Camden by Shey Stahl
In the days following the hospital, reality sinks in. River moves in with me and I find myself relieved we don’t have to hide anymore, but also, shit’s changed. We’re expecting a baby in six weeks. She constantly asks, “Are you sure you want me here?”
And my answer every time is, “I want you in every space I have because that’s where you’ve always been.”
I do.
Even after everything, my feelings for her haven’t changed. They’ve intensified, but I’m struggling with how to show her. Emotionally, I’m in lockdown, unable to process the stages I’m going through.
I’m still training for Erzberg, but I’m lost in more ways than one. The situation with Tiller really fucked me up, understandably so.
To be honest, I don’t know what any of this means anymore. Racing. Life. What is it? I can’t place it. I do remember what Shade told me once. Pain is tolerable. Not competing, that’s not a fucking option for me.
That’s exactly how I feel but the FIM has other ideas about that and suspends me until I’m cleared for my concussion. I mean, I can’t make out the ramp that well, but where’s the harm in that?
What surprises the hell out of me is when I question if I want to stay with the Sawyer brothers and compete for them. I signed a year contract, and it’s nearing that year this summer. Do I want to be associated with Tiller anymore and his volatile ways?
Is it good for me?
I… don’t have an answer. At least not one I’m satisfied with.
Roan and Shade… they have other ideas.
“We want you to stay with S3,” Roan says, as Shade nods.
Do you see us there sitting together at that small roadside burger stand? I’m across from Roan, staring at my half-eaten burger, my stomach rolling at the idea of distancing myself from these guys. My brothers. The ones who’ve shaped my entire life.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“You’re not leaving,” Shade says, point fucking blank. He stares me down. “You’re our boy, and regardless of the Wild Cat, you’re staying with us.”
I nod, though I’m not convinced. Drawing in a breath, I lean back. “He doesn’t want me here though.”
Roan immediately shakes his head and rests his elbows on the table. “He does, he just won’t say it because he’s too fucking stubborn.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek. Stubborn? Yeah, he is, but since that day two weeks ago, I haven’t talked to Tiller. I haven’t even seen him. He took off on his bike the next day and went down to Mexico, off the fucking deep end. Even Amberly hasn’t heard from him.
We don’t know if he’s alive, or what, but knowing him, he disappeared to clear his head.
I try to put myself in his shoes, I really do, and I know I disappointed him. I disappointed myself. I should have been man enough to go to him and explain, but I kept it from him.
We’re both wrong here.
