The Bonds We Break by Becca Steele

TWENTY-FIVE

The next week passed in a bit of a blur. After I’d been checked over by the doctor, I’d been informed that I’d cracked a rib and another two were bruised—or more accurately, Petr had done that to me—so I spent a lot of time resting.

In London. With my brother.

If anything good could come out of this mess, it was that Austin and I were actually having proper, deep conversations like we’d never had before. Like I’d said to Cassius previously, Austin had moved out when he was eighteen and I was fourteen, and what eighteen-year-old guy wants to hang out with their annoying teenage sister? Maybe some did, but not Austin. He was so independent, so focused on setting up on his own, and I admired him for that. At the time, I was more interested in my friends, and parties, and gossip, and a kind-of-distant brother hadn’t featured high on my list of priorities.

Another thing I was making up for now.

Austin had retrieved my phone from my flat two days earlier, but it had taken me until now to turn it on. I wasn’t sure what was holding me back, but as the screen came to life, I threw it face down on the pillow next to me.

Eventually, I told myself that hiding from my phone wasn’t going to achieve anything, so I flipped it over and unlocked my screen.

I scrolled mindlessly through my apps before I admitted to myself that I wanted to see if there was a message from Cassius.

There was more than one.

Much more.

He’d sent me a total of twenty-seven messages, and there were also messages from Winter and Lena. Before I looked at the messages from him, I read through the messages from the girls, which were mostly showing concern and saying to contact them when I felt up to it. After I’d replied to them both, I took a deep breath and opened my message thread with Cassius.

I’d done so well in keeping myself together all this time, but now the tears fell, and I couldn’t even say why. Angrily, I swiped them away, grabbing a tissue from the nightstand. This was ridiculous.

When I managed to gather myself, I tapped out a reply to his most recent message, then carefully placed my phone face down again.

Cassius:Are you OK? Hope Austin’s looking after you. Text me back when you’re ready

Me:Thanks for thinking of me. I’m OK mostly. Almost recovered & enjoying time with my brother

An hour later, after I realised I’d read the same paragraph on my Kindle for the tenth time, I dared to check my phone again.

Cassius:Good. I want to see you. When are you coming home?

I’d had a week to think, and I knew I couldn’t do this anymore. It wasn’t fair to either of us. It wasn’t his fault that I’d fallen in love with him, and I never tried to fool myself into thinking he felt more for me, because I knew he didn’t. I’d gone into our arrangement with my eyes wide open, and I knew it had only really ever been about the sex for him. Anything more was just wishful thinking on my part.

Hot tears filled my eyes. I had to do it. I had to end this now before I made things even worse. Still, it took me a long time to type the words, then a long, agonising ten minutes before I forced myself to send my reply.

Me:I’ll be home in the next couple of days but I need time to myself. I’m sorry Cass, I have to end our arrangement. It’s nothing to do with you I promise

He replied straight away.

Cassius:Can we talk about it? I want to see you. I don’t want it to end

A tear landed on my phone screen as I sniffed, my lips trembling. Why did this have to be so hard? Why did doing the right thing have to hurt so much? I knew that he’d be fine, that he’d soon move on, but my heart was breaking as I wilfully pushed away the man I loved.

Me:I can’t, I’m sorry. Please give me the space I need

Cassius:*sad face emoji* I want to see you but if you need space I can give it to you, as long as you’re OK. Tell me if you change your mind

The tears came in earnest, then.

It was over.

Now I had to find a way to get over Cassius Drummond and move on with my life. Without him in it.

* * *

“This is a fucking awkward conversation.” Austin half laughed, half groaned.

I couldn’t help teasing him a bit as I lay back on the sofa, kicking my legs over the armrest. Running a hand lightly over my ribs, I breathed out steadily, grateful that the pain was no longer there. “How is it awkward? Don’t you have conversations about castration very often?”

“Don’t say that word to me again,” he cautioned. It was now almost three weeks since I’d been back at home, and I was feeling better than I had in a really, really long time. Other than the constant hollow ache inside me, reminding me how much I missed Cassius—that was something I was forcing myself to ignore, because acknowledging it would undo all the progress I’d made. My final year at Alstone College was due to start next week, and I was determined to make the most of it. No more hiding away. I was going to work hard and play hard, but not in the way I’d done previously. I had no desire whatsoever to hook up with any other man, not when my heart belonged to someone else.

Pushing all those thoughts out of my head, I returned my attention to my brother, adjusting my grip on my phone. “Sorry. So it was some kind of revenge thing because he didn’t think that any other woman would want him?”

“Don’t you dare feel sorry for him, Jessa. Do I need to remind you what that fucker did to you?”

