The Bonds We Break by Becca Steele

SEVENTEEN

My heart was pounding, both with the adrenaline of just being here at the party—arriving on my own and garnering everyone’s attention in the process—and the effect that Cassius had on me.

He said he missed me.

I tried not to read anything into his words, especially since he looked like he regretted saying them the second they were out of his mouth. Pulling back from him with a smile and gently disentangling my body from his, I kept my words light. “I could definitely get used to that kind of welcome. Now, I need a drink and a dance, in that order. I’ll see you later?”

He didn’t say anything, and I figured he might need some time to himself, so I left him to it, ignoring the pointed glares from the girls he’d been standing with—presumably because I’d kissed him. The old me might’ve made a bitchy comment, but I had no desire whatsoever to intentionally upset anyone now, so I pretended like I didn’t notice them and headed in the direction of the nearest coolers.

“Jessa!”

Spinning around, I saw Winter waving at me from where she was dancing close to the fire with Kinslee and a group of girls from Alstone College. I grabbed a drink and made my way over to them, returning their greetings and taking slow sips from my can of premixed cocktail. There was no hostility from any of them, and I relaxed, moving my body to the music almost on instinct, my mind drifting as the sounds of the party filled the air around me.

Kinslee and a couple of the other girls disappeared, making the trek up to the loos at the top of the cliff. When they’d left, Winter sidled over to me, lowering her voice. “He hasn’t stopped watching you.”

“Who?”

“You know who.” She stared at me for a minute, then seemed to come to a decision. “I’m not interfering, but I just want to say…Cass is one of my best friends, and I love him. I—”

“I’m not going to hurt him, Winter. Not if I can help it.”

Shaking her head, she frowned. “No, that wasn’t what I was going to say. I was going to say that he’s sensitive. He hides a lot of it behind his jokes, but he’s… I just think he could get hurt easily, you know?” Placing her hand on my arm, she squeezed lightly before stepping back. “Please don’t take it the wrong way. It’s not you hurting him that I’m worried about. It’s… Look, can I be honest?”

“Please do.” I glanced around us. “Do you want to talk about this somewhere a bit more private?”

“Yeah.”

We headed around the other side of the fire and sat on one of the blankets that had been laid out, and then Winter picked up the thread of our conversation.

“Okay. I’m worried that he might not open himself up to anything with you until it’s too late, and by too late, I mean that he might fuck things up between you before he decides he wants anything more. And you might not want anything to do with him by the time he’s worked out what he wants—which you’d be well within your rights to do—but I have the feeling that by then he’d be in a lot deeper than he realised.” A frustrated huff escaped her. “I’m not explaining this properly.”

Moving into a cross-legged position, I leaned back on my hands. “I think I get what you’re saying. I know he has a sensitive side—he’s got a huge heart, and I know how much he cares for the people that are close to him. But I really don’t think that you need to be worrying about this. Cassius likes variety way too much to want to settle, not now at least, and especially not with me. Fuck, Winter. I’d be just about the worst choice for him. I’m not exactly relationship material, and the way I’ve acted in the past, especially to you…who wants a constant reminder of that?”

“Stop that right now.” Her voice was fierce, and her blue eyes flashed with anger as she looked at me. “Stop putting yourself down. I already told you I forgive you, and I know the others are over it by now. Life’s too short to hold petty grudges.”

“But.” Tears filled my eyes, and I struggled to speak over the lump in my throat. The words slipped out, raw and broken. “Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and I hate myself. I don’t know how to get over that. I don’t know how to be me anymore.”

“You do.” Winter moved closer and slid her arm around me. I was so surprised that I froze before I forced my body to relax again. “You do know how to be you. You’ve been doing it for months now. You went through a fucking awful experience that got dragged up again, and yet you’ve come through it. You’re beating your nightmares—”

“How did you know about them?” I asked in a whisper.

She leaned her head on my shoulder, her hair soft against my skin. “I heard you, and I’ve seen Cass going into your room. None of the others know, I don’t think. I have them, too, sometimes. Nightmares about Caiden being shot.” Her voice wobbled. “I-I thought he was dead. I love him more than anything in this entire world, and I thought I’d lost him.”

“I’m so sorry.” I straightened up so I wasn’t resting on my arms and hugged her to me. “I can’t even imagine what you went through.”

“Yeah. It fucking sucked.” She sniffed, raising her head and running her thumb under her eyes. A sad smile twisted her lips. “Even now, it still hits me, normally when I least expect it.”

We were silent for a while, lost in our own memories.

Finally, she spoke again. “My point is that the good days eventually start to outweigh the bad, and you get through it, and I can see you’re getting through it. You’ve changed, a lot. You look like the old you again on the outside, but on the inside, you’re different. Softer. Nicer.” She gave me a small smile. “I think anyone would see that if they took the time to look. And Cass…he’s taken the time to look. I just hope that he doesn’t take too long to realise what he has right in front of him.”

“I like him. Really like him. I tried so hard not to, but it was impossible.”

“The allure of Cassius Drummond.”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “I’m basically fucked.”

She laughed softly, dragging her thumb under her eyes again. “Ugh. This whole conversation was a lot more emotional than I’d planned on.”

“It was, but I’m glad we had it.” Returning her smile with a tremulous one of my own, I indicated my head towards the other side of the fire where the girls were dancing. “Drink and dance?”

“Yep.”

* * *

“Can we talk?” A low voice murmured in my ear, and a tanned, tattooed arm snaked around my waist. Leaning back against Cassius’ firm torso, I craned my head around to look at him, unable to stop my smile.

