Bad for You by Weston Parker
36
BRITTANY
Ihad been going through my days in a fog. If it hadn’t been for Lou, I probably wouldn’t even have been getting out of bed.
As things were, however, I did get out of bed. Every morning, I woke up early, showered, got dressed, made breakfast, and went through all the motions I had to. It was almost like I was a real girl, except for the fact that I was pretty sure my heart had stopped beating the day Tristin had left.
Sure, he’d left because I’d asked him to, but that didn’t make it feel any better. A broken heart was a broken heart. How it broke didn’t really matter. Even the fact that I’d flung it against the wall and watched it shatter myself didn’t make it easier. If the person you wanted to be with suddenly wasn’t there anymore, it sucked. Big-time.
This might be my second rodeo with this particular brand of heartbreak, over the same man, but instead of making it something more navigable, I swore it was making it worse. There was a stupidity factor involved, one that my subconscious kept screaming at me I’d known about all along, and that snarky bitch was turning my thoughts into poison.
To counteract her, there was another part of my subconscious that didn’t think it had been stupid to get involved with him at all. The eternal optimist buried deep inside, the hopeless romantic who refused to give up, chimed in every time I started lambasting myself.
Giving true love a second chance can never be stupid. It’s brave,that part of my brain kept whispering. It’s the bravest thing a person can do, to open your heart up to love even when you’ve been burned by that flame so badly before.
The problem was that both of those voices were part of my very own brain, and I agreed with both of their sentiments. Irrespective of the noble intentions I’d had by not telling Tristin what Selena had done earlier, it hadn’t been the smartest move. If I’d just come right out and told him, things might’ve happened very differently for us this time.
He insisted that she didn’t have the hold on him I believed her to have, and that the world she advocated for, belonged to, and had raised him into didn’t mean a thing to him. A part of me still believed that he believed all that. If that was true and that part was correct, it would mean that I hadn’t been stupid to give him another chance, because the only thing truly standing between us would be insignificant to him.
But the only way of knowing whether that part was correct would’ve been to have told him what Selena had done and to see how he’d have gone forward with that knowledge. I was the one who had taken that option away from us. Now, I would never know, and I only had myself to blame—which was the other thing the snarky bitch inside was calling me stupid about.
Even if the hopeless romantic argued that withholding the information had been the right thing to do. Whichever way I looked at it, mistakes had been made by the both of us. Mistakes that had ripped us apart from the inside out.
Selena, Faye, and the paparazzi wouldn’t have stood a chance against us if we’d really been a united front, and that was what killed me the most about it all. We should’ve been a united front. There hadn’t been a reason for us each to have been going at things by ourselves, but we had been.
I’d been holding myself back from him because of the seeds Selena had planted so many years ago, and he’d been dealing with her latest schemes on his own. Together, we would’ve been able to overcome it all. I was sure of it. Yet here we were, further apart than ever before, and if he was feeling even a fraction of what I was, we’d both gotten knocked down further than ever because of it.
It hadn’t even been a week yet, but it felt like so much longer. When every day seemed to take three years to pass, almost a week felt like a decade.
Lou had been a trouper so far, the only bright spot in the clusterfuck that my life had become. People recognized me from those pictures in the gossip pages sometimes, which made the whole situation seem that much worse. The side-eyed glances, the whispering, and the continued interest about the “love triangle” was driving me nuts.
The only reason my head was still above water was Lou. He kept me going, made me smile, and while I knew he was confused about what had happened, he didn’t ask too many questions. At this point in time, he was the only reason why I was dressed and about to head out the door, my keys in hand as I called for him over my shoulder.
“You ready to go? We have to be there in fifteen.”
“I’m coming,” he grumbled, then appeared from around the corner with his backpack hiked up over one shoulder. His grip was tight on the strap, his features resigned.
“It’s just the public library. You don’t need to look like I’m marching you off to jail. The summer reading program will be fun, I promise.”
“I’m not really interested in books,” he mumbled, offering the same excuse he had been for the last two days in an attempt to get out of it. “Are you sure I can’t go to American Aviation instead? Tristin promised he’d take me through everything.”
“I know he did, and I’m sure he’ll still do it, but not today, okay?” My heart gave that same pang it always did when Tristin’s name came up. “Just give the reading program a chance. A lot of the others from school will be there, and the books on the list are really great ones.”
“I’d rather be out in the world, learning by doing,” he reiterated, just in case I hadn’t been clear on it before.
“You’ll do that too,” I promised. “Plus, we’re having a pizza party after, remember? Isn’t that worth at least trying to get into it?”
He perked up a little, soft brown eyes suddenly sparking to life as he offered me a small smile. “I love pizza. Will I really get to do both? Do you think Tristin will still let me visit his offices?”
The smile had melted away again, and I silently counted to ten to gain control of my emotions before I responded. Lou had had too much to deal with in his short life already. I wouldn’t let him see how close I was to tears every time a certain name came up.
I raked my fingers through his red hair, giving him a hug from the side on his way out the door. “He’ll make good on his promise to take you. We just have to give him some time, that’s all.”
Please don’t turn me into a liar, Tristin Ramsey.You’re better than that. Lou simply nodded, but he didn’t seem convinced that I was telling the truth either.
