Every Shade by Nora Phoenix

3

Forest was relieved to see Micah’s stress levels lessen. It had been easy to spot that a trip like this was a huge step out of his comfort zone, and Forest had been a little surprised that Micah had taken him up on his offer in the first place. Once he had, he’d clearly been freaked out about his own choice, as evidenced by some nervous tics he had displayed.

Forest had debated offering him to cancel, not wanting to force him to do anything he didn’t want, but in the end, he decided to just take him to the Viktualienmarkt first, because he figured Micah would love that. That turned out to be an excellent choice, because his love for food had made Micah forget about his worries of being in a new city, it seemed.

They never ran out of topics to talk about, Forest noticed with joy. Sure, he was playing a bit of tour guide with his explanations of what they encountered on their stroll through the Altstadt, but Micah asked plenty of questions of his own, both about the city and about some other things.

“You have seven siblings?” Micah asked with the amazement Forest had grown accustomed to over the years when talking about his family.

“Yup, five brothers and two sisters. Three of my brothers and my sister Rain are older, the rest are younger than me. But that’s not all. I also have a mom and two dads, as my parents are in an honest-to-god threesome.”

They came to a sudden stop when Micah yanked on his hand, forcing him to turn toward him. “You’re kidding me.”

He laughed. “I swear. They’re what you would call free spirits, but they’re wonderful, loving parents, and they have raised us with nothing but respect for them, for each other, and for the world we live in. As evidenced by not just my name but those of my siblings. Forest, Rain, Ocean, Sky, all super new age. They’re very in touch with nature.”

“That’s amazing. It sounds…chaotic, but also wonderful.”

“What about you?” Forest asked as they started walking again. “Any siblings?”

It took so long for Micah to answer that Forest shot a concerned look sideways. Had he inadvertently touched on a subject Micah didn’t want to talk about? He was just about to say something when Micah finally spoke up.

“My mom raised me and my brother by herself, since my dad was sentenced to a long prison term and she divorced him after a couple of years. But my brother, I guess you could say he got lost along the way and started hanging out with the wrong crowd. He started using heroin, and it affected all of us. My mom tried, she tried really hard, but in the end, she had to kick him out because he kept stealing our stuff to sell it. He died of an overdose a couple of years ago.”

The sheer heartbreak in that simple statement was so staggering, it took Forest back a bit. How could he respond to that? What was there to say that wouldn’t sound trite? In the end, he decided to go for honesty.

“I’m so sorry, Micah. It sounds like you were handed a rough deal from early on. I have no idea what that must’ve been like.”

Micah’s voice was soft when he spoke. “Few people do, thankfully.”

“But you’re close with your mom?“ Micah asked.

“Yes, very close. It’s why I still live in her basement. I didn’t want to leave her, not after what we’ve been through. Someday, I’ll move out, but not yet.”

That made sense to Forest, and he thought it showed Micah’s character, that he wanted to make sure his mom was okay.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, but it didn’t feel loaded or tense to Forest. He was glad when they reached their destination, because it would allow him to distract Micah from his sad memories.

“We’re at the entrance of the park now, the Englisher Garten. It’s about the same size as Central Park, but there is a river that runs through it, the Eisbach.”

They walked into the park, which was busy, even on a weekday. But the weather was gorgeous, so a lot of people had sought out the shade of the big trees in the park or to dip their feet in the cold water.

“There’s this one spot I want to show you,” Forest said, and he took Micah by the hand to the place he’d discovered a few days before. “Look.”

He watched Micah’s face as what he was seeing sank in. “They’re surfing? Holy crap, they’re surfing!”

The man’s face showed the same excitement and wonder as Forest had felt when he’d seen it a few days before. On a small stretch of the river called the Eisbachwelle—he’d looked it up afterward—surfers in wetsuits were jumping on a surfboard, one at a time, to surf the current, going from left to right between two concrete, low walls. Forest wondered if someone had ever smashed into those walls, but it clearly didn’t deter any of the surfers. There were eight of them right now, each patiently awaiting their turn to surf until they either got wiped out or got out of the water.

“That is definitely something I wasn’t expecting,” Micah said, gasping as one of the surfers went down, getting swept under only to pop up again about twenty feet downstream.

“I know, right? I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it. It’s some kind of freak wave effect, caused by the water coming in from the Isar river. Apparently, in the summer, there is a long line, even though you have to be pretty good to be able to ride this current.”

They walked further into the park, where moms with children were playing in the grass, couples were lounging on big towels near the water, and a few were even splashing around in the shallow ends of the river. It felt like an oasis away from the busyness, like a place to breathe and relax.

It was dinner time by now, and Forest convinced Micah to have dinner in the restaurant in the garden. It wasn’t the most exclusive cuisine possible, but they served local specialties, and the location was hard to beat. He talked Micah into ordering a Wiener Schnitzel, a giant portion of tender, flattened veal with a crunchy batter, deep-fried to perfection. They served it with a berry sauce that was the perfect accompaniment, as well as with classic German Kartoffelsalat—potato salad—and a small portion of thin, crispy fries.

