Konrad by LeAnn Ashers
Adeline
One and a Half Years Later
When I walkinto Alisha’s house, she is sitting on the couch with her twin babies. Her husband, Techy, whose real name is Jordan, is sitting with them, doting on the twins. Alisha and Techy met online, and he took her away from a hopeless situation—and Techy and his group killed my husband.
I don’t even want to say his name, the thought of him sickens me so much.
From the moment I met Techy, I’ve been so happy that my daughter knows what a real man is, and what real love is. I am so happy for her.
“Hey Mom, right on time.” Alisha gives me her blinding smile, which reaches her eyes. For years I never saw that.
I smile back at her. I reach down and take a baby from her, smothering her in kisses. I have basically taken over the role of grandmother to every single member of the Devil Souls MC.
The MC has become a huge part of my family. In the beginning they were very wary of me. After all, the past couple of years had been hell. I was barely down from my high, and I couldn’t remember much of my past. I did everything I possibly could to gain their trust and, over time, I did. I babysit their kids when they want a night out. I am the person they call if they are sick and need someone to help take care of them.
After missing so much of Alisha’s life, I’ve done everything I can to be integrated into every part of her world. I have become exactly who I wanted to be.
Alisha, Jordan, and all the other MC members have this love that I never knew could exist. I’d never known men could be this way. For as long as I could remember, every single male in my life had been mean, abusive, and just a horrible person. My dad couldn’t stand me because I was just another mouth to feed.
I want that kind of love more than anything else. I want to feel safe. I want to be so happy with someone that I can barely sit still. I want all of that, and I hope I can have it someday. But the most important thing is that I have my family.
The baby in my arms starts squealing with laughter, and I smile at my precious little Vanessa. Jordan sets the baby boy on the floor, helping Alisha off the couch. “Thank you so much, Ma, for watching the babies.” Jordan smiles and gives me a side hug.
He lets me go and Alisha takes his place beside me. “I love you, Mom.”
My heart is filled with happiness. “I love you, baby girl.” I kiss her temple. She kisses both of the babies, and she and Jordan walk out the door.
I sit down, and little Joseph scoots over to the edge of the couch and lifts his arms for me to hold him. “Aww, Gigi’s boy.” I bend down, lifting him up and kissing his chubby cheek as I snuggle him.
They are both the sweetest little babies. I want more kids of my own someday. I want to do it over again. I want to do it right. I want to have a real family, with a husband who truly loves me. But I will never have that, and I will forever carry guilt over what my daughter went through. I wasn’t strong enough to take her out of the situation we were in.
I wish that everything had been different. I wish my life had never gone down the path it did, but the life I have now is something I will be forever grateful for.
My demons haunt me. I am tormented by nightmares, and I’ve slept in the bathtub because the bed made me feel so vulnerable. I panic when strange men touch me in public. I get so paranoid; I expect the worst out of people. I put on a show for my family, but I am broken on the inside. And when I look at myself in the mirror, I am half disgusted by what I see. My body is scarred from my neck down, and I do everything in my power to keep that hidden.
This is my pain to bear; my daughter doesn’t need to know any of the hell I went through throughout the years.
My story started out with making a horrible mistake, out of desperation, and being forced to have sex in exchange for food and a roof over my head. But my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. She was my life, and for six years I did everything I possibly could to be the best mother in the whole world. The split second he turned his anger on her, I was going to leave. But he injected me with so many drugs that I am not sure how I am alive. I was comatose. It was my worst nightmare coming true.
“Ba-ba.” Joseph breaks me out of my thoughts, pulling on the ends of my hair and giving me a slobbery grin. I run my finger down his cheek, my tear landing on the back of my hand. One day I will be able to breathe freely.
I smile, my heart filled with hope. One day.
Later That Night
I puton a cheerful face for everyone but, on the inside, I just hurt. I am sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall. I dread closing my eyes and knowing what I will see.
Something bangs the wall behind my head, my neighbor being a dick again. I close my eyes tightly, trying to be calm and focus on my breathing. Everything is okay, what happened to you is over and you’re a free woman.
But I’m not. I’m afraid the people who still haunt me are alive out there, enjoying their fucked-up lives. One thing I do have to look forward to is babysitting Ryan and Myra’s little girl. This is what I live for—I love kids so much. I run my hands over the blankets covering my hips, trying to soothe my nerves, something that has become a habit over the past couple of months.
When I first got clean, I never had nightmares. But as my mind cleared, horrible memories started to surface.
Stop these thoughts, Adeline! You’re not usually this bad, get over it, I scold myself. I turn over onto my side, my back to the wall, and relax.
I wakeup the next morning, my neck hurting from sleeping in a cramped bathtub with only a blanket under me. I sit up, rubbing my face, staring at the faucet. What would it be like to have one full night of sleep? If I see a doctor they will prescribe sleeping pills and, since rehab, I don’t take any drugs stronger than Tylenol.
Gripping the sides of the bathtub, I push my sore and tired body off the bottom of the tub just as there is a knock on my door. My body freezes with absolute terror. My first thought is, He has found me.
But that’s not true; he is dead. I close my eyes, shaking my head, trying to calm myself and my racing heart.
I go to the door after the second knock and peer through the peephole. I let out a huge breath when I see that it’s Techy.
I unlock my many locks and pull the door open. When I see his grim expression, I know that we are going on lockdown. “A down-low lockdown?” I ask. This means there is danger and the club wants to keep everyone close.
He nods, stepping into my apartment and shutting the door behind him. I walk into my bedroom to get some clothes. “Techy, how many days do I need to pack for?” I grab my bag from under my bed.
He doesn’t answer me. I peer out my bedroom door, and I don’t see him. Weird.
I walk out of my room, and he is looking into the bathroom. Please tell me that I remembered to close the shower curtain. I twist my hands behind my back, a nervous habit. He finally looks away from the bathroom. I see sadness in his eyes.
“Adeline, why didn’t you tell me you were struggling?” he says softly.
I sit on the edge of my couch. My stomach is in knots. I never wanted anyone to know that I was anything but okay.
Techy sits down beside me. “Adeline, are you okay?” He stops for a minute, touching my back. “You always seem so happy, like it radiates off of you.”
I look at him. “I am happy around you guys, you make me happy. I don’t want Alisha to think, for one second, that I live with these demons. And I don’t want her to know about the guilt I feel over what she suffered. She doesn’t need that burden.”
Techy shakes his head. “You can’t have this guilt inside of you, Adeline, you were a victim. I know horrible things have happened to you, but don’t for one second have guilt about Alisha, it was out of your control.”
I lower my head, crying, the pain in my heart easing just a little. I never knew how much I needed to hear those words. It’s like a balm over my heart.
“Thank you, Techy,” I whisper. His arms are tight around me. “You’re so good to my daughter.”
“I love her, she is my world.”
That brings a smile to my face. My life before all of this was a blur. It didn’t even feel like my life; I was just going through the motions.
“Come, let’s get out of here and to the club house.” Techy helps me off the couch, and I walk into my bedroom. I shut the door behind me, giving me a few seconds to myself.
I look into my vanity mirror and smile at myself. I opened myself up just a little bit. I feel like this is a huge step in the right direction for me.
I feel much lighter after letting him know the guilt I struggle with. Who wouldn’t feel guilty? But I am starting to realize I was a victim too. My life was stolen from me.
Not anymore.