Never by Blue Saffire
Chapter 41
Time to Heal
Gutter
I step into the clubhouse with my arm around Sal. I kiss her temple and give her a smile. She’s clearly still shaken up. If I could put four more bullets in that motherfucker, I would.
“Terry, I planned to give you my room here. Since Sal and I need a place to stay, I’m going to need you to give me a minute to talk to Prez to get you set up,” I say to my wide-eyed cousin.
“He can stay in my room,” Sal says. “Or we can, and he can have your room.”
“You sure about that?” I lift a brow.
“Yeah, if he doesn’t mind that I was boy band poster crazy in my teens and the evidence is still in there.”
I choke out a laugh and peek over at Terry. “He’ll love it.”
Terry gives me a small grin. I shrug it off and wave for him to follow us. Sal laces her fingers through mine and leads the way to her old room. I notice it’s in the opposite direction of our room.
“Not for nothing, this place is a lot nicer than I expected it to be,” Terry moves closer to me and whispers.
“Stop watching TV,” I snort and say over my shoulder.
Sal opens the door to her room and we all step in. She wasn’t joking about the posters. She looks to me and stifles a laugh.
“I know, I know. It was bad.”
“Okay, we would have been besties,” Terry says as he takes his duffel bag from over his shoulder as he looks around the room.
“Still can be,” she says, looking back and forth between us. “You guys really do look alike.”
I ignore both of her comments. One, they can’t be besties because Terry ruins everything he touches. Second, yeah, we look a lot alike, and that shit has never been good for me.
“If you need anything. Text me,” I say to Terry.
“Are you sure your prez will be okay with me being here? I mean, are all these guys cool with my queer ass being in their club?” he asks, running a nervous hand through his hair.
“Lost Souls aren’t like that,” Sal replies. “I mean, some of the guys will murmur and have questions, but no one will give you shit, and my brother welcomes family. You’re Pierson’s family, so you’re ours.”
He looks at me through his lashes. I would rather talk my shit out with Sal, but I see I need to handle this shit with Terry. This is getting awkward, and I know I’m being an ass to him.
However, I know what I have here and I can’t afford for him to fuck it all up. So we’re going to talk and make some things very clear. I turn to Sal and pull her into my arms for a hug.
I kiss the top of her head. “Do you mind giving us a few? I promise to come right to you.”
“Of course, take your time. I’m sure Eva and King want to see me. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me,” she says and lifts onto her toes to kiss my lips.
I watch as she leaves the room. As soon as she pulls the door shut behind her, I spin on Terry and glare at him. His shoulders slump and he moves to sit on the bed.
“There’s a bathroom in here. If you don’t want to come out of this room, you really don’t have to. But if you choose to… this is my family. Those are my brothers out there. They are taking you in, so you be real fucking careful you don’t start some shit that threatens my family and the life I’ve built,” I warn.
He stands again. “Pier, I’m not here to cause you any trouble. I’m so regretful for what you had to do for me. I promise as soon as I can get out of your hair I will.”
I look him over from head to toe while working my jaw. The memories of the past have left a bitter taste in my mouth. With a snarl, I move to get in his face.
“You’ve made that same promise in the past. The difference is… now I have shit to live for. I swear to you Terry. I lose my life here because of you, there will be no more you,” I say firmly.
With that, I turn to leave the room. “She’s gorgeous. I can see why you’re so protective of her,” he says to my back, causing me to spin around to face him again.
I narrow my eyes at him and he gives me a weak smile. I fold my arms across my chest and watch him closely. He looks clean. I want to believe he is for good.
“God.” He looks up at the ceiling, his throat working as he stares up there. “I’ve thought a million times of all the things I’d say to you. I went from being angry at you, to missing you, to wishing I didn’t fuck up so badly.
“I love you, Pier. You’re all I’ve ever had. I see you’re happy. I don’t want to ruin that for you. If you will allow me to be a part of your life, I promise to toe the line, but if that chance has passed. I’m not going to fuck shit up for you this time.
“I’ll go as soon as it’s safe. I swear,” he says as tears spill down his face.
I look down at my boots. All the things I know about Terry tell me to turn and never look back. However, I can hear Sal in my ear telling me I’ve grown and if I can, Terry can, too.
I nod and twist my jaw, pulling my hand down my face. “I still need more time to heal, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. You were once my best friend.”
“I’d like to try to get there again. I’m so sorry, Pier. I’ll do anything in my power to show you how sorry I am,” he pleads.
I close the distance and tug him into a hug. This is my first step to healing. Maybe if I can heal from this, I can kill the demons haunting me in my sleep. That way, I know Sal will always be safe with me.
Sal
“You sure you’re good?” King asks for the million time, kissing the top of my head and hugging me around the shoulders.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“I can’t believe that bastard had the nerve to try to break into your place,” King grumbles. “But wait, I’m trying to understand something. I thought you guys said he never got a chance to get a hand on you.”
I scrunch up my face and frown up at him. “He didn’t.”