“My god, this is delicious,” Micah said, and he did that moaning thing again that made Forest’s cock hard in an instant. “I was under the impression that the Germans didn’t exactly excel in the kitchen, but I have to admit I was wrong. This may not be haute cuisine, as you said, but damn, it’s good.”

He smiled, happy that he’d steered Micah in the right direction. “See? It pays off to try something new.”

Micah shot him a sheepish look. “You picked up on my aversion to the unknown, huh?”

Forest wanted to make a joke about it, until he saw the underlying vulnerability. “Yeah, I did,” he said. “And I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but why are you reluctant to explore new things? It’s not a judgment, but I’m trying to understand.”

Micah sighed. “In college, I started developing some serious tics, and my resident advisor picked up on them and advised me to see a psychologist. Long story short, she concluded that the years of upheaval and chaos with my brother have resulted in a strong tendency for order and predictability.”

As rationally as Micah explained it, Forest picked up on the emotion underneath. There was sadness there, a dash of anger when he mentioned his brother, but also embarrassment and a feeling of hopelessness. Almost as if he expected Forest to judge him for it after all.

“That makes total sense, that you would resort to strategies like that to keep your sanity,” he said. “Is it something that bothers you? Or are you okay with it?”

Another deep sigh, this one filled with frustration. “I want to be more spontaneous, but it’s hard for me. One of my goals for this year, and New Year’s resolution if you want, was to step out of my comfort zone.”

Forest leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. “And? How has that been going for you?”

Micah shook his head softly. “It’s been a struggle. The most adventurous thing I’ve done is wear colored socks instead of black ones.” He lifted his jeans up to show a pair of baby blue socks that peeped out from the Converse. “That’s pretty sad, right?”

“That’s not sad,” Forest said, making sure his voice was warm. “It’s a small step, but every big change consists of a ton of small steps. As I said, you were handed a rough deal in life, Micah. Don’t judge yourself or condemn yourself for how you survived.”

“It’s not just me who is judging,” Micah said. “Why do you think I’m single?”

Forest understood what he wasn’t saying. He must’ve had some difficult moments with past boyfriends or even dates who wanted to do things he couldn’t make himself commit to.

“Well, I think we’d both agree that I’m pretty open to new experiences, but I’m single as well. So I’m not sure if that’s the reason. Maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet, the guy who not only tolerates who you are, but embraces you.”

Micah cocked his head as if he didn’t believe him. “Is that why you’re single? Because you haven’t found someone to accept you? I can’t imagine you’re hard to live with.”

He cringed a little again, something Forest noticed he did a lot whenever he felt like he was giving away too much. Something or someone had taught him to be cautious of his words, and Forest hated seeing that insecurity, as if Micah feared Forest would either blow up or be somehow upset the moment Micah showed even the slightest attraction to him.

“Because of my job, I travel quite a bit, and I’m often gone to test gear, or do outdoorsy stuff, like hiking or rock climbing,” Forest said. “I haven’t found anyone yet willing to put up with a boyfriend who’s absent that much. They either complain, they want to come with me, or they try to guilt me to quit my job and stay home.”

Micah’s eyes softened. “Maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet, that guy who either doesn’t mind you following your passion, or who is worth staying home for.”

* * *

All during dinner,Micah was amazed at how easily the conversation flowed. And it wasn’t like they only talked about casual things either. He’d shown Forest more of himself than he had shown to anyone else in years, aside from his friends who were all too familiar with his sad story.

They’d been his friends all through high school and had stuck with him through the lows of his brother’s addiction, the constant drama in his house, his mother’s breakdown, and ultimately, his brother’s death. They’d come to his brother’s funeral, not so much because they’d had a shred of sympathy left for his brother, Gabe, but because they wanted to be there for Micah and his mom. And they had been, every step of the way.

They were the only ones who accepted his resistance against change and who accommodated it as much as they could. They would be so proud of him now, taking this huge leap out of his comfort zone with Forest. The funny thing was that what had felt like a jump out of an airplane this morning, now felt so much less intimidating. Maybe it was because he’d come to know Forest a little, he wasn’t sure.

The guy sure inspired a strange confidence in Micah that he’d never felt before. As if with him, he could slay all the dragons that were in his way. Of course, that was ridiculous to feel about a man he’d only just met.

“Where did you go in your head?” Forest asked, sending him a soft smile. “You looked a million miles away.”

He smiled back. It was hard not to, with Forest being so open and kind. He drew you in, or at least, he did Micah. It wasn’t like he was flirting, more like he was so genuine and himself that it was hard to resist.

“Not quite a million miles, but a couple of thousand at least. I was thinking of my friends back in New York. We have quite the tight-knit group, still together after high school. They’re the best friends a guy could have.”

“If I may ask, are you out with them? In general?”

It took a second or two for the implications of that question to sink in. “Why would you deduce I’m in the closet?” he asked, genuinely baffled.

