Then You Saw Me by Carrie Aarons
38
Taya
The afternoon of graduation, I can’t stop swiping tears away.
This morning, I heard the front door close as Austin left in his cap and gown. He probably walked across that stage with no one in the audience. Though I’m irate and miserable when it comes to him, that just does something to my heart. No one should go through one of the happiest moments of their life, something they worked so hard for, alone.
It’s been extremely awkward in the house, and not just because everyone knows Austin and I broke up. Things with Callum and Bevan are depressing and strange, as is the fact that Gannon showed up. Amelie has been sullen and angry since he took off after she punched him.
We’re all in our own heartbreak comas, trying to support each other, and huddled on the couch under blankets even though school is over and it’s almost eighty outside. I think each of us has tears streaking our faces, and we should be packing but can’t manage to pull ourselves from our grief. I also can’t stop thinking about Austin and how lonely he must feel at graduation.
As if the universe conjured him, the front door opens, and in walks the guy whose name is still tattooed all over my heart.
He walks past the living room in his gown, his cap in his hand, and gazes at me. He opens that mouth, the one I miss so much, and looks like he’s about to say something. And then he closes it and walks up the stairs.
My head whips to Amelie, who just shrugs, and I can feel the fury going from a simmer to a boil in my veins. So now he can’t even talk to me? I’m doing that thing, the thing where girls spiral. But the dejection is taken to a whole other level, and we’re leaving in two days, and I just …
What the hell are we doing? Him and me? We can’t make this work … why exactly? And he never even gave me a reason. He never fought for me.
I’m so sick of people not fighting for me.
Throwing off the blankets and straightening my Talcott T-shirt, I march up the stairs on a mission.
When I reach the attic, I don’t even bother knocking and throw open the door. Austin’s head turns in surprise as he stands in the middle of the room shirtless with just the khaki shorts he must have been wearing under his graduation attire. On his bed are two large, half-filled suitcases, and those only serve to add fuel to my fire.
Pointing at the suitcases, I go off.
“Isn’t that just fucking great? You berate me about not committing, about being scared to go for anything I want. When all I’ve wanted was you, and I thought this whole time it was me putting myself out there. It’s so typical that you look right past me, Austin. That you’d leave me behind, just like that.”
His face transforms from resigned defeat to anger to confusion and back to sadness all in the same second. I snap my fingers to emphasize my point, getting right up in his face.
“I’m so fucking tired. So fucking tired of being overlooked. Just because I don’t make a fuss about myself or the things I want doesn’t mean I don’t want to be special too. I want to be admired by the few people I let close enough. I want to be cared for like I’m fragile and incredible and no one wants me to break. Do you know how often I feel like no one notices anything I do? Every single day. I shouldn’t have to shout from the rooftops to be given the respect and love I desire. But apparently, unless I do that, I’m not worth it to you.”
I didn’t fight for myself; I didn’t truly speak my mind during the conversation that ended us. But I have nothing to lose now. He’ll be gone in forty-eight hours. And if I have to live with these words trapped inside my chest for the next however many years, they’ll poison me. They needed to be released.
“I can’t do this.” He sighs, looking down at the ground.
“You can’t do this?” I harrumph, high on my anger. “Well, well, what a fucking surpr—”
“I love you!” He blows up, throwing his hands over his head. “Isn’t that just the worst part of this? Of course, I love you, Taya. You think it would be so damn difficult to leave if I didn’t? I’m sitting here depressed as hell instead of relishing every second of my future. I’m moving to New York to pursue my dream, and all I can think about is how much I’m going to fucking miss you. I’m trying, trying so hard, to put you first. You don’t deserve someone who is over a hundred miles away, who won’t be reachable when you need them. You deserve someone who sees you from the very moment they meet you. I’m an idiot! I didn’t see you until it was too late, and now …”
Fists dive into his sandy blond hair, and he looks like he might rip it all out.
“You love me?” I blink, all the air gone from my lungs.
Austin stalks toward me, his gorgeous face trained in a deadly serious expression.
“I’m in love with you. Every cell in my body is for you. I hate that I haven’t said it, that I’ve been too scared to. You’re right, about everything. I should have been shouting it, fucking screaming it. You’re worth everything, Taya. Which is why I wanted you to have everything you deserve.”
“I deserve you. I want you!” I cry. “I love you.”
He’s on me before I can take another breath, and we fall to the mattress.
“I’m never letting you go. Fuck the distance.” He growls as we claw at each other.
Our clothes come off so fast that I can barely breathe in time with our movements.
“You better not. I love you. I love you,” I repeat as he reaches for the nightstand.
In an instant, he’s inside me, and this make up is the most intense, passionate experience I’ve ever had in my life.
Austin’s eyes never leave mine, and I know for certain that we’re not over. We’ll never be over.
We may have a million things to figure out, but he promised not to let me go.
For the first time, I allow my fear to melt away. I’m putting my trust in him and giving into every ounce of love I feel.
We’ve earned the right to figure out our happily ever after.