Tarnished Love by Bianca Borell
FILIP
I stayed behind to see her. It killed something inside me, and I lost Bria again. She stares outside her office window—her face tilted an inch, massaging her heart, her steps faltering, so damn pale it wrecks me. If this is love, I don’t fucking want it. I can’t fight with her, but I can fight with him.
Monday morning, I storm inside his office. The image of him shocks me, and I freeze. His heavy-lidded eyes find me, his face wears no mask at all, just an image of desolation.
“Happy now?”
“I am not in the fucking mood, Filip.”
“You shattered her.”
“Leave.”
“Do you have any idea what you did?”
Guilt blinks back at me. I slump on the couch, holding my face between my hands.
“How can you hate her like this?”
“Didn’t you want me to push her.”
“Not like this, Damien, not with Monica.”
“It’s done.”
“Apologize to her.”
“Never.”
“One day you will regret it.”
“I am done, what I’ll do from now on will be to save her from me.”
“You realized it, didn’t you?” He winces.
“It doesn’t matter.” I trudge away, bumping into Monica, smiling from ear to ear.
“He’ll never love you.”
“He will.”
“Good luck with that.” I am done, I am so fucking done.
“Who needs luck when I have him.” Yes, she is delusional.
I click through the presentation, and after I lost count of the times I got distracted, I shut my laptop.
“I’ll work from home the rest of the week,” I tell my assistant and rush away.
“Chloe called,” Sophia says. I miss her, but I can’t, I can’t be this vulnerable.
“Filip, talk to me.”
“Not now.”
“I am worried.”
“I am fine.”
“Come back.”
“I can’t see her.”
“Bria doesn’t look well.”
I want to shout she isn’t well, and she hasn’t been well for years but what Damien did slipped her mask off her face.
“Talk to you later.”
“Filip,” she pleads, but I hang up. I park the car and tighten my hands on the steering wheel, slamming my head back. I inhale and exhale. There is nothing I can do, and the truth won’t set anyone free anymore. We’ll all face the consequences of our actions eventually. I plod toward my door and falter when I catch Chloe, fighting with a button on her coat, rocking from one foot to the other. I can’t do this. My keys jingle with the tremor of my hand. I can’t bring myself to tell her to leave, so I sink on the couch, open my laptop, and answer some of my emails.
The steam of a cup of tea snatches me from my work. She is bent over, offering me the drink. I forgot she’s even here. I shut my eyes and take the cup.
“Thank you.” There are no other words, my insides crack with hurt. And even though it’s not her fault, she is a woman too, and the women I love leave me.
Her eyes light up with an idea, and she rushes outside only to come back with a portfolio. I catch myself pushing my laptop aside and giving all my attention to it. I open it and her beauty in black and white hits me, as she lies on a rock, water dripping from her, her nipples pointed up in her swimsuit. I flick to the next one, in the sea, the photograph caught her hair as she threw her head back, her eyes so intense a shiver rocks me. By the end I forget about everything except her, her sweet smell, the warmth of her seeping through my arm. She wraps her arms around me while I go limp in her embrace. I bury my head in her neck while she caresses my back.
“It was minus three degrees. From all the sunspots, they thought bathing suits go best with mountains and snow behind us. It’s May, everywhere else is warm, but we had to shoot in Canada. My ovaries froze and are at the bottom of the sea.” I chuckle while she continues.
“And then you have to contort your face into a happy, not freezing your tits off look while the photographer wishes you to make love to the camera. I never got that one. I almost shouted at him to get it up in the biting cold if he wants me to make love to the bloody camera.” Laughter spills from my dry throat, and my fingers burrow into her skin.
“A seagull appeared. I shrieked him off. Not only that, but they brought horses too because bathing suits and horses work together so well. Horses, Filip.”
She rolls her eyes, she’s hilarious, and comfort spreads through me. “I had to ride it. I have no idea how to ride.”
“So did you?”
“Of course, I am a pro.” She flicks her hair back and juts her chin up, and I nibble on her lower lip.
“Can you show me how much of a pro you are?”
“Don’t do this again.” I nod, because I thought I have this under control, but I don’t, and she makes everything better.
“Only if you show me how you rode that horse.”
“Filip,” she says and scrunches her nose. I peck the tip of it and rise to my feet, while her hands stay locked around my waist.
I lose myself in her mouth, soft skin, and moans. Maddening, incredible in and out. It drives me crazy the way she clutches around me, climbing her high, coaxing mine out of me.
***
Spent but satisfied, I prop on my elbow, staring at her. She tucks a strand of my hair falling across my face away. She doesn’t inquire, just waits, and I catch myself confessing.
“Damien brought Monica.” Her hand halts, something like guilt etches in her features. “You knew?” She nods, and I sigh, rolling on my back, eyeing the ceiling.
“Always loyal to him.” I am not even jealous anymore, it’s a fact.
“I tried to make him change his mind.”
“No one can do that. The only exception has been my sister.”
“Yes, stubborn.”
“If I knew he stopped loving her, I would have never taken this personally. I always thought he’d see past her mask. I guess his hurt blinds him.”
“It’s not his job to save her.”
“Oh, you’re wrong. They can either save or ruin each other. It took me years to realize this.”
“This is why you didn’t answer your phone.”
“I don’t want to end up like them. I succeeded all these years, and then you stormed into my life.” Even to my ears, my tone sounds harsh.
“Don’t blame me.” She glares at me, and I roll her on her back.
“I do.”
“Prick.”
“Why did you come here?”
“Because we said we would try, well, this is me trying.”
“I was an ass. You didn’t deserve my silent treatment.”
“At least there is hope for you.”
I chuckle, and silence her with my mouth.
***
She’s in the kitchen talking to her manager and cooking while I arrange the table. I like her in my house, in my bed, next to me. Her strawberry blond head pops out from the kitchen.
“Five more minutes.”
I sit on the bar stool while she offers me a spoon to taste, the rich flavor of peas, meat, and corn mixing in my mouth.
“You like it.” I pretend to eat the spoon while she giggles.
“Your roommate is away. Stay here with me.” I can’t swallow the food until she nods, and I relax, her presence does that to me. I crave her around me.
Day five and I love coming home knowing she’s here. I ignore how my bathroom turned into some sort of salon/spa and the fact that she emptied a side of my walk-in closet. She didn’t ask, just took. It’s sexy. The guys fire messages at me, but luckily Nico is away on some yacht tour, and Micha is busy with his master’s degree.
“I’ll be away for three days next week. How was work?” she says while we eat the takeout I brought home.
“I finished another campaign,” I say and show it to her, while her eyes twinkle. Pride fills me.
“So, continuing the family theme?”
“It’s the most successful one.”
“Never change a winning system, right?”
“I want you in my campaign.” Her eyes widen, and I add, “To raise awareness. You don’t like to be reduced to your image, but, Chloe, I can’t change what masses buy, and if I can I’ll switch their focus to fair trade.”
“I’ll do it.”
“Thank you.”
I squeeze her hand, and she smiles, that wide, intimate one.