He didn’t advertise his sexuality, but he never made a secret of it either. He’d never outright told his coworkers, for instance, but if the topic had come up, he hadn’t denied anything. What had made Forest think he was ashamed of his sexuality or hiding it?

“I hope I don’t upset you, but a few times today, you looked embarrassed or ashamed when you said something that indicated you might be attracted to me. I was just wondering if you were upset with yourself about that because you didn’t like showing you were gay.”

Wow, he had picked up on that, Micah thought. That was quite perceptive, or maybe he hadn’t been as subtle as he’d hoped. Fuck knew that wouldn’t be the first time. He’d never been exactly suave when it came to flirting or navigating anything from hookups to relationships.

“I don’t have a lot of experience with this.” He gestured from himself to Forest and back. “As you can probably imagine, hookups don’t really work for me because they knock me off my routine too much. I’ve dated, but I’ve rarely made it past the first date. Guys seem to like me until they get to know me. At a certain point, I learned to not even bother anymore and sort of hide if I was attracted to someone else, knowing it would probably lead to nothing anyway.”

That was quite the personal stuff he was sharing here, but somehow, it felt safe with Forest. The guy hadn’t shown any frustration so far with him, so even if he didn’t reciprocate the attraction Micah fell toward him—which Micah was still considering the most likely scenario— he would probably react with kindness, which was all Micah could ask for.

Forest studied him for a bit, his crystal blue eyes assessing yet warm. It didn’t feel like judging, more like Forest was trying to figure out how to respond.

“I used to do hookups all the time. After discovering that relationships were not an option with my chosen career, I figured I might as well enjoy the sex part of it, you know? But after a year or so of that, I got so bored with it. I like sex as much as the next guy, I would assume, but I came to hate how empty it was. I would start asking questions, wanting to get the know the guy I was hooking up with, and some of them got quite upset for making it personal when it was just supposed to be about sex. That kinda made me feel like I was being used or was using them, and I stopped doing it.”

That was not what Micah had expected Forest to say, and yet somehow it sounded not only true, but true to him. “That makes us a couple of rather sad cases,” he said.

Forest’s eyes twinkled. “Did you just call me sad?”

“If the shoe fits,” Micah fired back. “You did just admit to not having had sex in a while.”

He almost held his breath, waiting for Forest to respond. He couldn’t believe he had jumped to flirting with him. It felt scary as hell, and yet wonderfully safe because he somehow knew Forest wouldn’t hurt him, not even if he wasn’t interested in him.

Forest leaned forward over the table, gesturing for Micah to do the same. “The question is which one of us is the saddest. Which one of us hasn’t had sex longer? Care to do a little bet?”

A giggle of excitement escaped from Micah’s lips, and his hand flew to his mouth when he heard the sound. Was that him, this carefree laugh? He hardly recognized himself.

Forest reached out for his hand and grabbed it, lacing their fingers again as they’d done all day. “I love hearing you laugh,” he said softly. “It’s a beautiful sound, and your whole face lights up when you do it.”

The butterflies in Micah’s stomach returned in full force, and suddenly, he started doubting his conviction the attraction wasn’t mutual. Would Forest say something like that if he didn’t feel it as well?

“I love that you make me laugh,” he whispered.

They stared at each other, the air between them humming with excitement.

“Take the bet,” Forest said, still keeping his voice low. “I promise there will be no losers.”

Micah swallowed back the instinctual fear inside him at the idea of engaging in something he didn’t know the rules of. “Okay,” he said. “May the odds be ever in your favor.”

Forest’s face broke open in a big smile. “I’m so proud of you. If I win, you’ll spend the rest of the evening with me here in Munich. We won’t go back to the hotel till midnight.”

Suddenly, losing didn’t sound so bad, Micah thought. “And if I win?”

Forest squeezed his hand that he was still holding. “If you win, we’ll go back to the hotel and we’ll spend the rest of the evening there together.”

Electricity crackled between them, and Micah’s hands got clammy. “That sounds like a win-win to me.”

“Time for the truth,” Forest said. “How long has it been for you?”

Somewhere, in the back of Micah’s mind, a flash of fear went through his brain, accompanied by blips of movies he’d seen. Scenes where someone had been asked to the prom only to be dumped or where they had dressed up for a date only to be rejected. Was the same about to happen to him here? Was he about to get massively humiliated? Again? He pushed it down.

“Nine months,” he whispered.

“Twelve months,” Forest countered. “The last time I hooked up was a year ago when I was traveling the Canary Islands. It’ll be exactly a year tomorrow, actually.”

Micah’s head swarmed with conflicting emotions. A strange satisfaction that it had been that long for Forest, even longer than for him. That meant he wasn’t as much of a loser as he’d come to believe. Excitement and fear that he’d lost the bet and would have to spend more time in the city with Forest. Disappointment that he’d lost the bet that they would go back to the hotel where maybe things could’ve…

“Do you want to go back to the hotel? With me? To prevent it from becoming an anniversary tomorrow?”

As soon as the words had left his mouth, his adrenaline spiked. What the hell was he thinking, blurting out a proposal like that?