When we got to the library, something deep inside my soul eased when I breathed in the rich, musty smell of the worlds that existed between all these pages. Small motes of dust drifted in the air, shining under the light streaming in from the stained-glass windows situated high up on the triple-volume walls.
E-readers were great and all—they certainly made it much easier to just be able to click a button and get a whole new book delivered without even having to leave the couch—but there simply wasn’t the same satisfaction in watching pages turn on a screen. To me, there was nothing quite like cracking open the spine of a real book, of holding it in my hands and feeling the anticipation pooling inside me for the journey I was about to embark on while feeling the weight of a book in my lap.
Lou flicked a gaze around the interior of the old building, and it occurred to me that he might never have been here before. He seemed mildly wary, but the air of boredom and resignation had suddenly lifted from him when we’d walked in.
There was a certain magic to watching a child discover something they might grow to love, and I was here for it. For all of it. Even if he never got into reading, I’d keep trying until I found things that did interest him. Despite everything that had gone down between me and Tristin, I would forever be grateful for the part he played in helping me with Lou.
After I got him settled with the librarian and the small group of other kids here to find out what the reading program was all about, I retreated to give him some space. Walking backward, I was smiling at the way they all greeted him and moved over to give him somewhere to sit when I smacked into something hard behind me.
Whirling around, I was confronted by a trim chest in a plaid shirt I’d recognize anywhere. My eyes jerked up, and sure enough, I found myself looking into the amused face of my ex. I’d literally run into Beckett James.
“I’m so sorry,” I said as loudly as I dared without getting in trouble. “I didn’t realize there was anyone behind me.”
“Obviously.” He chuckled, straightening out his already perfectly straight shirt. His gaze moved from mine to glance over my shoulder. “I’ve heard about the situation with Lou and that you’re keeping him now. How’s that been going for you?”
“It’s been an adjustment, but we’re getting there,” I replied honestly.
There was no point in being anything less than straight with him. As the principal of the school Lou attended, he’d have access to all kinds of reports and paperwork from the social worker and the school’s guidance counselor. Heck, he might even have been asked to participate in the process.
His dark gaze lingered on Lou for a moment, and a smile I wouldn’t have expected appeared on his lips. “It’s very noble what you’re doing. There’s already something much more settled about him, but a boy needs a male role model in his life. Is Tristin still helping you?”
Fuckety fuck fuck.He was the last person I wanted to talk to about this, but again, he’d find out sooner or later anyway. “Tristin and I are no longer seeing one another.”
“Is that so?” His nostrils flared in surprise, but then he reached out to place his hand gently on my arm. “That’s too bad.”
A shudder traveled through me at his touch, but it wasn’t a good one. I hadn’t forgotten how he’d treated me, and frankly, it still disgusted me when I thought about the things we’d done together regardless of what an ass he’d been.
His fingertips trailed up and down my skin, giving me the willies as he fixed his gaze on mine. “You know, Brittany, I still have feelings for you, and I’d be a suitable role model for Lou. You should consider getting back together with me. I might even be able to help your case with social services.”
I took a small step back, just enough to dislodge his hand from my arm without having to physically remove it. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now. I’m focusing on Lou and his transition.”
He dipped his head into a nod, raising his hands as he took a step back himself. “I understand, but I’ll be around if you change your mind. You two have a good day. I need to check in with the head librarian about some of the books we loaned them while our library is being renovated, but I meant what I said. If you need me, I’ll be around.”
“Thank you, Beckett,” I said sincerely, feeling like we’d finally turned a corner from the ugly path things had been on between us after the breakup. “I truly appreciate it.”
He nodded and came in for a hug, which ended with me awkwardly patting his back as he brushed a kiss to my cheek. Being back in his arms for the first time, I wondered if I might feel anything that would remind me of why I’d ever agreed to go out with him in the first place, but I felt nothing.
Not even the faintest spark when his lips brushed against my skin or his arms tightened momentarily around me. The fact of the matter was that he wasn’t Tristin, and as much as I hated it right now, he was the only man who’d ever really lit my fire. Now that I’d felt not only a spark again, but the raging inferno he stoked inside me with the barest touch of his fingers against mine or even just by looking at me a certain way, I was more sure than ever that there had never been anyone else for me.
Beckett released me and strode toward the office without a backward glance, and as I watched him walk away, I knew I’d never take him up on his offer. It might make things easier with Lou in every respect, but just because it would’ve been easier wouldn’t make it right.
Not when I missed Tristin like crazy, with every beat of my heart and every fiber of my being. The longer we were apart, the more I wondered if my being born on a different side of the tracks had really doomed us right from the very beginning.
Selena seemed to think so, but did that make it true? Sometimes I felt like it did with such absolute certainty that I’d be willing to stake my life on it. But at other times—most of the time—the mere concept felt idiotic to me.
Since she wasn’t my mother, I supposed it didn’t matter what I thought anyway. What mattered was how Tristin felt about it and whether he was willing to stand up to her once and for all. If he could just do that, I’d know there could be a real future for us.
But if he didn’t, if he couldn’t, then there had never really been a future for us to begin with.
