Seth by Nero Seal

During the following two days,the shy smile Seth adored returned to Ignaz’s lips, but not his eyes. The boy had never asked for the cause of Seth’s wounds. Occasionally, when his gaze landed on Seth’s bandage, he averted his face as if trying to block the memories and chase away anything causing him emotional discomfort. Since Seth’s return, he acted as if he feared losing sight of Seth and followed him like an ever-present shadow.

Seth didn’t mind. Moreover, he welcomed it, sharing the same fear. The scene from the BDSM club still haunted him, making him seek reassurance in touch or gaze.

By the third day, when his eye color returned to normal and the obsessive need to keep in constant contact diminished, Seth ran out of excuses to postpone the first meeting with his new construction team.

When the leash of his tie swirled around his neck, a deep, depressing feeling returned with a multiplied need to keep by Ignaz’s side.

“Come with me?” Seth breathed out a plea, looking in the mirror at Ignaz behind him.

The boy sat on the bed, toes barely reaching the floor. He snorted, scrunched up his face, and shook his head. “And how will you explain my presence?”

“I’ll say I didn’t want to part with you even for a moment.”

Another solemn snort sounded like a suppressed sneeze. “They will fire you.”

Seth shrugged. “Whatever. I’m loaded. I don’t need to work.”

“But you love it, don’t you?” Ignaz scowled. “It’s your job.”

“But I love—” Seth stumbled, wanting to say “you” but fearing rejection. Instead, he said, “—spending time with you more.”

“I know.” A sad smile stretched Ignaz’s lips. He slipped off the bed and ambled to Seth. “I’ll be fine. I’ll watch TV. I promise I won’t go anywhere. Moreover, no offense, but your meeting sounds terribly boring.”

So pretty…Seth thought, staring into the sparkling depth of Ignaz’s eyes. The light the boy emitted cocooned him in serenity. He didn’t move to kiss or touch Ignaz; he just stared in silent admiration.

“You look at me like this again,” Ignaz whispered.

“Do you hate it?” Seth asked with his lips only and held his breath. Ignaz’s forehead bumped against his chest, and he shook his head.

“Come home sooner, okay? I’ll be waiting.”

* * *

Since the secondthey’d parted, time stretched into an excruciating eternity. Seth had trouble concentrating on the meeting, and he forgot all the names right after it ended. But a single glance at the future construction site gave him more information than all the provided specifications.

Located on a hill, the tower was supposed to become the cornerstone of a new financial district. He froze in the center of the fenced-out territory, then looked up at the bright sun. He squinted, and colors flared at the tips of his eyelashes.

In his mind’s eye, the first lines of the future tower streamed into the air, the tapered tip stabbing the sky. The defined transverse sections rose from the ground, rounded from one side, ridged from the other, silverish glass reflecting the sky.

Someone laughed, and Seth fell out of the trance. He threw a glance over his shoulder. The engineering team had retreated to the corporate bus. He stood on the hill for a minute longer, then trailed back to his car. He got in, turned the engine on, and sped through the dusty city. The desperation in his blood forced his foot into the floor.

* * *

Seth didn’t carethat his shoes left a trail of red-clay footprints all over the marble floor as he entered his villa. His blood roared, urging him to skip every second step as he ran upstairs, but the smile of anticipation died on his lips as soon as he entered the living room, washed in the midday sun.

With his knees hugged to his chest, Ignaz looked petite against the black leather sofa. His nose and eyes were red and leaking, and he didn’t spare Seth a glance. All his focus stayed on the flat-screen TV.

Seth inched closer, and the screen fell into his field of vision. The visual jumped from the yellow tape to the blood smudges on the floor, to the empty acid canister, then settled on the panoramic view of the silo, towering above the abandoned cement factory. The photographs of his victims appeared. With the sound muted, it felt like a minute of silence.

“Seth, they are dead. They really are dead. I don’t understand…” Ignaz’s gaze flicked to Seth’s stomach, to the screen, then back to Seth. “It’s funny; it happened the same day you got hurt.”

Seth didn’t find it funny. His skin crawled under Ignaz’s blank stare.

Ignaz forced out a laugh. “Maybe it’s you who killed them?”

