Camden by Shey Stahl
Do you see that girl holding the baby? In many ways, she’s a child herself. Eighteen years old and still naïve.
As I gaze down at the baby in my arms, I smile, cry, so many emotions burst through me, but in that moment as he stares back at me, I’m selfless. No longer concerned about myself. I want everything for him and so much more. It’s then I finally know what my birth mom felt like. Actually, both of them. Ava gave me a chance in this world and Amberly, she made sure all my dreams came true. Including by keeping my secrets, even if it meant a strain on her own marriage.
Do you see my mom there? Hovering over me, smiling down at her first grandbaby?
“I can’t believe he came out of me.” I hadn’t been this proud of myself since that first moto championship when I was ten.
Do you notice the accomplishment in my tone?
“Me either. I’m a grandma,” Mom gushes in a squeal and sits beside me, watching me with my son. She glances around the room. “Where’s Camden?”
“Outside cleaning his truck out and installing the baby seat.”
She strokes the side of my head, tucking strands of my hair behind my ear. “I still remember the day you puked in your dad’s truck.”
I’ve heard this story before. He was driving crazy—nothing new—and I threw up all over the truck. I hold the baby closer as he squirms and fusses a touch, but is quick to calm down. “Have you heard from dad?”
Mom’s eyes shift to the baby and then me. “No. He… needed to be alone.”
“Do you think he’s coming back?”
She kisses my forehead. “He always does. This is how he processes things. I know it might seem like he’s a horrible person after what he did, but deep down, he’s devastated by it.”
“He should be.” Him leaving and distancing himself, that part I understood. Roan does it, Camden does it, it’s their way of detaching and internalizing. What I don’t understand is why he hasn’t called mom. “Are you worried?”
Her eyes soften but she holds onto the emotion. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.”
“Maybe this little guy will cheer you up.” I hand her the baby. “Here, Grandma.”
She smiles. “That sounds so crazy to me since I have an eight-year-old at home.”
“The years will fly by and before you know it Wyatt will be in prison,” I tease, taking a drink of my water beside the bed.
“You know, that’s a real fear of mine,” she says, laughing.
When my mom leaves the room, I’m alone with the baby for the first time. There’s been people in and out of the room since I had him this morning, but now, it’s me and him.
Mother and son.
It’s so crazy to think that I’m a mom. I feel so, not qualified for it.
Running my fingertip on his nose, tears fall down my cheeks and onto his. “Before you, everything was so complicated, and then you… and now….” I suck in a deep breath, tears coming so hard and fast now I can barely get the words out. “It’s so clear.”
How? Why him for all this to make sense?
“Cullen Wesley, you saved me.” I kiss his tiny nose. “Lucky for you, we have the rest of our lives together.”
I swear he smiles at me but I’m sure that’s not right. I don’t think newborns smile. Scarlet tells me it’s gas. She also told me breastfeeding doesn’t hurt, so I don’t believe her anymore because that shit fucking hurts.
