Burning for Love by Evangeline Anderson

48

“Commander Sylvan, I have failed you.”

The words seemed to burst out of James, the moment he saw his Commanding Officer again. He had barely been back aboard the Mother Ship for five standard minutes, and the other male had come to meet him at his return. But the moment Sylvan congratulated him on a job well done and offered his arm for a warrior’s clasp, the words—no, it was more of a confession, James admitted to himself—simply came out.

“What? How?” Commander Sylvan looked startled. They were still clasping arms and he leaned forward, looking James in the face, as though searching for something. “J-8,” he said, using James’s old designation. “Are you…having emotions?”

James took a deep breath.

“I am,” he admitted. “And I have been having them since before I went on the mission you assigned me on Regalia Five. And these emotions are what caused me to fail in my mission.”

Sylvan shook his head.

“I don’t understand. I received word from the Steward of Regalia Five that you had fulfilled your duties and that you were coming home to us.” He frowned. “Of course, I did think the message was worded a bit curtly, but I put it down to language differences and possible translation problems.”

“There were no translation problems,” James said. “The Steward is displeased with me because of my failure to contain my emotions.”

Sylvan frowned.

“Perhaps we’d better continue this debriefing in my office. Come, J-8—let’s go.”

“…and that is how I failed in my mission,” James finished, sometime later as he sat in the seat across from Commander Sylvan’s desk, exactly where everything had started, just over a solar month before. “I allowed myself to have feelings for Princess Ka’rissa and when she began having similar feelings for me, I encouraged them. I…I let myself love her and she loved me in return,” he finished hoarsely.

“I see,” Commander Sylvan said. “This is…not exactly what I was expecting when I assigned you to this mission, J-8.”

“I know, Commander. You chose me because I had no emotions and I betrayed you by allowing myself to have them after all.” James put his head in his hands, unable to meet the other male’s eyes any longer. “I will understand if you wish to sanction me, or even remove me from the Elite Espionage Corps. I would richly deserve any punishment you decide to give me.”

“I don’t know about that.” Sylvan’s voice was surprisingly gentle. “It seems to me you’re doing a pretty good job of punishing yourself already.”

James looked up at the other male.

“I have never known such pain,” he admitted, his voice raw and honest in his own ears. “Please tell me how to bear it, Commander. How do feelers deal with this kind of agony? This constant longing to be with a female you cannot have?”

“I’ll be honest, J-8—emotional pain is never easy to bear. I would rather have physical pain any day, myself,” Sylvan said. “But you have an option that isn’t open to us ‘feelers’ as you call us—you can go and get your emotion damper fixed.”

“I know I can—I have been telling myself the entire trip home that the moment I got back to the Mother Ship, I would go straight to Yipper and ask him to install a new emotion damper or try to fix the one I have,” James admitted. “But, well…” He cleared his throat. “I…don’t feel like I should.”

“Why not?” Sylvan frowned. “If it would end your pain, why not do it?”

“Because Ka’rissa doesn’t have that option.” James ran a hand through his hair distractedly. “I started this pain that both of us share—shouldn’t I feel it as deeply as she does?”

Sylvan nodded gravely.

“That is your choice, of course. But if you are not going to eradicate or suppress your emotions entirely, may I suggest that you go to the Sacred Grove and ask one of the priestesses there to cool your blood?”

James frowned.

“As you know, I don’t believe in the Goddess as most Kindred do. It is not logical to think that there is some divine being who created us all and cares for us still.”

“You don’t have to believe in the Goddess to get your blood cooled,” Sylvan told him gently. “Any priestess can do it for you. It isn’t always a pleasant process, but you will feel calmer afterwards. It strikes me that, having had no emotions your entire life, it must be very difficult for you to deal with them now—especially such heavy ones.”

“It is…more painful than I could have imagined,” James admitted. “But I still feel like it’s a pain that I deserve.”

“Just think about it,” Sylvan urged. “And I’m not going to punish you by kicking you out of the Elite Corps—it sounds to me like you did the right thing, in the end.”

“Did I?” James shook his head. “I just don’t know.”

He left the Commander’s office still feeling uncertain…and missing Ka’rissa more with every moment that passed.