Seth wasn’t a smooth liar. He’d never found an opportunity to excel in the skill as he barely talked to anyone. A fleeting impulse to lie crashed against a simple question ‘What for?’ Ignaz might be the one he’d been looking for all his life. He didn’t want to lie to him, so he said nothing.

When minutes stretched, and he didn’t spill a word, a pained grimace twisted Ignaz’s features. “Seth, how did you get hurt?”

Seth kept silent.

“Please, say something!” Seth averted his face, and Ignaz screamed. “Why don’t you deny it?”

He threw the remote control. Flipping in the air, it hit Seth’s belly and fell apart from the impact, parts littering the floor.

Ignaz gulped, pupils flicking between the screen and Seth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

Disappointment welling up, Seth turned on his heel and left the room. His lungs hardened with the condensed air as Gustavo’s words rang in his ears.

“You think your naïve little friend is all you need? But he will never be able to understand a monster, a murderer like you. What will happen when he learns the truth?”

* * *

Seth came home wellpast midnight. He couldn’t remember where he’d been because his bones still reverberated with the afterglow of Ignaz’s fear.

He didn’t see a single reason to return home, but there was no other place he could go. He didn’t even have a wallet on him. Eventually, his legs brought him to his villa. Using the rear entrance, he snuck into the dark kitchen, bypassed the white counter without looking at it, and ascended the stairs. He coursed down the dark corridor past the living room and the spare bedroom, then pushed the master bedroom door open.

A silent shadow, sitting on the bed with his face to the window, didn’t move. Seth clenched his fists, crushing his initial impulse to flee.

“Why didn’t you leave? Aren’t you scared of me now?” In the night, his voice sounded almost loud.

“I don’t believe you did this. You are just pulling my leg. The joke isn’t funny. Please, say it’s just a coincidence.” In contrast to his, Ignaz’s voice was dull and weak. “The news said “excruciating cruelty”. They said someone had their eyes burned out, and their insides were stuffed with broken glass.” Ignaz stopped short. “Please, tell me you have nothing to do with it. I’ll believe you.”

Seth leaned against the wall. Behind the window, the newly born moon hung above a maple tree. Bright, almost yellow, it emitted an indifferent light. In the steadily changing world, the moon always remained. Somehow, speaking became easier when he looked at something eternal.

“Do you want me to lie?”

Ignaz’s shoulders slumped; he became even smaller as if folding into himself. “Why?”

“Because I promised they’d pay. Every single one. I intend to keep my word.” Seth shrugged. It was so obvious that he wasn’t sure why Ignaz had to ask.

“But this isn’t what I meant. I didn’t even know half of them,” Ignaz whispered. “There were innocent people there.”

“No.” Seth remembered the black vortexes feasting on the souls, trying to snack on his own. The vortexes never attacked pure hearts. They didn’t even want to take Justin’s, agreeing that the boy deserved a second chance. “There was not a single light heart. They all came there for a reason. They deserved to die.”

“Who are you to decide?” Ignaz slipped off the bed and came up to him. His fist bumped against Seth’s chest. “This isn’t what I wanted. Why did you do this? Why?” When Seth didn’t answer, Ignaz screamed, “I didn’t ask for this! I wanted to see them in jail, not dead!”

Seth lifted his chin. The tiny fists bombarding his chest knocked the air out of his lungs in sharp small exhales, but they didn’t hurt him. Ignaz’s distress did.

Did I make a mistake? Despite the thought,Seth couldn’t find a sliver of remorse in his heart. Moreover, if he had to, he would have done it over and over. The remaining names on the list burned in his memory, demanding retribution. He knew the day would come when he collected all of the debts.

At some point, Ignaz stopped hitting him. His forehead bumped against the bruised place on his chest, and the spot where their skin touched dampened. “I didn’t want this.”

“But I wanted this,” Seth confessed. “I couldn’t forgive them.”

They stood in silence. Seth’s watch buzzed three times as the moon traveled over the sky. When Seth lost all hope of hearing Ignaz’s voice again, the boy asked, “Will you get arrested?”

“I don’t know.” Seth remembered the pieces of broken glass that had sunk into his palm and crumbled to the floor. His DNA must have been all over them. “Maybe.”

“Have you killed before?”

“Yes.”

“How many?”

“I stopped counting.” Seth looked at the boy but didn’t say anything else.

