Camden by Shey Stahl

 

I’m paid to perform.

The goal? Simple. Win.

That’s what the Sawyer brothers want to see from me. They don’t pay me to take unnecessary risks. And judging by Tiller’s face, the set form, the hard dark eyes and you-fucked-up expression he’s wearing, I’d say he knows the risk I took last night. Four times last night and into this morning. In fact, I locked my van door and River and I were in there the entire night while I worshiped her body like she deserved. I couldn’t, didn’t want to let go. I still don’t.

But still, I can’t tell the one before me any of that. At least not without dying.

We’re sitting around outside the motorhome that morning, drinking coffee and talking about what trail we’re riding today when Tiller comes closer.

“Hey man,” I say when he sits next to me in a camp chair. I wait, trying to test the waters, knowing where this leads if I’m the first to say anything about last night.

“Where were you last night?” he spits, glaring at me. We were supposed to go on a ride last night and I bitched out and avoided his calls. For good reason if you ask me but I doubt he feels the same way.

Breathing in, do you notice the way I shift my stance away from him? I’m preparing for the verbal lashing I know is coming from him. To be fair, I think Tiller knows about me and River. And if I didn’t know any better, he’s testing me. Giving me a chance to tell him before he blows up. I can’t do it. I can’t even make the words form in fear or the aftermath.

“Around.” I swallow, nervously. Everything I’ve ever learned about motocross, I’ve learned from the one in front of me. The one I made a promise to. Here’s the thing though. My promise to his daughter meant more.

In the next second, he’s in my face, a tick of his jaw and a scowl present. “Don’t fuck with me. I wrote the motherfucking book on avoidance.” He grabs me by my jersey and our eyes lock. “Don’t lie.”

As a general rule of mine, I’ve made it a point to never piss off the Wild Cat if I can help it. I once shoved him in the heat of an argument and it didn’t end well for me. He broke my nose without a second thought.

“Cool it.” Shade steps between us, loosening Tiller’s grip on me. “Let’s ride.”

Tiller lets go of me and I fall back into the chair beside me. I laugh it off, but the thing is, I know how to play this game with Tiller. I’ve been doing it for years. I lock eyes with him and smile, but I don’t offer any explanation as to why I avoided him last night.

Shade gives me a look, one that screams, you fucked up, and you’re gonna pay later.

“And where were you?” Tiller snaps his eyes to River, who’s sitting across from me, red cheeked and chewing on a piece of candy Ariah gave her moments ago.

“She was in our motor home,” Scarlet’s quick to add, shaking her head as she sets Sloane down after changing her clothes for the third time this morning. Once after breakfast when she squirted ketchup all over herself. Another when she decided to roll around in the dirt and once more when she helped herself to the chocolate bars next to the s’mores kit.

“Sure, she was,” Tiller mumbles, walking away from us and over toward his bike behind the motor home.

My heart thuds loud in my chest but I hold it. Internalize what I can and relax into the chair. River’s eyes slide to mine and I wink at her. Her cheeks turn pink and I’m reminded of this morning when I said her pussy was my breakfast.

Do I regret last night? No, but in some ways, yes. I know where this is heading.

It’s hours later when the guys take off riding. I decided to stay back because I have to leave today for New York.

While Scarlet, Ophelia and Amberly take the younger kids swimming, I’m left alone with River. Her eyes find mine. “Did you tell him?”

I fight the urge to laugh in her face. Instead I shift in my seat. “I wouldn’t be standing here if I did.”

“Technically you’re sitting.” Straddling me, she traces my jaw with her fingertips. It sends a spark of unwanted temptation through me.

Why her?

Why his daughter?

I ask myself this constantly and never get many answers from myself. Probably because they’re not the answers I want to hear.

But I also know what she wants. A relationship. Something I’m not good at because I’ve never had one that held significance other than the friendships I’ve forged with her family.

And this, me and River, would be the end of that.

I also don’t have time for it. I’m competing in three different series this year and training for Erzberg. I don’t need a girlfriend. “We have to be careful,” I tell her, urging her off my lap. I tap my hand to her thigh and she gets up.

“You mean hide it from him?”

I nod. “Yes.”

She takes my hand in hers and nods to my van. “Show me how much you’re going to miss me while you’re gone.”

And I do, because even though I know I’m not what she needs, she makes me weak.

Believe me, I want to give her everything but how much can I commit to her if I can’t even be seen with her out in the open?

Tiller sure as shit isn’t going to approve of me. So what am I supposed to do?

 

 

Remember when I said I was confused?

Still confused.

In fact, it’s worse.

“I’m your assistant,” Scarlet says conversationally on the way from the airport to the event. I’ve been gone all week doing press in New York and though my nerves are all over the place, Scarlet’s distracting me. “What are you getting me for my birthday?”

I roll my head to look over at her, dropping my phone in my lap. “Buy it yourself. Keep the receipt in case you don’t like it. I know you’re indecisive.”

She rolls her eyes. “It doesn’t work that way.”

“Sure, it does.”

Slapping my knee, she motions to the floorboards. “Can you grab my lip balm? I dropped it.”

“No.” I glance at the lip balm that’s by my foot. “Lick your lips and concentrate on driving. You know, I don’t even need an adrenaline rush when I can increase my heart rate by riding with a lunatic.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“You just drove on the sidewalk,” I point out, my voice raising. I’m starting to fear for my life. “Get me out of this car. I’m not riding with you anymore.”

“I’m not that bad.”

I stare at her in disbelief. “Yes, yes you are. You need to cut your license up and find a bike. Wear a helmet.”

“If you don’t stop picking on me I’ll drive your ass to the mafia side of town and leave you there.”

“You don’t even know where that is because you forgot your phone and you’re apparently driving by brail.” I gesture out the window with a flick on my wrist. “Those are called rumble strips to let you know you’re on the shoulder of the road, smarty-pants.”

