The Degradation of Shelby Ann by Emma Cole

Chapter Fourteen

Shelby

Time seemed to fly by, and as it passed, my anxiety mounted. There wasn’t anything for me to do, not anything constructive anyway. The wedding planning was a joke since I wasn’t actually needed other than to pick from options presented to me. I hated to say it, but Nina could have handled it just fine without me.

I didn’t even get to have the colors I’d hoped for because it was a fall wedding, and according to the nice but no nonsense women, my ideal palette wasn’t ‘advised,’ which meant a big fat nope in a very polite manner. So my opinions were essentially perfunctory, my presence only needed for the occasional signature.

The whole thing was such a disheartening disappointment that daydreams of eloping ran through my head at least once a day, if not more. Besides that, my days continued with Nina’s tutelage and the addition of a personal shopper and personal trainer. They both came to the house, the shopper for measurements and to get a general idea of my tastes, though that probably wouldn’t be considered anyway, and the trainer came three times a week.

My butt hurt so badly the first week, I could barely sit due to the sore muscles. I wasn’t out of shape, or I hadn’t thought I was, but the man was a tyrant who targeted even the tiniest jiggle. Nina did her routine after mine, so I wasn’t as miffed that I was being singled out, but I was starting to feel like a pet or a real-life doll, like I wasn’t a person anymore, and I definitely wasn’t me. I kept reminding myself that it couldn't last forever, that Nina would eventually run out of asinine things to teach me, and then Dirk and I would be married. After that, I could pursue my interests again... if I could figure out what those even were.

The night of the engagement party had been a blatant example of what I was subjecting myself to, how little I had been prepared to deal with some of the inquiries. What I planned to do with my free time after Dirk and I returned from our honeymoon was a hot topic, and I didn’t have an answer. When I revealed my lack of ambition, each condescending and disapproving glance added weight on me until I about cracked under the strain.

It wasn’t that I didn't want to do anything. It was just that I didn’t know what I could do. I doubted law school was an option any longer. Beyond that, Dirk’s father probably had a list of acceptable activities to choose from, none of which were likely to be my own personal choices. But again, I’d do what I had to until the time came that I was free to do what I wanted.

It didn't help that I didn't know anyone at the party besides Dirk, his dad, and the employees that accompanied us, like Carter and Milo. Even Rafe had had a last-minute emergency that kept him from attending, not that I believed that excuse, and I wondered which of the Winstons had orchestrated it, but in the end, it didn't matter. I ended up leaving my own engagement party early. One too many brittle smiles as Dirk made the rounds with me on his arm apparently took its toll on my fiancé’s patience.

So he had sent me home to 'rest' with Carter while Milo stayed to escort him and Winston Sr. back when it was over. And the old man did not look happy, but one glance in the reflective glass doors of the event room the party had been held in showed that I did indeed appear ill.

On the ride back, silence had reigned, as usual. I didn't know why I was surprised; Carter never spoke to me unless he had to. In fact, I swore he had a special vocabulary just for me. It essentially consisted of 'ma'am' with various inflections, and sometimes hand gestures, to get his point across. For all the attention he paid me, he could have been directing traffic, except his neutral gaze seemed to take in everything, cataloging the details for his reports. But it really was for the best, even if it stung a bit. I had no business wanting his attention.

Then there was Milo. That was a flat out nope. I hated the ways I'd catch him watching me when no one else was. He didn't do or say anything, or even make any obscene gestures, yet he scared the bejesus right out of me.

As for Dirk, well, I didn't see much of him. And each time I did, he was more frazzled than the last time. If that wasn't bad enough, if felt as if a space was growing between us since he barely touched me besides a kiss to the cheek or a light guiding hand to direct me. He refused to talk about what was bothering him, claiming it was the project Winston Sr. had him spearheading, but that didn't feel like it was the full story. It all went into the pile that I locked down tight, using Mama's favorite mantra of "this too shall pass."

And regarding Mama, Sylvia had finally called with news about her. She didn't look great, but not awful either, which was pretty much her status quo. At least I knew that she was doing okay on her own, and it gave me one less thing to worry over. But as much as my days were filled, nothing was overtly challenging, and it allowed my mind to wander and agonize over every little thing. The times that I was alone were even worse—pretty much every evening. Time and again, the same question ran through my head.

Was I doing the right thing?

All in all, I felt off, unwanted, and...utterly useless.

* * *

Halfway through the morning of my wedding day, my period started. Since I'd gotten the IUD, my time of the month had gotten worse, and when I woke up, I should have known that the ache in my back heralded the cramps that ensued. Of course, we were already at the church, and by 'we' I meant Nina and the women helping me out with my gown and hair and makeup.

