Hearts in Darkness Collection by Laura Kaye

Chapter Twelve

Makenna walked alone into her doctor’s office on Tuesday morning. After going back and forth, she’d decided the best approach was to gather all the information she could before telling Caden she was pregnant. Most importantly, she wanted to know that the baby was healthy. Assuming that was the case, she planned to tell him tonight after work. Tell him everything.

It was time. And she was bursting at the seams.

She checked in at the desk and took a seat. A number of other people were waiting, and two of the women were obviously pregnant. Excitement shivered through Makenna’s chest. That was going to be her in not too many months. At the side of one of the women, a man sat whispering into her ear, making her laugh. He rested his hand on her belly as they spoke.

And that…that would be Caden. Who hadn’t had a family in so very long. God, she hoped he was excited about having one now. Even if he was scared—hell, she was too—she hoped his excitement would outweigh it. Because at the end of all this, they were going to have a tiny product that was a part of them both. And that was amazing to Makenna.

The waiting room door opened. “Makenna James?” called a nurse wearing a set of pink scrubs.

She followed the woman to an exam room, her heart racing a little faster with each passing moment. Because she was about to see her child for the very first time.

Before too long, she was wearing a paper gown and her long-time gynecologist entered the room with a nurse. “Makenna, nice to see you again,” Dr. Lyons said.

“Nice to see you, too,” she said, smiling at the woman’s always upbeat personality.

“Are you here alone today?” the doctor asked as she scrubbed her hands.

Makenna nodded. “I wanted to make sure the pregnancy was okay before telling my boyfriend.”

“Okay,” Dr. Lyons said, “well, let’s get started then.” The doctor explained how the internal ultrasound worked and then Makenna laid back with her feet in the stirrups—which always felt incredibly awkward no matter how many times she’d had to do it in her life.

But all of that fell away as an image appeared on the screen and a fast beat rung out in the room.

“Hello, little one,” the doctor said, taking some measurements on the monitor.

Tha-thump tha-thump tha-thump tha-thump tha-thump.

“Is that the heart beat?” Makenna asked, the sound planting itself inside her chest and squeezing.

Dr. Lyons smiled as she made some adjustments with the ultrasound wand. “It sure is. Sounds perfectly normal, too.”

“It’s supposed to be that fast?” Makenna’s gaze locked on the screen where the doctor had zooned in on a grainy, peanut-shaped object with tiny nubs protruding from the sides.

In her mind, she heard her father calling her peanut, and now she knew why.

That was her baby and he was totally a little peanut. Well, he or she.

“Based on the measurements here you’re nine weeks and three days along, and your estimated due date is July seventh. Everything looks to be progressing normally.” Dr. Lyons smiled. “So I think you’re safe to share your news.”

Makenna couldn’t pull her gaze away from the screen. Suddenly, the whole situation crashed down on her and she caught her breath as tears pricked her eyes. “This is so incredible. I wish I’d brought him now.”

“There will be plenty more to share with him, including more scans,” the doctor said as she removed the wand. The image stayed on the screen. “And I’ll send you away with parting gifts.” The imagining machine made a whirring sound and spit out a strip of paper. Dr. Lyons handed it to her.

Pictures of their peanut. Makenna pressed them to her heart, any uncertainty she might’ve felt about having a baby disappearing. “I can’t wait to show him. So everything’s okay?”

“Yep. I want to put you on pre-natal vitamins and we’ll get you set up with your pre-natal appointments. We’ll see you back in four weeks.” The doctor discussed some pregnancy dos and don’ts and gave her some information sheets to take home. God, there was a lot to learn about all this, wasn’t there?

When they were done, the doctor walked to the door, then turned back with a smile. “Have fun telling your boyfriend tonight. I hope it goes great.”

“Thanks,” Makenna said. Dr. Lyons left, and Makenna slid off the table. Looking down at the pictures, she just felt so amazed and overwhelmed and excited. “I hope it goes great, too.”

* * *

As Caden climbed the five flights of steps up to Makenna’s apartment, he felt like years had passed since he’d last been there. He certainly felt like he’d aged years since he’d last been there.

What a wasted wreck he’d been the past few days. His PTSD hadn’t flared like this for years. For most of the weekend, he hadn’t slept, and when he had, the nightmares had been torturous. His mind was like a maze full of dark corners and dead-ends and looming shadows. He’d had no appetite, and the two times he’d tried to eat, he’d thrown it back up again. Luckily, Makenna had left on Sunday evening before he’d lost the soup and crackers she’d brought him. Aches racked his body like he really had been sick, and he’d had a non-stop headache since Friday night that made it hard to think.

All of which was why he was hoofing it up the steps. In the lobby, he’d stood in front of the open elevator door for a long moment before his central nervous system had threatened a full-on lock-down, and he’d known he just couldn’t get in that little box. No matter how short a ride it would be. That’s how out of control his bullshit was right now.

The last twenty-four hours had been his first shift back to work, and getting out of bed to get his ass down to the station had taken Herculean effort. Not to mention making it through the shift itself. It felt like he was walking through molasses-filled air that made his limbs heavy and his muscles tired.

