Then You Saw Me by Carrie Aarons
18
Austin
Brian hulks on at my side, practically moving the ground we walk on, as we stroll through campus.
“I can’t wait until it’s warm enough so the girls are out in bikinis.” He smirks a devilish grin to himself.
“You’re a pervert. Those are freshman you’re talking about.” Since most of the upperclassmen now lived off campus.
“Exactly.” Another devilish grin.
I roll my eyes, just happy that it’s getting warmer. “I’m just trying to get a smoothie.”
We’re on our way to the smoothie hut on campus, a frequent spot for every student when the weather in Upstate New York finally begins to creep up past forty degrees.
“Yo.” Gio walks up, giving both of us a fist pound, and we all fall into step. “Evan!”
Our fourth friend joins us, and then we’re all walking through campus together. I’ll miss this when we graduate; passing through the quad with them and just shooting the shit. There is an ease and lack of responsibility at moments like this that I know I’ll crave once the real world takes hold of me. I try to remember that as Brian and Evan discuss the twins they took home two nights ago.
“They were freaky as hell. Wanted to go down on us in the same room.” Evan laughs, high-fiving our football bro buddy.
“Damn, that’s kind of hot, though. Does that make you Eskimo brothers?” Gio ponders, tapping a finger to his chin.
“Nah, we’d have to have swapped their mouths for that.” Evan chuckles.
“You guys …” I shake my head.
“We know, captain of the prude squad. We get it. But you should try it sometime. Have a little fun, let that Hemsworth hair down.” Brian slaps me on the back.
The running joke between my friends is that I’m as vanilla as they come. Because I wouldn’t bring multiple girls back to our shared dorm rooms in one week or let a chick give me head in the bathroom of a house party.
Little do they know, sex is better when it’s not an exhibitionist sport. When you can lock a bedroom door, get a girl you admire or care for on her back, underneath you, and have hours to explore …
That’s the good part. And when I get that, there is nothing vanilla about me.
“I’ve got my eyes on someone.” I smirk.
They don’t need to know I’ve royally fucked up the Taya situation because I hope to remedy it. I don’t know when I made the switch from being freaked out about potentially dating a Webton girl, and one who wrote so candidly about my last name in her time capsule letter, but I’ve switched. That little basketball competition was the slowest round of foreplay I’ve ever had, and I’ve jacked off the last two nights since just thinking about touching Taya’s elbow. Her fucking elbow.
I don’t know, either, what was running through my head the other night when I taunted her so much. Maybe I wanted her to crack, but the way she did had left me alone outside on the driveway. I’ve been trying to make amends or just talk about the letter or what’s going on between us. I’m not the type of guy who wants bad blood out in the world, and I feel guilty, strange, weird about the elephant sitting on the roof of our house. It’s clear she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I thought the game of HORSE would be a good icebreaker. Though it seems to have added more baggage to our pile.
“His roommate.” Gio chuckles in the direction of the other guys. “But hey, she’s a fucking dime.”
“Don’t call her that.” I scowl at him.
“Why is that bad?” Brian gives me an eye roll. “He’s calling her a ten, you should be happy about that.”
“Because I know what he does. No sniffing around Taya.” I wag a finger at him.
“Isn’t that her? Because you may want to tell that guy the same thing.” Evan points across the quad, and sure enough, Taya is sitting on the grass with another guy.
They’re laughing, and she touches his arm.
My blood goes from stagnant to a simmer. I’ve never been the jealous type; hell, I’ve barely been the type to want to date a girl. I’ve had a month’s-long relationship here or there, but I’ve never told anyone I love them. It’s never been that serious for me.
Yet here is this girl who defies everything I’ve said I want in a real relationship, and I’m sure my cheeks are green with jealousy as she sits on the grass with another guy.
Without another word to the guys, I cross the quad, coming to stand in front of where they’re sitting. The guy is smaller than I am, dark-haired, with thick-rimmed black glasses, and I try to reach my full height by rolling my shoulders back and puffing out my chest. I’ve never been this guy, but she won’t even give me the time of day anymore, and he’s sitting here eating … cookies with her?
Chocolate chip cookies lay in a Tupperware on her backpack, and their laptops are sitting idly on the lawn.
“Taya, hey.” I smile down at her.
She blinks up, the sun in her eyes, and shields them with her hands so I can’t quite make out her expression.
“Au-Austin … hey,” she stutters, surprised to see me.
The guy sitting with her doesn’t say anything, just blinks at me through his glasses, and then looks to Taya.
I extend my hand. “I’m Austin, Taya’s—”
“Roommate. He’s my roommate.” The words rush out of her mouth.
What the hell? Did she think I was going to be a metaphorical dog and piss all over my territory by calling her my girl or something? Wait, hadn’t the thought crossed my mind, though?
“Can I talk to you?” My head cocks to the side, and my voice takes on a pitch of annoyance.
Like I’m frustrated that she’s sitting here laughing with him and won’t even let me play basketball with her. Shit, I’m a fucking schoolyard little boy right now.