Nina had to keep reminding me to pay attention, as my mind constantly wandered to my absent fiancé. I hadn't seen Dirk in three days and had no idea what he'd been up to. For all I knew, he'd been out having a bachelor party while I was stuck at home. That would piss me off because I definitely hadn't had a bachelorette party. Not that I had anyone to throw one, or even attend, but it would have been nice to at least see my husband-to-be when I could since he knew I didn't have anyone else. We'd even been informed that the tradition of not seeing each other the night and morning prior to the ceremony would be upheld, so it wasn't like he would have tried last night. It was just another cloud hanging over our wedding day, and I fully expected a storm to follow with my luck.

I supposed my period had been a blessing even as I was sure it was another bad omen because it resulted in my 'something borrowed'. Nina didn't have anything on hand and neither did I, but the hairdresser ended up having supplies. While it was somewhat embarrassing, it wasn't as bad as it would have been had it started during the ceremony. With that addition, I had the tradition covered at least; my underwear was blue, the diamonds in my ears and at my throat were an heirloom Nina had popped up with from Dirk, and I figured the dress and shoes definitely counted as new.

But even with all of that, I had no family or friends to stand at my side or come as guests...which was why there weren't any, not for the ceremony anyway. Winston Sr. had decreed that it would be an embarrassment, so Dirk and I were to be married in a private ceremony in a small chapel. It was near the country club where our reception would be held, where we'd be introduced into society as a married couple. Apparently, it had been explained that we wanted to keep the wedding itself to immediate family, then celebrate afterward with everyone else in a hope to hide the absence of my side of the guest list.

I did my best to ignore the fact that I was alone on a day that was supposed to be one of my happiest, but I couldn't quite shake my melancholy. The ladies finished up under Nina's watchful eye, and as they left, I got a hug and good wishes from the hairdresser and pitying glances from the other two.

Then even Nina left me to go and check on the status of things. I stared into the full-length mirror, battling tears so I didn't ruin my face, and took in the woman reflected there. It was me, but not me. The cosmetics appeared light despite my knowledge of how much had been layered on, and my auburn tresses were twisted up with the curled ends forming a crown around my head. My arms and silhouette were trim and toned, and I likely hadn't needed the corset for the strapless lace creation to fit properly, but I'd let the woman lace me up into it anyway. My whiskey-hued eyes, though, they stood out. With a sheen of moisture and misery, it was blatant that I wasn't happy to be there.

A quick tap at the door gave warning right before it opened. I’d expected Nina, but my dark-haired bodyguard entered instead, closing the door quietly behind him. His cornflower-hued stare was fixed on me as he took me in from head to toe. But he hadn’t opened his mouth to explain why he was there, and I was beyond tired of the ventriloquist act.

“What do you want, Carter?” I didn’t think he was there to take me anywhere, as Nina still had to affix my veil.

“You need to leave.” His tone was as intense as his gaze and had my heartrate beating double-time. Something is wrong. Seeming to notice my panic, he continued on. “You need to go before the ceremony. Don’t marry him, Shelby. You’ll regret it, and I can’t protect you. Just, please, go. I’ll cover for you long enough to get dressed and out the back, but then you need to disappear. Don’t go back to your mom’s or your old employer. I have some cash I can get you, and—”

“Stop it!” I hissed, cutting him off. “You’ve had plenty of time to make your feelings on the subject known. My wedding day is not appropriate! Really, how dare you? You come in here after months of the silent treatment, acting like I’m an object to get from point A to point B in one piece, while you’ve let Nina talk shit at every turn… I thought we were friends, or at least could be, but from the moment you saw me at the house, I’ve been anathema to you. I understand you might not like it, but this is where I’m going to be. I’m marrying Dirk, and you’re just going to have to suck it up. Now, get out. I don’t want to see you again until I have to.” My hand snapped out to point at the door as my chest heaved in fury and hurt. How could he? Leaving me that night was one thing, but trying to sabotage me now… Why do they all have to hurt me? What did I ever do to deserve people’s disregard and disdain?

Why are you whining about it? That’s what I want to know. You’re not dumb even though you are a dumbass. At least the cherry-popper is trying to tell you the same thing I have. Repeatedly, if you forgot. Your head is thicker than loverboy’s wallet. Nothing gets through to you. So, take your own advice, girly, and suck it up!

I didn’t even have to tell her to go away; she shut up all on her own that time. But Carter, he still stood there indecisively, then his mouth opened to try and sway me again. Albeit, not as nicely as before.

