The Anti-Crush by Harper West

6

Elizabeth

Last night,I made the decision to sneak out of the apartment early before Tanner got there to see McKenzie.

It was something I'd been doing more and more over the last two weeks. I knew they appreciated the time alone, and honestly, I needed a quieter place to study. I started toward the university library with a cup of coffee in my hand. Fall leaves danced and flew across the brick walkways on campus, creating soft scrapes and screeches as they flipped and folded.

The wind picked up quickly, blowing my dark hair around my cheeks. I could feel the comforting weight of my bag on my back. It bounced against my frame as I took the library steps two at a time. Maybe it was the bookworm in me, but I found the weight of the books on my back comforting.

I took a sip of coffee as I stepped inside the library. With a slight frown, I realized that I had been in such a rush this morning that I had neglected to put in any sugar. It tasted bitter but I needed the caffeine, so I hoped I could drink it black. Like, I could get used to it over time. Kind of like spending time with Nathan. Thanks to our respective best friends, we were seeing each other three to five times a week. It was hard to swallow at first, but eventually, it wasn't so bad anymore.

Rocking onto my toes, I smiled at the short entryway, dotted with a few reading chairs and desks. The library was basically home to me. Outside I was an outcast, but here, I was normal. Breezing past the historical collection, I followed the walkway around the room and into the main section of the library, choosing an empty table in a random section. I took a victorious sip from my coffee.

Within five minutes, I had my textbooks stacked up and my notebooks covered with different-colored pens. Gentle jazz music floated through my headphones and hours flew by as I read. Despite the bitter coffee, I was fighting the urge to close my eyes. Not wanting to be one of those people who fell asleep in the library while studying, I sat up quickly and widened my eyes as I looked at my screen. Soon, the lessons began to blur together. I sat in front of the screen with an empty coffee cup, blurry-eyed and bored beyond all reason.

I closed my eyes and took a moment to absorb all of the information I'd reviewed. When I opened my eyes, Nathan was standing in front of me. He was talking, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Reluctantly, I pulled out my headphones, interrupting “Hedwig's Theme.”

"What?" I asked, holding the headphones in my hand in front of me like evidence.

He laughed. "You're saying you didn't hear me at all just now, did you?"

I shook my head, giving a helpless chuckle and a shrug.

"I asked if I could sit with you."

“Sit? Here?” I gawped. “With me?”

“Yes. Sit here with you. I mean… may I?”

Surprise blossomed inside me, and I pushed my glasses up my nose. Nathan clicked into focus, and I noticed that his blond hair wasn't styled in his trademark faux-hawk. It laid in soft peaks that gave him a sleepy, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

"Sure," I said, hoping I sounded casual. I pushed one of my earbuds back in place, but something told me to keep the other one out. "You can if you want." I forced my eyes back to my textbook, hastily reading a page before realizing that it was the same paragraph I had attempted to read four times. My eyes slowed, and my interest faded. I watched out of the corner of my eye as Nathan took the chair across from me. He began pulling things out of his bag, but I could've sworn he looked at me. I think he was trying to see what I was reading.

He started flipping through the pages of his textbook. "Do you always study in the library? I haven't seen you here before." He didn't look up as he spoke, keeping his eyes on his book.

I blushed as I tried to think of a way to explain why studying at the dorm apartment wasn't an option anymore. A vivid memory of trying to study during one of their dates played in my mind. Even with my headphones in while I read, I had a hard time blocking out the sounds McKenzie's bedframe made as it rattled against the wall. I shuddered, offering Nathan a sheepish smile. "I started coming to the library, studying, I mean... a couple of weeks ago, I guess?" I stumbled over my words as I spoke.

He was quiet for a moment. "Like three weeks ago?"

"Just about."

He started to laugh. "Because of Tanner and Kenz?"

I laughed but furrowed my brow at the nickname for my friend. We'd tried it out briefly a few years ago, but it never stuck. In fact, the only one who continued to use that nickname was McKenzie's dad. Trying to avoid talking about my roommate’s sex life, I kept my eyes on the book in front of me. "It's just easier to study where everyone else already is."

"What a polite, vague answer," Nathan said with a knowing grin. He picked up his textbook, tucking his bookmark into a chapter farther down in the dense volume, but he didn’t look down just yet.

I rolled my eyes and placed my hand on the page I was reading. "Okay, yeah," I said. "They've been spending a lot of time together and ever since movie night..." my voice trailed off, and he nodded in the silence. His quiet smile exposed the hint of a dimple on his right cheek, and it made me smile. "It's just best to let them have their time alone while they're... getting to know each other.”

"You think it's fair that you have to leave your home every time they want to have sex?" Nathan asked, direct as always.