He’d finally given in and made an appointment with his doctor.

As he stepped out into the fifth-floor hallway, Caden recalled feeling this bad once before.

When he’d been eighteen. During the weeks leading up to high school graduation, when he hadn’t yet known exactly what he was going to do with his life but had at least known he couldn’t keep living with his bitter shell of a father. The uncertainty of the situation and his father’s near-total abdication of parental responsibility for or interest in Caden had been bad enough. But it was also what would’ve been Sean’s sixteenth birthday, and the combination sent Caden into a downward spiral that had ultimately resulted in a diagnosis of depression.

And fuck if Caden wasn’t feeling the similarities with that time more than he wanted to admit.

It felt like such a colossal defeat after having held himself together for so long. And now everything seemed to be coming apart at the seams.

It was all almost more than he could bear. And didn’t that make him feel weak and worthless. He was better than this. He should be better than this. Sonofabitch.

He slid his key into the lock on the apartment door, eager to see Makenna. It had helped seeing her Sunday night, when she’d been so sweet as to bring him that care package. She was the light to Caden’s darkness and had been since they’d been trapped in that elevator. If anyone could take some of the weight off his shoulders, if anyone could make it easier for him to breathe, it would be her.

Stepping into the apartment, he was instantly surrounded by the rich, spicy smell of tomato sauce, and for the first time in days, he actually felt hungry. “Red? I’m home,” he called.

Makenna rushed out of her bedroom, wearing a pair of jeans and a blue sweater and the most beautiful smile. “There you are,” she said, rushing right up to him. She flung her arms around his neck. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” he said, reveling in the press of her soft heat against all his cold hardness.

Loosening her hold, she pushed onto tiptoes and kissed him in a soft meeting of lips that quickly deepened to more. “Really missed you,” she whispered.

Caden managed a little chuckle as he slid his hand into all that gorgeous red hair. “I can tell.”

Makenna pulled back and gave him a smile. “Are you feeling better?”

He nodded, because what else was he going to do? And being with her did make him feel better, so it wasn’t really a lie. “What smells so good?”

“I made spaghetti sauce and meatballs. All I have to do is cook the noodles and dinner will be ready. You hungry?”

“I could eat,” he said. He’d kept down the small cup of corn chowder he’d eaten for lunch at the firehouse, so he was hopeful that his body would let him have this.

“Good,” she said, slipping away to the stove. She turned on the burner under a big pot. “Make yourself comfortable. Everything will be ready in less than fifteen.”

“Okay,” he said, heading for the bedroom. He changed out of his uniform into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, and then he sagged down to sit on the edge of the bed. Exhaustion settled over him like a lead blanket. God, what was wrong with him?

You know what’s wrong, Grayson.

Yeah, he probably did. Goddamnit.

But for the next few hours, he was going to let all that go and just be with Makenna. If that was possible. He hauled himself off the bed and returned to the kitchen to help get dinner ready. Soon, they were seated at the table with mounding servings of spaghetti, sauce, and meatballs. Crusty, warm garlic bread filled a little basket, and Caden took a big piece for himself.

“This looks fantastic,” he said.

“Good. Eat up. There’s tons left,” she said.

They dug in and ate in silence for a while—which was really unusual for Makenna. She’d always been the one initiating conversation or keeping it going. The talkative yin to his quiet yang.

Looking at her, he asked, “How was your day?”

“Oh.” She looked up. Gave a little shrug and a nervous laugh. “The usual,” she said, waving her fork.

Since he was the king of nervous awkwardness, he recognized it when he saw it. “Is everything okay?”

She scoffed. “Yeah. Of course.” Her smile was just a watt too forced.

He arched an eyebrow and nailed her with a stare.

“Okay, fine,” she said, setting her fork down. “I have some things I’d like to talk about, but I was trying to wait until we were done eating.”

Caden didn’t love the sound of that. He set his fork down, too. “What do you want to talk about?”

She heaved a deep breath, like she was bolstering herself for what she had to say. A boulder parked itself in his gut. “So, I have an idea. We’ve pretty much been living together for the last two-plus months, right?” He nodded, wariness clawing over his skin. “And I’ve been wondering why you’re keeping your place because you’re always here—which I love, but it’s a waste of money, really. But when I was at your house the other night, it occurred to me that if we were going to think about fully moving in together, it would make more sense to move into your house since it’s bigger. And then I’d get rid of this place.” The words spilled out of her in a rush.

He stared at her for a long moment, his brain struggling to catch up, to process. “You want to move into the townhouse with me?”

“Well.” Makenna gave a shy little shrug, one that revealed just how much she wanted it. “I’ve just been thinking about it.”

Caden swallowed around a constriction in his throat. She wanted to move in together. Permanently. For a moment, it felt like maybe there wasn’t enough air, but he forced a couple of deep breaths. The idea wasn’t that big of a deal since they’d pretty much been living together. Right? Though, it took things to a whole other level. And it also took away his ability to retreat into his own space if he fell apart like he had this weekend. That realization sunk tension deep into his shoulders.

