Hearts in Darkness Collection by Laura Kaye

Chapter Eleven

The nightmares were getting worse. They’d tormented him during the little bit of sleep he’d gotten the night before, so he’d gotten up and paced the living room, ultimately leaving rather than face Makenna’s knowing eyes in the morning. And during the long period of no calls they’d had during today’s shift, he’d drifted off, only for the nightmares to come at him again.

They all started the same.

It was the endings that were different.

In one, it was him and Makenna in the backseat when the car flipped, and it was Makenna who didn’t survive while he did. He called her name over and over, but she never answered.

In another, Sean morphed into Makenna from an earlier version of the dream. It was her eyes that accused him. Her voice that said, “It shoulda been me. I shoulda been the one to live.”

In a completely new spin of his subconscious, Caden became his father and Makenna, his mother. When the car flipped, Makenna suffered his mother’s fate, her head battered against the side window, her neck breaking, her death instant. And not only was Caden trapped hanging upside down knowing that everything he’d ever loved was gone, but knowing, too, that it was his own fault.

He’d lost control. And she’d paid the price.

So by the time a call came in to the station, Caden’s head was a fucking wreck. Which probably explained why he had his very first on-the-job panic attack while responding to the scene of an accident. It was the hair that did it. The female driver’s long red hair.

His mind had done its usual thing, and for several long moments, he’d been absolutely sure his worst fears had come true. Makenna was dead in that car. His chest went tight, his breathing shallowed out, and he froze.

It didn’t matter that Makenna rarely drove her car. Nor that the car in the accident hadn’t been the same as Makenna’s little Prius. Or that there was absolutely no reason why Makenna would be on Duke Street near Landmark Mall at four o’clock in the afternoon when she worked miles away in Roslyn.

His brain didn’t trade in logic in moments like those.

Embarrassment aside, it was even worse that he could’ve jeopardized a patient’s life. In the end, the woman’s injuries weren’t that serious. But that wasn’t the point. He was fucking out of control, and he didn’t know what the hell to do about it. He hadn’t been this bad in years.

Then again, he hadn’t had anything to lose in years, either.

Now he did. And he was losing it.

When they returned to the station house, his captain called him into his office.

Exhausted and strung out, Caden dropped into the chair in front of his captain’s desk. In his forties and prematurely gray, Joe Flaherty had been Caden’s supervisor all nine years he’d worked in this house, and he was aware of Caden’s background. A few of the guys were, too.

As a rule, Caden didn’t flake out—he showed up early, he left late, he picked up extra shifts, he covered for the guys with families, he left his rig clean and well stocked, and he did the job to the best of his ability. They all knew he was solid. Well, until today.

“What happened out there, Grayson?” Joe asked, his voice concerned, but not unkind.

Caden scrubbed at his face. “I’ve been having trouble sleeping,” Caden said. “Nightmares about the accident have been coming back lately for some reason.” He shook his head, wanting to be honest, but not wanting to say more than he had to. He met Joe’s gaze head on. “When I first saw the woman, I thought it was Makenna.”

A thoughtful expression on his face, Joe nodded. “We all see someone we love in the face of a patient at some point, so don’t beat yourself up about that,” he said. “You talking to someone about the nightmares?”

He shook his head again. Caden hadn’t sought any kind of therapy in years. He’d worked things out. Gotten himself under control. Learned ways to handle his shit.

Only, clearly, that wasn’t all true anymore, was it?

“Maybe you need to consider it. Given your history, I always expected you to have issues responding to MVAs. The real miracle given the life-threatening nature of your accident and your PTSD is that you didn’t. And I watched you.”

Caden knew that was true. And he’d understood why. On some level, he’d actually appreciated it. Before his first times out there, he hadn’t known how he might respond either. But he’d been so driven to repay the debt, to help how Talbot had helped him, that he’d never had an issue. Accident scenes had never been a trigger for him the way they could be for other crash survivors.

