracle or force of God, it flipped and circled around the center glass.

Anne screeched, jumping up and down before tackle-hugging me. “You did it!”

“Were you worried?” I asked and laughed when she nodded. “Ye of little faith.”

“Huh?” she asked, and I shook my head.

“Never mind, go pick out your fish.” I mussed up her hair with the palm of my hand as she turned toward the vendor.

“I would have totally bailed you out, you know, if you missed. I mean, the girl had to have a fish.”

Parker reached for my hand, and without thinking I took it and pulled him close. I kissed him on the lips and his breath hitched. I realized what I’d done, and my stomach dropped. Anne was staring at us, plastic baggy in one hand, her elephant in the other. A fat goldfish swam around and around inside its new home while everything else had frozen in time. Everything except for the damn fish.

Instead of letting go of my hand, Parker held on tighter.

“Cool fish,” he said, even and unruffled. Like this whole thing hadn’t been turned upside down. Like my panicked heart wasn’t trying to claw its way up my throat. “Check out its fat cheeks. What’re you going to name it?”

Anne blinked once and then again, her smile slow and steady as it spread across her lips. “Tony.”

“Tony?” Parker laughed and I remembered to breathe. “That’s an interesting name.”

She looked back at the booth. “It’s his name. I thought it fit.”

We all looked at the vendor and he waved. He had big cheeks and a handlebar mustache.

“Tony works,” I said, and despite the fact my palm was sweating inside Parker’s hold, my voice sounded normal. Unfazed.

“I think I’m going to get some fries. You guys want anything?” he asked.

“I’m good.” I couldn’t eat anything if I tried. “Anne?”

“No, thanks.”

He smiled and gave my hand a short squeeze before letting go. “I’ll meet you at the Ferris wheel?”

“Alright.” I watched him walk away, wishing I could follow, or at least fall into a hole.

Anne held the bag close to her face, making fish lips. I wasn’t sure if I should say anything. Maybe she thought that’s what friends did. Friends could hold hands and kiss each other.

It was possible.

I was also delusional.

“Don’t worry, Dad,” she said, keeping her eyes on her new pet. “I think it’s cool.”

“What’s cool?” I asked, my voice failing me as I swallowed.

“Parker… he’s your boyfriend.”

“Anne...”

She lowered the bag, her smile quiet. “Mr. Adair at school has a husband. He came to class to talk to us about what it was like to be a firefighter.”

“Oh.”

“It’s okay. I kind of already figured it out,” she said.

“You did?”

“I’m ten, almost eleven. I notice things.”

Smiling, I rubbed the back of my neck. “You notice things?”

“You look at him like you used to look at Mom.” Her smile dimmed enough I noticed. “You’re happier.”

“Hey… your mom made me happy for a long time, but—”

“I know… I’m not mad or anything.” She gave me her elephant to hold and took my hand in hers. “Do you love him?”

“I like him a whole bunch.”

“He’s pretty cool…” She turned, her gaze scanning the festival, the lights glimmering in her gray eyes. “Do you think he’ll be sad if we don’t go on the Ferris wheel? I’m afraid of heights.”

“We can skip it, then.” I tugged on her hand. “Let’s find Parker and maybe we can do the tilt-o-whirl again.”

“No way, you guys squished me last time.”

“But wouldn’t it be funny to see Parker turn green again?”

A conspiratorial smile pulled her cheeks into dimples.

“Yeah… totally worth it.”

We made our way through the crowd, my head spinning a mile a minute. I hadn’t meant to come out to my daughter like this. I’d had this vision in my head where I would sit across from her at the kitchen table. We’d have waffles. I’d tell her and Lanie at the same time. Answer any questions as honestly as I was able. But I think the way it happened tonight was better. This wasn’t about Lanie and me anymore. Anne and I, we were our own little unit. Her acceptance was all I wanted.

We found Parker sitting on a bench people watching, a small carton of fries in his hand. He’d rolled his sleeves to his elbows, and the slight breeze ruffled his hair. It was longer now, in need of a trim, but I liked it. In an overcrowded park, in a sea of people, he stood out like a beacon. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling.

“I’m glad he makes you happy,” Anne said, beaming up at me. “I missed your smiles.”

I reached down and gently pinched her dimple. “I smile all the time.”

“Not like this.” She glanced over at Parker who’d caught sight of us. He stood and headed our way, throwing the rest of his fries in the trash can. “Can I tell Mom?”

“I’d like to be the one to tell her, if that’s okay.”

She hooked her pinky with mine. “She won’t be mad.”

“You don’t think so?”

“No, she goes on dates with Matt.”

Matt was new.

Well, then.

I waited for some type of reaction. Some feeling of jealousy or regret. There was none.

“Hey.” Parker held my gaze. “All good?”

I nodded and he smiled at Anne, giving her his full attention. “Ready to go on the Ferris wheel?”

“Actually, we thought about going on the tilt-o-whirl,” I said and laughed when he grimaced.

“You two go ahead, I might skip it, though. Had those fries and—”

“Nope, you have to go.” Anne grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the rides.

“But who’s going to hold Tony? I don’t think he’d like the tilt-o-whirl very much.”

“Dad can hold him, and you can ride with me.”

Surprised, he looked over at me and mouthed the word help. Chuckling, I followed behind, feeling lighter than I had in years. The weight of my impromptu coming out had been temporarily lifted, and I focused on being in the moment and enjoying my time with my daughter—my daughter who had accepted me without any conditions. It wasn’t until later, after I’d dropped off Anne at her mom’s, and met Parker back at my place, that the heavy feeling returned. All the adrenaline from earlier came crashing down, and all I could do was overthink. What if Anne got too attached? What if Lanie wasn’t okay with my sexuality? Would she stop me from seeing Anne? She wasn’t like that. At least, I didn’t think she was.

“Van,” Parker wrapped his arms around me from behind, pulling my back to his chest, and kissed the curve of my neck. “Tell me what’s going on inside your head.”

“Anne called you my boyfriend.”

Of all the things I could have said.

I turned in his arms and was met with his perfect, crooked grin. “Does that label make you uncomfortable?”

“No… but… does it make you uncomfortable?”

“Not at all. Maybe a few weeks ago I might’ve thought it was too soon for that.” He ran his fingers through my hair and my eyes shuttered closed, opening again as he said, “I think about you all the time. And when I’m not here with you, I want to be. Marcos makes fun of me for it incessantly, but I don’t give a fuck, because for the first time in my life I’ve actually found someone who makes me happy.”

I kissed him in the middle of my living room, nothing I could say would match the way I felt. Showing him seemed more appropriate. Like always, it started off slow and soft. His hand in my hair, mine on the back of his neck. Lips and breath turned into tongue and teeth. Light touch to rough fingers. Skin and nails. Once we were both panting, his blue eyes fiery, I found the words I wanted to say.

“I can’t stop thinking about you either. And every time you leave, I wish I would have asked you to stay.”

“Ask me.”

Breathe.

I counted to ten.

I wanted this.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

“Van…”

“Stay… tonight. I want you to stay.”

The pad of his thumb drifted over the line of my jaw. “Then, I’ll stay.”