The Anti-Crush by Harper West

4

Nathan

As I watchedElizabeth storm out of the restaurant and into the parking lot in frustration, it suddenly hit me. I really was a dick back then. She was still hurting. And I was mortified.

It was the first time I had come face to face with the girl I bullied in since we graduated and I could feel my face turn red in shame. I didn't even bother responding to her last comment. We'll just have to see? What did that even mean? I sincerely doubted she was at all open to giving me another chance. I mean, I was a fool to think she'd just forget about all the times my friends and I had tormented her. No one gets through that kind of torment unscathed. I had tried so hard to put it all behind me. I bet she did too. And here I come waltzing back into her life.

I got up, unable to sit there helplessly, and walked back to Tanner's car with my hands shoved into my pockets. I considered bailing on the date entirely and running the rest of the way back home. I could explain everything to Tanner later.

When I reached the exit, I glanced back and saw that he was still chatting with McKenzie. He shot me a concerned glance, mouthing what are you doing? But, I stood still. He kissed McKenzie goodbye and said something to her that I couldn't quite hear.

I turned away from the restaurant, desperately wanting to disappear. It was immature and stupid to try to avoid my problems like this, but I also knew that Elizabeth wanted nothing to do with me. She’d probably be glad I left. I shouldn't have even come, I thought, shaking my head in disgust.

I mean, nowadays, I’m nothing like I was back in high school. I have new friends. New goals. I’m polite, even. I grew the fuck up. But I never actually did stop to really, deeply consider all the ways I had hurt and humiliated people back then. Elizabeth hadn’t been my only victim.

As a teenager, I totally believed that I had to be mean and nasty to be popular. The saddest part was that… it actually worked; I had earned all kinds of social capital by being horrible to people who were easy targets. Nerds. Dorks. Losers. And… Elizabeth. I had no idea how my immature brain had managed to rationalize that kind of thinking at the time. I cringed at the thought.

I had tried for so long to move past that version of myself. To be a better man. And here I was being directly confronted by someone I’d hurt so deeply. Thinking about it made me sick. I didn't even recognize my high school self anymore and started to wonder how many other people I had scarred. Most of my victims were quiet, shy, outcasts like Elizabeth, who had done absolutely nothing except be themselves in a world that wasn’t ready to accept them. It was bullying. Full stop. And I was realizing that I had no right to just move on and pretend it never even happened. I should have mended things between me and Elizabeth a lot sooner, but instead, I decided to be selfish about it. I made a mental note to reach out at some point to the other people I had bullied all those years ago. Being around Elizabeth reminded me that this kind of thing clearly left deep psychological scars.

Apparently, Tanner noticed the distraught look on my face and I felt his hand nudge my shoulder while we walked back to his car. He'd managed to catch up to me just as I was trying to slip away and was not happy to leave McKenzie alone to deal with my sorry ass. "What the hell, man? Where are you going?” he asked. "Elizabeth looked pretty pissed, and now you're running off."

I sighed, turning to face him. I was so close to bolting, but I knew I had to explain myself. Man up. Or it would haunt me for the rest of my life.

"Were you seriously about to just leave? What could be so bad that running home is the only option?" he asked incredulously.

"It's a really long story. Like… from high school.” I said, frowning. I wasn’t looking forward to reliving all of those experiences. And this time, I’d probably get judged for it. But, if I had to tell someone, it should be Tanner. He’s a decent guy, the kind of mature friend I’m glad I’ve made over the years. He’s likely think I was a piece of shit and be disgusted with me. Though,if I’m being completely honest, I definitely deserved any harsh judgment I got.

“Tell me on the way back to the car,” he instructs. "I don't know what it is you're running from, but I'm sure it can't be so bad that you want to actually run the ten miles back to your house.”

I nodded in silent agreement and followed him to his car.

“Dude, what’s going on? I’ve never seen you upset. It’s kind of freaking me out a little. I mean, we can talk about it for a bit, but you have to promise not to bail on the rest of the night, okay?"

I nodded again. Tanner was one of my best friends and I hoped he still would be after I told him what a dick I was in the past.

"Yeah, I promise," I conceded. “I won’t bail.”

We turned around and doubled back to his car. I took a deep breath and composed myself, thinking of the best way to word all this.

“Okay, so… Back in high school, I was kind of… a stereotypical mean jock. Seriously, like the ones you see in all those terrible teen movies," I stated. "Our school was super cliquey and full of drama and rumors. It was just a toxic situation for all of us. Kill or be killed. I mean, in terms of popularity. But a lot of kids like Elizabeth wanted nothing to do with it."

“Come on, aren’t most schools like that to an extent? I mean, the stereotypes exist for a reason, right?" Tanner replied. We walked, side by side, down the sidewalk and back to the parking lot. "Hell, I was kind of a jerk back then, too. I think everyone regrets who they were in high school."

"Yeah, but this was different. I took it way too far. I mean, I was on the football team and I was surrounded by all these other popular kids in sports and stuff. We were pretty shitty to anyone who didn’t… you know… fit in,” I continued, staring down at my feet. One by one, I remembered every terrible thing my buddies and I had done to Elizabeth and I felt like death warmed over. I couldn’t imagine how she must’ve felt about it. Or how she probably felt right now.

