Then You Saw Me by Carrie Aarons
36
Taya
Isit in the quiet, wondering how we reached the end of sophomore year and where the time went.
This year felt like a million jam-packed into one. We’ve gone through so many changes, all of us together. And I personally have grown more than I ever have in a calendar year.
I’ve lost innocence when it comes to my family. I fell in love. I achieved a dream, one that will put me on the path to achieving the one I’ve always had; to work for the United Nations.
My future seems bright, and at the same time, so lonely and gray. The living room is my most frequented spot now. Because even though it puts me in the direct line of fire when it comes to Austin walking around the house, at least I don’t have to be in my bedroom. Where we’ve slept in my bed together, where he’s explored my body, where we’ve sat night after night studying or watching TV. It’s too painful to spend time alone in there now that we’re not together. I have no idea what I’m going to do with this house once he doesn’t live here anymore.
While I’m heartbroken and drowning my sorrows in every typical breakup ritual, I’m also angry—that he would pin this on me. That he’d make me be the one to actually come out and say we’re through. For years I was silent, waiting for him to notice me, and when I finally spoke up and asked if he wanted to be with me, he didn’t even have the balls to say a thing.
I sigh into the void, the house deadly quiet. No one is here except for me, and I should be upstairs packing to go home for the first part of the summer until my internship, but I just can’t bring myself to. Leaving the house in itself signifies how over Austin and I really are.
Bevan and Amelie are at the library studying, Austin is somewhere that he clearly wouldn’t share with me now, and Scott went to grab his personal belongings from his call center job at the student center.
Even though Callum no longer lives here, he went home earlier than the anticipated end date of the semester, Bevan has been avoiding the house, too. She’s in a lot of pain, and I think being here just reminds her of him too much. I have no idea how they’re both going to survive this, but it’s necessary. That also doesn’t mean something that needs to be done won’t hurt like hell and feel like your world is ending, though.
The doorbell rings, and I rise from the living room couch to answer it. It’s probably just a package or something. None of the roommates would ring the bell.
But when I get to the door, I’m shocked as hell to see who is standing there.
“Kathleen?” My forehead is full of wrinkles as I squint my eyes at my sister standing on the front porch.
“Hey, Taya.” She does a small, awkward wave.
I look past her, swiveling my head, looking for—
“Mom isn’t here. Neither is Dad. I drove myself.”
“I didn’t even realize you got your license.” It comes out before I can think not to say it.
As I move aside and wave her in, Kath chuckles. “Somewhere in between my schedule, which rivals Beyonce’s, I took the road test.”
Mom and Dad typically just chauffeur her around, so I’m surprised she drove down here by herself. “What … um, what’re you doing here?”
“Good to see you, too.” She smirks. “I know, I know, it’s weird that I’m here. I’ve never come for a sisterly visit.”
“And we’re not close,” I point out.
That might sound rude, but it’s true.
“In that, you are correct. You look …”
I think my sister is trying to give me a compliment but is clearly failing.
“Like I’m going through a breakup? I am.” My laugh is so bitter it’s not even funny.
“I’m sorry about that.” Kath seems genuinely upset for me. “Austin Van Hewitt?”
My mouth falls open. “How did you know that?”
She taps the side of her temple. “We saw you at the mall, remember?”
That seems like eons ago when we took that trip to Webton together. “Oh, of course. I forgot. Jeez, didn’t think you knew who the Van Hewitts are.”
“I live in barns, typically, not under a rock. Of course I know the royalty of Webton.” My sister wears a duh expression on her face.
Where I’m dark features and a rounded heart face, Kath is all sharp angles and fair skin. It makes her look far more intimidating at an equestrian competition; I’ve seen it.
“I came to apologize, and also give you this. It’s from Mom.”
She hands me an envelope, and I hold it delicately, like it might burn me. Ugh, another letter. Only drama and heartbreak have come from things that come in envelopes addressed to me.
“Thanks?” I hold up the letter.
I’m not going to open it here, in front of her. I don’t even know how long it will take me to actually make myself read it. I’m dealing with enough despair right now.
“I should have called on your birthday. It was awful of me, and of our parents. I’m so sorry, I overheard your conversation with Mom, and …”
She trails off, her eyes begging me to understand. “Sometimes I go off into my own world, Taya. And that’s selfish of me. I should be a better sibling, do better. Sometimes I see you and Amelie and Bevan and wish the two of us had that kind of bond. It’s always felt a little like you didn’t need me, but I see how you view it from your side. What you said on that phone call, I hated our family at that moment. We were so wrong, what we forgot for you was so wrong.”
Now I have to cry, because I’ve been keeping that hurt at bay. My breakup has taken front and center, but the sheer magnitude of what that birthday and how they forgot did to me all comes pouring down on me like an avalanche.
I’m swiping at tears, and then I feel Kath hug me, and my shoulder is wet from her tears. It’s the realest moment we’ve had in years, in maybe our entire relationship.
We both catch ourselves and take a step back, laughing through snot and hiccups. Then we go silent, realizing the breakthrough we just had.
“I should go. I think that’s enough for today.” She nods.
“But you just got here. Let me make you …” We have no food in the house, what with everyone leaving in a few days. “Uh … I have alcohol.”
“I’m sober, remember?” She made the pledge during a campaign for some sponsorship. “Sometimes my job really sucks.”
It’s the first time I’ve ever heard her refer to her sport as a job. Something must be happening behind the scenes, but it’s too much to get into now.
“Mom is really proud of you, you know.” My sister glances back at me as she heads for the door. “All she does when we’re traveling is moon over how many languages you can speak, and how you’re going to work for the United Nations doing such good someday.”
“Really?” That’s a shock to me.
“She talks about you constantly. How independent and smart you are. What a gem you are to the world. When she talks to me, it’s just horses, horses, horses. Just once, I want to be a normal girl. To go to college and have her dote on me and wonder what good I’ll do in the world.”
“And just once, I’d like to have her undivided time.” I shrug, my smile a sad one.
In another life, maybe we would have reached this conclusion sooner. Maybe we would have banded together instead of taking the roles of frenemies. Perhaps it’s not too late to realize that we’re not all that different from each other.
“We always want the other side of what we don’t have.” My sister gives me a sad smile.
“That’s very true.” In so many situations.
I’m about to bid her goodbye and shut the door when she turns around.
“When you come home, maybe we can grab lunch. Go to the mall for something other than riding clothes. Go to a party. I don’t know, something normal?”
My sister shrugs as if she’s embarrassed for asking, and I see her at this moment. Truly see her. She’s just like me. Just trying to fit in while also going after her dreams. She wants things that seem out of reach, and is … envious of me? I never thought that would be the case in my entire life.
“Sure. That sounds nice, Kath.”
When I smile at her, it’s genuine. For such a long time, we’ve been on separate pages. No, we’ve been in totally separate books.
This isn’t a resolution, it isn’t some happy-go-lucky family reunion, but we’ve taken a step in the right direction.
Through the fog of my shattered heart, I can see little beams of light peeking through.