Don’t Let Me Break by Linda Verji
CHAPTER 23
Later that night, Marley settled on the convertible couch to sleep. But sleep was hard to come by. She didn’t like being in hospitals. The beeping sounds of machines, the smell of disinfectant mixed in with medicine, the hushed sounds of gurneys passing outside the room, the nurses who kept peeking in to check on Sebastian… they were all too familiar. Memories of all the times she’d been trapped in places like these kept creeping in and chasing away slumber.
As it turned out, she wasn’t the only one having trouble sleeping.
“Marley?” Sebastian’s low voice pierced her thoughts. “Are you awake?”
“Yeah, I am.” She turned on the couch to face him.
Though they’d turned the overhead lights off, the lamp on the nightstand was still on. It bathed the room in a soft, amber light. Sebastian was lying on his side, watching her.
She asked, “Are you having a hard time sleeping?”
He nodded. “I don’t like hospitals.”
Me too. She almost smiled at that. “Why?”
“I spent a lot of time in places like these when I was growing up,” he said. At her questioning look, he gave her a half-smile and a short explanation, “My dad.”
Ah! His father was just like her, which meant that Sebastian had spent a lot of time in hospitals just like Kenny. Marley felt bad for him. She didn’t know what it felt like to be the worried onlooker in such cases but she could imagine.
“It must’ve been really tiring,” she said.
“Not really… just a little scary.” His eyes got a little sadder. “I was usually the one who had to call for help when Dad was too out of it and come with him to the hospital. When we were there, I was always afraid that they wouldn’t be able to calm him down or that they would keep him for good.”
“What about your older brother? Wasn’t he there too?”
“Not often.” Sebastian explained, “When we were kids, Matías was really afraid of my dad whenever he got sick so he kind of pulled away.”
Marley felt a wave of pity for Sebastian and Matías. Some people would scorn Matías for fearing his own father’s sickness, but Marley wasn’t one to judge. Dealing with people like her could get demanding and sometimes quite scary.
When she and Kenny were kids, Hazel was pretty wild and out of control. Not only had she fought Kenny, but she’d drawn Kenny into many fights with neighborhood kids. Marley was unexplainably grateful to her sister for sticking with her through it all, but she also understood that Kenny was special. Matías getting scared of dealing with everything that came with mental illness was perfectly normal and human.
Still, it couldn’t have been easy for Sebastian to deal with all that by himself.
She said, “It must’ve been really hard for you.”
“It was,” Sebastian acknowledged. “But it got better as we got older. These days Matías is the one who can’t even pull away from Dad. He and his family even moved in with Dad, and my dad is always complaining about how Matías is suffocating him.”
Marley laughed. “I bet he’s grateful though.”
“He is.” Sebastian grinned. “Actually, I think he only let them move in with him because he didn’t want me to be worried while I was out here.”
Sebastian went on to tell her about how hard it had been for him to make the move from Sacramento to Philadelphia. He was so used to being his father’s caretaker that he’d seriously considered turning down the job at About It. However, his dad had convinced him that it was time for him to live his life for himself.
William already felt guilty that his illness had influenced so many of Sebastian’s life choices. It had influenced which college he chose, where he worked, where he lived and even who he dated at times. The older man couldn’t bear the thought of Sebastian missing out on such a great opportunity just to take care of him.
“He sent Omar an email accepting the job for me even before I’d made my decision,” Sebastian finished with a laugh.
Marley stared at him in goggle-eyed shock. “And Omar didn’t know?”
“Nope.” Sebastian chuckled. “He thought that I was the one who sent the acceptance.”
Marley laughed too. “Whoa! Your dad is a schemer.”
“That he is.” Sebastian shrugged. “But he was doing it for me, so it’s okay.”
The whole story about how his father had practically forced him to stop taking care of him left Marley with several questions. Top of the list; did Sebastian really like her? Or was he so used to taking care of someone that he’d picked the first stray pup he’d seen? Was she just a substitute for his father?
However, she couldn’t bring herself to ask him. She was too afraid of his answer, too afraid that it would cause cracks in their just beginning relationship.
You’re such a coward, Marley, her inner voice taunted.