I looked up at him, shocked by his bluntness, but also that he was worried about how I was affected by Tanner and McKenzie's frequent hook-ups. After taking a moment to regain my composure, I shook my head. "No, no, I'm totally fine studying outside of the dorms. It's just hard for me to look at either of them after listening to it, you know?" I met Nathan's eyes and was surprised to find a depth of understanding and empathy in them.

He tilted his head as he listened to me.

"They come out of her room to hang out and watch TV, and it's just..."

"Uncomfortable," Nathan finished, nodding in agreement. "I get it. Tanner's pretty loud.”

We laughed together before settling in to study. As I lifted my book to my lap, I propped my legs up onto the chair next to me and relaxed into a more comfortable reading position. After a moment, Nathan looked up from his book and copied me. For a while, we stayed just like this—only the sturdy pine table between us as we sat together and read. My eyes skipped along the page, and I found myself wondering if he was over there, thinking of me.

The thought frightened me, but also sent a spike of excitement throughout my chest. Tingles radiated down my arms, and I rolled my neck to banish the thought. I closed my eyes and wondered why I couldn't shake the giddy feeling inside of me. Since when was I the girl that had these feelings for someone, let alone a football player like Nathan? I opened my eyes and tried to focus on my textbook, but a blush crept over my face. The text I was reading was about emotions and concluded that they were majorly a result of subjective experience; one of these experiences was marked underneath that nearly made me shut my textbook: sexual attraction. I tried to keep my face neutral, reminding myself that Nathan had no idea what I was studying. I had to chill out.

"Hey, you okay?" Nathan asked, looking over at me with his bookmark holding his place in his textbook.

"Huh?" I replied, straightening my face. "Yeah, I'm fine."

“Oh. Good." He went back to reading with a smile on his face. I watched as he adopted a pleasant, neutral pose. Though, there was still a hint of that smirk. Eventually, his eyes began to droop. I watched him as his free hand rested on top of his knee and held the textbook, flicking the soft, plastic cover to the rhythm of a song I thought I recognized. I listened to it for a moment, the rhythm echoing in my head as Nathan's fingers paused to highlight a line in the text. He continued drumming, but suddenly the rhythm sounded different than before. This one was more recognizable to me, and I smiled as I recognized the song. A smile spread across Nathan's face, and he started to hum an off-key tune that made us dissolve into a fit of laughter. I laughed so hard my sides and cheeks ached.

"You listen to Modest Mouse?" he asked. His bookmark held his place, but he no longer seemed all that concerned with studying.

"Occasionally," I answered, setting my books down.

I told myself that taking a break would help me become more productive. But, really, I really wanted to keep talking to him. I looked down at the book he was reading, recognizing the cover. "You're studying to be a lawyer, too?" I asked, pointing at the LSAT test prep book. "McKenzie has the same one, but I don't think she's read as much as you."

Nathan smiled. "Well, I don't have Tanner trying to distract me every chance he gets."

"Is that what they do?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

A crooked smile spread over his face, and he leaned back in his chair. "Only when it looks like someone is overworking themselves," he said. "But, yeah, I'm still deciding between criminal and environmental law. My dad wants me to go into criminal, and I know there's more money and better job security, but I just… I just can't shake the feeling that I'd be doing something more meaningful if I went into environmental law." His eyes sparkled when he spoke, but he quickly came down from his dreamy, passionate speech and looked embarrassed. He snaked a hand through his blond hair, but it was too heavy to stand up this way and flopped over, folding over on top of itself in waves.

"That's really cool," I assured him with a warm smile. "You seem really inspired by environmental law.” I mirrored his smile when he met my eyes from across the workspace. "You know, I assumed you wanted to study something more like..." my voice trailed off as I realized that my comment might come off as less than supportive.

"Sports management?" he guessed. I flushed, but he only laughed. "No, that's totally fair. I probably would've guessed the same thing if I had met me." His smile was genuine as he picked up his buzzing phone.

I smiled back at him, wondering if I had been too hasty in deciding that he was someone I could never get along with. Now that we were actually spending time one-on-one, he didn't seem like the type of person I originally pegged him for. He was thoughtful, kind, and determined to do something good with his life. I crossed my arms then, wondering why he had seemed so bad before. The memories from high school seemed a little further away with every hour I spent with Nathan.

He set his phone down, leaving his conversation with Tanner open on his screen, and smiled at me. "You going with McKenzie to the game tonight?"

A flurry of excitement filled me when he asked, but I tried to keep myself settled as I looked back at him. I had wanted him to ask me to events like this so often throughout high school—even when I hated him, I had wanted him to accept me—and the part of me that was still holding onto that felt elated.

But there was another part of me that wondered if he was messing with me. That part of me could spin a great web full of lies that involved fake friends, a faceless cheerleader he'd kiss in front of me, and end with my face plastered across the Jumbotron as people jeered. I tried to quiet it.

"I am," I forced a natural smile.

He returned to his textbook with a nod and a slight smile. "Cool."