Then You Saw Me by Carrie Aarons

34

Taya

“You asshole!”

A door slams somewhere upstairs, and I shake my head, trying to bury it in my textbook and ignore the fight. I should be used to it by now, with those two, but Bevan and Callum getting into a knock-down, drag-out the week of finals is pretty much standard. With that much pressure, they’re always bound to implode.

I wish they’d take their blowout elsewhere. Some of us are trying to study.

Or stop ourselves from having an emotional breakdown.

Since the night in the radio booth, Austin has been so distant. Graduation is just a week away, and we haven’t talked about any of it. Not whether we’re staying together, breaking up, giving this a shot. None of it.

I’m trying to ignore it, to just keep moving, because then the emotions can’t touch me. None of this heartbreak can be real if I don’t acknowledge it. Deep down, I’m aware of what a load of bullshit that is, but I can’t take another person not choosing me.

I still haven’t spoken to my family since my birthday, and I’ve been avoiding their calls. My mom sent a cookie basket, and Dad followed that up with tickets to a concert to see my favorite band in October. The gifts are nice, if not forced and late, and just an excuse to have me call them and make up.

Which I’m not falling for. I’ve bent too many times, have forgiven when it’s my heart and feelings that are bruised. They need to make amends for this one, and a cookie basket is not going to do it. Our issues run too deep for that.

With everything going on inside my head and heart, the last thing I can do is deal with other people’s issues. But apparently, the universe still doesn’t give a shit about me, because Callum walks into the kitchen shaking his head, blowing breaths out of his mouth like he might shoot fire instead.

“Jesus Fucking Christ.”

I look up, raise my eyebrow, and he rolls his eyes back at me.

Pushing the chair across from me out with my foot, I motion to it. “Sit down.”

I’m done with this shit. Most friends wouldn’t get involved, but I’m not most friends. I’ve also, recently, been accused of not speaking my mind. That ends here. I’m not just friends with Bevan. I’ve known Callum almost as long. And I’m not going to sit idly by any longer and watch this go down. She can hate me for this, blame me for their relationship being dead and over, but eventually, she’ll be happier. I can’t watch this go on any longer.

Callum sits, and I can tell he’s on the verge of tears. For a guy so cocky, he regularly refers to himself as the “cat’s meow,” I know he’s on the brink of devastation.

Maybe I can see their relationship with more clarity since I, myself, am actually in love in a real way for the first time. Maybe I can view it in the light I see it now because I’m about to lose the person I love, and there isn’t a thing I can do to stop it. Maybe I’m just emotional and selfish.

It’s probably a combination of all three. Taking a deep breath, I begin.

“Callum, you’re like my brother. We’ve been through so much, and I know you inside and out. So right now, I’m not pulling any punches. We both know a lot of the issues in your relationship stem from Bevan. She won’t get the help she needs, she won’t even try to push through her trauma. But if you can’t be there for her, if you can’t weather this storm, then let her go. You’re killing each other. This isn’t healthy, and neither of you deserve it. If you love her, let her go. You are miserable, she’s miserable. And I love her, she’s my best friend. But I’d say the same to her, and I’d tell her that I told you this. Break up. Try to heal. Move on. No one can do this for much longer, it’s toxic.”

He blinks at me, then buries his head in his hands. I watch as his shoulders wrack with sobs, and I just want to lie down on the floor and weep from all the heartbreak in the room.

“I love her. I don’t know how to stop doing that. And at the same time, I don’t want to fucking love her. I hate it. I don’t want to.”

His voice breaks, and I see the tears leaking from his eyes.

My heart is already smashed to smithereens from what I’m going through with Austin, and now those smithereens just crush into dust. It’s plain to see that he’s so madly in love with her that the thought of losing her makes him want to lie down and die. It’s written all over his face.

How can loving someone make you so horrifically sad that you hate them and yourself at the same time?

Would Austin and I end up like this if we stay together? Is this what love does? Destroys you until you don’t even recognize yourself or the person your heart has always claimed?

It’s only at this moment that I know we have to address the elephant in the room. We have to talk about whether we’re staying together or breaking apart. Because this limbo is killing me, and if my heart will be broken anyway, I’d rather get the healing started now.

Just like I told Callum, if it is the end for Austin and me, I need to heal. I need to move on.