Ignaz dropped his chin, blond hair cloaking his eyes. “No. Don’t look at me like this. This is a mistake. It should have never happened.”

Seth didn’t know what to say, so he kept silent. At some point, Ignaz pushed away from him and left the bedroom, but Seth kept standing next to the wall, watching the night melt into a gray, cloudy sunrise.

* * *

Ignaz didn’t leave,but things irretrievably changed. Oppressive silence filled the days, and the shy smile Seth adored disappeared from his face. More often than not, the boy locked himself in his bedroom. He didn’t share Seth’s bed anymore, and even the intimate touches Seth longed for shrank to nothing. Distance grew between them, and Seth hated every inch of it.

Almost every night, Ignaz sneaked into Seth’s studio. Every morning, Seth saw long lists of his queries in the history log of his laptop. News and social sites showed information about the victims of Seth’s rage. He never confronted Ignaz about it, thinking he should be happy with this frail illusion of peace. After all, Ignaz never left him, but somehow it didn’t make him happy.

A few times, the boy left at night. Seth didn’t follow him. He didn’t want to know where he went. He was too scared to find out that Ignaz looked for pain in someone else’s arms. The scene from the BDSM club still haunted him; he yearned for a reassuring touch but didn’t know how to ask for it.

For many days, Ignaz left in the mornings and returned late at night, shaking. The dates always matched the funerals of the men he'd executed. Seth couldn’t understand what drove Ignaz, the guilt or the need to confirm the murderers of his boyfriend were truly dead? He didn’t ask and didn’t stop him, but the haunted look on Ignaz’s face suggested that whatever it was, it sank its claws deep into his heart.

Once, Seth trailed him to a funeral, craving to understand, but it only brought him bitterness, as after visiting a victim’s grave, Ignaz visited his past lover.

The deathly hush of the silent desert filled his nights. The sand cleared, wiping off the remnants of the destroyed souls. The god didn’t change. Just like before, he knelt next to the boy, scrutinizing him as if trying to see something in the depth of his core. The heavy feeling in the air was too familiar. The perfect calm had always meant only one thing—the desert waited for a change, and the change happened. Not in the god, not in the desert, but in the boy.

He didn’t look perfect anymore. The weight of every night added up and curved his spine to the side, as if he was missing a few ribs or his backbone didn’t hold his body anymore. No matter how many times the god tried to set him straight, the boy folded to the side like a paper doll left in the rain.

Seth didn’t know what to do or how to fix things. The tension in the air, appearing whenever they met, forced Seth to join the game of avoidance in the hope for time to set things right, but the abyss of misunderstanding between them only grew larger. Even the shared meals Seth had always looked forward to didn’t excite him anymore. Ignaz’s enthusiasm for food sank into oblivion, and he barely ate anything at all. Seth searched Ignaz’s eyes for a shadow of a smile but only saw the shadow of a man he’d come to love.

Even now, sitting at the white kitchen island, Ignaz forked a piece of Belgian waffle as his gaze settled on the nearby knife; bright morning light glinted off the edge.

Wanting a sliver of attention, Seth asked, “Is it not good? Do you want something else?”

“No, I’ll eat.” Mechanically, Ignaz lifted a fork to his lips and shoved a piece into his mouth, but his gaze remained on the knife.

Seth’s fists clenched. He hated this silent docility. Ignaz obviously didn’t want to eat. Seth couldn’t understand why he came down to have breakfast together when his body language screamed of his need to be as far away from Seth as possible.

A fork clanged against the counter. Seth got up, unable to watch Ignaz any longer.

Ignaz flinched, caution in every gesture. Seth’s core flooded with disappointment.

“I’m leaving. I won’t be back for lunch.”

Ignaz didn’t say anything when Seth grabbed his phone and fled the villa.

* * *

Anger. Despair. Anxiety. Misery. Sorrow. Seth wished that instead of being impervious to pain, he’d been immune to emotion. He drove through the dusty city, fingers squeezing the wheel so hard, his knuckles whitened. His jaw locked, and he couldn’t relax it. He didn’t understand why Ignaz cared about those people and went to their graves. Why their deaths bothered him. He should be relieved. He should be thriving. Seth would. Ignaz didn’t understand the simple fact, that after he’d met Ernst again, it was only a matter of time until events repeated themselves, and whatever Seth had done, he’d done it for him. There was no other way, could never be.