“We’re in the middle of studying.” She’s trying to turn me down or get me to go away.
“I know, it’ll only take a second.” I put on my most charming smile.
Taya barely blinks at it, and I miss that blush I used to put on her cheeks.
“You know, I have to use the bathroom anyway. I’ll be right back.” The guy she hasn’t even introduced me to gets to his feet and smiles as he goes to duck into one of the buildings.
Taya lets out a frustrated sigh. “What do you want?”
“Wow, so that’s what you think of me now.” I try to joke, but it lands flat when her expression doesn’t change from the annoyed, shuttered look she’s giving me.
“I wanted to apologize for the other day. The basketball game. I was dumb to put those stakes on it when we haven’t truly talked. It’s just, you won’t let me near you, and—”
“Well, you think I’m so alarming, so …” The pain in her eyes guts me.
“Shit, I didn’t mean that. It was the wrong word to use, and I’m sorry I was a dumbass for saying it. I just wish we could really sit down and hash this out.”
Because if we did and got all the miscommunication out of the way, I think this could be something. But I don’t jump right in and tell her that.
“Austin.” She shakes her head. “Why? You didn’t even want to do … whatever this is”—her hand moves back and forth in the air between us—“before you opened a letter you never should have read. You stopped the kiss we had, you were hot and cold about whether you want to flirt with me or hang out. Now it’s ten times more complicated and you want to have some therapy session about it?”
My heart rate speeds up, because she’s calling me out for very valid reasons.
“I never meant to make you feel that way, I was just confused about what I want. And then I found that letter, and your words were—”
“I’m not that girl, Austin. That girl was a freshman in high school, infatuated with the idea that a junior guy was hot. I didn’t even know you. I knew the idea of you. You can’t fault me for that. It’s like you having a crush on Mariah Carey, or whoever was your celebrity love interest, when you were eight. I’m incredibly embarrassed about this, and you’re making it worse. Why did you even read that letter once you realized it wasn’t yours? You had to have known, the minute you opened it up, that it wasn’t your handwriting. Maybe I should be pissed off at you for invading my privacy!”
Apparently, the dam has broken, and Taya is letting all of the things she hasn’t said to me just flow on out. Part of me must know to shut my mouth, because I don’t even try to interject as she keeps going.
“Do I think you’re hot? Of course. I’ve been flirting with you and kissing you and trying to get to know you. Actually know you. I wrote that letter six years ago. I was fourteen! You don’t think I’ve matured a bit since then?”
People are beginning to stare at us on the quad, but I don’t really care. I won’t see ninety-nine percent of these people ever again, and I’ve been waiting to have this conversation. I didn’t realize it would be a tongue lashing, but I’m at least a little glad we’re hashing it out.
“Taya, I’m a Van Hewitt. I know what that means to everyone from Webton, but no one knows what that means from inside the family. No one knows what it means from the inside perspective. It means I have to be skeptical of every single person who comes into my life. Do you know how many times I’ve been used because of my last name?”
Taya is ready to fire back, and I don’t even get to make my point about not caring about that letter anymore.
“As far as I’m concerned, I never truly followed through with my master plan, did I? There was no evil conspiracy to make you marry me as a sixteen-year-old kid. Unless you think I masterminded this entire thing. Yes, I definitely made Callum and Gannon invite you to sublet when I didn’t even realize it was happening. Oh, and maybe I was the one who made your other situation unlivable, because I’m such a genius!”
She throws her hands up in the air and rolls her eyes, but she’s not done.
“You only want me now because I’m so mortified that I can’t even look at you most of the time. God, you guys are all the same. I have a crush, want to get to know you, pursue something, but holy shit I’m being too forward. Though, now that I won’t let you apologize or kiss me because of some stupid bet, the envy monster in you comes out and you can’t stand to be without me? Bullshit. That’s bullshit, Austin.”
I hang my head, knowing that this is not going anywhere. Not only is she completely done entertaining a flirtation with me, but I’ve made my living situation completely awkward. Why the hell do I always seem to fuck everything up?
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Taya. I wish I’d handled this better, and you should know that you’re the most genuine, unique woman I’ve ever met.”
I wish there was anything to remedy this, but we’ve both pretty much done all the damage we can. I look away from her, trying to grasp on to anything that might save this, and see her guy friend walking back.
“Nothing else? Great. You can go. I’m not going to be the one to storm off this time, I’m over this.”
Those last three words slice deeper than I think she intends them to. Maybe she’s right, I only want this when it’s a game, a competition to be won. Though, I’ve never been that guy. I’m just a confused human being who has been controlled and bossed around his whole life. When I’m allowed to make my own choices, I typically screw them up.
Rising and wiping the grass off my palms and onto my jeans, I look down at her one last time. “I really am truly sorry. I’m the one that fucked up here. If you want me to move out …”
I don’t get to get the question out before her guy friend comes back, and Taya sends me a warning look. She doesn’t want him to know what we were just arguing about.
My friends are long gone, probably not wanting to hear about my chick drama and only wanting to joke about their hookups. So, I walk through campus alone, feeling fully dejected.