"Again, Nathan, yeah, most of us were pretty cringey and mean back then. But, what could be so bad that Elizabeth still hates you to this day?" he asked.

I sighed, knowing I’d have to come to terms with this particular terrible thing.

"Elizabeth was a bit different back then, too. She was, uh… a little heavier-set and dorky. She was insanely smart and got really good grades. Her teachers loved her and I think a lot of us were jealous of her in a weird way, actually. I had English class with her and my assigned seat happened to be right next to hers. That was sort of where it all started," I said, somberly as we approached the car.

"Go on," Tanner urged. "What happened after that?"

"Well, I was kind of awful in school. I made okay enough grades, but Elizabeth was something else. She made straight A’s every semester, every class, and she really knew her stuff. Like I said, I think I was kind of jealous. I drove her absolutely nuts with my constant questions and basically treated her like my own personal tutor. And I think she was sort of afraid of me, so she just went along with it. I was really pushy to get what I wanted from her. And then I was rude as hell to her any other time."

"That's not so bad," Tanner responded. "I mean, I was kind of crappy to girls like that back then, too. Did you—“

"I'm not done. It gets worse," I admitted. "One time, I think she just got fed up with it and refused to help me anymore. I mean, she had every right to do that. She was never obligated to help me. An exam was coming up and I was panicking because I knew there was a chance I would fail. I got this bright idea to just cheat off of her paper because I knew she'd have all the right answers. And for some reason, I thought that I would actually get away with it." I rubbed my temples. The more I divulged, the worse I sounded.

Tanner started to look disappointed in me.

"There's still more," I recounted. I might as well tell the whole story now, I thought. "Needless to say, my dumb ass got caught. But I wanted someone to blame and I chose Elizabeth. I pretty much let my friends take it all out on her for months after that. Our teacher was really, really angry. She gave me a zero on the exam, and I nearly failed the class. I think she took pity on me at the last second and decided not to kick me out of her class completely."

"I didn't know you guys had that kind of history," he said. "I can kind of see why you wanted to run away so badly. You really were an ass. Not that I think it was the right thing to do or anything, but I get it. We were immature, impulsive, stupid kids, and high school is a majorly stressful time for anyone."

I was really lucky to have a friend like Nathan. Still, there were quite a few more lurid details that I knew I would have to divulge eventually. But, for now, he wasn’t running away, screaming. "After that happened, I don't know what came over me. Elizabeth was angry, and she had every right to be. For some reason, I guess I took that as a threat. You know how high school guys can be," I said, trying to rationalize my behavior. I have to quit doing that, I thought. There were no excuses in the world that would make any of this right.

"Yeah, man, I know it. Like I said, I was a stupid meathead back then, too," Tanner replied sympathetically.

“It gets worse. I spread disgusting rumors about her. My friends and I laughed at her every time she would speak up in class. I mean, I went low. I even mocked her weight to her face." I paused to compose myself yet again.

The more I remembered, the worse I felt. Elizabeth's mortified expression and the tears streaming down her face were burned into my brain. There was no way I could ever forget it.

"My friends were just as bad. There was one time that I tripped her on her way to her seat. She broke her glasses when she hit the floor. I pointed and the entire class broke out laughing. I egged them on. She ran out of the room crying, and I just sat there, proud of myself.”

I hated everything about every memory my mind conjured up. Each one made me sicker than the last. And I'd been on the top looking down. Elizabeth had been at the bottom looking up. So I felt this shitty, I could only imagine how horrible they had been for her to endure back then. And to relive now.

Tanner put a hand on my shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. "The fact that you're even saying all of this right now shows a lot of maturity, Nate. You regret it. I know you’re sorry. I’m not going to make excuses for you. You're right. It was pretty terrible and you owe some apologies. But I know you, and I can tell that that Nate isn’t this Nate.”

We climbed into the car, and he put the key in the ignition. The engine roared as we pulled out of the parking lot.

“Hey, by the way, I told Kenzie to meet us at the theater with Elizabeth, so you and I can keep talking about this on the way."

I took a deep breath and tried to mentally prepare myself to see Elizabeth again. But first, I had to get this out.

“Actually, that's not even the worst of it!" I exclaimed. "For the rest of the year, I did the same kind of crap to her over and over and over again. When my friends would ridicule her, I never spoke up. I would just join in and make it worse. I don't know how she put up with it.”

She was stronger than any of us ever gave her credit for.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go to the movie tonight,” I mused.

"Nate, you're right. You treated her horribly over the years. But you need to realize it might be even worse to just ditch her completely after showing back up in her life. That would be like another slap in the face. You have to try to fix things with her, even if it’s just apologizing for the past," Tanner explained.

"I know, I know.” I sighed. "I have to prove to her that I've actually changed. I mean, she seemed like she was at least considering giving me another chance, right? She probably would have just had McKenzie take her home if she really didn't want anything to do with me."

Tanner nodded. "Trust me, McKenzie loves Elizabeth to death. They're best friends. She wouldn't make her do anything she didn’t want to do."

"I hope you're right," I said hesitantly as we pulled into the parking lot of the movie theater. I could see McKenzie's car in the distance. It was time to go in there and face Elizabeth.