I sighed. “Believe me, I don’t feel sorry for him. I’m…sorry that it all happened, I guess.”

His voice softened. “I know. But none of it was your fault.” He paused, and I could hear him breathe out heavily before he continued. “It sounds like he took it as a personal offence that you got away from him in the first place. Coupled with his injury—” I could hear his wince through the phone, and I couldn’t help my smirk, although I did feel bad about it. “—it was enough to set you in his sights. Some people…honestly, Jessa…you’ll never really understand their motives. So don’t drive yourself mad trying to work out why he did what he did.”

“I’m not,” I assured him. “In fact—”

My door buzzer sounded loudly. “Hold on, there’s someone at the door.” I didn’t feel any sense of caution anymore, but I still took the time to glance at the small video screen mounted on the wall next to my door that Weston and Lena had installed for me a week earlier. It showed me who was at the entrance door to the building, and as far as everyone else in the building was concerned, who had also received the video upgrade, it was an aspect of security that was well overdue.

Smiling, I hit the button to let my friends in. “I’ve got to go now. I’ll talk to you soon?”

“Will do.” Austin was back to his usual businesslike self. Then he added, “Take care, okay?”

A smile curved over my lips. “You too.”

When the knock came on my apartment door, I was still smiling. Winter, Lena, and Kinslee piled in, along with Sophie and Kelly, two other girls from my degree course. I headed into my tiny kitchen to grab the bottles of wine I’d left chilling in the fridge, then returned, placing them down on my coffee table next to the glasses that I’d left there earlier.

“Where shall we put all this?” Kinslee lifted two bags in the air, overflowing with snacks.

“What happened to your dining table?” Lena asked at the same time, eyeing the broken table that I’d propped up against the wall, not having managed to get around to getting rid of it.

“Coffee table?” I suggested to Kinslee, pointedly ignoring Lena’s gaze, feeling my cheeks heating.

“Jessa? The dining table?” Lena wasn’t letting it go.

“It was your brother, okay?” I buried my face in my hands.

“My broth—ugh!”

Everyone other than Lena fell about laughing as I raised my head. I knew I was still flushed, but I guess it was kind of funny.

“Don’t say anything else about it.” Lena held a hand in the air. “Seriously.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Giving her an innocent smile, I changed the subject. “Wine, anyone?”

The evening passed in a blur of laughter, conversation about the upcoming semester, and general chat about the people we knew. Nothing malicious, all light-hearted, and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. I could get used to this.

Much, much later, when all the wine was gone and the conversation was winding down, we were sprawled out across the sofa and the floor. One of the After movies was playing in the background, and all the girls were deep in discussion about books versus TV and film adaptations. From my position on the floor, leaning my head back against the sofa next to Lena’s leg, I stretched my legs out in front of me, tired but happy.

“He misses you.” Winter’s voice was soft. She was lying on my rug on her stomach, head propped up on her elbows.

My heart beat faster. “Does he?”

She studied me silently, her gaze serious, before she huffed out a breath. “You have to know how he feels about you.”

“It was never anything serious with him. Not on his end.”

“Do you honestly believe that?”

Lowering my voice, I shifted closer to her. “Yes. Look, I know he enjoyed my company. Enjoyed the, um, sex. But you know what he said to Caiden and Zayde after everything had happened? When he came to my rescue? He said that he would have done the same for anyone, even if it was someone he didn’t know.”

“He what?” Winter’s mouth twisted. “Hang on a minute. He cares about you, Jessa. I… Okay, look, this isn’t really my place to say this, but you have to realise. It was him that pushed for getting those camera buzzers installed here. He checks up on you with Austin all the time, and not only that, this evening we’re having was his idea. I mean, I was going to suggest getting together anyway, but he came to me with the idea. He worries about you.”

I shook my head. This had nothing to do with him feeling any kind of way for me. It was in his nature to care about others, and in my case, it was also the fact that he had a misplaced sense of guilt for everything that had happened to me. “Don’t you see? To him, I was a summer fuck buddy. No more or less important than anyone else. And that’s fine, and I’ve made my peace with it. I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to it in the first place.” My voice grew louder, completely unintentionally, as thoughts of him bombarded my mind, one after the other. “I wouldn’t change anything about him—he said exactly what I expected he would after he came to my rescue. That’s him, isn’t it? He would have helped anyone. He cares because he’s got the biggest heart, and I love him for it. He’s just…well, he’s Cassius, y’know?” I finished with a helpless shrug, tears pricking at the back of my eyelids.

It was then that I noticed that the movie had been paused and five pairs of eyes were focused on me.

“So.” Lena eventually broke the heavy silence. “You’re in love with my brother, huh?”