She sighed in agreement. Yes, I am.
“Why are you sighing?” Sebastian drew her from her thoughts.
Had she sighed aloud? She forced a smile. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”
Sebastian watched her for a long silent moment as if he couldn’t quite believe her. But finally, he spoke. “Is it okay if I ask you something?”
She nodded. “Sure, ask away.”
He hesitated for a beat then asked, “Did Hazel happen because of your mom and dad?”
The question was enough to startle Marley into temporary silence. She’d expected to answer the question eventually but not this early. How much should she tell him about Hazel? How much should she omit about her childhood? What if all the brokenness that was her past was too much for him? What if he left her because he couldn’t handle it?
Just tell him everything, her inner voice advised. If he chose to leave her because of her warped past, then it was better for him to do it now than in the future when she was completely invested in him.
She took a deep breath to fortify herself then responded, “Yes and no…”
She went on to tell him about her childhood and her family. She told him how every moment from the day she was born was tinged with pain and fear, and how she’d finally shattered. Though she didn’t tell him that Kenny was the one who’d killed Gary, she left no doubt that Gary had deserved everything that had happened to him and that their mother was just a victim too.
She told him how her condition had only gotten worse after their mother’s imprisonment, how she’d had depressive episodes, how she’d closed herself from everyone except Kenny. She even told him how she’d attempted suicide twice because she felt like she was a burden to Kenny, and how therapy had helped her get back on her feet and made her who she was now.
By the end of her story, Sebastian was teary-eyed. Marley, on the other hand, had eyes that were completely dry. It was the all in the past, and most times, it felt like it had happened to someone else not her.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“For what?” She tried to force a smile but couldn’t manage it. “You didn’t do anything to me.”
He watched her for some time then asked, “Can I hold you for a second?”
How could she refuse him? She pushed aside the blanket that was over her and trod to his side. Sebastian pulled aside his blanket, silently beckoning her to get beside him.
Afraid that she would squish him when he was already sick, she protested, “The bed is too small.”
“We’ll fit.” He urged, “Come here.”
Marley should’ve protested more, but she wanted to be held too. The bed dipped under her weight as she crawled in beside Sebastian. He gathered her in his arms and drew her closer until she could feel every inch of his muscular body pressed flush against her softer curves.
In an instant, her senses flared in awareness. Her heartbeat sped up and breathing became a tad difficult. But Sebastian seemed perfectly fine. His breathing was as steady as his heartbeat beneath her palm. The hand on the back of her head innocently soothed her with rhythmic strokes. His other hand, the one that was attached to his drip, sat motionless on her waist.
“I’m sorry,” he kept whispering. His lips brushed against the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”
For the first ten minutes or so, she was convinced that she was the only one feeling hot and bothered. She thought that she was the only one affected by how close they were. However, when she moved her leg so she could fit it between his legs she accidentally brushed against his groin.
“Oh!” An involuntary gasp emerged from her lips when she felt the swollen rod there.
He was hard. He was turned on. He wanted her.
She immediately stiffened. So did he.
And for a moment, neither of them even dared to breathe.
Get out of the bed, Marley’s inner voice screamed. But she couldn’t do it. Instead, she lifted her head to meet his eyes. In his gaze, she saw leashed desire. His tongue darted out to lick his lips as if his mouth was dry. But he didn’t speak.
Marley wasn’t sure what made her do it. But she found herself arching upwards and setting her mouth on his.
The kiss was soft and tender, yet it sparked a wildness that Marley didn’t even know lived within her. She ached for him to harden the kiss, for his tongue to mate with hers more furiously. She wanted that hand that was soothing her back to cling to her with more strength and lower to her ass. She ached to push her thigh upwards so she could touch that swollen part of him again. However, the knowledge that they were in a hospital and that he was still weak reined her in.
When they separated, he was just as breathless as she was. He stared down at her with dark eyes for quite a while as if contemplating doing something crazy then shook his head. His voice gruff, he said, “You should go back to the couch.”
She nodded and got out of the bed to lie back on the couch. As she burrowed beneath the blanket and covered her heated face so he wouldn’t see how embarrassed she was, she couldn’t help wondering what would’ve happened if he wasn’t sick.