King's entire demeanor changes. His face turns dark with anger. It’s then I remember the bruises around my neck. I groan to myself.
“Where the fuck did you get the marks on your neck from?” King says in a deathly calm.
“King,” I warn and roll my eyes. “Leave it alone.”
“Wait, tell me that’s not from where I think t's from.”
“It is. I’m sick to my stomach about it—”
“King,” I scream and jump up to grab his arm.
He turns and swings on Gutter so fast my head is spinning and I just barely manage to tug his arm back before he could land the blow. Luckily, Gutter ducked out of the way.
“King,” I growl as I jump in front of him. “We have enough problems without you butting in. He was asleep. He didn’t know it was me trying to wake him. I’ve done the very same thing to him after a nightmare. Drop it.”
“You’re telling me you choked his big ass in your sleep?” King asks while narrowing his eyes at me.
“No,” I murmur.
“I didn’t think so.”
“I split his lip. That’s about the same.”
“It’s not,” King and Gutter say in unison.
I throw my hands up in the air. This is the last thing we need. I need to talk to Gutter and find out where we are.
“You know what? You and I are going to settle this once and for all, otherwise, I’m going to want to kick your ass every time I see you,” King says. “Meet me at Axel’s gym in the morning.”
Without another word, King turns and storms off. I let my shoulders slump and release a long, drawn-out breath. When I turn to look at Gutter, he’s staring at my neck with a look on his face as if he’s going to hurl.
“Please, just come and talk to me,” I whisper.
He nods his head. I move to his side and wrap around his waist. This is where I want to be. I feel safe and I need that more than anything right now.
We sit in Gutter’s room in complete silence for a long time. I’ve kicked off my shoes and curled my legs beneath me. I’m not sure where we should start, all I know is that we have to start somewhere.
“I’ll go to see someone,” Gutter says first. “You have my word on that. For now, I don’t know if I can sleep in the same bed as you.”
My heart sinks. I nod, but I don’t know what else to say. I run my fingers through my growing hair.
“I just gave your cousin my room,” I say bitterly.
“Hey,” he says, reaching for my chin to tip my head back. “I can sleep on the floor or in the chair or something. Not that I sleep much to begin with.”
“Maybe we’re not right for each other.”
He sucks in an audible breath. I look up into his eyes, trying to fight back tears. The pain in his gaze is clear, but I have to get this out.
“Maybe we rushed things. I want totally different things than you—”
“Wait, what?” he says in confusion.
“Do you even understand why I’ve been so upset with you?”
“I don't have a clue and that shit is stressing me the fuck out.”
“You don’t want children, Pierson. You totally shut me down and said no. It’s like you blacked out and dismissed me.”
The blood seems to drain from his face. He turns as white as a sheet. His eyes take on a distant look for a few beats. When they clear and focus again, he drops his gaze to my neck.
“You would want to have children with me after what I did to you. What if I hurt our kid? What if I hurt you while you’re pregnant?”
“What if I grow a second head and start to breathe fire?” I shout back at him and huff. “I can’t live my life by what-ifs. Can’t you understand that? I want to move on and be normal. I want to laugh, love, and raise a family.”
He looks away from me. I scoot closer to him and this time I reach for his face and turn his gaze back to me. Searching for the man I love within his eyes, I find so much vulnerability.
“I want all that with you. I trust you with my life, Pier. Can I say that you will never wake and hurt me again? No, I can’t. Can I be mindful never to try to wake you like that again? Yes, lesson learned.
“I fell in love with you because you were willing to bare yourself to me. In all our fucked-up shit, we found each other. Don’t bail on me now,” I plead.
“I’m not bailing.” He reaches to cup my face in his palm. “A baby? You want to have a baby with me?” He shakes his head. “I’m really going to have to sort my shit out. Give me time.
“This is going to be a hard one for me. Those wounds are deep. I… I don’t ever want my child to be left alone without someone to take care of them,” he says, sounding so much like a lost little boy.
“I get it. But look around us. King is ready to kick your ass over me. Do you think he will be any less protective over a niece or nephew?”
Gutter snorts. “You have a point.”
“Eva, my mom and dad. Our babies would have so many people to love and protect them. We would never have to worry.”
He leans in and captures my lips. When he breaks the passionate kiss, he looks me in the eyes. I smile at him and watch him through my lashes.
“No more blacking out on me when I mention babies in our future.”
He runs a hand over my hair and cups the back of my neck. “I truly didn’t know. I’ll do better.”
“I love you. We can do this together.”
“I love you too. We’ll start looking for a new place. We’re not going back to that apartment.”
“Thank God,” I breathe and collapse into him.
We both start to chuckle. He kisses the top of my head and I know all will be okay. I’m still a bit worried about why Hoover came to the apartment looking for me and something in the back of my mind keeps whispering that Spencer is still out there, that I’ve had enough drama today to last a lifetime.
I need sleep, hopefully, this man will allow me to do that in his arms. That one we’ll definitely have to work on.