I Hate, I Bake, and I Don’t Date! by Alina Jacobs
15
Beck
“Ididn’t even mention anything about making out or sex,” I fumed after Tess had returned to her desk. I looked at myself in the reflection on the glass.
Why doesn’t she want to sleep with me?
Probably because when she looked at me, she saw my father. Ethel certainly did. My little sisters’ grandmother could barely contain her hatred. Not that I blamed her. My father was a manipulative man. He loved power, and he enjoyed lording it over those weaker than him.
He targeted women with low self-esteem—the younger the better. He wanted them to bend to his will.
I turned away from my reflection. It reminded me too much of my father. Every day it seemed like I looked more and more like him.
Tess was outside, sitting on her desk, joking with Annie and Enola.
My father would have hated her. Not only would he have despised her frizzy brown hair, but she never would have let him walk all over her. I smiled slightly at the thought. Tess looked up and caught my eye. Her face fell.
Right.
I would always be my father’s son.
“Don’t forget,”Greg said when I met my brothers and other half sisters in his condo later that evening. “We are moving tomorrow. All of us.”
“Is this really necessary?” I asked. The week had been stressful enough without having to cater to Greg’s insane plans.
“Did you forget that Ophelia flooded your condo?” Liam said with a laugh.
My little sister glared at me over her spaghetti.
“We’re not giving you a hard time,” Mike joked, handing her another piece of garlic bread. “You didn’t flood Greg’s condo, and that’s the important thing.”
“That’s right,” Greg said, leaning back in his chair. “But we will be flooding Belle’s tower tomorrow. I want everyone to arrive at the same time as a show of force.”
“I think she’s going to be extremely ticked off,” I said, reaching over to stop one of the toddlers from lobbing a meatball at her sister.
“She’ll have a begrudging appreciation for my brilliance.”
“And that is how you don’t get a girlfriend, Carl, in case you were wondering,” Walker said to our youngest brother.
Ding-dong!
“Is it cake?” one of the girls asked, jumping up in her chair.
“What is their obsession with cake?” Greg frowned.
“What is your obsession with Belle?”
“You are on thin ice,” Greg snarled at Liam.
I stood up to answer the door since no one else was going to do it.
“Mr. Svensson.” I glanced down to see a woman with a beehive of hair that came to chest height.
“I’m sorry,” the doorman apologized behind Ethel. “I couldn’t stop her. She just barged in.”
“Hi, Grandma!” Annie piped up over the noise of my brothers’ arguing.
Ethel pressed a hand to her heart and beamed.
“Grandma! Oh, I am so looking forward to our dinner.” She swept past me into Greg’s condo.
“Is this where you’re living?” she asked, looking around. “Why is there chocolate frosting on the ceiling?”
“This is my brother’s condo,” I explained.
“I want to see your home. I need to see where you, Tess, and the girls are residing.”
“Tess?” Walker asked in confusion.
“Yes,” I said loudly. “Tess, my girlfriend, who I will be proposing to soon.”
My brothers looked at me blankly. Between the arguments about what to have for dinner and the fighting about who got what condo, I had neglected to mention the big fat lie I had been spinning that afternoon.
“His condo flooded,” Carl said after a moment. “And Tess is in Canada.”
“Tess is not in Canada,” Greg said, blotting his mouth with a napkin and standing up.
As much as I despised Greg, at least he was quick on the uptake. Our father’s son, he could also be extremely charming when there was money or, apparently, our sisters on the line.
“So wonderful to meet Enola and Annie’s grandmother,” he continued smoothly. “It’s clear where they inherited their looks and intelligence from.”
Ethel preened. “We do have good genes. My family came over on the Mayflower.”
“Fascinating,” Greg said. “We’ll have to meet for drinks so you can tell me all about it.”
“Now I must see where my granddaughters are living, then I’m off to a new art exhibit opening.”
“Unfortunately,” Greg said, “we are about to embark on a move across town to the 101 Park Place high-rise. That’s where Tess is now. She’s working on unpacking without the girls underfoot.”
Ethel’s eyes lit up. “I’ve heard wonderful things about that tower. Did you know it was developed by an all-female firm? Talk about girl power.”
Greg’s smile turned forced. The only reason that tower had been developed was because Belle had won the contract Greg had been gunning for.
“Beck, let me know when you all are settled. Tell Tess I’ll send over a housewarming present,” she said as Greg handed her off to the doorman and told her to enjoy her evening.
As soon as the door closed, my older brother’s charm disappeared. “I am so disappointed in you.”
“Me? I had to think fast!”
“A fake fiancée.” Greg shook his head.
“Fake girlfriend,” I corrected.
“I expected this from Liam, not you,” he said.
“I bet he just did it so he could score a bigger apartment,” Carl complained.
“Oh shit.”
“No swearing,” Greg barked.
“I have to convince Tess to move in with me.” I took out my phone, going to Greg’s study for some privacy and to escape the squabbling of my siblings at the dinner table.
Tess sounded drunk when I called her.
“Yeller?”
“Tess, I have something very important to tell you,” I said urgently.
“You have reached the big love dildo shop. What size are you looking for to please your lady?”
“Tess,” I growled as she and another woman in the background erupted into peals of laughter.
“Take that, telemarketer!” Tess yelled.
“Tess, it’s Beck, your boss.”
“Oh shit!”
I winced as the sound of what seemed like crashing pots and pans blared through the phone. Then Tess was back on.
“Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Oh no, this phone connection is terrible!”
“Tess, I need you to listen to me.”
“Crackle, crackle, crackle. Eeeee!”
“Tess, I know you’re making those sound effects.”
“Dial your operator for help.”
The phone went dead. Aggravated, I called back.
“Hello? This is Tess. How may I assist you?”
“Tess,” I hissed.
“Good evening, Beck. What a lovely surprise.” My assistant was very carefully enunciating her words.
“Are you drunk?” I demanded.
“It’s the last free Friday night of my entire life before I have to spend it cosplaying Gilmore Girls,” she complained, dropping the exaggerated way of talking.
“Actually,” she said thoughtfully, “it might not be so bad. Maybe I can also find a hot, dark, and handsome bad boy to be the Jess to my Rory.”
“Tess, focus.”
“I just had a bottle of wine!” she sang. “And I’m baking a cake!”
“You’re moving in with me tomorrow,” I practically shouted into the phone.
“That just killed my buzz.”
Of course she doesn’t want to move in with you.
I looked out the door of Greg’s study. Several of my sisters waved when they saw me.
God, my family was so fucking weird. We all looked too similar, there were too many of us, and it was too chaotic. No wonder Tess didn’t want to be involved.
“Ethel is coming by with a housewarming present sometime in the near future. And you need to be there when she does.”
“Say no more,” Tess slurred. “I can totally make your condo feel homey and not like a serial killer lives there.”
I winced. It hurt more than I expected.
It’s better this way. What do you care what she thinks? Man up.
“Very well,” I said, using my professional voice. “I expect to see you at 101 Park Place tower at eight a.m. sharp for move-in.”
“Eight a.m.?” she screeched and dropped the phone.
