unREASONable by Arya Matthews
Track 20
Marshall
Charlie texts us around lunch time and approves of our morning effort. A second after I read her text, I change into a pair of jeans and a simple, dark red sweater. I’m not the only one. CJ, Graham, and Shane change too. Zach and Alexandra continue wearing the ugly pajamas throughout the day. I try not to pester them about it, no matter how much the cats in Santa hats dissolve my eyes. Zach craves bonding activities, and Alexandra looks like she enjoys doing anything that makes her part of us, so I won’t say a word. I want my friend and my...new friend to be happy.
We spend Christmas Day doing what the Tangs always do—cooking, eating, and tying fleece quilts for kids at a local hospital. I swear I’ve tied thousands of these things over the past six years. We used to compete to see who could tie the most, and I can do it with my eyes closed. Only this year I keep them open because of Alexandra. She’s new to all of this: American Christmas, large families, doing weird things like cutting the edges of enormous sheets of fleece then tying the ends into knots. Now and then she sneaks a look around as though she can’t figure out why we bother. It’s something Seo-yun insists on us doing every Christmas. She says service helps us remember what the holiday is about.
I don’t know what anything is about anymore. Like Alice in Wonderland, I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole. Only I don’t expect to come out of it at the other end.
Girly laughter snaps me out of spiraling into madness. Alexandra is laughing with Zach’s sisters and their young daughters. Even though everything’s so new to her, she does it without fear. She’s really something. I wish she was mine.
That’s one thought I can’t afford if I want to stay friends with CJ. He’s been by her side all day. She’s been cutting fleece, and he’s been tying, and bringing her snacks, and making sure she doesn’t overexert herself even though she looks completely fine today. With him hovering around, I can’t find a single opening to ask her if she’s enjoying herself. I think she is. I hope she is. I wish he’d leave her be for more than three seconds.
It starts snowing again during dinner. It’s soft and flaky this time, and the kids crawl out of their skins to play outside. Driven to the edge of sanity, their parents relent and let them. Jung lights the fire pit, and the roasting sticks come out along with marshmallows and the rest of s’more ingredients. I can’t resist the temptation of burnt marshmallows and gooey chocolate. It’s one of my favorite things.
Alexandra refuses to go, shaking her head like she would rather do absolutely anything than be outside.
CJ tries to persuade her. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”
She won’t bend. “I don’t want to do anything with fire.”
Good. I can spend at least one moment without her in the same room. I go to our bedroom to grab my jacket and hat and Charlie’s gift, and go outside. Graham roasts three marshmallows at once.
I toss the cat pajamas in the fire pit and roast my marshmallow over the fire with that much more pleasure.
Graham lets out a single laugh. “Nice. I should go get mine.”
“Right? What was Charlie thinking?”
His marshmallows are almost dripping off his stick, but his s’more is perfectly oozy when he sandwiches them between the crackers. “Just you watch. It’ll be the most trending post of the year. Internet plus cats plus us?”
I chuckle. He’s probably right.
The toasty flavors dance on my tongue as I watch the lights in the valley below. Somehow, eating in the fresh, cold air amplifies the creamy marshmallows and the dark, silky chocolate. We should do this more often, Christmas or not.
CJ manages to convince Alexandra to come outside. I walk away from the fire pit the moment I see them. I won’t look or think about them.
Alexandra throws my plan under the bus with a snowball she sends at the back of my neck. It soaks through the layers of my scarf, cold and wet and maddening.
I whip around to yell, “I just wanted to eat a s’more!”
Her back to the fire, Alexandra grins and starts making another snowball. I stuff the remnants of my crackers and marshmallows into my mouth and scoop snow with both of my hands. I’ve taken hits from her all day without her knowing about it, but I won’t go down without a fight now.
The kids join in. CJ retreats inside the moment the snowballs start flying. Graham gets hit once in the back and follows CJ. I pelt Alexandra relentlessly. She retaliates and chases me around. Strands of Alexandra’s hair have made their escape from under her hat. I’ve lost mine. My hands burn because I have no gloves, and I feel like a little kid again. It’s a good, happy, lightheaded feeling that swallows me whole.
The kids are summoned inside. They’ve plowed through the sloping backyard with their running and sledding, and it looks like a ravaged battlefield. I allow Alexandra to catch up to me and land a massive lump of snow on top of my head. In exchange, I gain an opportunity to topple her to the ground. She laughs and swats at my hands, but I manage to bury her shoulders under the snow.
“Ty pokoinik!” she squeals. You’re a dead man!
I run off.
A snowball whizzes past my ear. As I turn to mock her aim, my foot lands onto one of the plastic sleds the kids have left behind. I tip backward. My other foot flies high in the air as I land on my back and roll down the slope a few feet. Ouch. But there’s no time to feel humiliated. If Zach’s sisters’ Korean dramas have taught me anything, it’s that if you’ve managed to get yourself in a “possibly injured” situation, milk it for all its worth.
Sure enough, Alexandra’s worried voice cuts through the yard. “Marshall, are you all right?”
I hear her running toward me and keep my eyes closed even though I know it won’t work.
“Marshall!”
I peek at her. Alexandra drops onto her knees next to me and shakes my shoulder. “Marshall, can you hear me?”
She presses her hand to my cheek. It’s ice cold and forces me to draw a sharp breath.
“You faker.” Alexandra tosses some snow at my face.
I jump to a sitting position, wipe off the snow with my sleeve, topple her onto her back again, and press my icy hand to her cheek just like she did a moment ago to me. Alexandra shrieks at the top of her lungs. Sweet, sweet vengeance. I brace for struggle, but she doesn’t move and looks me straight in the eye.
“Thank you for making me come.”
I should say something back. I’m too distracted. The light produced by the back porch lanterns barely reaches us, but I can see enough to forget to breathe. Alexandra is beautiful. Even though she’s working on catching her breath, her eyes sparkle from playing in the cold, and she seems happy. The only other time I remember seeing her happy is when I signed her P-Bass. It strikes me with a brutal force. Despite everything I’ve done, I can make her happy. I love it.
I’m in love with her.
For the sake of keeping my own heart and my friendship with CJ intact, I have to let go of her.
Alexandra’s eyes roam my face. “You’ve got snow in your hair.”
“Whose fault do you think that is?”
I lean closer even as everything inside of me screams to get up and run. But there’s a big difference between knowing what you have to do and what you actually want to do. I want her all to myself. Today, tomorrow, forever. Since that’s impossible, I’ll indulge in one last act of insanity, a Christmas gift to myself, then I’ll force a reboot on my feelings and get out of CJ’s way.