“Yeah, of course.”

“Not here.” Releasing me, he spun me around to face him. The seriousness in his gaze made my smile drop.

Threading his fingers through mine, he led me down to the water’s edge, close to the rocks over at the far side of the beach. The waves lapped against the shore where we stopped, and I stepped out of my flip-flops, picking them up with my free hand and digging my toes into the wet sand.

“You broke my dick.” He accompanied his statement with a huge sigh, his shoulders slumping.

“Excuse me?” Releasing his hand, I placed my flip-flops behind me on one of the rocks, away from the waves, then turned back to him, placing my hands on my hips.

“You heard me.”

I couldn’t help smiling at his face. Yeah, he really wasn’t happy with…actually, I wasn’t exactly sure what he was talking about, but I was sure I could coax him into telling me. Moving so I was in front of him, I took a chance and ran my hands up his arms and then back down again, noting the shiver that he instantly tried to suppress. “Can you explain what you mean?” I rolled my hips against his, a light, teasing touch. “Because it doesn’t feel very broken to me.”

He groaned, rubbing his hand over his face. When he finally lowered it, he looked down at me, his gaze almost tormented. “Four girls. All hot. I could’ve had any of them, but my dick…” Trailing off, he glared down at the hardening bulge in his board shorts as if it had personally offended him.

“And that’s my fault, how?” I trailed my hands back up his arms and hooked them around his neck. Tilting my head, I placed an open-mouthed kiss to the underside of his jaw. “Because you’re hard for me and not for them?”

“Yes,” he growled, gripping a handful of my hair and tugging my head back, his mouth going to my throat.

When he raised his head with satisfaction in his gaze, I knew I’d have a mark where his mouth had been. “Feel better now?” I asked.

He shook his head with a frown, and I pressed another kiss to his jaw. My hips moved against his in the barest increments, just enough to tease us both but not enough that it would draw the attention of any of the others around. His hand tugged on my hair again, but this time, his lips met mine, his kiss fierce and intense.

Fuck. Being kissed by Cassius Drummond…nothing and no one compared to him. Nothing even came close.

“Are you sure it’s my fault?” My fingers stroked through his hair, my nails lightly scraping across his scalp. “I don’t control your cock.”

“You do,” he muttered, his lips tracking across my skin from my mouth to my ear, where he stopped.

Barely discernible, his next words, breathed rather than spoken, had my heart stuttering to a halt.

“Do you want to be exclusive fuck buddies?”

My heart roared back to life.

“What?” I pulled back from him so suddenly that I stumbled, and I had to dig my feet further into the sand to regain my balance. He watched me with a look that I really couldn’t read.

“I’m serious.”

He was? I didn’t know what to do with myself. My legs had gone all shaky, and I needed to sit down. This was something I hadn’t been prepared for in any way, especially not after my conversation with Winter and my constant reminders to myself that I’d be seeing him with other women sooner or later. I stepped over to the rocks and collapsed down onto one.

Cassius crouched down in front of me, placing his hands on either side of my legs. “I’m serious,” he repeated. “Think about it.”

Did I want this? Being exclusive with Cassius was both the best and worst thing I could imagine. Best, because I’d have him, even if only in one way, and worst, because when the arrangement ended, my heart would be the one that was shattered.

Winter’s earlier words came to my mind. Cass…he’s taken the time to look. I just hope that he doesn’t take too long to realise what he has right in front of him.

Maybe this wasn’t quite what she was thinking of, but here he was, asking me to be exclusive, even if the reasons were strictly dick-related.

And then I looked at him. Really looked at this amazing man, with the biggest fucking heart of anyone I knew, who was here right in front of me waiting patiently for my answer. Choosing me over any other girl.

My decision was easy. Even if I only got to have him for a little while; even if it left me broken, it would be worth it.

Soworth it.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” His lips curved upwards, and I nodded, my own smile tugging at my lips as I took in the happiness on his face.

“Yeah. So how does this work, anyway? I’ve never had an exclusive arrangement before.”

Rising to his feet, he took my hands and pulled me up, then slid his arms around my waist. His eyes darkened as he stared down at me. “Me neither. I’m thinking it’ll involve a lot of my dick being inside you.” He nipped at my bottom lip. “Whenever and wherever we want.”

“Oh, really?” I arched a brow. “I guess I can agree to those terms.”

“Good.” I felt his smile against my lips before he kissed me.

When he pulled back again, I met his gaze. “Exclusive. So no sex with anyone else?”

“That’s what exclusive means.”

“No kissing anyone else?”

“No.” His voice was hard. “No kissing. No touching. I don’t want you even looking at anyone else.”

“Wow, Cass. I didn’t realise you were so possessive. This goes way beyond the realm of fuck buddies.”

A muscle ticked in his jaw as he glared over my head at nothing in particular. “So? We can make our own rules.”

“Okay. I can do that. I want to do that.” I ran my hand up his back, placing a kiss to his lips, and his expression softened. Curling my other hand around his neck, I used my thumb to stroke across his skin. “I won’t hold you to that, though. The kissing, and the touching, yeah, if we’re going to be exclusive, but I don’t expect you to not even look at anyone else.”

He kissed me so softly that it made me melt inside. When he drew back, his eyes met mine, the blue even brighter than normal, the reflection of the setting sun making them shine with golden tones.

I’d been lying through my teeth. If he even looked at anyone else…

This was so bad. I had to protect my heart.

That look in his eyes, though…it broke through every single one of my defences. And when he spoke again, I knew I was already hopelessly lost.

“I only want to look at you.”