“Are you fucking with me right now? You do realize that the entire house, and most of the grounds, are wired if not actively under video surveillance, right?” He shook his head incredulously at me. “Of course you haven’t noticed. You spend your time turning into a perfect little pet of a wife or off in your head somewhere. Think, Shelby, you haven’t gotten away with any type of rebellion, no matter how small. If it weren’t for me knowing to get to it first, the heart-to-heart you had with Rafe would already be common knowledge, and in hindsight, it would have been for the best. At least then you wouldn’t be here, about to marry into something you don’t understand. I couldn’t talk to you or warn you before, but I am now, and if you don’t listen to me, well… be a sheep then, but don’t come crying to me when it goes to shit.” My mouth gaped open at his tirade, and by the time he was done, I was nearly in tears for a whole other reason than before. But he wasn’t—done, that is. “Last time I’m offering, Shelby. I’ll give you enough money to get across the country and tide you over for a few months until you can get on your feet, but you have to go now.”

My head shook before anything came out of my mouth. “I can’t. Even if I wanted to, and I don’t, what about Mama? I can’t just leave her.”

“Your mother has her own sins to atone for. She never should have stayed in the state, within his reach, although I’m not sure it would have mattered. But she could have made sure to get you out. I only wish I’d been strong enough to do it earlier.” Then he was the one to shake his head, eyes distant as if he was looking back on a memory. I was familiar with the condition but rarely saw it on others, that being-lost-in-your-own-head expression. But I was more confused than ever and had so many questions. Getting answers wasn’t meant to be though. “So be it,” he said, snapping back to the present. “I see that it’s too little, too late, but at least I tried.”

And then he walked right back out, leaving me to stare after him until the door banged shut, eliciting a full-bodied flinch from me.

There weren't more than a few moments to gain my composure, and I still hadn’t quite managed it when Nina came back...with Mama in tow. I nearly rushed to give her a hug, momentarily forgetting that she hadn’t allowed that even before our falling out, not since I was a child, but I’d missed her familiar presence. She looked good, actually, and I was grateful again for Jerry. She was dressed in a lacy skirt and jacket combo that suited her, and her hair had been dyed, making her look years younger. But the anger in her made-up eyes had me flinching yet again. This time back a couple steps in anticipation of a physical assault.

“You stupid girl, I told you not to do it! Now you’ve dragged me into your mess, you little whore!” Her voice rose with each word, as did the flush of her skin until it crept up to the tops of her rouged cheeks. Her finger stabbed the air to punctuate her insults, and I wondered why in the heck anyone had thought it a good idea to bring her here.

“That’s enough, Judith! You were warned to be pleasant and to support your daughter, or would you rather I ring Mr. Hamilton?” Mama paled fast enough I worried she’d get dizzy. I wondered which Mr. Hamilton, but I wasn’t about to ask...or get within slapping range despite her abrupt docility.

“Why—what? How did you get her here?” Not that I was upset by someone wanting me to have family at my wedding, but I’d have gone for Sylvia over Mama anytime.

“Don’t worry about it. We have to get you out there for the ceremony and pictures. Your mother was being difficult until Mr. Hamilton had a talk with her.” Dirk likely wouldn’t have bothered with her if she were throwing a tantrum, so I figured she meant Winston Sr. Mama seemed scared at the mention of him, but if it kept her in check, I wasn't about to question it. “Turn,” Nina ordered, forcing me to concentrate as she pulled the veil around me after securing it with combs and pins.

I didn’t get to ask anything else or even catch more than a glimpse of myself in the mirror before Nina directed both me and Mama out of the room and to the congregation hall. And finally, there was Dirk. My fiancé awaited me in the usual place for a groom, and the music started as soon as the wedding planner handed me my bouquet of roses and mums.

Pictures were taken as I walked down the aisle with Mama, and I was glad for the shield of lace that hopefully prevented anyone from seeing my shaky smile as we passed Winston Sr., the hired help, and of course, our bodyguards. One noticeably absent person was Rafe, but even curiosity was too much for me at that moment. My happy occasion had been ruined three-fold, and it was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other without melting into a puddle of tears. But then I was finally close enough to Dirk to see his happy grin that reached all the way up into his blue eyes, and some of the weight lifted. He loves me, and I won’t ever let him go or do anything to change that

.And here I was about to tell you to make a run for it. It’s your funeral, girly. Enjoy the honeymoon. Well, after Auntie Flo makes her departure.

I swore I heard a snicker, but I ignored it all the best I could and concentrated on my future.