The accident had scarred him physically, but the emotional trauma stemmed from its consequences. From losing his family. From surviving what they hadn’t. From being alone with their corpses—because he hadn’t known until later that his father had actually lived. From being left alone, in the car and all the years after, when his father checked out on him. From the fact that it took so long for someone to come help him that he hadn’t known they were real.

Caden nodded. “I hadn’t realized things were getting to me as bad as they apparently are. I’ll handle it.”

Joe’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t try to go it on your own. If your PTSD is flaring up enough to cause nightmares and give you a panic attack, something is stressing you out. Go talk to someone. That’s an order. Don’t make me pull you off shifts.”

A rock parked in his gut, Caden rubbed a hand over his scar. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Now go home,” Joe said. “Get some sleep. And ask Makenna when she’s gonna bring around more of those chocolate-iced brownies.”

“I’m still on,” Caden said.

“And I’m telling you to cut out. C-Shift will be on soon, so we’re covered. That wasn’t a suggestion.” Joe arched an eyebrow.

Well, fuck. Caden hadn’t been sent home once in nine years. And even though nothing in Joe’s tone or expression made him think there was anything punitive or even irritated about the command, Caden still felt he was letting down his captain, his station, his family—the only one he had.

This was the one place where he’d always had things together.

Standing took way more effort than he wanted to admit. He came to attention, spine straight, head up.

“Dismissed,” Joe said.

Caden made quick work of going home—to his townhouse in Fairlington that was just three blocks away. Makenna wouldn’t be at the apartment yet, and he was way too raw to be around her just then anyway.

Which was why he texted her a lie.

Came home sick. Flu or something. Gonna sleep it off here for a few days so I don’t get you sick. Talk to you later.

He stared at the words for a moment, then he hit Send. Maybe it wasn’t that much of a lie after all. Something was wrong with him. And he didn’t want to burden her with it. At least not until he figured out what had happened, what it meant, and what he needed to do about it.

* * *

Makenna was going a little crazy. Sitting in a ball on her couch, she’d been flipping cable channels for fifteen minutes without seeing a single thing worth watching. How was that even possible? But that wasn’t what was really driving her crazy.

No, she was going crazy because she hadn’t seen Caden in three days. They’d been texting all weekend, but he was still sick and not wanting to make her sick. It was killing her not to go help him, but he kept insisting she not come.

On top of that, she was going crazy because she’d gotten the official results from her doctor, and they’d confirmed what she already knew. She was pregnant.

But they’d also told her something she hadn’t known—based on her bloodwork, she could be as far along as eight weeks. Which meant it really had happened when that condom broke back in October. Knowing she was pregnant was the only thing keeping her from helping Caden whether he wanted her to or not. She probably shouldn’t chance getting sick.

Given how far along she was, the doctor’s office managed to fit her in for an ultrasound appointment for Tuesday. And part of what was making her crazy was not knowing whether she should tell Caden before Tuesday so he could go with her, or get the ultrasound by herself and make sure the baby was healthy before raising it with him. She knew she was probably overthinking the whole thing and not giving him enough credit, but all this alone time had hit at the worst possible moment and had her conjuring up every bad outcome possible.

And all the craziness was compounded by the fact that she didn’t feel like she should tell anyone else before Caden. She’d resisted calling her best friend, Jen, who was out of town on a Christmas shopping trip with her mom anyway. Besides Jen, her other closest friends had been college roommates, none of whom lived in the D.C. area. At any rate, she wasn’t so close with them anymore that she would’ve felt comfortable calling and dropping the Hey, I’m pregnant and scared my boyfriend is going to freak out conversation on them. In this moment, part of her wished she had more girlfriends, but she’d always had an easier time making guy friends. She’d always blamed that on growing up surrounded by men.

