unREASONable by Arya Matthews

Track 21

Alexandra

It’s a full-on mutiny. Holding Marshall is a life-threatening, all-consuming urge. My heart demands to know whether he meant anything by that kiss on Halloween night. He still hasn’t said anything. Does he like me? He’s been different. More approachable and more distant at the same time. How is that even possible?

What does he want right now? What does he want from me in general? Maybe nothing. Maybe he’s just toying with me, taking advantage of me at my most vulnerable. Maybe that kiss didn’t mean anything. Maybe I should punch him in his irresistible face, walk away, and never look at him again.

Marshall’s hand is still on my cheek. It’s warmer now. He’s closer. I’m paralyzed by the smoldering intensity in his eyes and don’t move even though I know what’s coming, even though I should stop him and make him explain himself. It’s all out of control.

“Alexandra.”

I don’t feel the same excitement from him saying my name as I have in the past. His voice comes out low. It’s ominous. It’s a warning. Then I understand. I got it all wrong. He’s not about to kiss me. He doesn’t want me. He sees right through me, knows about my feelings, and he’s telling me to cut it out.

Until he actually tells me that, I won’t. I’ve spent all day doing who knows what just so that I wouldn’t betray my feelings to others, but there’s no one else here right now. I tug on the loops of his snow-covered scarf.

No fear.

Load the gun and spin the barrel. A demolition of my mind. A total eclipse. A challenge and a complete surrender. I want him. I love him. Curses, I love him. How did it come to this? He’s obnoxious. Do I even care? Shouldn’t I care?

While I ponder that, Marshall’s lips cover mine. Hard and relentless and hungry and for one long moment—perfect. I gasp for air and reach for more, but it’s already over. Breathing hard, Marshall moves to get up.

His scarf is still in my hands, so I hold on to it and make him stay. “We can’t have holiday make out sessions then pretend like it’s nothing.”

He exhales. “We won’t.”

His eyes flicker to my lips one more time, and my heart stops, beats like a drum in my ears, then stops again when Marshall rises to his feet in one abrupt motion and stalks away, leaving his scarf with me.

Confused and mourning the loss of his warmth, I gaze at the starless sky. He fought and fought with me, then for whatever reason changed his mind about me, then stole my heart and left me lying in the snow. In the dark. All by myself.

> <

Fiona waits for us in the Nest’s driveway when we return to Portland on the second day of January. It’s been a long trip through bad weather and several clogs on the roads. Marshall barely grumbles a hello to her before he disappears inside.

I feel the same way. Christmas and New Year’s Eve with the Tangs have been amazing and absolutely exhausting. I’m glad to be home.

“Did you and Marshall fight again?” Fiona helps me carry my bags to the guest house.

“No, we didn’t fight. He’s just…”

“He’s just what?”

We get inside, dump everything on the love seat in the sitting room, and go to the kitchen. I need a drink and a moment to figure out how to explain Marshall.

While my glass fills with water from the fridge dispenser, I study at the back of my phone. The wrapper from the minty kiss he gave me on the way to Utah rests between the device and its transparent case. I think of all the other kisses we’ve shared and remember his question. What more do you want? Back in the van I felt like he was just asking me about snacks, but now I wonder whether he was asking me about what I wanted from him. Oh, I only want all of him. Or at least not to be left  wading through all of this uncertainty.

“So, Marshall?” Fiona prompts.

“I don’t know. I think he’s just tired.”

The water’s done pouring, but I stay by the fridge, smiling at everything that has happened away from the Nest. Marshall’s been avoiding me like the plague after he kissed me on Christmas Day. I don’t think he has said more than three sentences to me since then. That’s probably not a good thing, but I can’t help enjoying his struggle. I believe he is starting to like me, only he can’t accept that after being against me for so long.

Fiona’s eyebrows rise. “What are you smiling about?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? There’s no way you can be smiling about ‘nothing’ when we’re talking about Marshall Jones. You like him, don’t you?” Fiona whistles, low and puzzled, and crosses her arms on her chest.

“I suppose.”

“I didn’t see that coming. You like them challenging then?”

Up until now, I haven’t even considered Marshall as a challenge in that sense. I wanted to prove myself to him as a musician, and then… And then...

“Tread carefully. Don’t give the band another reason to get rid of you, as if they don’t already have several,” Fiona says.

Ice cold water burns like boiling tea in my mouth.

“They’re getting rid of me?”

Does she know something? Did I already fail, and the Vipers dragged me along with them to Utah to soften the blow? They can’t be that cruel. Not my Vipers.

“No. Well, not that I know of. I’m sorry. I’m freaking you out.” Fiona sighs. “What I meant to say is consider if you want to go any further with Marshall. If you two have a thing then end up being unable to stand each other, you’re out of the band. Everyone will be extremely sorry and all, but you’re the one who will have to leave. Marshall can’t go. They can’t afford to lose him.”

The panic leaves my body with a tangible whoosh, and the next sip of water tastes normal again.

“Fiona, I don’t think there’s any worry of us having a ‘thing’ right now.” I’m sugarcoating, of course, but not by much.

She shakes her head. “You’ve never had a boyfriend before, have you?”

“I was kind of busy with other things.” I finish the water and try to swallow the darkness that has crept upon my mood.

Dating and relationships weren’t often on my mind while I traveled before choosing the right university to attend. Later, I was too consumed with trying to figure out how to buy my next transit pass or pay my phone bill to worry about anything else.

Fiona’s expression softens. “I’m just saying, be careful. It’s Marshall. Attractive and emotionally overwhelming Marshall. Take your time. Keep him at a distance. I worry he’ll break your heart and won’t even notice, and you’ll be stuck in the band, bound by the contract to watch him date some other girl.”

I give her a hug. “I will be careful.” I’m not entirely certain how I’m going to keep this promise.