Then You Saw Me by Carrie Aarons

31

Taya

Popcorn, salty and buttery, melts in my mouth as I swipe at my tears.

La Vita è Bella, or Life is Beautiful, plays on the screen in front of me, the theater empty except for me crying into my popcorn.

The old-time Cinema in the Commons plays foreign language films during the matinee times on weekends and thank God for that. Because last night was shit, and this is always the thing that cheers me up when I don’t want to talk it out with friends.

There is something about dramatic movies shot on real film that just pulls at my heartstrings. The beauty of the simple acts of romance, a kiss on the hand here, a lingering glance there, that just does it for me. I always say I should have been born a lifetime ago, when the world was a simpler place, when men were gentleman and families actually stuck together.

At least, in my sulking, that’s how I’m choosing to interpret this film.

Last night was a disaster, and drowning myself in salt, loneliness, and the Italian language feels right.

The door to the theater makes a noise as it opens and closes, but since I’m sitting up by the screen, I can’t see who it is. Then Austin walks into the row, and my heart cringes.

I should have known he would come looking for me. I’ve been avoiding him since our fight last night and spent most of my birthday evening crying into my pillow.

“Bevan said this is where you come when you need to be alone.” He’s looking at me, but my gaze is still on the screen.

Ah, so that’s how he found me. Bevan would not have told him that if she knew why I was upset, but I didn’t feel much like talking to my best friends about this. I’d done enough talking, Austin and I screamed it out, and I’d done so earlier in the day to my mother. Bev and Am know that when I’m ready, I’ll open up. I’m the one out of the three of us who internalizes many of my feelings and needs quiet, alone time to process just what I’m feeling.

Apparently, that time is over. “Guess that alone time is over.”

My voice is cold and quiet. He’s sitting two seats away, and that’s probably wise on his part, because I cannot handle being so close to him.

Austin’s dark eyes are genuine, and I know he’s not going to give into my overdramatic attitude. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself. And I want someone to indulge me. He balances me out by being the levelheaded one in this situation.

“I don’t want to fight with you. What I said, how I treated you, I’m so sorry. It was … there is a lot of stuff going on with me, Taya. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

So I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t fighting the fight we were actually having. And although I’m upset and semi-annoyed that he tracked me down, I’m never one to hold a grudge. Hell, I’ve been letting my sister and parents walk all over me for my entire life, and I always treat them nicely whenever they grace me with their attention.

And I just can’t stay mad at him. I wasn’t drunk, not by any stretch, but the words we yelled at each other last night were a blur. I wasn’t even really mad at him, but at my entire birthday. He came to find me, and I won’t make him grovel. We’re equally at fault, and there was clearly something else going on with Austin that wasn’t about me.

“It wasn’t just you.” I sigh, running a hand through my hair. “My family forgot my birthday.”

“They what?” He blinks.

“No present. No calls. My mom couldn’t even have her memory jogged when I actually called her yesterday. Claimed my sister had a busy schedule, a meeting of some sorts. I unleashed. Let everything I’ve been feeling just cascade out like some angry waterfall. I felt better after, to some extent. But I’m still so sad. I feel like they don’t even care that I exist.”

“Which is why you were in a bad mood going into the night.” A lightbulb seems to go on behind Austin’s eyes.

Now he gets up and moves to be directly next to me and doesn’t hesitate to lace his fingers in mine. The touch instantly calms my rattled system, and I hate that last night was ruined. I’ll forever think of my twentieth birthday marked by that fight, by how my parents forgot. It’s not a memory I want, and I wish I could go all the way back and just ignore that my chosen family, my friends, really were there to celebrate me.

“I didn’t want it to affect me. I should be used to this, I shouldn’t be phased.” I shake my head, the movie’s romantic soundtrack sweeping around the theater.

Austin reaches over, puts my popcorn on the floor, and pulls me into a hug as best he can. The theater is old and the arm rests don’t go up, a feature of polite dating-past. I bury my nose in the crook of his shoulder, inhaling his smell and wanting nothing more than for him to hold me until the lights go up.

“They are the ones to blame, not you. I wish I could scream at them about how they’re missing out on knowing an incredible person. Of course, it affects you. The things that our family say and do always affect us, no matter how much we’re used to or expect that treatment.”

He knows; he’s speaking from experience.

“I just don’t understand why they don’t love me, why they don’t care. I just …”

My voice breaks, and I bite my lip to keep from sobbing. Taking deep, measured breaths, I blink back the tears as I nuzzle farther into Austin. These wounds cut deep, and I hate that I let myself retreat when those girls slammed into me at the bar.

But Austin’s words didn’t help. “Did you really mean it? That I always back down? Do you not like that I don’t stand up for myself? That I’m … irrational.”

I push back from him, staring him in the eyes to gauge his reaction.

“Taya, fuck.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t mean any of that. I-I was in my own head, too. My dad came to the house yesterday—”

“He did?” This is news to me. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t want to ruin your birthday.” He chuckles sardonically. “I ended up doing just that. It was before anyone got home. I told him I’m taking the job in New York City, that I’m not moving back to Webton. He basically threatened me and sped off. I’m pretty sure it’s the last time I’ll ever see him.”

That statement makes my stomach drop like a stone, and the distant, lost look on Austin’s face has me reaching out for him, pulling him into me. As much as I’m so angry and upset with my family right now, I can’t imagine being threatened by them. I can’t imagine them disowning me, or seeing them, knowing it would be the last time in my life.

“Austin, my God.” I breathe, my heart breaking for the both of us.

“Nothing I said last night was about you. It was about me, about my own shortcomings and the things I feel angry about. I hate that I didn’t notice you in high school. I hate that because of that, I’ve only just found you and I’m about to graduate and leave. I’m all fucked up about my move, my family, the things my father said. I wish I could take back every single part of last night and give you the birthday you deserved. I’m sorry, Taya. I …”

He pulls back, so much emotion in his eyes, and my breath catches. Inside my chest, my heart is bouncing around, my skin breaking out in a cold sweat and goose bumps. This feels like the moment. The one I’ve been waiting for ever since I saw him in the hallway my freshman year of high school.

A beat passes. And then two.

“I wish our families were better. I wish they were more supportive. I wish I could erase all the ugly things I said. But just know, that wherever we end up in life, I will always be here for you. You can always talk to me, always count on me. I think you’re the most special, unique person I’ve ever met. And I always want you in my life.”

While his words are beautiful, they’re not the ones I thought he would say.

They also sound suspiciously like foreshadowing. Like life will take us in different directions.

And while I appreciate him coming to the theater, talking this out, and making things right, I can’t help the niggle of doubt in my heart that we’re heading for the end of us before we even got the chance to be an us.