Which had her wondering what she was going to tell her family—and when. Patrick had always been a great sounding board for her. Because he was so much older than her, Ian, and Collin, he’d helped his dad out a lot when they were all young. Later, he became almost a mentor to Makenna as she made decisions about college and careers. And her dad had never been anything but incredibly supportive, even when she was the first in the family to move out of the Philadelphia area. But telling one James man could be akin to telling them all, and that definitely wasn’t something she was ready to do yet.

Which was why at four o’clock on Sunday afternoon she was still in her pajamas and an entire pound bag of peanut M&Ms lay demolished on the end table next to her.

At least peanut M&Ms had protein.

Sorry lil’ nut. I’ll do better.

Makenna sighed.

And then she decided she’d had enough.

A woman on a mission, she turned off the TV and marched directly to the shower. Once clean, she awkwardly worked to apply Aquaphor to her tattoo, which had moved from being sore to being itchy. She threw on some comfortable clothes, stuffed her feet into boots, and grabbed her purse and coat. And then she headed to the store.

She had a care package to put together.

At the very least, she needed to see Caden, even if she didn’t stay.

Thinking of what she liked to have when she didn’t feel good, she roamed around the supermarket picking up chicken noodle soup and crackers, popsicles and ginger ale, tea bags for hot tea and bread for toast, among other things. As little as Caden had stayed there over the past two months, he couldn’t possibly have much food in the house, which made her feel bad for not doing this sooner. She threw in pain medicine and throat lozenges and Pepto Bismol.

And then she passed the aisle full of holiday items. Gift wrap, decoration, candy, and toys made it look like the North Pole had exploded in the middle of the Giant. Makenna grabbed Caden a bag of peanut M&Ms, because he liked them, too. A shelf of stuffed animals caught her eye, and even though it was a little corny, she was drawn closer.

What said Feel better! more than a cuddly stuffed animal? The fact that she was considering giving it to a big, tattooed, pierced, and scarred guy made it kinda funny, too—and anything that might make him smile seemed like a good idea to her. Besides, Caden might look a little rough around the edges, but he was a big teddy bear inside. And she’d always loved that dichotomy about him.

And then she saw the perfect little guy.

He was a brown bear with black stitching here and there like he’d been hand-sewn or put back together. He had a sweet face and an even sweeter red patchwork heart on his chest. And something about all that stitchwork and the heart reminded her of Caden. Without letting herself overthink it, Makenna grabbed him and threw him in the cart.

It was a short trip from the store to Caden’s townhouse. She’d always loved where he lived in Fairlington. Built in the 1940s to house workers for the then-new Pentagon office building, the neighborhood was all red-brick collections of townhouses grouped around small cul-de-sacs. They were charming and close to everything and some of the units were surprisingly spacious, including Caden’s, which had two bedrooms and a finished basement.

As she parked her Prius in one of the visitors’ spots, that got her to thinking.

Here she’d been wondering why he didn’t get rid of his place. Given the baby, it would make much more sense for them to get rid of hers. Caden’s house had easily twice the square footage of her apartment, and he didn’t even use the room next to his bedroom, which would make a perfect nursery.

As she stared at the front of his house, her belly did a little flip. Obviously, she was getting ahead of herself. But thoughts of where the baby would live represented just one in about a million things she now had to consider. Well, they. They now had to consider. She had to stop thinking about this like she was on her own.

She had Caden.

And right now, he needed her.

Makenna collected all the bags from the car and hefted them up to his front porch. She had to sit some down to knock on the door.

It opened in less than a minute.

“Makenna? What are you doing here?” Caden asked, clearly surprised to see her. Wearing a pair of old sweatpants and a threadbare T-shirt, he was a sight for sore eyes, making her want to throw her arms around him and burrow into his chest. But he also had dark and almost sunken circles under his eyes like he hadn’t slept in days, and something about his color wasn’t quite right. He really did look unwell.

