Dare to Love My Grumpy Boss by Ellie Hall

4

Shaw

In any other office, memes about it being Monday, complete with petitions for a steady coffee drip, would filter through the cubicles.

Not here. This is a no-fun zone. No laughter, no bowls of candy on desks, and definitely no pranks.

It’s partially my fault. I built this company and then handed over the reins without including a contingency in the contract that so much as hinting at a smile is permissible.

I wonder if I could change things. Write some code into these office stiffs that would force them to crack a joke around the water cooler. Oh, wait. We don’t have one of those. Instead, we have a glass, gravity-induced, touchless “bevi” dispenser.

Just to tick the others off, I could come in with a jumbo Slurpy or something equally obnoxious and filled with food dye and sugar.

They’d probably cower in fear that I’d dump it over one of their heads. It happened with a cup of water once—but the object of the liquid was hungover and not doing his job. I had to wake him up somehow.

I don’t usually go for stuff like that, but after being stuck here for much of the weekend, giving very little meaning to the start of the week since it never ended, I’m starved for diversion, amusement, something funny from @CookClickChick.

After checking my HUB messages for the third time and making sure I did not turn the settings for notifications off, I force myself to review the office brief—a timeline for what to expect this week, including projects completed and on the docket.

It’s all kinds of boring and I alternate between thinking about my next trip and wondering what @CookClickChick is doing right now.

What she’s wearing.

What she looks like.

What her voice sounds like...

My computer pings. In record time, except the time I intercepted some corrupted files that would’ve taken down our servers, I click on my HUB account.

@CookClickChick: Remind me not to go to another wedding for a while.

I know I should play it cool or at least make it seem like I’m working, but I reply instantly.

@PacManWizard: Then I’m guessing it was worse than the takeout order mix-up that plagued my Saturday night. Let’s say I’m not a fan of calamari. Someone got lucky and had my onion rings with their dinner.

@CookClickChick: Seriously? I love how calamari is so slimy and rubbery. Yum.

I wrinkle my nose.

@PacManWizard: Oh, I forgot. You love to cook. But that might be a deal breaker for me.

@CookClickChick: I’m kidding. Understandably, you wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who likes calamari. I wouldn’t either. I’ll admit I tried it once, and that was more than enough. The food at the wedding was subpar.

@PacManWizard: I bet you could’ve made a better menu.

@CookClickChick: For all you know, I could be terrible in the kitchen.

@PacManWizard: Nah, I can tell by the way you talk about cooking that you love it. No way could someone with that amount of passion be a bad cook.

@CookClickChick: I’m blushing. You’re too kind, sir.

This would be the opportunity for us to introduce the idea of getting together for a meal. For meeting in person. For making this something real. I blink a few times and remember to breathe. No, not going there. Anyway, considering the HUB and the companies involved, we probably live on opposite sides of the country. Although, I do travel frequently.

I tell myself to forget it.

@PacManWizard: Tell me about the wedding.

If we were in person, face to face, this would be dangerous territory, akin to asking her what her favorite baby names are. Guys know better than to bring up these topics because they could lead to other conversations—ones about the future, a shared future.

That is not on my timeline.

But with the buffer of screens and the internet between us, I can ask @CookClickChick anything. Well, almost anything. We never get too personal. We don’t even know each other’s real names.

@CookClickChick: Buckle up. It’s about to get boring...and dramatic.

@PacManWizard: I’d rather that than queuing up the Xenz coding.

@CookClickChick: Is that your project du jour? I don’t envy you.

She goes on a tangent about her first experience with that particular computer language. I love it when she gets geeky. There aren’t a lot of women in our field and as always, I admire how clever she is.

I wonder what we’d be like if we shared an office.

If we’d sneak each other actual notes instead of digital ones.

Meet up for a long lunch...

If we’d leave together...

Arrive together...

Never mind. Keep dreaming, nerd.

