Camden by Shey Stahl

 

Pain radiates through my body in waves. The intensity of it comes and it goes, a constant aching in my bones, my chest, pretty much everywhere, but it’s distinctly centered in my head. Or maybe my heart, because that’s where this hurts the most.

I stare at the white ceiling, blinking several times. Everything begins to come back to me in waves, unclear and clouded waves, but I remember what I need to.

I wasn’t good enough for him.

Did you see it coming?

Why didn’t you warn me?

Right. You probably did and I would have ignored you, convinced I’d be able to handle it because my love for River outweighed anything rational.

You’re also wondering why I didn’t fight back, aren’t you?

Where would that have gotten me?

Remember when I said if I actually hit someone, I wouldn’t stop?

It’s true. I wouldn’t have.

I can’t control my reaction to the images in my head, but it happens, my body reacting, the tears in my eyes spilling over my cheeks. There’s so much pain, hatred and sadness pouring from me I don’t even know what to make of it or what else to say.

He… let me down.

I should have saw that one coming. In fact, I did. Long before any of this started with River. Back when I knew she’d always be off-limits to me, and still, I didn’t listen. I disrespected him in the worst way.

His daughter.

I lay there, waiting for my heart to settle, cursing myself for being so stupid, and the air of uncertainty hovering over me and knowing my whole world is crumbling.

I did this.

I deserve this.

They’ve finished stitching up my head and I’m thinking River is going to come in at any second, when the door opens, and in walks guess who?

Not Tiller. But the second to last person I want to see.

My father. Jerad Rivera.

I blink, my focus fading as my eyes drift closed momentarily. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

He regards me, shakes his head and buries his hands deep in the pockets of his five-thousand-dollar suit. “I’m your emergency contact.” And then he sighs and his eyes meet mine. I’m fourteen again, not good enough for him either. “Saw River…. You’re dumber than I thought. Is she even eighteen?”

“Not that it’s any of your fucking business, but yes.” My heart pumps in my chest, unpredictably, wildly, a reminder that despite feeling like the world just collapsed around me, I’m still alive.

His thick dark brows pull together. “What are you going to do?”

I stare at the wall the best I can. Everything is still blurry. “She’s going to have the baby.”

Swallowing and nodding like he’s hearing me, but already moved on in his head, he sighs again. This time there’s disappointment to it. “And I suppose she expects you to pay for it all.”

I groan and lay my head back against the pillow, wishing they would have given me the good drugs so I could fall asleep and forget the last couple hours. “What are you even doing here?”

“I’m still your emergency contact. The hospital called after Roan left you here.”

Well fuck. Should have fixed that, shouldn’t I? “He didn’t leave me here. I told him to go.”

“Yeah, and who did this to you?”

I don’t answer because I don’t want to hear I told you so.

“You’re making the biggest mistake of your life,” he adds. “Having a child, with her.”

I level him a glare, one that speaks volumes of our relationship with one another. “Is that what you think? That I’m following in your footsteps because you were here once, in my place?” He says nothing. Not a goddamn word. “Because I guarantee you, River is not a one-night stand and my son, he’s not a mistake to me and I’ll never regret his presence in this world.”

His. I don’t think he knew we were having a boy.

Shock hits his face but he rearranges it easily. He straightens his posture and draws in another breath. “Change your emergency contact.”

And then he walks out of the room, the door slamming behind him.

It’s another hour before River shows up. Tears are in her eyes as she cautiously approaches my bed, sitting beside me. Instinctively, I lean into her hand despite the obvious bruising to my cheek. “You don’t look so hot.”

I almost laugh, but I don’t because I know the pain that will come if breathing hurts this bad. “Nah, I’m tough.”

She presses her lips to my temple. “I know, but you look pretty banged up.”

I attempt to roll my eyes, but it hurts. “Are you kidding me? I look hot in this hospital gown.”

River’s eyes drag over my face. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I knew he was going to freak out on us, but I never thought he would hurt you like that.” She sighs, the dejection in her voice somewhat suffocating.

I swallow over the tears stinging my throat and I wish I could say my voice doesn’t reflect them, but it breaks despite my hold on it. “Riv, we’re fooling ourselves. We knew he’d react that way.”

She nods, brushing away tears as she sits gingerly on the edge of my bed, her hand on her swollen stomach.

I clear my throat, but it’s gravelly. “It doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”

Turning, she looks over her shoulder at me and I wish I knew the expression she holds, but I don’t. I haven’t seen this one before. It’s almost as if she’s guilty. “But it changes how you feel about him?”

I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t even know what I’d say to him if he was in the same room with me now. Us not telling Tiller was a joint decision. We went back and forth for the last seven months, but ultimately, neither of us knew how. Unfortunately, it happened in the worst way. She’s afraid of bringing me unwanted drama and I get that, but I’m not letting go after this. If anything, standing up to him and confessing my feelings for her cements that for me… I’m not letting this girl out of my life. “Listen.” My voice is drawn out now, slow and lethargic. I’m fighting through the pain medication. “I’m in this with you and our boy.”

“I know.” She’s quick to say, her eyes snapping to mine, holding my hand in hers. “I’m not going anywhere either. Do you hate him?”

I don’t answer her, because I’m not sure how to. I don’t hate Tiller. He did what he did because he was hurt, and that’s how he reacts. I can’t blame him for that. We lied to him. The kid who looked up to him for the last fifteen years broke his trust. That’s just as much on me as him.

But the rejection, that’s heavy. And more than I had been expecting.

She smiles at me, tears forming in her sad brown eyes, and a sensation bursts in my chest before sinking into the pit of my stomach. Tears spill over and I think, no, maybe she finally understands. Her words tremble when she says my name. “Camden,” she sighs. Her eyes move to mine and they tear at my chest. I feel her in every part of my soul, and that’s the overwhelming and consuming part about this. “Talk to me.”

“I can’t.” I shake my head because this pain can’t be put into words.

I don’t want her to see me like this, broken and confused.