“I missed you too much to stay away anymore, so I brought you a care package. Well, it kinda grew into a care grocery order, but same difference.” She smiled, though inside she was bursting to tell him their news. “I won’t stay if you’re not up to it, but at least let me put this away for you and maybe make you a bowl of soup or something.” Was she imagining it, or did his face look thinner, too? God, she really should’ve come sooner.

He frowned but nodded, then reached down and grabbed the bags she’d rested on the porch. “You didn’t have to do all this,” he said, leading her inside. “But thank you.”

“Of course, I did,” she said as they walked through the open living and dining room to the small kitchen at the back of the house. “I’ve been dying to come take care of you, but I didn’t want to wake you up if you were sleeping or something. But then I started worrying that you were over here needing help or food or medicine and would be too stubborn to ask for what you needed.” She gave him a knowing smile.

He chuffed out a little laugh as they settled everything onto the counters. “Yeah. Well. You know me.”

“So what’s been going on? Is it a stomach virus? The flu?” she asked as she started unpacking the bags.

Brow furrowed, Caden crossed his arms and leaned against the counter. “Yeah. Uh, my stomach. But, it’s starting to feel better.” Looking down at the floor, he gave a little shrug.

And there was something so…almost…defeated in the gesture and his posture that Makenna immediately stopped what she was doing and went to him. “I don’t care if you’re sick. I’m hugging you.” She gently wrapped her arms around his waist and held him. And damn if he didn’t feel a little leaner, too. “Have you been getting sick a lot?”

Caden’s arms came around her on a long sigh. Like he’d been needing her. “Nothing I can’t handle,” he said in a low voice.

Which probably meant he’d been puking his brains out. Poor guy. “You don’t have to handle this on your own, you know. I would’ve come sooner. I would’ve slept over here to take care of you.”

“Didn’t want to be a burden.” He nuzzled his face against her hair.

Heart clenching, she pulled back to look him in the eye. “Caden, you could never be a burden to me. No matter what you needed, I would be there for you. Every time. You can always count on that. Do you hear me?” How did he not know this by now? The question had her wanting to lay all her feelings on the line. If he knew she loved him, he’d know all of this was true. But she definitely wasn’t doing that when he wasn’t feeling good.

He stared at her a long moment, almost like he was weighing her words. Finally, he simply said, “Yeah.” He kissed her forehead. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. This is me officially taking care of you. Do you think you could eat something?”

“Probably,” he said.

Makenna kissed his cheek, and his stubble tickled her lips. “This is kinda cute,” she said, stroking her finger along the couple of days’ worth of growth.

“Oh yeah?” He lips almost quirked into a smile. “Good to know.”

“Yep,” she said, returning to the groceries. She had everything unpacked within a few minutes. “What would you like?”

His gaze roamed over the choices. “Soup and crackers would be great.” He stepped closer. “I can’t believe you brought all this. Ooh, M&Ms.” He picked up the bag.

Makenna laughed. “You might want to wait on those until you’re not getting sick anymore. It would be a shame to ruin M&Ms by knowing what they look like when you vomit them.”

“Nice,” he said with a smirk.

“Just saying. Okay, you go sit, and I’ll get everything ready,” she said, shooing him from the kitchen. “Oh, wait. One other thing.” She handed him the bag with the bear in it.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“A feel-better present,” she said, unable to hold back her grin. He was going to think this was so silly. And it was. In a good way.

Caden stuck his hand in and pulled out the stuffed animal. “You got me a teddy bear,” he said, his face finally breaking into a little smile. He rubbed his hand over the scar on the side of his head, something she’d seen him do so many times.

“Everybody needs a teddy when they’re sick,” she said. “That’s, like, totally common knowledge. He can keep you company when I’m not here.” Which wouldn’t be often, but still.

Nodding, Caden gave her the softest look. “Thanks, Red. I…I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

She smiled, so glad she’d come to see him. He needed this. They both did. “Well, don’t worry about that. Because you won’t ever have to find out.”