All the Cuts and Scars We Hide by Garry Michael

Twenty: Kai

And Scars

I banged on Wyatt’s door hard enough that it rattled the small glass window next to it. “Wyatt, open up! I know you can hear me.” I walked around the patio to peek in one of his windows. Bringing my hand to my forehead, I shielded my eyes and looked in when my call went unanswered. Even though he told me he needed to be alone, I followed him anyway because I saw that haunted look in his eyes. “Wyatt, open up,” I repeated. When still there was no answer, I walked around to the other side of the patio to peer inside another window and that was when I saw him.

He was sitting on the floor with his back against the door. His head hung low between his bent legs while both of his arms were resting on his knees.

“Wyatt, please let me in?” I said after tapping on the window, trying to get his attention.

“Go away. I just want to be alone,” he finally answered.

“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me.” I walked toward the door hoping he’d let me in. When it didn’t open, I sat down with my back against the door knowing he was on the other side of it and imagining that our backs were touching. I wanted to be as close as I could. I couldn’t stay away from him even if I tried. We sat there for a while in silence. If I closed my eyes and listened close enough, I could hear his breathing.

“There’s nothing here for you, Kai. Just fucking go away,” he demanded, breaking the silence.

“I'll be right here,” I whispered before my head thudded softly against the door. You can’t save him. He’s not going to get better. I should know better than to hope that people could change. I should’ve learned my lesson from Noah. I stuck around for three and a half years thinking that he’d change. In the end, it wasn’t enough.

***

“This isn’t healthy Kai,” my cousin Mikaela said after we sat down on our favorite beach.

I tucked my toes into the white sand and stared at the aquamarine water which appeared bluer from the absence of clouds in the sky. The high noon sun blazing over the coconut trees cast shadows and gave us shade. Many locals were paddling in the water, sitting on their boards, and waiting for the perfect wave to ride. I watched some kids who were building sandcastles ten feet from the surf with their parents while they laughed and giggled. “He’s been under a lot of stress lately, you know. He wasn’t always like that,” I explained.

She twisted to eye me over her shoulder, waiting for me to meet her gaze. “Remember when I told ya that I hoped we wouldn’t be having this conversation a year from now?”

I focused my attention on the bright boards floating in the ocean, remembering that conversation as if it were yesterday. I could feel her watching me, but I was afraid to look back and see the judgment in her eyes. Or worse, the pity. My eyes burned, my vision blurred and I looked up to the sky and closed my eyes in a lame attempt to stop the tears from forming.

The sand beneath us shifted when Mikaela moved closer and rested her head on my shoulder. “I know how much you love Noah, but calling you worthless and making you feel guilty for spending time with your ohana isn’t love”

We sat in silence, staring at the water while our hands absently played with the sand.

“Can I ask you something? And you can tell me to mind my own business, but I really want to know,” she asked before pausing a moment.

I held my breath, anticipating her question.

“Why are you still with him?” she continued.

I released the breath I was holding and asked myself the same question. Why do I stay? I loved Noah and I knew he loved me too, but something changed in him after he failed his first attempt to be a Navy SEAL. Then he got worse after his parent’s divorce. “I keep thinking he’ll go back to his old self.” Surprised that I said those words out loud, I continued, “I’m all he’s got here.”

“Oh, Kai, those aren’t the right reasons—”

“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.” I buried my face between my knees. I knew those weren’t reasons to stay in a relationship, but I didn’t want to hear it. “I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want to hear from you, Kai. It’s what you want for yourself,” she explained. “You’re the smartest person I know, the first person in our family to graduate from college and you did it while working your ass off. You deserve so much better than him.”

“I don’t want to have this conversation with you.”

“Trust me, Kai, I don’t either. But I’m not gonna sit back and watch you hurt. You can hate me, but I’ll never stop looking out for you. Like when you looked out for me when both of my parents died.”

***

Shuffling noises surprised me and I readjusted to check behind me. The door unlocked and Wyatt stood in the doorway. I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand and looked up into his red-rimmed eyes. He offered me a hand which I gladly accepted. He pulled me into his arms and guided me into the house before kicking the door closed behind us.

He hugged me tightly, “I’m so sorry, Kai. I’m so fucking sorry.” He kissed the top of my head uttering the same phrase over and over again.