“Makes sense, I guess,” he managed. “Let’s think about it and decide what’s best.”

She twisted her lips. “Okay,” she said. “It just doesn’t seem to make as much sense to keep a smaller place when you have such a nice house right by where you work.”

He braced his elbows on the table and clasped his hands together. And tried to ignore the pool of anxiety threatening to bubble up inside him. “Although it’s further away from yours.”

“True, but I don’t mind,” she said, her hands fidgeting on the table top.

“Well, like I said, let’s think about it. Your place is a lot homier than mine.”

Makenna smiled and waved a hand. “That’s just because you haven’t decorated much. But once we moved some of my furniture in and maybe did some painting and hung some pictures, your place would be homey, too. Your townhouse is great, Caden.”

Tightness parked itself in the center of his chest. Why was she pushing on this right now? And why did it make him feel like the walls were closing in on him? “Okay,” he said, picking up his plate and getting up from the table. “Dinner was great, by the way. Thank you.” He walked into the kitchen, needing space so he didn’t flip out when his stress really had nothing to do with her or her idea. He was just in a bad fucking place to be thinking about permanence, which made him feel like an asshole.

She followed him. “Gah, I’m going about this all wrong.”

“Going about what?” he said, that rock getting a little bigger in his gut.

Makenna closed the distance between them, her hands falling on his chest, her baby blues looking up at him with so much affection. For a moment, she appeared to struggle for words, and then she said, “God, I’m being a tongue-tied idiot right now.”

“Whatever you have to say, just say it,” he said, dread prickling like ice all down his spine. Her unusual nervousness spiked the anxiety inside him and tightened the knot in his chest, making his breathing shallow out.

“Okay. Here goes. Caden, I…I love you. I love you so much that I can barely remember my life before you. I love you so much that I can’t imagine my life without you. I’ve been dying to tell you, but I know we haven’t been together that long. Though, to me, the number of weeks that I’ve known you feels completely meaningless to how attached my heart has become,” she said, her voice urgent and so damn earnest. “I love you. And I’m in love with you. That’s what I really wanted to say.”

He heard the words as if through a long tunnel. They came to him slow and detached, as if his brain had to translate them from some other language to one he could understand, to one he could trust.

Makenna loved him.

Makenna had said the words. Words her actions had been communicating for weeks. Hell, maybe more.

The gates that held back the darkness in his psyche had been badly battered the past few days, and hearing her declaration destroyed what was left of them. All his fears, all his doubts, all his insecurities came rushing forth until he was drowning, suffocating, going under fast.

On the face of it, his reaction made no sense because she’d given him what he wanted—her love, her commitment. But it was getting what he wanted that made him so afraid.

Because deep inside, he was the fourteen-year-old boy who believed he should’ve died so his twelve-year-old brother—the best friend he’d ever had—could live. He was the kid sick with survivors’ guilt who desperately wanted his father to acknowledge him instead of choosing to abandon him. He was a man who’d been taught that life didn’t give you what you wanted, or if it did, it took it away again.

The past. Anxiety. Fucked-up fears. Caden knew it, but he couldn’t fight it. His heart wasn’t whole. His feet weren’t steady. His brain wasn’t right.

Hewasn’t right. And in that state, he didn’t trust himself with loving her.

He grasped her hands and pulled them away from his chest. “Makenna, I—” But no further words came out, because it was like his brain had frozen. He knew what he felt, but he didn’t know what to say. How to put it into words, or whether he even should. He was fucking paralyzed.

“You don’t have to say it back,” she said, something sad and maybe even a little disappointed flashing through her eyes. “I didn’t say it with an expectation that you would say it back.”

So she’d expected him to fail her. And that’s what he was doing. Like he needed more proof that she deserved better.

He gasped a breath, all the stress of the past week crashing down on him like a ton of bricks. Or maybe it was more like a house of cards, because in this moment Caden felt like a fucking fool to have ever believed that he was capable of being one of two when his half of that equation was so damn damaged.

“Makenna, it’s just, this is all…” Shaking his head, he stepped back, out of her grasp. His skin was suddenly too sensitive to allow her touch. Hell, the clothes on his back felt too rough, too heavy, too confining. “It’s just a lot. It’s just fast,” he said, not even sure of the words coming out of his mouth.

A look of hurt flashed across her pretty face, and even though she tried to hide it, tried to recover, he knew what he’d seen. “It doesn’t have to mean anything—”

“Yes, it does,” he bit out, hating that his emotional bullshit was making her discount her feelings. To try to make him feel better. “It means fucking everything.” He grasped at his chest, the lack of oxygen setting off a burn right in the center. His head throbbed out a punishing downbeat.

“Caden—”

“I’m sorry,” he said, wincing as he tried to suck in a deep breath. “I can’t…I gotta…go. I just need some space. Okay? Some time?” His fight or flight instinct was kicking him in the ass. Hard. “I…just need some space. I’m sorry.”

Then he was out the door, his whole world imploding around him. Because he’d probably just destroyed the best thing he’d ever had. But maybe that was as it should be, since he clearly couldn’t handle it anyway.

And Makenna deserved someone who could.