The other way…A sharp vision of the bloody bath and the pale, slack face invaded his mind, then flicked to the morning light glinting off the edge of the knife and Ignaz’s fixation on it. The tires shrieked as he U-turned the car and floored the gas pedal. He was sure he’d get a speeding ticket arriving on his phone, but that was the least of his problems.

Within five minutes, he was home. Blood thumped in his ears as he flew past the kitchen counter with the unfinished breakfast on it, then galloped upstairs, skipping two steps at once. The corridor had never felt this long, the handle of Ignaz’s bedroom nearly unreachable.

When he finally stormed into the bedroom, the door hit the stopper, swayed back, and bumped against his shoulder. The need to see Ignaz burned the air out of his lungs as his focus flicked from side to side, searching the empty room.

His heart stilled as the dread in his stomach grew stronger.

Where?Water splashing in the bathroom answered his silent question. He pushed another door open and zoomed in on scarlet drops, skidding down Ignaz’s forearm. A long vertical stroke joined the still fresh, red scar on his wrist.

Everything stopped mattering. Seth swallowed the sudden surge of acid hitting the back of his throat, then blinked. His surroundings blurred.

Nothing has changed. Nothing will change. It was all for nothing…

The spilled blood, the vortexes tearing at his soul and feasting on others—nothing mattered or had any impact. Ignaz’s smile had never returned; it never would.

Ignaz’s glassy stare settled on him. Crystal drops tearing down from his light lashes joined the pink water brimming in the bathtub. His hands trembled, and he looked at his wrists with confusion as if he didn’t know what to do next. “I... I’m sorry.”

The word Seth loathed with all his soul ricocheted against the inner walls of his skull. He watched red trickling down Ignaz’s pale elbows and dilute in the water.

I’m too late. I should have found him sooner. It’s my fault for never considering him. It’s my fault for being arrogant. If only I found him sooner…

He searched Ignaz’s eyes, realizing that the shine he had previously seen within was just light reflecting against the salt crystals in the dead sea of Ignaz’s soul.

It doesn’t matter what I do. Nothing matters.

Seth didn’t know what heat felt like, but now he was burning alive with chaotic emotions. He couldn’t blink, breathe, or swallow as the rage at his own impotence landed on his shoulders. The need to destroy clenched his fists.

“I’m sorry…” Ignaz whispered, a knife glaring in the electric light. He reached his bleeding hand forward as if wanting to touch Seth, but the distance between them was too big, and the gesture remained unanswered. His eyes pleaded for understanding, but Seth failed to provide it. It wasn’t just an attempt to escape; it was a betrayal.

He stumbled backward. His back hit the door handle. He turned it and dashed out of the ensuite, not seeing anything.

He didn’t realize where he was going until the metal door of the basement clicked closed behind his back.

Words burned in his head. He shouted, but his voice failed him, and only a silent push of air came out. He screamed again and again, but it brought no relief. The basement swam before his eyes as he darted from one workbench to another, crushing and breaking everything within his reach. When the basement lay in ruins and there was nothing left to destroy, he growled and smashed his fist against the wall, then again and again. He threw his fists forward without feeling pain. The concrete wall turned rusty, but that barely bothered him.

When his vision cleared from the red fog, his fists were broken and bloody. Glass crunched beneath his feet, tools and devices were scattered, overturned and broken. Seth’s throat closed, and energy drained from his limbs with a hopeless howl.

Everything was going to hell, and he had no idea how to stop it. He kneeled and covered his head with his hands.

* * *

Gustavo rested his eyesin the shadow of his palm, unable to watch the display anymore. Seth’s pain, so vivid on the screen, unsettled him. Ever since the night in the burned-down summer camp, Gustavo’s attitude toward Seth shifted again, obtaining possessive, protective characteristics. New affection rooted in his chest as Seth’s cryptic gaze haunted him. Back then, as the water hit the bridge of Seth’s nose to flow into both eyes, Seth looked desperate, dependent. Gustavo knew it wasn’t trust but a necessity. And that necessity granted him the most intimate moment he’d had in years, even if it lacked sexual touch.