She rolls her eyes. “You’re so annoying.”

Sighing, I glance around the van. I’ve never seen it before, or maybe she’s had it and I’ve never paid attention. “Where did you even get this thing?” I look down at my phone and tap the screen checking the time. “I know Shade didn’t buy you a van.”

“I bought it with my own money.” Scarlet pauses, switches lanes and a siren of horns follows. “Well, you did, actually, because you pay me to keep you organized.”

I look up from my phone at the passing cars. “Yeah, well, if you don’t stay in your lane, I won’t be organized. I’ll be dead.” Just then, she hits the curb and the van jolts sideways. “Scarlet!”

“Whoops! Oh, look, we’re here.” She points to the row of trailers lining the streets.

“Thank fuck,” I mumble, opening the door. The second I’m out of the van, it’s apparent I’m not getting alone time tonight.

My blood pressure is still through the roof when I make it to the S3 tent. I’m swamped with media appearances and don’t get a chance to see River until halfway through the event, and even then, I don’t talk to her.

I want to explain why I’ve barely kept in touch. Do I even know why? Okay, I do. Fear. But you’re beginning to see a pattern here, aren’t you? I do things, disappear, and then return and wonder where I stand. Even with myself. I don’t understand it, when I began to do it, or why. Maybe because I witnessed Roan do it so often. In fact, my life’s playing out a lot like his now, isn’t it?

Did you know that Ophelia is the daughter of Carl Hadley, the head of the Sawyer brother’s security? He is, or was. He’s since retired, but this situation, it’s familiar. It’s nothing new. It happens. And now I’m learning the consequences. I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m so far in my own head here I’m lost. I also know I can’t keep this up with River, at least not around here. And I’m not going to lie to Tiller about it. He met up with me last week in New York and it was like being interrogated by the FBI for murder and he didn’t even ask any questions. I’m just that paranoid.

It’s at the end of the event, which I take second to Shade, that I finally see River. I’m loading my gear back into Roan’s truck because we leave tomorrow for Erzberg for a month.

River doesn’t know. I haven’t told her. Hell, I haven’t even fucking called. I know, huge, asshole move on my part. Every time I tried to call, I chickened out.

“You’re off in a hurry,” she says, smiling at me.

My heart beats harder. The sound of her voice sends a jolt of electricity through me. I want to turn, kiss her and slam her up against the side of the truck. Not to hurt her, but convey the need. She’s all I’ve thought about these last few weeks and to say I haven’t been able to get her out of my mind is an understatement.

“Sorry. Running late. As usual.”

She laughs. “Leaving again?”

I nod. “Erzberg training.”

Her face falls. “Right.”

I stand with my shoulder pressed into the side of the van. I don’t want to do this, but I know I need to. River comes closer, her eyes watchful on the parking lot, but still, she risks everything and presses her lips to mine. For a minute, I let it go on, because I’ve missed her. Because I want this with her in more ways than I can ever explain.

Do you see us there? Do you notice the way her body curves to mine? The way there’s no space between us? Do you see the way she clings to my body, not caring about anything else?

But do you see me? Do you realize how hard it is for me to control it? To hold back? There’s a fraction of a second when I’m weak and I kiss her again, never able to stop. I’m breathing hard, needing more before reality slams into me. I’m leading her on. I can’t do this tonight.

“As much as I want to continue this….” I place my hands on her shoulders and gently push back. “We need to talk.”

Her swollen lips part and the expression on her face falters. She knows. “Why?”

I draw in a deep breath. I don’t want to do this. I beg myself not to. “Because this will never be okay with your dad.”

She blinks rapidly, her hair moving in the wind, the lights of the Ferris wheel in the background reflecting in her dark eyes. “I don’t care what he thinks.”

“That’s the thing, he will.” I touch my hand to her hip. “I work for him. I can’t take that risk. I’m sorry. Regardless of how I feel about you this is the last thing we need. You have a career on the line. I do too…. There’s too much against us.”

River sucks in a breath, her jaw tight, eyes wild. I know this look. It’s betrayal. “Who is she?”

“Come on, River. Don’t do that.” I groan and run my hands over my face. “It’s not like that. I can’t be with anyone. You need someone who’s going to put you first, and I can’t do that at the moment.”

She closes her eyes and sighs. “So, it really was you just fulfilling a promise so you didn’t look like the bad guy?”

“It was… a long time coming,” I pause, hating myself for what I’m about to say. “But a lapse in judgment.”

Jesus Christ. What a fucking bitch move. You want to junk punch me, don’t you? Get in line. By the devastated look on River’s face, she’s going to beat you to it.

I might as well have slapped her in the face and said I didn’t love her by the hate she holds for me. In this moment, she’s the spitting image of Tiller. So determined to hurt me now. I can literally see it building inside her. “You regret it?”

I reach up to touch her cheek but she jerks her face away. “Being with you, no. But the action, yes, because now that I’ve been with you,” I try to touch her again but she pulls back, denies and creates distance. “I don’t want to walk away. It’s what’s best for both of us.”

Her hands hang on her hips, her breathing heavy, eyes glossy. She’s trying not to cry and I’m trying too. “Let me decide what’s best for me.”

My brain is yelling for me to shut up. I don’t though. I never do. I draw in a breath. “Riv, please try to understand.”

“I get it.” Another step back and she might as well be a hundred at the coldness in her words. “It’s a classic. It’s not me, it’s you.”

She turns and tries to walk away from me, but I’m not having it. I step in front of her and back her against Roan’s truck with my hand on her stomach. “Don’t walk away from me.”

“Why? You do it to me. Over and over again.”

She’s not wrong, but it doesn’t stop my heart from shattering at her words.