Thankful that Wyatt had finally let me inside, I nodded because I didn't want to push him too fast. A war of emotions played in my head, hesitation was paralyzing my whole body. I wanted to be there for him, to let him know that I will always be with him, but I was scared too.

Wyatt lifted my chin when I didn’t speak and looked into my eyes. “Please say something,” he pleaded.

Moment of truth. I had to tell him. I’d never told this to anyone, but Wyatt needed to know. “I understand your pain and your struggles, and you might not be ready to share them with me, but walking away like that hurt. It took me to a place that I never wanted to revisit.”

I told Wyatt about my past relationship and how violent it became toward the end of Noah and me.

“Oh my god, I had no idea,” Wyatt said afterward, pulling me back into his embrace. His body was shaking. “I will never hurt you like that. I’m not that guy. I promise.”

If there was one thing I learned from my relationship with Noah was you couldn’t promise something like that, but I wouldn’t punish Wyatt with Noah’s mistakes. I cupped his face and nodded. “Thank you.” I lowered his head so I could kiss his forehead.

He led me to his bedroom and we rested on top of the bed. “Would you spend the night?” he asked as I continued to caress his abs through his shirt, tracing each firm muscle one bulge at a time. I rested my cheek on his chest, feeling his heart beating. Call me insane, but I could’ve sworn it matched mine. Pulse by pulse, drum by drum.

I’d spend a lifetime if you’d let me was what I wanted to say. Instead, I settled on, “Yes.” A simple three-letter word packed with implications, but that’s a worry for a different day. For now, I surrendered to my need to stay close to this complicated man.

Wyatt blew out a breath I didn’t realize he was holding when he drew me tighter to his body and kissed the top of my head. “Big spoon or little spoon?” he asked, still subdued.

“I was thinking fork.” That earned me a chuckle which sent shockwaves to my core.

“How do you do that?” Wyatt asked with a smirk.

“Do what?”

“Make things better.”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged because that was the truth.

Lying this close to him with our clothes on, doing nothing but holding each other was the strongest connection I’d ever had.

“What’s it feel like living in Hawai’i? Is it like being on vacation all the time?” he asked, playing with my hair.

“It’s the opposite actually,” I answered, enjoying his soft caress near my temple.

“Really? How’s that even possible? You’re surrounded by paradise!”

Shrugging, I angled my head so I could study his features in the dark. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s gorgeous, but Oahu is a small island. You run out of things to do fairly quickly.”

“Still though, I’d love to go one day.”

“Wait, you’ve never been to Hawai’i?” My eyes widened and I was unsure why that shocked me. “It’s only a five-hour flight from Seattle.”

“I know. Just never had a reason to. I joined the military after college and we never really went anywhere when I was younger.”

“You’ll like it. There’s this amazing beach half a mile from where I lived, and it’s the perfect place to surf and the food is amazing.”

“Local food?”

“The only kind we like. There’s this food truck called Aloha Joe, and I swear they serve the best loco-moco in Hawai’i. It’s so popular he sells out by noon.”

“Just like the muffins in the café.”

“Exactly like that,” I agreed.

We stayed in silence for a while, but it was welcomed this time. It gave Wyatt the opportunity to work on whatever was troubling him.

“Thank you for coming after me. I’m sorry it ruined our evening,” he took my hand resting on his chest and kissed it before placing it back where it was.

“I’d rather be here with you than anywhere else,” I admitted. “Wyatt?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t dodge my next question.

“Yeah?”

“Who is Jim?”

He was quiet for a while, but he eventually spoke. “He was a friend of mine. We were on the same team when we were overseas.”

“What happened to him?”

“An IED exploded near us, missing me, but not him, unfortunately. It’ll be four years next week. He was a great man.”

“I’m so sorry, Wyatt. Is that why you get these attacks?” I turned to face him and I wiped the tears that started to fall once again from his eyes.

“Yes. He was like a younger brother and his parents treated me like another son.”

“Do you see them often?”

“Not since Jim’s service. I don’t know if I could ever look them in the eye again. I had promised to take care of Jim, but I failed.”

“Wyatt, it wasn’t your fault.” I touched the scar on his eyebrow and wondered if it had been from the military.

“I got that from the first day of boot camp,” he explained as if he was able to read my wandering mind. “Why don’t we crawl under the covers and call it a night?”

I huffed out a breath and I figured this was his attempt to change the subject. As frustrated as I was, I agreed.