Something shifted in Gustavo’s chest. The mysterious image of the beast he’d seen the night they met, crumbled to reveal something frail and desperate.

He no longer wanted to fight or provoke Seth, instead he yearned to protect him, take care of him.

Ever since that night, nothing satisfied him. Even Hans’ perfect body didn’t excite him anymore. Time after time, he turned to the memory of the marble-like streaks on Seth’s skin and his insecure gaze stripped of trust.

That night left him craving more, and that was why he stopped seeking Seth’s company. The aura of the brutal beast dispersed, revealing a desperate man ready to burn the world for the person he loved. Gustavo no longer doubted that Seth loved Ignaz, even if he couldn’t understand this love.

* * *

“Want to hear something funny?”Ignaz croaked as soon as Seth entered the master bedroom. He sat on the bed, a medkit resting next to him. Fresh bandages hugged his wrists. Dressed in a white linen t-shirt and pants set, he looked out of the window at the pale sky. “I don’t even like pain. I’ve never managed to reach what they call subspace.”

Seth considered leaving, but his feet didn’t obey him anymore. As if tethered, he approached the bed and sat. “Why do you do this then?”

“At first, for him. After I left home, I didn’t have a place to stay. He gave me everything—a job, food, roof, care, acceptance, then love. He was my world. I wanted him to be proud of me and not play with anyone else. I didn’t enjoy it, but I was happy to please him. Then, after…” Ignaz stumbled for a moment, then continued, “I needed pain to feel better, to feel something, anything other than this sucking hollowness, emptiness, worthlessness, and guilt. Pain became my escape place, the only way to hear his voice again. When I hurt for someone, I can hear him telling me how good I am and that I can take more. When I hurt, I don’t need to think or make decisions. The more I hurt, the lighter my head becomes, and the clearer I can hear him. It was that simple.

“And then I met you, and nothing is simple anymore. I can’t stop thinking. I hear him all the time. He’s in my head, screaming, just like that night. I can’t sleep. In my dreams, they rape me again and again, but now they don’t have eyes. They touch me with their dead hands, and all I feel is cold and numbness. The pain doesn’t help anymore. It doesn’t make me better. I thought I could be happy with you. Why did you have to take it away? I was finally better…”

“Nothing’s changed,” Seth breathed the words out.

“Everything has changed.” Ignaz turned, and Seth instinctively faced the movement. Deep-blue eyes glowed with tears and desperation. “I don’t think I can do this. How can I pretend that nothing happened? I barely know you, and you just went ahead and killed eleven people. People you didn’t know. I’m scared of you. Even this conversation terrifies me, but I don’t know what else to do. I still hope it’s all just a bad joke and you will laugh and tell me “Got you.” Will you tell me the truth if I ask you things? Please?”

Seth closed his eyes as his vision blurred. He couldn’t trust his voice, so he nodded instead.

“What happens if we don’t work out? Will you let me leave? Will you hurt me too?”

Seth gaped at him, unblinking, unable to believe his ears. I made a mistake again. Of course, he wouldn’t understand. DeSilva was right. It takes a monster to understand a monster. Someone pure could never understand.

“What’s with your hands? And your eyes are red. Were you crying?” Ignaz reached a hand to Seth’s cheek.

“Don’t.” Seth flinched away from the contact as if it could burn him. He swallowed the thick saliva and whispered, “Leave, if this is what you want.”

“Aren’t you scared I’ll report you?”

Seth didn’t answer. He watched Ignaz, not sure what to say anymore. Words lost their meaning and sounded empty in his head. He won’t believe me anyway.

“Please, don’t look at me like this…” Ignaz mouthed.

“Like what?”

“Like I matter because it’s not true.”

“Why not?” Seth dropped his gaze. He wanted to scream because they were back to stage one, where he had to conceal his feelings again.

“You didn’t try to stop me today.”

“People who want to be stopped don’t do it at home alone. If you’ve already decided, I can’t always be on time.” Seth looked at his fists as they proved his impotence. “I don’t understand… Is it really better to die than be with me? If so, leave.”

Seth didn’t want to hear the answer, so he got up and retired into the bathroom.

“I’m sorry… Seth, I’m so sorry.”

The door clicked closed, shutting Ignaz off. Seth turned the water on and stepped under the stream.