Not that I need dreams like that to mess with the life I’ve created. I do things on my terms, mostly. Except when I’m strapped to this desk. Nonetheless, I decide to take a risk. We mostly dance around specifics when it comes to the present and any identifiable characteristics.

Takeout but not what restaurant.

Travel but generalities.

Family and friends but no names.

@PacManWizard: Where was the wedding?

@CookClickChick: Lake Winnipesauke. It’s in New Hampshire.

@PacManWizard: Never been. Paint me a picture.

@CookClickChick: I’ve spent a lot of time there. New England. Fresh, clean water. Variable skies. Bugs. Old friends. Best friends. Frenemies.

Her text bubble pulses for a long moment to indicate she’s writing more.

@CookClickChick It was nice to be back. But let me tell you, the drama...

@PacManWizard: I’m all ears if you need to unpack.

@CookClickChick: Nice one. The bride is a high school frenemy. The kind of person who is fake nice but then says offhanded things veiled in either a so-called compliment or a comparison that she thinks/hopes will insult me and my friends. I don’t know if it’s to get under our skin or what. But after all this time, why bother, you know?

@PacManWizard: I’ve come across people like that. I think it’s down to their insecurities. Don’t let it bother you. Remember, you know how to cook and how to code. I bet she isn’t close to being as cool as you.

@CookClickChick: Aw. But she can code. We were total AV nerd rivals. But you think I’m cool? I’m questioning your taste ;-)

@PacManWizard: Nah, we’ve already established I don’t like calamari. Obviously, I have good taste. Anyway, you’re the coolest!

@CookClickChick: I could be a troll. Not the internet kind. Or like Miranda. Like an actual troll. Like Shrek.

@PacManWizard: Shrek was a dude and I think he was an ogre.

@CookClickChick: Then maybe I’m a tro-gre? Troll-gre. Trollgre?

I laugh so hard, I snort, nearly getting my sip of coffee up my nose.

@PacManWizard: You actually made me LOL.

@CookClickChick: I will consider that my win for the day. But what if I have green skin, ear hair, and giant teeth?

@PacManWizard: Laughter trumps looks.

@CookClickChick: Said no guy ever.

@PacManWizard: How do you know I’m not a tro-gre or some kind of beast?

@CookClickChick: I guess I just have a feeling. You know what happens to the Beast in the Disney movie. But back to me ;-) What if I’m the girl version of Shrek—Fiona?

@PacManWizard: If you’ve seen that movie, you know she isn’t actually hideous. And the whole moral of the story is not to judge a book or an ogre by its cover.

@CookClickChick: What about judging a girl by her code?

@PacManWizard: Then I’d say you’re a smoke show.

Alert, alert. My computer should be beeping and flashing with an angry red warning. We are venturing into unknown, dangerous territory. Turn back while it’s still safe.

@CookClickChick: Even with my ostrich skin?

@PacManWizard: If you’ve seen the movie, you know that everyone has layers. Just like code, right? There’s the way a person looks and no doubt, being attracted to each other is important but character goes a long way too. Whether a person is kind, charitable, honest...all that.

@CookClickChick: Then you might think less of me if I tell you what happened at the wedding.

@PacManWizard: Doubtful. Let me have it. I’m a big boy.

I don’t want her to get the wrong idea about me either—not that it really matters but because we have no idea who sits on the other side of the screen and we’re not exactly coming forward with specifics, I’d better at least give her a sense of my appearance.

@PacManWizard: Um, about the big boy comment—not like Shrek big. Not like Donkey either.

I’m kind of flailing over here. It’s been a while since I’ve flirted. Wait? Is that what’s happening?

@CookClickChick: I have an affinity for donkeys. They’re underappreciated.

@PacManWizard: No, um, I’m just a regular-sized guy. Oof.

She pops three laughing faces into the chat box.

@PacManWizard: Are those at my expense?

@CookClickChick: Absolutely, but get ready to send them right back. So I have four best friends. We call ourselves the Fabulous Five/Fab Five for obvious reasons.

@PacManWizard: And they are...

@CookClickChick: Use context clues...

I smirk. I don’t need to. I was just teasing. She is fabulous and intelligent and hilarious. Definitely not a she-ogre.

@CookClickChick: Friend A is type A, a clothing designer, lives in NYC, travels all over the world. She loves being the “big sister” and dressing us up. She’s the stylish one. Friend B is engaged to the sexiest man alive and...

I can’t help myself. I have to reply to that, she set me up so perfectly.

@PacManWizard: I am not engaged that I know of, so I’m not sure this friend of yours is telling the truth.

@CookClickChick: To think I’ve been chatting with the sexiest man alive all this time and he didn’t tell me? So humble.

@PacManWizard: Ha ha. Actually, I’ve never been voted sexiest man alive, but I’m not half bad. For having a desk job, I’m inordinately fit, strong, capable... I have completed the Iron Man three times and won twice, so the odds are in my favor. Just saying...

More laughing emojis.

@PacManWizard: I’m not kidding.

I’m not, truly.

@CookClickChick: Impressive. Anyway, Friend B is quirky and fun. She’s the silly one. Then there’s Friend C. The sassy one. She generally hates functions like weddings. She’s the kind of person who’d rather not shed a tear and listen to guests gush about the bride and groom and blah, blah, blah. (That’s paraphrased, but the last part is a direct quote.)

@PacManWizard: Sounds like a real bowl of sunshine that one.

@CookClickChick: Once you get to know her...Anyway, the bride fretted over not having something blue. To which Friend C said, “We’re all dressed in blue. Look at us. Five women, in blue.” To really draw a clear picture, imagine five women dressed in blue velvet. I told them we resembled Cookie Monster. They were not amused. Anyway, the bride whined about needing something blue on her person, as is tradition/superstition.

At all this talk about marriage, I pause. We’ve never discussed it because we keep the conversations simple, but I hope @CookClickChick is single. Wouldn’t want to be flirtexting with a woman who is attached. I’ve been cheated on. Not fun. Would never do that to a guy. But how to ask?

@CookClickChick: In classic Friend C form, she tore a piece of the blue underlayment of the dress off. Don’t worry, no one noticed it was missing. Then she gave it to the bride. Of course, there was a lot of fussing. A lot of drama after that.

@PacManWizard: Doesn’t sound that horrible.

@CookClickChick: That was the beginning...of the end.

She goes on to tell me about the ceremony when the bride took selfies during the vows for her social media and posted them live, the reception with several close calls involving cake, and ending with almost getting hit in the head with a shoe.

@PacManWizard: Isn’t the bride supposed to toss her bouquet and whoever catches it is said to be the next to get married?

@CookClickChick: Exactly!

@PacManWizard: So you caught it.

Her text bubble blinks long enough for me to think about how I don’t want her to marry some dude. At least not before we meet and I confirm she isn’t an ogre. But I know we never will. That’s just the way it is. Our relationship is virtual. End of story.

@CookClickChick: Yeah. Looks like I’ll be marrying the next guy I date. Ha.

@PacManWizard: I’ll pretend that doesn’t crush my ogre-loving soul. But you said the Fabulous Five. What about Friend D?

@CookClickChick: She’s the sweetest. Still lives in our hometown. Single mom. And the reason we secretly despise the bride. She’s the sweet one.

I want to ask more questions about Friend D, but mostly I want to know about @CookClickChick, Friend E. What letter does her name start with? Is she serious about marrying the next guy she dates? Does she date? Safe behind the screen and not at all at risk of ever seeing any of this through, I jump back into the chat.

@PackManWizard: So, what about Friend E? You. I’d like to know more about you.

But @CookClickChick leaves me unopened. Why does that feel like waiting for a mega roller coaster at an amusement park and being told it’s closed when I get to the front?